john_and_i
unhinged for_all_the_days_i_never_knew_you

what_we_meant_to_each_other

the_presence_ofsilence
050518
...
unhinged for the last couple hours of the golden era of nicole and john, he sat bouncing his foot and i sat trying not to cry and no matter how much we smoked, five minutes later it wasn't enough to stop the tears that threatened to flood


and i got up to leave and he followed me to the door 'so you're leaving and you aren't coming back? looks like it's the end of an era.' and his hands wouldn't stay by his side and things that had faded away came back; i wanted to hug him. but i don't hug boys like him anymore.

i left cigarette butts of his in illinois and ohio.


he called me today to tell me he has to drive back to new jersey this summer and he wants to stop and see me.





it wasn't so hard to leave my apartment since for the last months i spent more time in his.
050523
...
unhinged i'm supposed to be the crutch that holds you up
the pedestal you stand on
the rag that wipes up all the tears
i know this utilitarian routine
but i'm too selfish for this now
i lost too much of myself that way
i want someone that can hold me up
someone to stand on
that can sop up the puddles i leave behind
i don't want to hear about the girls
you like and want to fuck
because believe it or not
since most people can't believe it
i would like to be the girl
that someone would like to fuck
but without
throwing me out with the condom afterwards
do you even care
about all of me?
i couldn't even hug you
it already hurts too much
that i'll always only be the friend
050612
...
~gez~ we played the russian dance or 'russichzer tanse' by oskar bohme in the hall and distracted the music class. we laughed when a tipex pen exploded in his mouth. i cursed when he ran underneath me and escaped while playing football. collaberated to get john through his music course by giving him my old compostition

once poked an orange sword in his eye and he spent two days of a family holiday in a dark room with an eye patch. shit all over his hand once when he tried to change me. done back-breaking work recently and earned 130. spent many a night watching crap movies on 5, or episodes of red dwarf

had bets on the amount of stationary we could fit into his hair
050612
...
unhinged 'well i think that the great friend level is a couple steps above the partner level.'


you always say these things about not wanting to make the same mistake. about how you have regrets about situations in which you were an asshole.

is that the rehearsed line you wished you would have said to the last girl that likes you more than you liked them?

the process of emotional decay i have is so much faster now.
050613
...
stork daddy have some sympathy for the devil 050613
...
unhinged it's just so hard for me now jimmy
to be the friend
when i'm empty and aching
for something beyond that
050613
...
stork daddy yeah i've dallied there. 050613
...
unhinged i can't talk to you the same anymore. i'm afraid now that i will say things i don't want to. our old banter is nothing but meaningless and i can only hear the damaging_negative_assumptions and how you try too hard to pretend it's still the same.


but i wonder how much of last night you remember, since the copious amounts of drugs you do always seem to conviently allow you to forget things you don't want to remember.
050613
...
unhinged you_killed_it 050621
...
sab i cant even connect
him and i in the same sentance
even quietly, so silently
in my head

danger sends me skidding to a halt
and i back up and run
run run run, run run run away

but this is not so terrible
and i am strong enough
to stand here and say


john and i
050622
...
unhinged there_there

weird how people like to live in denial. but eventually, he stopped calling. and today he calls to tell me he's going to stop by tomorrow on his way to new jersey. i think i'd rather he just drove straight through.
050721
...
unhinged false_love_letters
like the kind you send a 'friend'


maybe it is my fault we don't talk anymore
when you sat on the deck of my parents' house and said
'i missed doing this with you; i'm glad we are doing this'
or some stupid shit
i wanted to punch you in the face
i'm so sick of people
missing the distraction i make for them
i haven't really called you since you left
i can't bare to talk to you anymore
050727
...
unhinged i hope i didn't hang on too tightly
maybe i let_go too soon
you with your smirk
as my eyes darted to the floor
standing at the top of the landing
watching me walk out the door



now i know why i don't hug
boys like you anymore
the tears
an inevitable kneejerk response
i wanted to reach out
i wanted to help
i wanted to hold you
but it's easier to walk away
when the anger is too fresh
for tears


the way everyone else sees us
not even close
because that's part of the game
for you
maybe i wanted something closer
than what the prying eyes assumed
and you just wanted to use me
to make your mystery
me a comfortable part of your shroud
i thought you were done in me


and then you had to go and hug me
050913
...
unhinged who and what you are
so terribly familiar that
you couldn't even know
050913
...
unhinged i can't even bear to look at you anymore
now that you are fucking her
and when you do manage to
make time for me now
it's not much
because you are waiting for her
knowing it's not a good idea for the three of us to be together
you were probably running low on pot
the other night when
you asked me to hang out with both of you
i should get you and your bitch high
interesting
i can't even bear to look at you
051030
...
unhinged i need to stop torturing myself
with_you
051121
...
unhinged the three of us are slowly melding together like metals enfolding a magnet. it's sad because i want to like her; but it's torturous. all i can see when i look at her is all the things i am not. the reasons that she's better, the reasons that he's with her and not me. when i see the darting looks or the grabbing hands or the condom wrappers or the lube i pretend not to notice, observant_ignorance . but it gets easier for me and unfortunately it's always easier for me when she isn't around. we have been talking indirectly about the two of us; i wish i would just grow the balls to tell him how and why he hurts me. but the day that tore us apart was already six months ago. six months. what's the point in talking about it? what's the point in burdening someone with feelings you know won't be returned? i think in some ways it's better; i feel like we are closer friends because i have to push other feelings out of the way now. i don't really have those other feelings now. but i still hate the way he looks at her. i still get jealous of the way he looks at her, a way he never looked at me, but i still contend that neither of us could have looked that way at anyone back then.

why do i always end up the friend?




always the friend
always alone
051220
...
unhinged your_skin_makes_me_cry 060122
...
unhinged indulge_me

but somehow i think i would have a better experience if i went to the sigur_ros show alone.
060401
...
unhinged LESSON LEARNED

well the truth it fell so heavy
like a hammer through the room
that i could choose another
over her
you always said i was an actor baby
i guess in truth you thought me(...)
that you never saw the signs
that you never lost your grip
oh come now
that's such a childish claim
now i wear the brand of traitor
though it seems a bit absurd
when it's clear i was so obviously in pain
when it's clear i was so obviously framed
now you act so suprised to hear
what you already know
when all you really had to do was ask
i would have told you straight away
all those lies were true
all that was false was fact
now you hold me close and hard
but i was like a statue at most
refusing to acknowledge you'd been hurt
now you're clawing at my throat
and you're crying 'all is lost'
your tears they felt so hot upon my shirt
well the truth it fell so heavy
like a hammer through the room
that i could choose another over her
you always said i was an actor baby
i guess in truth you thought me just another....
was it you who told me once
now looking back it seems so real
that all our mistakes are
merely grist for a meal
so why is it now
after i've had my fill
would you steal from me the sorrow that i've earned
shall we call this a lesson learned?

ray_lamontagne
061030
what's it to you?
who go
blather
from