lost_without_words monadh how very deep they resonate within 010612 ... grendel in a nighttime forest moonlight and shadows the stumbling steps 010612 ... Fire&Roses I tried to tell some one. I couldn't tell him because he would be upset. I couldn't tell her because she wouldn't care. And you love you already know... what can I say mio amore? 010915 ... distorted tendencies Lost without words, so I try and pantomime everything. But I'm lost there too. 010916 ... blamethesky i look at you and there is a thousand things i can think of telling you, but when i try i can't get the words out. i'm so lost and helpless when i look at your face and try to say what i feel. i have to stare at my hands and blame myself for not telling you how much you mean to me. 010917 ... Mateo Im lost in them 020225 ... Rhin i'm trying to respond to your email, but i'm truly at a loss for words, so i'll try to say it here. you scare me. you scare me alot. the fact is that all men frighten me. you have, in one swift letter, jumped beyond the 'just friends' barrier, into something more. how much more i don't know, but it's definitely something different. i'm screaming at you for doing that, but at the same time, i'm rather intriuged at the prospect of what may come...even if just a little. i'm trying to find my faith again, and my belief that all things are possible. somewhere along the way, i have forgotten to be amazed at every little thing. i have become another pawn in the game. i just move mechanically without feeling, and no one has been able to penetrate that. why are you trying? i'm extremely high maintenance, and i hate coffee, and i can't stand to hear people chewing their food, and...i'm trying to talk you out of me. i'm trying to talk me out of you. that's harder. your intelligent, witty and kind-hearted. i love those things about you. why can't you just be an asshole? that would be so much easier. what if i missed you? what if you missed me? what then? just know this...the next guy that i allow to fuck me over, will regret it. no, i don't mean that. that is what i want to say, but i can't. it sounds so violent, but the truth of the matter is that i would want to hurt back, if only to appease my soul after so many lost loves. she deserves it. you know what just occurred (occurred? or occured? 2 c's and 2 r's or 2 c's and 1 r?...anyway) to me? you could be thinking the exact same thing. i'm jealous that you also have not given up. you still have faith and hope. i'm not sure how much i have left. i feel fairly dead, and not at all like the Rhin i use to be. i'm not really bitter. i have just accepted that life is shit. for what i want, does not exist, or that i won't allow myself to see it when it may be right in front of me. i know that if i allow it within myself, that all of my joy and hope will come flooding back, but it's so hard, and i don't believe it. what am i living for? i just work...work to make money so that i can bring the best things in life to me, and so that one day i can live in the middle of nowhere and live securely...with the only one i trust (me), and my little fat cat. i'm accumulating enough electronic equipment and cash that i could survive in solitary for quite some time. all i need is communication in any form when i need to reach out, and i'll be fine. actual human touch is something that i am learning to live without. my brain requires more stimulation than my body does, so it shouldn't be too difficult. who am i kidding? i want those things. i want to hold and be held. i want to kiss and feel and lose myself in someone. my mind is racing and i really don't know what i want, or what i want to say. no, i want to say that i was getting use to the idea of it being just me, and now you have smashed a hammer into my wall, and i'm upset. upset because i want you out, and upset because i want you in, more than i want you out. now i'm crying. fuck. do you see how neurotic i am? i know that if i continue typing and if you read this (and you know who you are) that you will run away. it's the only thing that i can think of that makes sense. a pre-emptive strike! i'm secretly hoping that you will adore me for this, but oh God that didn't make any sense. i don't make sense, and i'm so indecisive. do you know that i wake in the middle of the night sometimes, and i want cheesecake! do you know that i love toting brightly colored umbrellas in the rain, because i always think of someone looking down from the sky on a rainy day, and smiling at seeing that one bright splash of color admist all of the black?. do you know that sometimes i have the urge to bite and you just have to allow me or suffer? what about the fact that i prefer the darkness to sunlight? ...and i sing showtunes in the shower, and i love to drive my car through sprinklers, and if i'm in the mood, i'll just turn around and do it again and again? can you handle all of that, anddddddddd bake me a cake as fast as you can?! ...and because i'm being so honest here, i'll just say that suddenly i'm feeling aroused. maybe it was the thought of being fed cheesecake in bed...i don't know. ...and i'm really not all that crazy about cheesecake. i have been on a health kick for quite a while now, and i don't even partake of pecan pie anymore, let alone cheesecake. anyway, i'm going to end this, so that i can either go to the gym, because the thought of even eating makes me want to work out, or masturbate one. anyway, i'm sure that i will regret all of this later, but for now i think i mean every single word. i just glanced up and saw the heading 'lost without words'...well, i had plenty of words. how ironic. no words sans lost, then the gate opens, and all of this incredible sh...tuff poors out. incredible as in good or bad? i haven't decided which one, and for that matter i can't seem to shut up. i should have just called you instead of babbling here like an idiot. enough already! gays in the military! your thoughts? (just teasing...i'm all for gays in the military or gays for that matter. i was quoting billy crystal anyway) stick a fork in me. i'm done. 030116 ... Rhin please, don't say a word. it's already out there, so just let it lie. (and i didn't even double-check my spelling. i hate that!) 030116 ... lost ... 030116 ... do I know who I am? I was looking for this post. I was clicking a few words on the "recent" page to find it. Under so_what___what_does_it_matter_now? No... nice_guys_do_finish_last? no... I'm glad I didn't find it under fuck_off or ask_mr_limp! 030116 ... unhinged i come here practically everyday if i have computer access and sometimes in my life the words just won't come out. and then other times i am like a boiler that blows a gasket. it bothers me when i can't write. makes me more anxious, angry, agitated. sometimes my brain/heart is in shambles because of you. that is why i pretend to hate you. hate is a nasty disease but sometimes it is the only thing that gets me through the day. 030116 ... sirflaccid * ***** ***** **** *** **** * **** 030117 ... KUTULU hidden aggression must eventually express itself somewhere 040120 what's it to you? who go blather from