into_the_blather_void
ariel a rant for none to read. not even really a rant. i just wonder... i wonder if i can take this. some things you bury and it's for the best. to willingly bring them back to the light of day is to ask for trouble, surely. it's not her that's making this difficult. she was calmer than me, cheerier than me, i was the awkward one. but i guess we both left things unsaid. another time perhaps, but we best move quick, or i'm off forever. not because of her, just the path of my life takes me out of this country, of out her life again.

and i... i have a really bad headache, because i was crying. over some stupid film. well it was a really beautiful film, but i remembered when it was i first became such a sop, such an emotional wreck. when i left her. from then on anything even slightly touching, uplifting, sweet, beautiful, would make me cry. literally anything. the very first time was an episode of sabrina. it's cheap old home made attempt to teach love or duty or something actually made me cry.

i don't even know if it's having her back around that's making me feel so fit to burst, so emotional. i mean i am normally like this anyway, but... less so.

and things are going well. i feel calm, but, teary.

she's, she's weird. she's so settled. she worries that he'd leave her, that he'd tell her he's had enough, but i'm certain he'd never do that. she doesn't reflect. she said she never thinks about him really, because he never does anything she needs to think about, and she didn't know if that was good or bad. she was thinking off the top of her head, she only ever "communicates this way" with me. i left her life and she just stopped thinking, stopped analysing, stopped being creative even.

she's no better or worse than she used to be. she sometimes goes into awful moods, storms out on him for absolutely no reason, sometimes can't take the slightest bit of criticism, sometimes just needs to curl up and disappear. she can't cope. at all.

and nor can i. i thought of rachel briefly today and realised just how much i miss her. there's nobody here to keep me sane. but i'm not as bad as her, i don't storm out on those i love. i thought about this, and she can't treat people the way she feels for them, that's why i told her she'd never loved me, because she doesn't understand what love is. that's why i didn't blame her when she hurt me. she doesn't know. even now she doesn't understand why i was hurt, almost a year later. i'm different, i do treat people the way i feel for them. if i care for them, then i care for them. all my circle of close friends.

i was at her house and i nearly had a phonecall and a friend to cheer up and look after. it could have been one of so many people. some things never change, that's just who i am.

but if i'm like that with her, she'll break me into pieces. i couldn't sort her life out then, and i can't now. i may be "older and wiser" - i've certainly learnt a lot and grown a lot - but i'm also far more fragile, and that was her doing. both of it, in fact. i learnt because of her, and fell apart. i'm back together, but i'm a bit wobbly, unstable, unhealthy, unhappy.

i don't even know if it's that. just, having her back around unearths a multitude of memories, and i need to let them go or bury them deeper, i know which i'd prefer to do, and which i can actually do, but i can't do either if she's standing next to me. that's taking them to the surface and holding them tightly.

i think, we can sort this out. she broached the issue last time, that things are different, and we talked, it went well. we didn't say everything, but we set the ball rolling. it didn't take long. and at the train station we started to talk again, as we always used to at train stations. if it hadn't been the last train, i'd have been happy to miss it. train station talks were always memorable. it's just a matter of time. if we spend time together, we'll talk it through, all of it, even the difficult bits. she so nearly asked me a million things last time, i could see them on the tip of her tongue, and i so nearly explained everything, but i bit my tongue. i can't just say it, there's too much of "it". i need to know what she wants to know first, then i can begin, and we can go from there. the last time i trusted to that was nearly the best time i've ever spent to her, and then nearly the worst, and then it was the last, and i didn't talk to her again.

but the emotions are different this time. it's not love destroyed, it's friendship denied; it's not revelation, it's explanation. when we talked seriously last week, it was without emotion, it was honest and sensible. next time will be the same. if we simply spend enough time together, when she wants to start asking questions, i'll ask her to ask, and we'll finally resolve all that.

that might mean letting go of the past, or it might mean letting it all spill out into the present. obviously i hope for the former.

in a way it all worked, because i don't hope for her now, i've grown kind of comfortable with the knowledge that we'll never "work out", but i fear this might be because she never works things out with herself. i want her to be ok, but i'm not going to drown myself trying to save her this time. for at least the moment, she's just going to have to flounder.

as am i.
041022
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marked . 041022
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