letters_i'll_never_send
Spare Change Dear (name).

The reason for the period is because I thought of you and stopped. My thoughts turned into a haze of memories. I have a semi-photographic memory, perhaps I told you that before, but it's not always a good thing. You know in the movies, when a person's life flashes before their eyes, it's just a bunch of pictures. Well that's what happens to my head when you mention someones name. And I hear your name... the first picture is the one of you in the year book. The next is a series of you in Creative Writing. Then comes pictures of us strolling down the hall. You in the auditorium, showing me "your" stage. That time we got locked in the stairwell. More recent ones of yuo in social studies, sometimes laughing, sometimes with your head down. In science, those talks we had, the way we always had soemthing to say. When you stayed sitting with me. The safe memories... But then I have one of you in your yard, making the gesture you used to make, head cocked, arms out, "Give me a hug". Close ups of your face as I kissed you, these are colored withmy emotions. Your party and the hug you gave me then. Too long and too close. Our only real hug. I was afraid of losing you then. You made fun of me when I said I'd miss you. You said I acted as If I'd never see you again. Maybe I'm psycic. The last picture is always your face imeadiatly after, and it makes me stop. That is teh reason for the period.

Love
030903
...
Spare Change I wrote you. I filled my letter with silly ramblings and meaningless chatter. I keep it light so you won't know. You once asked me if I ever wished it had turned out differently. I deny it, I don't love you, like that anyway.

I know you wouldn't hurt me deliberatly, but I also know that you tell me things, because you trust me and I would never give that up. It is because of our friendship that I know who you love. Because of our friendship I know you will never love me. It is because of this friendship that I will never tell you that you could make me happy. That I love you.

So I am writing this to you, here, where you will never read, to tell you that I love you, have loved you since the easy days we shared together, will always love you. It is because I love you that I do not tell you. I will love you the way you need me to right now.

In Nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti
030903
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6am Can you send this letter to me, i would like to recieve a letter like this someday 030907
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Spare Change Hello again,

It has been too long. I've been meaning to come see you. Do you even think about me any more? Do you remember all those conversations we had? What we would do if we were single; If there was world and time enough. Well this weekend I was at a party and they played that song that always reminded me of you. I haven't cried for you in months.

"I've done this before and I will do it again. Come on and kill me baby, while you smile like a friend. Oh and I'll come running, just to do it again"

So I'm single now. But I don't think that I will come to see you. Do I need my heart ripped out again? Sometimes your so careless with peoples emotions. But I thought of you and I missed you like never before. I'm just writing to ask you how you are. Are you happy? Is life treating you ok? Do ever wake up late at night with those times in your head? I will alwys love you my friend. Be Well.

...
030908
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Spare Change You're coming home. Something inside me leapt when I heard, but it upsets me I had to hear through someone else. Immeadiatly I rushed to my room looking for that shirt you loved so much. It was then, standing in the pile of clothing, staring at them, that I realized what I was doing. I owe you nothing. You are not coming home for me.

You say you dream of fucking me. And when I asked if you missed me you said you missed my flat stomach and my warm body. Is that really all I am to you? A warm body for your cold bed? When you're single, you say, you'll gladly be with me. Am I your consolation prize? I get the parts of you that are left over?

But, I will wear my shirt. I will flirt with you and I will let you remember and someday when you are single, you will come to me. And I will tell you what I've told you before: I love you; I always will. I will kiss you, because my lips long for yours, but no matter what my body says, I will not give into you.

No matter how badly I want to feel you against me.
030923
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Spare Change P.S. When we watched High_Fidelity together, even though we were three hundred miles apart, I swear I could feel you. 030923
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crimson Dear You,
Some things I remember and some I just can't forget. I'm trying to figure out which one you are.
030925
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Spare Change Hello,

Did you see me wave? It's amazing what fear can do to a person. It can turn a hug and a warm hello into a wave a nod and a smile. I missed you so badly at that moment. I saw you look up and catch my eye, I'd like to say I know what you were thinking, but I can't.

You've gone again and this hole is a little deeper then before. I might drive you home soon, four hours alone with you. It is almost laughable how my heart leaps at that thought. I know that we are friends, but the gap we left is widening and soon I don't know if we'll be able to cross the bridge.

No, I've got it wrong. We will always be able to cross, but I'm afraid we've both stopped trying. I'm ok now though. Seeing you was like cauterizing an open wound. Yes it hurt, but I'm better for it.

And for old times sake,
Later Kiddo.
030928
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Spare Change I have a headache, I have a sore back, I have a letter... I can't send.

I have desire. And now you know. You seemed so surprised. Did I cover it so well?

We talked for eight hours and we never ran out of things to say. And you said somethings that made me want to kiss you and slap you all at once and you asked once more why I did it. And I told you. The truth... pure perhaps, but not so simple.

"So why?" "Well..."


"Are you going to tell me?" "I liked you." "Liked me liked me?" "Yes," I whispered softly.

"Oh." But it passed, the awkward moment of love unreturned. And I didn't die and you didn't hate me suddenly. It was the same, always the same. And we had fun, like good friends do.

And I dropped you off. And you hugged me. I couldn't bear being that close to you and you held me... the way you did once before. A goodbye hug then as well cut short for the same reasons.

I have so much I wanted to say to you that eight hours just doesn't cover. But, somehow, I think you know. If I didn't see you for ten years, we would still be friends. That's commitment in a way marriage and couplehood never can be.

I will see you my friend. Whenever, whereever...

Love.
031010
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Spare Change Hello.

We had fun didn't we. We stayed up too late and sat too close. We laughed too muched and talked too much. We know too well the things we shouldn't do. You pulled me close and hugged me tight. I looked into your eyes. We didn't kiss and said good bye. Do you know I could have cried?

I can't tell you that I love you, it'd never be the same, but I can't hide it any longer. I love you, friend, well and true. I love you with all the passion at my command. Every breath I take whispers your name. My body still remembers the things I've tried so hard to forget. Your touch it follows after me and I can't quite leave it behind. I've known you are not perfect I know each fault so well and yet I love you still. I will lie to you and those who ask, but I can lie to myself no longer.

Maybe someday I'll forget the way you held me. The sound of your voice, the scent of your skin. The way you cock your head. That arrogance, so becoming in one so modest. The innate thoughtfulness that shows when you forget to cover it. I say it wasn't meant to be, I say it'd never work, but my stomach still drops at the sound of your name and when I hear your voice everything fades. When I see you I say nothing, I can't. You render me speechless.

I'm sorry. I Love You.
031117
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amy this page reminds me that i am sorry for denying love so much, so habitually. i feel awful about it, but that is not the constructive way to go about it. because that is denying love again. love is bigger than me, and i refuse it, so often. there have been people who meant the world to me, that astounded me with their joys and creativity, but i get scared of what that means and start running away, escaping its intensity. and that's all i can say for now, because i need to take this so slowly. 031119
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Spare Change Morning Sunshine

Yes I know... it's not morning. I know now that I can never leave you and you can never leave me. What an odd night that was. I was so angry at you and you, you kept apologizing and then you asked if this is how it had to be? And I said yes... and you left... and ten seconds later I was on the phone begging you to come back. But you were gone and then one day you knocked on my door. I didn't say anything. and I remember that conversation... it is burned in my mind.

"Why are you here? I thought you weren't speaking to me?"
"I was just trying to prove a point."
"The only thing you proved is that I care and you don't. I could have told you that ages ago."
"So that's it then? I'm officially a careless asshole? And you officially hate me? And that's the way it's going to be forever?"
"I will never, ever, ever hate you"

So here we are, just us. And it's ok.
040414
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pSyche When I sit here at this automated machine, this pile of circuits and boards, a pile of complex math; I realize that I don't understand anything going on around me. Do you know what I mean ____? In the boredome and unrestlessness of my soul, I cling to the internet, trying to find someplace where I can hide from the world. My fingers tap tappedy tap away at the keys, typing in random words for Google's search engine, but it's not anything I'm thinking about.
My eyes are wistfully staring at the minute hand, that sharp dagger which cuts open new wounds in my heart. My mind hungers for the next second
further,
further,
FURTHER into the future!

I am searching for the time when you will arrive.

You won't be on tonight, I know. And it's ironic that I've come to depend on someone who I have never seen.
But somehow, I can't help it.
You're the only person who I feel doesn't really hate me. You're the only person who can make me want to be better. you're the one person I'm scared to trust, and yet scared not to trust.
You make me love life. You make me laugh. Somehow, by some freak occasion, you fell into my life. I finally found that place to hide, you know? But I don't need to hide anymore thanks to you.
You'd saw off your arm if I needed a shoulder to cry on, you'd do that in a flash.
Rght now, my world could fall apart and I'd be fine with that...
...just..
..ah..
well um...
just as long as you're there to be my friend.

I guess that's all I have to say.

Love always,
me
050301
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jane letter_to_sean 050301
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misstree "and the rain is full of ghosts tonight, that tap and sigh upon the glass and listen for reply..."

in a contemplative mood, and not so much with the bright happy i try to inject when i can. a bit of crumble, a bit of distance, nothing serious, but a tinge no distraction can shake.

it's not that i wanted to be your girlfriend. that part of me has been a standing slag heap for nearly two years now, though it's been generating less raids by hungry mutants recently. it's that i really enjoyed you, both your presence and your flesh, and while that hasn't yet been denied me, i know how these things go, i've lived in this skin for so long, seen it a dozen times before. i am the eternal misstress not in the bdsm sense but the other woman sense. it's not a bad gig, nor without its perks (men do things with their misstresses that they'd never dream of asking of their wives), but it leads to a lot of nights with empty beds, and sometimes a lot of wondering what's wrong with me, why i'm always the bridesmaid in the backroom but never the prize catch.

that i think is the part i'm choking on worst right now. been a tight tussle between me and self-worth lately, been calling on all sorts of powers of skewed perspective and illusion to keep myself out of sinking swamps, but it's kind of a kick in the junk when coupled with the conviction that you're going to be shortly slipping from my life, another customer with a full belly leaving some thanks on the table. finding someone else like me, my kin, my language, it helped affirm that i have a right to be as i am, and that's been under a damn lot of attack lately. i can't say i'm not strong enough to hold that up on my own, but the arms, they are tired. individuality isn't celebrated everywhere, and much of the water i have swam in has been heavy with brackish conformity. many a sidelife has found me daubing my feathers with mud, still not a pigeon but at least not getting my eyes pecked out. it kills some of the self to do that.

i don't know what i'm talking about or why i'm talking except that it's late at night and i don't want to sleep because i have this huge court-colored tiger about to pounce on me and i have good chance but no assurance that a week from now i won't be in jail. as much as i can work and warp things, there are certain edifices that are especially antithetic against my charms. i'm writing because i want to talk to someone, because i feel this and i want to walk the path to see what it is, because i'm feeling, even if it is gross and grinding.

one of the other things that has me listening to tom waits and wishing for drizzle. i won't be at all surprised if the next time i see you the grey veil has dropped again, airlocks sealed and meat recoiling. i wasn't kidding about slag heap and mutants; the biggest reason for my celibacy was that for a while i just couldn't bring myself to sleep with someone more than once or twice, if i somehow managed to at all. once the empathy kicked in, well, i still haven't laid finger on if it was the connection itself or the beings i was connecting to, but yes, recoiling, with some mix of sudden distance and disgust. my other lover was someone whom i had known for some time, and never had an emotional connection with.

you, well, you're the first that's broken the spell for some time. let me reiterate that i'm not in the market for a mate or like substance right now; my life is far too fucked for that. but i know that you will either be around very briefly or for some time, and even now it is a coin toss, though the pessimist has called it with grim certainty. i'm sure that if i actually sent this it would seal that fate; chock full of girly insanity i'm sure that this letter is, but that was its intent, to distill all of this flavor of insanity, test its ph and conductivity and freezing point.

let me say this as last piece. the only bitterness in me is at the pattern and at the present. i could crow forever about the wonders you've wrought, and will likely kick myself all over someday that i didn't record each delicious moment. you have fed and reawakened both flesh and soul with your path through my life as it stands, and those gifts will never go away.

by the nagging wound on my ear i will know you.
070306
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Lmeon_Soda Dear (Name)

I wish that I understood you less. That I didn't have this deep, affectionate bond with what and who you are. I can see clearly how you think, why you think, and where your going. I can't tell the future, i've just experienced enough, and feel enough, to know.

I've tried for years to put a REAL real committment to how I feel about you and how much you mean to me. It seems the farther away from eachother we are, the more I care for you. The longer we don't speak, the more swelled my tongue becomes.

I couldn't skip through the mud with anyone right now, unless it was you who asked me. I've changed so much, even on a true soul level, that I'm surprised you knew me when we saw eachother last. It appeared that a complete regression was inorder for us to get along, and so I did.

Can you imagine? Clean cut, proffessional. Dedicating myself to a...a..building and a huge family of people whom I've never met. Telling the poor and distraught that they can't stay in my HOME!?! ME of all people throwing a 72 yearold woman out into the elements on an issue as base as (spit) cash.

But I want it so bad. It feels so right, so drunk fucking right, to be a Ruler of a Province. To have a land that is MY land. To have a home that is MY home. To be the Lord. But I digress.

The reason I'm writing this letter is to say I love you. I love ALL of you. I love every piece and tid bit I've ever seen the moment i saw it. I've cried with you, celebrated with you, whispered secerets in the night. I've pushed away, pulled tight, and longed for your smell. I've fucked with you, avoided you, and made love to you.

You have been a friend when I needed one. A wake up call when I needed one. A source of pain and a source of pleasure, when I needed one. Someone to look up too, someone to help. And a Sister all the while.

Make no mistake, I'm not sending this letter to you. This letter isn't FOR you. Its for me. Its for me to be honest with myself. Its for me to except, here, in plain blue, with no exception, that I will never stop loving you. Even if we never touched, talked, or saw each other again, I would still love you and long for you.

You are precious to me and whatever I have is yours for the asking. Take heart, My Sister. You are not alone.

never sent this.
070307
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falling_alone i still have those letters
that we wrote late at night
with intentions to send to strangers in a phone book
one missing that my mother ripped
(i_miss_you)
part of my wants to feel the relief of sneding them off.
part of me wants to keep them so i have at least one memory of that night,
because right now...
i'm not sure how or why
070308
what's it to you?
who go
blather
from