khai
sigma I was your first kiss, your first almost everything. You were the first boy who ever touched me like that. We loved each other. I messed it up, I lost faith in you. Realized my mistake, too late, but I can't give up. You say you don't love me. Maybe that makes me love you more. You say you don't know me. But you know I was stubborn. I'll love you till I die. I'll wait for you to come back from school, from Vietnam, from all the ends of the world. I'll be happy because I'm in love with you. I'm like a butterfly- or something -so happy to be in love again that it doesn't matter that you won't say the words. I love you. And someday you'll wake up and remember you love me too.

I'll be waiting.
030616
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sigma There's a boy out there who isn't a boy anymore, he's a man, and as such, he's outgrown his childish things...

And there's a girl out there who will always be a girl, and will always be childlish, and so the two of them will never meet again.
030805
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sigma Sometimes I actually believe that I'll be in your arms someday. If we do overcome this, I know it will be forever. I know the overcoming it would make us stronger than ever.

I wish I could believe that at the times when you are shutting me out, when you are pretending I don't exist. It's then that I doubt your innocence. Maybe you've learned to be cruel. And then again, it's probably me just overreacting. I hate it when I get like that.

There are times when I still need you, though. I still need the comfort of knowing you are -there- at the other end of the line, holding me up by being present. These days seem so strange and the upcoming ones will be terrifying because my whole life hangs in the balance of decisions made by other people.

I need you, I need you to tell it will be okay, like you used to. It was always different when you said it. You had a magic to your words...you always mean what you say.

It makes life terrible and frightening, all at the same time.
030822
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sigma You were so reluctant to tell me you were coming back to York for break.

You were so reluctant to speak to me at all. And theny ou said that if we saw each other, it would probably make things worse.

You said you would call me when you got in town, maybe.

My life is full of maybes and almosts and whatifs, and I hate it, and I miss it when you had a little gentleness to your swords.

Do you just not want me in your life anymore? I'll leave, if that's what will make you happy. I love you and it's your happiness that's most important. If you love something, let it go, and if it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was.

I'll let you go, and then I'll have a reason to wait for you...

I'm scared, you're not here, and the memories of you holding me are so painful and sweet.
030824
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sigma you're going to be close, tonight.
tonight you come home...

you never told me when you were coming back, else i would have been so excited. so instead i'm scared. you really don't want to see me?

i'm so meaningless?

then i should stop meaning. i should not hurt anymore people. but do not ask me to stop hurting myself.
030824
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sigma Mars is out tonight. A few years back you told me to watch for falling stars. It was the most romantic request I'd ever received.

Damn you. I can't hate you. It just makes me sadder. I think I will stop rambling now, and look at Mars. At least his pity for the human race is not peculiarly my own.
030824
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sigma hold me one more time
remember the promise I am about to make
if I find you again and you still cannot love me
it is then that I will accept defeat.

only the defeat that your love with not belong to me,
but i shall never lose the battle
to keep my love belonging to you.
030826
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sigma So you held me and you smiled but I can no longer tell if all the smiles you have for me are piteous ones.

I wrote a letter, and I was honest, and that means I'm very very frightened. Nothing makes sense. I miss you, so much. It's this little ache that nags at me when I try to sleep. It haunts my dreams. When I walk to class I zone out and start imagining things, hallucinating, almost. Did you ever really love me? Do you enjoy seeing me try and fall and trip over myself?

I wonder what it is you want. Do you want me out of your life, forever, completely? I wish you would just say so...almost. I don't know what I would do if I finally annoyed you so much you just wanted me to go away.

What will I do when you find someone else? Pray that you find someone who makes me seem wonderful...isn't it terrible? I'm such a mean person. Maybe I don't really want you to be happy. No...no. I want you to be happy. I do. I just wish so desperately that your happiness was with me...

But it's more likely you'll find a sweet, vivacious girl who's as smart as you, who knows entire textbooks about nature. She'll be pretty and patient and everything I will never, ever be. You'll be so happy with her. You'll have an outdoor wedding and four beautiful children...

And I cry even now.

Promises are promises. I will always love you. I wish you understood that, I don't think you do, and it makes me sad because more than you I've lost a future. I won't walk down the aisle. I won't ever be held. I won't ever have children.

How cruel of life to let me know what I want, as soon as it was too late. I miss you so much. The picture on my desk mirror is of us, at my confirmation, and you have your arm around me, and you look almost happy. I can see you when you're older, and a nature professor. Glasses, turtleneck, coat. You'll be very handsome, even more than now, and you'll be so proud of your first son.

These are the times when I realize what a terrible human being I am, how I'll never be the person you were looking for. I'm not beautiful. I'm not unselfish. I'm not patient or kind or smart. I'm manipulative and greedy and spiteful. Sometimes I get angry with you, knowing that you knew I wanted to say I was sorry but let it go until it was too late. Sometimes I think you never loved me at all...but then I hate myself more, because there's no blame to be laid on you. It's all my fault, it always was. I was always making mistakes. I was just never good enough...

And if you never loved me at all I only deserved it, because I was such a stupid little girl, but it still hurts. You said I was the most beautiful girl in the world. You said you would never love anyone else...

I don't have faith in God, but I had faith in you- I'm a faithless person save for you, I always, always believed in you. And the idea that you were wrong, or changed your mind, that you found someone better, oh God. Then my faith will have been for nothing, and I will be left with nothing, and already, I'm trembling.
030914
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sigma there's something at once beautiful and pointless in 'open mic nights'.

people come here to express themselves, to show off in some way, to share their deep philosophical meanings.

it's beautiful because their words are powerful sometimes, and if they stutter or are shy, it's more beautiful to see them finding this important. but it also seems shallow, and elitist, and it's a 'look at me' sort of affair. why are we hear bandying about sounds coming out of our mouths when we could be out there making the difference these sounds are demanding of society?

i suppose you cannot always be fighting a war.

and it made me think of you, who has no war to fight, and for a moment i thought of going up there, at the very last second i nearly raised my hand, and i was going to speak.

and it made me think of you, and how you were angry with the short story i wrote, 'tenderness', about us that day you came over. angry in that slow 'disappointed' way that hurts me so much more than yelling. you don't like people knowing about us. i can't decide if that's because you thought it was special, or because you're embarrassed.

me, i have to tell others because i'm not sure it was real. all that remains where all that love was is this sense of longing and displacement. loneliness and pain.

where once i said 'i love you', i can only have 'i miss you', and i am not allowed to make these sounds.
030919
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