lost_relationships cazzi I'm sorry. I know that things didn't work out for our "friendship", i know that i should never have tried to talk to you, or tried to listen to you, or simply tried to be your friend, because you didn't want that...maybe i'm a bad person, no, i know i am, but even though i know i ruined things, and made you angry, and seeing the way you act towards me now, i will always always care for you. i know that means nothing to you now, and it never did, but it means something to me...you meant something to me... you tried to help me, and i loved you for that...my world shattered when i realised that you were the same as me, and i had been so selfish not realising. i totally stupidly fell apart when you didn't want to talk to me anymore, when you blanked me, when you didn't return my emails. when you took those pills, i cried all night for you worrying, i cried all day too. no one really knew why because they didn't know how i felt about you, how much you had done for me, even if it didn't change very much on the outside for either of us. one of your best friends who knew that i spoke to you a lot asked me if i was okay, but she was the only one. so many people in the school were crying, you have no idea how much it affected people; you couldn't see. afterwards you acted like nothing had ever happened, and also like we had never spoken to each other. then when our mums were talking about us together, and what they could do to help us, even though it sounds silly now, i felt proud because i was being compared to you..i know it was a stupid thing that was being compared, but it still meant something to me. i wanted you to like me. i hoped it might bring us together again, make you talk to me. it didn't. i hope that you are okay now. i don't see you anymore, and when i do it is just a blank stare i get back for all my smiles. it doesn't hurt as much as it used to anymore, but i just want you to be okay... I'm sorry. 010330 ... unhinged they all have a habit of slipping away one way or another. 030114 ... ruba i'll never know what the fuck happened. it wasnt even a relationship. it was a one sided infatuation and sometimes youd call me up (ok every night) so that i would have something to feed on. and maybe so that you could figure out if i would ever be good enough or worth your time. i loved your life. i loved every single fucking syllable that rolled off your tongue. i still remember things today that you dont even know existed. nothing will ever ever compare to what we never had. every day i would hope that maybe that night i could be good enough or say something that would just change the way you felt completely. i'd call you and try to finalize things or try to become friends so that i wouldnt feel so lost, but i know you forgot my number. so im too proud to let you figure out that yours is still in my head. i want to know what youre doing, what youre into. i want to know if youre still the same. i want to know if you were ever what i thought you were. how can i be so attached to something we never even followed through with? wheres that journal, the pictures, the songs, my tape, the letter? why cant i just move on. it was nothing. everything has changed. nothing has changed. 030114 ... stork daddy can everything be so similar? 030114 ... MeKoy cazzie i know just how you fell most of the same things happen to me 031226 ... Afro Funny how as time goes by, I realize how much I don't need you. 041115 ... love & hate will be found again, you only have to wait, they may not be in this lifetime, but if you believed in them enough, with all of the right feelings and love for that person, i believe that they will come back into your life. Although i am waiting for it to happen to me, i am sure it will for i know how my heart feels and i know whats real and katie and leah were real. All i have to do is wait. Then i will see what love truly is and what it can overcome. 041116 ... camille we never lost them, they remain there in the folds of your heart 041116 ... Staind_And_Souless I know they will return. I know we will return. I know we cannot be lost. Because I will not let us be 041119 ... suicidalchinadoll every time you know, I wouldn't be letting it bother me now, if you hadn't promised every day you'd never leave. am I that hard to stomach? 041119 ... BitterSweetDream A single hit and a world was lost. With it was my heart. 041119 ... lou I wish I hadent been so young in my first relationship. It really was something beautiful that we had. For the girl that took my virginity, goddam. I still don't understand why you wouldn't just run away with me. I'm a chef and I can do and go wherever the fuck I want, I just wanted to be with you. When I think back on it all, you were crap, but its still hard to let go and it makes me sick. You never called, and I don't plan on ever calling you. The sea belongs on another page. 110807 ... h|s|g honesty comes to mind other_words also show proportion, pattern, point_of_reference, extrapolation, treading_water, true_enough, chop_wood_carry_water, loventually 110808 ... perfectly_chaotic Damn, wandering mind. Loins want to burst.... Won't allow it. Mind wanders... I miss you.. Only the sick part of me, but yet the healthy part misses you in a different way. Thoughts of old orgasms linger.. Bursts of cloudy nostalgia pleasure... Slight taint of regret.... Taint of the taint of regret...... Maybe I ought call you... Yet I know, that tree bares no fruit, there is only rotten fruit on the ground, half-consumed by worms, half covered with mold.... Yet some seeds have been left in the ground. Some new knowledge has sprouted and I see now some things I must do... Yet there are still weeds of regret.... Sullen, sulking, stillness...... Inaction drives like a needle into my heart and my loins... Yet in any action I would take, the plunger may as well fall and leave me in a broken foggy black abyss.. Addicted to anything that would bring me a moment's pleasure I hold on and resist. One shot, one drink, one orgasm, one pound of chocolate, can be had for the price of a lifetime of isolation and loneliness. Heart broken open and now the blood dries up. I am not so attached in some ways, but in others I really am. I wish I could steal your ghosts and demons so that I might banish them like some of my own, but that is only another of my ghosts grasping... To banish this sick love would leave me free to give more love to the rest of the world. I must let you go again yet another time, but at least it isn't as hard to do anymore. Repetition builds strength. Surely we will meet again, if only in my mind, and I will have to let you go yet another time. Just like all those who have come before and after you. Just like all those who have never, in truth, left me alone in my aloneness. The ones who gradually became just another brushstroke on the mural of my mind. 110808 what's it to you? who go blather from