krupt i am the kruptstar, i can be funny, i can be depressed, and i can be the best friend you've ever had... but fuck me over and i will destroy you. I love this blog, and have spilled my heart out upon these pages countless amounts of times. 080228
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Lemon_Soda Welcome.


Write more.
better? __.....____..__...__..____.._______
krupt yeah thanks L_S. thats pretty much what i was trying to do...
ok well you want me to write more, well i had planned on it, i have decided to make this page the place i write instead of the random things i usually blathe about. I couldnt explain the complexity of my psyche if i even began to try. i am 25 years old and thats as personal of a question i would answer by this point. the reason blather helps me so much is cause it helps me anonomously get out my feelings that plague my brain all day. i hate life but i love it to no end. i have my problems but, hey, who doesnt. i do consider myself a genius, i am a licensed engineer and psychologist. but to get down to the meat of my blathes is that i just have no idea what i am writing half the time, i know i have problems but who doesnt... i am the krupt_star, i have chosen my name for reasons of what is wrong with this world, many things are corrupted and we need to rise up and stop this!!! we must stop this before it becomes status quo!!! we need to re think life, the only reason we need money is because we want to be happy but happiness is unattainable. i have recently gone through some depressing things in my life that have fucked my head up pretty bad, i have been perscribed some tiny white pills that are supposed to make me feel better but they have faded out thru the past few months. basically all i can really say is that i constantly feel lost... i just want to be happy in life and since ive deemed that impossile i just continue to live life the way i do... confused, depressed, and semi suicidal, and by that i mean someone who wants to die but cares too much about the poeple in his life to do the most selfish of all acts. just cause im fucked up and depressed doesnt mean i need to do something so selfish as to kill myself and make one of my friends feel the same way for what i have done to myself... help me
Doar you sound alot like myself when I was your age.

hang in there.

I'd offer some encouragement but after all the years I've gone through I've learned one thing. You have to take life one day at a time.

Anyways, hope you hang in there.

krupt thanks doar, for some reason it really helps when someone else "hears" you if you know what i mean. im hangin in there as best i can, i think ill last, its just gonna suck for a really long time. 080303
krupt well guys, had another bad one... i feel like im constantly playing emotional ping pong. whenever i ponder my feelings i feel like shit and need to get my mind off my mind if that makes sence to anyone.

"All your struggles beneath your disguise
Drink from the reasons that hold you alive
'Til we're safe from the wounds of desire and pain
You must rise from the mounds of desire and change"

-and thats what i ultimately have to do, i need to embrace change and rise out of this depressing slum. SHE could be my way out... that or just another path to feeling this way. whatever, i dont wanna be angry anymore, but its gonna take some work. im just gonna take it one day at a time.

i also need to begin following my dreams, im unhappy in my position, im forcing myself to study further into engineering because i want to make miney so i can be happpy, but the further into it i get it makes me more unhappy so how will i be happy when have alot of money and just stuck in an unhappy position... i have to get away, whats the weather like on Mars this time of year?

krupt Water trickling down the plastic slide into the pool filled with leaves. The yard once looked better, before the storm. But the way the sun glistens off the dew in the blades of grass almost give me a comforting feeling. Shine down upon this yard and bring me dreams tonight that wont cause me to wake up screaming. A butterfly flutters down onto my finger as it tickles my ear. I shed one tear for no reason other than to show I am human and give purpose to the incessant laughter of the yard staring back at me, then I slowly turn and walk away to send the vacant yard back to its unsupervised solidary life.

...I wonder how the front yard is doing
krupt you busted up my pride with a hard shot
I'm bleeding from my eyes still you wont stop
my hands did the best they could
but not enough
so talk down to me again
remind me how pathetic I am
and how perfect you were
disappointment offends
and I could really use a friend
but your not listening

I cried my eyes out
begging for you to reach down
still you watched me drown
its never good enough for you
I'm not enough for anyone
I'm not enough for anyone

don't let the direction of your finger blame me
I'll break it off and shove it back through your teeth
so now its pointed it you
if I could have anything
now what would it be
I'd make sure that I owe you nothing
then I'd spit in your face
laugh and walk away
and I'd never look back once

it all be said and done

all you ever take the time to see
are the smallest faults that I
didn't mean to have with me
so don't say I didn't try
cause that's not
too fair to do
cause all I did
I did for you
what's the point in trying when
its never good enough
krupt waking up and it seems like forever
I thought we were in this together
so lie to me again
and say the words that I need to hear
to keep your own conscience clear

you never give me anything to go on
so please let go of this string that I'm on
cause my face is numb from hitting the ground
this dirt is so hard to breathe
is that all you think of me

I swear I'd kick in your chest if I could
climb through it
into your heart
where I know I should be forever
but you don't seem to care

so I'll stick this gun up to my face
and make a bet on my life
you wont pull through tonight...
that's how little faith I have in you and me
another day spinning down the drain
and you left the taste of your indifference
once again it says this flesh is a waste
burn it to the ground

waking up everyday so alone
I thought you'd be here
but I guess I thought wrong

...Whatever, Goodnight
Lemon_Soda perfect 080303
krupt thanks L_S, tryin to make the best of life.

any way i feel like writin tonight again...

i feel i am beginning to find myself, at least for now. i have decided to change my life for the better and try and move on from this depressed state i have been in. i am beginning to think that all of these horrible feelings and thoughts of maiming myself can be attributed to two things. the first being these anti-depressants i am on, i know the side affects include suicidal thoughts but no one could tell me it was the pills making me feel that way. the other is the fact that i just plain hate about 90% of the stupid people on this planet, thought i wish i could see the best in everyone. i still wake up in a cold sweat at night dreaming about HER, though i feel i am beginning to hate the thought of HER existance. i sent HER an email last night saging nothing other than,

"new light will swallow the stars
painting pictures straight from dreams.."

this was the elements sending me an indirect answer to my problems. i have no idea where i came up with this line nor why i decided to send it to HER in the middle of the night, but it means something to me. as i repediately read it is says life goes on, new hope and dreams will come, and these new things will be better than what ive been accustomed to. i hope i am right, cause i could use the uplift.
krupt she showed me a picture of her friend, i no longer hope for this girl i might never have. I have seen eyes that i have fallen into. i can only imagine what they will look like in person. i am so in love right now i feel like im floating... i just hope she will like me.

her deep blue eyes are so enchanting, un like any i have ever seen... i have always been enfatuated with eyes; but these are special. they call to me, they tell me to meet her, and they tell me to make a move,i do not want to loose this one.
krupt That's why
This shorted out
Programmed restraint before the shutting down
This shorted out
memory fails during the crashing down.

I'm screaming at the satelites
And I'm watching all the screens go black in front of me.
I'm sending out a prayer tonight
Cause all the frequencies are down
and this silence seems so loud.

And as it's starting to fade out
And as we're heading underground
Well there's a pessimistic side of me
that knows that this might never turn itself around.
krupt Take it or leave me behind because you know that you never did care at all.
My poor ears have had it, you're coming in static.
Face down on the floor, tuned out across the board like a million times before.
You're living it up now, just wait until it goes down.
How did you get everything you want
When you never did a thing to deserve what you got?
You've got it made, got it all for yourself because that's the only thing
You really seem to care about.

Something tells me I'm in for something good, then the bottle opens
And here we go again.

I won't let you drag me down, no
Not one bit to get yourself back up.
I hope that, for your sake, you make it out in time.
So leave the light on or you'll never make it out alive.

Save it for someone who cares.
You should know that I never did care at all.
And now my sore eyes have had it, I'm kicking this habit.
So pick it up just like you said you'd do, because you've always got a point to prove.
It's win or lose, it's time to choose
You play it like you're hard, but I think I'm on to you.

Something tells me I'm in for something good.
Tell me how you like it.
phil Sorry I write the way you'd like to fuck! 090418
Lemon_Soda krupt, where you at? 090418
phil Actually Krupt...
You can't make any rules about what blather is, it is just bunches of words.
Second you have an ugly name.
Third I think I am a lot like you but I don't express violence in my writing, I used to draw violence when I was a kid though.
I get depressed but I never take any medication which I feel makes it easier to deal with. Since I was depressed and using illegal drugs, so medication didn't seem like a way out just a way back in.
Actually I did take a single kalanopin after a few years of fighting to get my head clear just long enough to get out of the rut I had created.
I used to have a rampant obsession with girls that break your heart. Now, luckily, I have someone with enough gumption to stick around.
I hate people that quote other people's writing on here, like Smashing Pumpkins, because it is a waste of time for me to read some regurgitation. However, I have quoted (the previous post is a quote of sorts) a few things.
I think my response to your rant on bitch was my condensed way of saying something very complex. Sometimes the most complex problems are unsolvable riddles because it takes some thing outside of our own minds to complete the puzzle, and it doesn't always come around often enough, especially if people aren't trying to help you.
I watched a Steve Wilko show, "did we have sex?", I was riveted. It was an affirmation that everybody goes through very similar relationship problems. I suspected it but I guess I just didn't get the message in high school. It is weird the kind of stuff that can get you into trouble.
Also, I have to say that hating 90% of the population is something I completely agree on, even the number 90% seems about right. Once you get hurt everyone seems to be accomplices, but I hate feverishly people who do shit like get abortions. Along with most people who work at hospitals, schools, bankers, landlords, street racers, drug dealers, etc. if they haven't fucked you over yet they are going to eventually.
I like poor artists, comedians, and people with positive attitudes despite all of life's shit. Strong work ethics tend to get on my nerves after a while. It is a good idea to have fun because evidently all this is going to fail anyway.
I don't consider my writing poems, and I wish I had time to read and understand everyone on blather, but maybe someday I will be that kind of god like person.
I used to wonder about religion a lot but I kind of gave up on the idea.
kruptltd im dead... thanks for listening 090616
krupt phil, all i have to say is you have wrote me one of the most inspiring things anyone has ever wrote me, i am since changed from what you have read, i am a recovering alcoholic and addict... being comitted on a 5150 wakes you up ya know. i am an artist and a "writer" i guess but drawing makes me feel good, ill send you pics of my art if u would like. i am in love with life now - scars almost completely healed - what else can i say but thanks for your blathe....peace... and to each their own if u think my name is ugly... i picked it for a reason, i feel that the population is corupt hence krupt, which i cant see you disagreeing with considering you agreed with the fact we hate 90% of humanity together. 091001
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