unhinged *sigh*

i really honestly can't comprehend the concept of only giving a fuck when it suits/benefits you. i can't do that. i can't shut my heart off. my heart doesn't operate economically. once i turn it on for someone, it just pours out until there's nothing left.

but most times, about 99% of the fucking time, these same people that i pour my whole heart into will abandon me when they can no longer gain any direct and tangible benefit from me. when they have someone else to fill their loneliness, buy them food or cigarettes, put gas in their car. when the only reason i stopped doing that was because the distance between us made it impossible for me to do those things. but i never stopped thinking about them or loving them or wishing and hoping that i would hear something or anything from them. a phone call, an email, anything. cause they have someone else in front of them, giving them blow jobs, cooking them food, buying them clothes.

just remember: i will always love you best. i don't know how to love mediocrely, half_assed , economically. when i say i love you...i mean it. i mean it so completely that i don't feel like words are an effective way to describe it and the distance between us only leaves us with words.

maybe i'm just holding on to our long_distance_love because i'm afraid of actually loving someone right in front of me. but i can tell you that that doesn't negate it, my love for you. even if i could erase it, cut it out, bury it, there would still be a dull aching in my heart where you used to be.
. Good. I never wanted to leave. 060705
unhinged but you did just the same

all of you

and the one i decided to walk out on
i just walked past him on the street
holding her hand
like they were meant to do
and we exchanged some meaningless drivel
about what i was carrying with me
but none of us stopped
just keep on walking
and i turned around to look at them
she let_go when i waved
but they were holding hands again
after i walked away
when i should have stopped to say
give it back
give it all back
misstree *leans back with unhinged, heaves a long sigh, and silently raises, then tilts back a beer, staring into the away.* 060711
LS I see a woman, but I loved a child...

Shame and selfishness and anger swirl in her, and it was just a matter of time before I tasted that bitter cup...

It hurts most, doesn't it, when you really meant it, but they didn't...when their confusion lets them say wonderful, terrible things...and you believe them, even though all the signs were there...

Pride won't help you. Pride is the source of shame. But humility is to much like "giving in", like losing a part of yourself...

...maybe you'd be better off without those parts. Like a festering limb you insist will get better in time, but it keeps gettings worse and worse.

One day, you'll turn the wrong head and all those terrible things you fear will happen again.
Jordan Somewhere



You will
falling_alone when you can't see who's holding his hand while he walks down the street, it begins to tear open everything i've never felt before, when nothing in this relationship is pronounced, even the relationship itself. 061016
emmi when it stormed outside, the cold rain soaking my face and the wind threatening to pull me with it...i got inside, dried up and hid in the attic waiting for it to die down...
and all i could think of was me and you in december.
Emptyness Alive So far away in the world
so close to my heart
. when you've got 15" it's the only way :) 061019
Observation Deck A dot? Such a small shot
for such a Big,
Big, Boy.
. well observed - i like voyeurs 061020
Emptyness Alive why live away
why cant i hold you close
why do you have to say goodbye
. its best not to ever say goodbye to anyone is it. 070323
unhinged that's why i pushed him away 'ok you can go now' no goodbye. i stopped at the door and watched him walk_away for just one second. slowly; he walked slowly. and i ran to my bed that was still warm from him. no goodbyes, don't look back.

i was making out with you this morning when i woke up. could you feel it?
! huh ! 070324
unhinged send_me_a_text_message 080228
unhinged still miss you
still need you
still want you

but maybe i'm meant to be alone
suicidalchinadoll I am very bad at long distance loving.
I forget your eyes, and become convinced that you forget me altogether.

how can I remember love when I forget myself every time the sun goes through a cycle...
unhinged when i look in the mirror, i can see what he sees. it is the best gift someone has ever given me. i believe people now when they compliment me. perception_is_not_reality ; and all it took was a new perception to switch my reality.

i have a mural on my wall. to remind me. what he looks like, where he is, what he's doing. what we did together the last time i saw him in hawaii. pictures of sunshine are all i have to cling to at times in this stupid place of snow_emergency .
unhinged 'One day, you'll turn the wrong head and all those terrible things you fear will happen again.'

too close to home for comfort
unhinged i've been thinking of the last time we were together lately. anguishing to have that always, to find something even resembling that here. that i would probably forget you if i did find you in someone else. that you would probably forget me if you could too.

that part of me is wishing for forgetting. but if i forgot my sometimes only thin little thread....the pathetic pressure i place on fleeting moments of my life really only allows that nasty voice in my head to convince me of my lame nothingness. cause the other half of me is drifting somewhere, i don't know where, far away. just not near me. when i just want them near me.

i had someone near me. a sweet devoted someone that i didn't want to hold my hand. when all i want is someone to hold my hand, i didn't want him to. the him right in front of me i pushed away. my heart calm and steady in my chest, he didn't make my heart flop over. none of them do around here. or i'm just a stepping_stone for the ones that make me flop. i'm stuck in a played out tragedy. trapped stuck constricted when i really just want to give it all away. if only there was someone close enough, worthy enough, floppy enough.

i wish for forgetting because there isn't room for anything new.
unhinged even when we are sitting two feet from each other it feels like there is an uncrossable chasm between us

and right when i am ready to turn away from the edge, you grab me close, put your lips on me in such a way that seems like it can't be attributed to just the alcohol. or can it? maybe it has always only been the drugs.
unhinged you left town without even saying goodbye
somehow that seems fitting

unhinged something i shouldn't have to be used to 100907
flushed I am terrified of this.
Will it be a test or the end?
nit i don't know?
maybe it has become completely distorted!
unhinged got the best of us in the end. just another statistic, just more proof for all the people that told me it wouldn't work. 120411
when darkness falls how fitting... it's been a long time, and this is what i see when i return. is it a coincidence?

long distance love is killing me, but at the same time keeping _us_ alive. it's not the first time, but hopefully it will the be the last. for reasons beyond my control this is the status_quo and i cannot change it right now. in_time, sweetheart.
what's it to you?
who go