impress_dafremen Dafremen Successful entries will be judged by me and OPTIONALLY by unhinged who is just as unlikely to be impressed by anything remotely blase'. One blather sheep to each successful entrant. Sheep are assigned on a first come first serve basis. No substitutions will be made, offer while supplies last. Now go ahead... impress me 010717 ... whoremaster fuck you 010717 ... Dafremen Nice......go pick yer sheep. Next! 010717 ... his sexcellence i can turn your penis into an artificial oven mitt. observe: ::: spontaneously turns dafremen's penis into an artificial oven mitt ::: don't expect it back to the way it was anytime soon, though. 010717 ... flippo i can dance on my own teeth it makes a tap dance sorta sound 010717 ... Dafremen Oven mitts and my penis are both EXTREMELY blase'...NEXT! 010717 ... Dafremen Tap dancing is extremely cool. No matter what the other kids told you when you were growing up flippo. However putting your shoes in your mouth is, well, gross do0d. No blather_sheep for you either I'm afraid. Next! 010717 ... unhinged how did i get dragged into this giving out of sheep? 010717 ... Dafremen Oh...I'll give out the sheep do0d..you just catch any entries that I miss and decide whether or not you're particularly impressed.(I trust you to be perfectly unimpressed by all but the most impressive of impressers.) I sure appreciate the help! : ) 010717 ... Aimee Daffy!!! what about my monkeys??? is that impressive? 010717 ... Dafremen Indeed it was Aimee.....TAKE A SHEEP!! 010718 ... Aimee kick ass *picks a cute and fluffy sheep* 010718 ... Dafremen Another satisfied contestant. Anyone else? Cmon...impress me...I dare ya! 010718 ... Weed Eater A snake crawled up my ass while I was shitting in the woods. That was twelve years ago, and it is still in me, man. It eats all my food. The doctor says I have malnutrition. The only food my body gets must be shat out by the snake. They can't kill or remove Rose-Petal, that's his name, or else I'll die! Our symbiotic relationship is beautiful. 010718 ... grendel i have prepared and eaten each of the recipes devised on baby_satan's_snack_tips and come through it without being any more damaged than i was to start with (and trust me, that was pretty damaged) 010718 ... silentbob ive had my heart broken in the same situation and i'll always come back for more 010718 ... dB Bob, that's kinda a given isn't it. I move that Bobs last comment be removed from the slate of history. 010718 ... baby satan i second that. 010718 ... phil Sort of, tilts his head slightly. An hour later it tilts foreward. Time drags the head slowly over the decaying body. It reaches the floor and becomes seperated, bouncing violently down the stairs. 010719 ... phil The mouth falls open with the final impact, a moo sound can be heard inside. 010719 ... phil Wallpaper sheds slowly, from sun and moisture, falling slowly like petals on the moo skull. 010719 ... Dafremen Weedeater - Letting a snake crawl up your ass does NOT impress me. It causes me to pity you and want very much for you not to procreate. However living up such a moron's ass for 12 years is QUITE impressive. Rose-Petal...TAKE A SHEEP!(Might I suggest number 666? 4 and 1 are taken.) - - Gendel - I looked at baby_satan's_snack_tips and a shudder ran through my entire body. Normally I would find the performance of an act which I am unable to perform myself to be very impressive. However in this case I find it revolting. Fortunately his Sockroda Popper has baking soda which should calm the inevitable heartburn. No sheep...NEXT! - - S'Bob - I am suprised. I expected more from you. Perhaps that is MY failing and not yours. Returning for more heartache is akin to hitting yourself repeatedly in the head with a hammer. It may be fun to watch you do it, but it's NOT impressive. No sheep Bob, sorry...NEXT! - - Phil - NOW THAT'S MORE LIKE IT! TAKE A SHEEP!! 010719 ... | ) [: // ( ) /| Phack and Phil were up a hill to find a sheep with character Phack fell down on concrete ground and one sheep hollered in laughter Phil maced the sheep's 8} funny face and clubbed his head with a splatter The sheep fell down so Phack went to town on the poor synical bastard 010720 ... Dafremen If only you HADN'T resorted to someone ELSE'S Nursery rhyme as the basis of your BRILLIANT piece. Impressed? No not really. You've ALWAYS impressed me as a Nursery Thyme kind of person. No sheep...NEXT!!!! 010720 ... gas powered grendel au contraire, the baking soda from the sockroda poppers in combination with some of the other chemicals acted more like the effect that alka_seltzer has on pigeons on an interesting side note, however the resulting flatulence has melted my upholstery, killed the termites in my walls and if i stand on my roof, drop my pants and grab my ankles, i can power_launch myself across distances of up to seven miles now come, on, if that's not sufficiently impressive, i don't know what is 010720 ... Sol Is the sheep real due to a belief in said animal? can it exist only on the premise that it is described as doing so? If i describe to you, as a real item, something i know to be untrue, does it have any form of existance? if you believe it to be true can it be true existing in your perception? 010720 ... Sol also i am capable of creating, out of a combination of the wool and milk from said sheep a composite human with a startling likeness to any world leader you care to mention, this creature is fully capable of acting as and appearing as a human being, whilst under my control, therefore with your sheep i could rule the world, HAHAHA, My Manifesto: I propose to: Legalise weed (appealing to the punters) indoctrinate all children into a frame of mind where modern societeties obsession with race/colour and creed are not present in their mind. provide free health care to anyone who is not earning so much money that they can go out and loose 1000000's and not notice (except in such countries as spain and italy, where a unit currency is worth absolutely nothing, where a higher figure, equivalent to that number in sterling, is exchanged for it) have compulsory comunity service, whereby people go out and paint grannies houses and plant public flowerbeds, etc. cancel military spending and sink vast sums of otherwise military funds into scientific research, primary subjects for said research are; alternative energy sources, alternative (and spontaneous/instant travel methods, destruction of congenetive diseases and cancers, destruction of AIDS, particularly focusing on third world countries, eg Africa, alternative housing. prevent extensive building onto green field sites, and instead utilise innercity brown site land for housing construction. prevent artificial pesticides, etc, being used on farm land, particularly focusing on oestrogenic compounds. Give every person in the world a small area of the moon promote third world (and first world) family planning investigate where the second world went increase public transport services make the sending of spam illegal um, suggestions anyone? im too tired to think about more. 010720 ... baby satan i bow before grendel! 010720 ... *Ziima* This is an original prose that i wrote to an ex boyfriend. I will substitue words to fit this occasion. --I'm not a mood for people today, and all i want is "a sheep"(you) and all i need is "a sheep"(you) so why do i sit here hungry and deprived of my "sheep"(life)? I'll tell you why cause your moms a bitch and is joining everyone else in the endeavor to drive me insane I'm not a nymph but damn I need to quench my desires. -- Um...ok...that sounded bad...yeah...it sucks..ohwell... Just give me my god damned sheep, ok? 010720 ... Dafremen Gendel - The power launching has been done before...try it with a hang glider and roller blades. However the TERMITE thing could be lucrative and THAT is impressive....TAKE A SHEEP!! (...as long as you agree to my being managing partner in this pest control venture..) 010721 ... Dafremen Sol, excellent if not somewhat overworked point. I believe that the OBJECTIVE reality of NOTHING can change through pure belief alone, but certainly belief in change is the first step toward enacting it. (Thanks for the casual break from the contest... : ) Now back to the heated competition!) 010721 ... Dafremen lil' demonic highness do0d, You almost had me impressed with your strong stand on ganji, but then the rest of that malarky started to sound like Gore saying "Education, Health Care and the Environment" over and over like a hypnotising machine while making that chopping motion into his palm with the mechanical elbow looking like he was in a breakin' movie in the 80's or something. It made me shudder. Very IMPRESSIVE take your f-in sheep and go replace Jeb Bush with it, oh and keep Gore out of office PLEASE! Find some nice middle of the road guy who doesn't always look like his suit doesn't fit (Bush) or like his body doesn't fit (Gore). Cmon do0d...I'm giving you a free f*cking SHEEP after all...what's one REAL leader instead of a boz0 and more bullsh*t?! Huh?! HUH?!! HUUUHH!?!!??!!!?@@!! (Ahhh...I feel much better, I've been holding that inside since those STo0PID elections. Thanks you for your kind indulgence your micro-satanic majesty) 010721 ... Dafremen Ok, I'm so bl0an that I misread that blather's author. (snatches sheep back from baby satan) Here you go Sol...sorry do0d...yea Get Jeb Bush out of Florida cuz Floridians got enough problems without that b.s. and keep that guy who invented the Internet out of office too. Those TWO things and I'll be indebted to you, maybe I can swing a second sheep.As opposed to swing WITH one...(hoots a udgmental, disapproving look at baby satan who has come riding in strapped to the BACK of his sheep) 010721 ... Dafremen Zima that was the most beautiful thing I have ever read, except for a bunch of other stuff that was more beautiful. I'm EXTREMELY impressed!!! Take YOU..uh oh...hold on a minute...we're out of sheep...there were only six. Sigh...guess the contest is over folx...enjoy the sheep...don't forget Grendel...think dead termites! "Po0terators: We get the job done in the end." (It's still rough I'm working on it do0d...sheesh!) THIS CONTEST IS CLOSED. FEEL FREE TO CONTINUE OR NOT AS YOU PLEASE. AFTER ALL BLATHER_IS_BLATHER. 010721 ... florescent light damn it, late again 010721 ... Aimee daffy... Should we start giving away dead monkeys? I've got plenty... 010721 ... *Ziima* Got any camels instead? If not, I have plenty of deer, donkey, and camels. Best part is that they're alive. We could give them out too. The stench is gettin to me...Summer is the worst. 010721 ... Dafremen The contest continues thanks to the kind benevloence of our sponsor: Aimee and her 200 dead monkeys. (1 wet, 1 frozen and 198 charred.) Plenty of prizes so keep those clever cards and letters comin folx. That's right, GET yer dead monkee now! Impress me. 010723 ... Dafremen Crappy spelling does NOT impress me, dafremen...it only annoys me ....better luck in the future...NEXT!!! 010723 ... yoink you'd be surprised how much a sheep is like a woman. so soft and supple, who can resist entering a contest like this? in addition to that wonderful trait, a sheep is easy to store, you can broil it if you're hungry, it makes nice noises, it craps in little neat piles. i think i deserve a sheep just because i would make such good use of it. i also deserve a sheep because i once ate 650 pornography videos in one sitting. 010723 ... nocturnal at work I'd like to add my vote for yoink. if what he just said's not enough, he should get credit for complimenting me. thanks again, buddy. 010723 ... yoink no problem, buddy! thanks for the vote! 010723 ... Aimee daffy, that's 1 dead wet one and 2 dead frozen ones, and 197 dead charred monkeys... enjoy! 010723 ... Casey What about my ability to watch scrambled porn like it is normal? I can also take a stool and make people believe it is a dead deer. It worked in speech 010723 ... Gollum I think about sex in church 010723 ... burden Dafremen, I am your love child. 010724 ... TalviFatin I was working lastnight. Actually, it was this morning. around 2:30. When John, another overnight-graveyard-pantry relay-stocker-freight-person like me, started babbling about Vikings and viking bread, and gravy, and how the castles they had back then had "poop pits" and if he lived back then his Viking name would have been "John, the shit shoveler" cause he would be the loser who would have to shovel it out. It was sooo funny. He was overtired and talking about funny shit, my stomach hurt so bad. He also was acting kinda..femmy. His layout was for Fancy Feast the Cat food, and he was just makin stupid comments about it...gawd... ok i'm tired. 010724 ... Dafremen Yoink - You're right..I AM impressed. You win. Here. (Hands yoink a wet Aimee-pee soaked dead monkey.) Enjoy. Noc - Must you encourage them dear? Yoink again - You got yer dead monkey do0d...now am-scray before I sic DB on ya. Aimee - No maam..it WAS 1 dead wet one, 2 dead frozen ones, and 197 dead charred monkeys. Now it's just 2 dead frozen ones, and 197 dead charred monkeys. By the way...ANOTHER clever idea for getting rid of them Aimee...bra-vo. I'm impressed...TAKE A DEAD MONKEY! Casey - Although your talents certainly BORDER on the impressive, I would like to suggest that you: A) Get smarter friends and classmates(in particular your speech class associates) B) Figure out a way to record what your mind sees when you watch the scrambled porn. This would allow OTHER people to enjoy it as well and THAT would be impressive. You could call it...hmm...how aboooouutt......a DE-scrambler? (Because it would take the scramble out of the picture for everyone.)Good idea huh? No dead monkey for you...NEXT Gollum - Even the priest/minister/pastor thinks about sex in church. You're not alone. If you were a statue of a saint or something I might think differently, but you're not.........are you? burden - Which one? In any event, that's really a shame. I guess I've given you everything you need in life already so....no dead monkey for you...NEXT! TaliFavin - Nice blather...was that an entry? If it was I'm not impressed, although the image of some huge fat guy shoveling Fancy Feast into a pit full of crapping Vikings did force a strained smile to my face. (You'll have to excuse the fuzzy recollection of your blather..see I'm tired as sh*t too..) Hope you enjoyed the laugh with your co-worker, cuz that's all you'll be enjoying here. No dead monkey for you...NEXT! 010724 ... Teenage Jesus How about the Lord Gawd All-Mighty shooting five under to tie Satan- Lord of the Underworld on Sunday! 102, the temperature was; remember we are amatures- five under! A five under 67! That my friend is the score of a lifetime. (Dave shot a 116. He took one-hits all damn day long.) How about a frozen monkey- I want to put it in Dave's giant bong and see if he notices it. 010724 ... Aimee daffy.. i've already won a sheep in the initial prize round... I won't take a monkey, because someone else might like it more... *returns the dead monkey* 010724 ... Dafremen You...are GOOOOOOOOD. 010724 ... yummychuckle i don't have any reason to attempt to impress dafremen. Don't care too much what he thinks anymore. 010724 ... Teenage Jesus HELLO- Five under!! 010724 ... TalviFatin No, it wasnt an entry, Dafremen. 'Cause I dont want a dead monkey. I'd rather have a case of fleas. Wait, no. Mites. 010724 ... Dafremen Yummy - Nice try. I was almost impressed by your cool demeanor and equally well thought out delivery intended for maximum impact with minimal investment. Unfortunately I saw through it in about 14.752 seconds give or take a millisecond. NO DEAD MONKEY...NEXT!!! Teen Jesus - Pardon my absence, but then again you were kinda busy for ME during my brief Presbyterian stint so I figure we're even. It wasn't that I didn't find the story impressive T.J. indeed I did. A bit TOO impressive if you ask me. I mean we ARE talking the Lord Gawd Almighy and all, but....well you see my point. Now if you can VERIFY this with photographic evidence or somebody other than you, Satan or any of your relatives employees or subjects then I might be willing to reconsider. But you don't actually expect me to take YOUR word for it do you? Sorry man...NO DEAD MONKEY..NEXT!! TalviFatin - You copied my impress_me blathe blatantly and in full view of the entire blathering public. I AM MIGHTILY IMPRESSED WITH YOU...TAKE 2 MONKEYS. (They are all thoroughly infested with both lice AND mites) NEXT! 010724 ... yummychuckle DAMN YOU DAFREMEN!!!! i wanted that dead monkey. Hell, two would have been heaven. 010724 ... black-dyed gel product Neme R. Fad is quite a guy. He's the Blath Magazine "What, me blather?" guy. 010724 ... Teenage Jesus ok, ok...you're right. Why should you believe that score (five under is pretty freaking unbelievable.) So I'll give it another go from another angle (and plus next time I'll get some acceptable verification; yeah right, like I'll ever shoot five under again.) I love unconditionally until I'm screwed over at least five times. I figure folks deserve the benefit of the doubt. I let lots of people in during heavy traffic. I rescue spiders and other bugs from inside the house and turn them loose outside (my wifes idea.) I think Howard Stern is a moron, but ironically, Bob Edwards is a jerk to. I believe in good for goodness sake while recognizing *James Earl Jones Voice Here* "the power of the dark side." Uh-oh here I go from five a-clock in the mornin' til ten o'clock at nite- chris-ti-anity is stupid! Uh- click click player; chief say you have choice, death or Chi Chi. Let's see, gimme death chief. Ah, you choose death; OK- but first a little Chi Chi. These two Creetens `er playin' 3-D chess, and they play five games and they win the same number of games; how'd they do it? That's easy- they weren't playing each other. Hmm, that works; but it ain't right. Give me Cancer, I'll cough up the tumor and butter my bread with it! Ooops- 4:30 -Tah 010725 ... Dafremen Give the man his monkey good lord! I had no idea it was so bad T.J... honestly I didn't. (Thanks for dropping the whole 5 under line of crap, I'm glad you understand.) TAKE A DEAD MONKEY.(Only charred ones left...sorry. If you want variety, go Impress_TalviFatin he's got emus and wolf sh*t.) 010725 ... Dafremen P.S. Chi Chi is slang for Bazoinkas in Spanish. : ) P.P.S. Bazoinkas is slang for bo0bz. P.P.P.S. Bo0bz is slang for breasts. P.P.P.P.S. I think. I generally call them titties, so I'm not really sure. 010725 ... Aimee I am impressed with that last one daffy... take a dead monkey.... how many are we down to now? 010726 ... Dafremen Oh good lord girl I can hardly look at the damned things, let alone count them. You're kidding right? Let's just give em away til the pile's gone. I'm sure if you'd take all of the ones you earned we'd be out of them right now. (Hey if someone actually comes back and counts them we can say I left a few in my trunk from when you didn't accept yours. That should cover our asses at some unlikely date in the future should one of these hormonally doped(and dopally doped) freaks actually get MOTIVATED and count how many we gave away. If we give away too many, we'll say they were imports from some jungle fire in Sumatra or something. We didn't wanna disappoint our beloved blatherers. See how Daffy makes it easy do0d? Got the angles covered, cept the ones I don't and I'll cover those when and if I get to them. : ) ) 010726 ... TalviFatin *hands back the two flea/mite infested monkeys* Here I dont really need them. You can give them away if you run out. Oh, Daffy, btw, I'm a she. :) 010726 ... Aimee Daffy... I gave them to you so that I wouldn't have to deal with the smell anymore... I'm not taking them back... just hold a hankie to your face and go count them.. :) 010726 ... Anonymity The day's rolled on and unforgiving but my hope withstood the torment of constant failure. The next town approached on the horizon and I was sure that this would be the one that wouldn't dissapoint me and give me back my pride in humanity. In the evening I got a ticket while speeding away from that hell-hole. My search continued on despite the heavy toll that ticket had taken on my wallet. I wondered yet again how could I have been so nieve to start such a search in the first place. I truly wished that I had stayed where I belonged at that moment. But still, I made my way down the gravel roads toward the interstate and the next town. Throughout the last four weeks my trek had led me zig-zagging across three fourths of the United States with no luck. I lost faith in finding a place that wasn't the same as the last. I had searched in every direction in the country but still I found the same old shit but with a different name. I supposed only fools dream of what they can't have as I slipped ahead of the old Ford pick-up ahead of me. O'screw it all, im sick of writing, I can't remember why I even wanted your praise in the first place. *sighs* 010726 ... lost well daf, this is an impossible feet by the likes of me, as you know. well as of right now, a spot of bright sunlight has hit the shadow of my life. im moving in with the person i can say i truely love. i dont think i have ever been this happy(well you have to have been happy first to be the happiest you've ever been so never mind) this is the most i have ever consequativly(i know i didnt spell that right but i dont care) smiled. I dont think much can bring me down. im floatin on cloud 9. so you know what i have to say to you daf. thanks. i think. you've given me alot of advice and stuff. i also say screw you but only cuz thats what i say to everyone who gives me advice. peace, lost 010726 ... Dafremen TalviFatin - No RETURNS. That policy is final. P.S. I call unhinged do0d and he's a she...go figure. The ladies asked for non-gender based interaction. I aimed to please. Who woulda figured they were kidding? Anonymous - Your search is over. I'm not sure why you started out after this prize either, but HERE'S YOUR DEAD MONKEY! Enjoy. lost - I'm glad you're happy. Don't let her f*ck you in the eyehole kiddo, that's all I gotta say about that. Cept be safe and have a blast. Oh that and QUIT yer blind lashing out you vacuous dipsh*t. (Which is what I say to all of the teens who tell me to f*ck off after giving them advice.) Oh and take a dead monkey. It was apparently easier to earn than you thought. 010727 ... lost thanks daf. i take my dead monkey with pride. 010729 ... Sol hey, sorry i have not been around much. thnkyou for the sheep, it arrived by crossatlantic post today, the bax was a little small though, good thing it was a collapsable sheep, eh? I have set to work removing bush from power, shouildnt be too hard, in fact i could use a dead monkey, and simply switch them, i dont think anyone would notice until at least next election. so tell you what, if i get a monkey you can have bush, and various murder/torture implements, (take your pick) 010730 ... Dafremen Ok well my $600 tax refund gets here in the mail in a couple of more weeks. Till then lay off the Dubya. By the way, PLEASE tell me yer gunna replace him with someone that isn't remeniscent of neither W. OR Gore OR Clinton OR Bush OR Reagan? I'd sure appreciate it and WHATEVER you do do0d(Heheh I just said doo-doo'ed)if it's a choice between Gore and W. just put the lil' shrimp back in the oval office. Gawd forbid we should have Albert the neo-socialist animatronic puppet running the place. (~shudders~) LEsser of two evils think LESSER of two evils...that's the one that wants to take the least amount AWAY from you. 010730 ... peyton One time, I met an angel. He saved me from a car accident, and carried me up a ravine. True story. Ask the three other people in the car that were saved the same way. 010730 ... Sol I was just saying, Daff, my job would be a lot easier if I had one of those mankey monkey corpses, i think it'd do a better job than ol' bush anyway. 010730 ... Aimee Daffy, I found something I find to be a source of hilarity... quite impressive.. see: Why_I_Hate_Aimee I personally was impressed mainly because this posting was partially written as an opinion, and also to try and hurt my ego... LMAO 010730 ... Dafremen I think we agree Sol. Let's just put Andy Taylor from Mayberry RFD in the White House. (Not Mattlock though...heavens no...not that...) I think he should do a pretty good job of keeping the Libs from getting stupidly liberal and the Conservatives from being too up tight. He should also be able to keep the Dems from going apesh*t increasing the size of the government while keeping the GOP from selling us out to the large corporate interests. Yep Andy Taylor for president...Floyd the Barber for Vice President. Should be the best administration in decades if not centuries. peyton - I'm glad that angel dipped down to scoop you out of the heap of sh*t you were in. Sounds like you've already received YOUR prize. Good story, NO DEAD MONKEY... Aimee - I am reading that after I type this. If it sucks I'll laugh. If it doesn't..I'll STILL probably laugh. 010730 ... Sol um, who? (is andy taylor) 010730 ... Teenage Jesus Andy Taylor was only the best Sherrif Mayberry ever had. Andy led by example...and he didn't need a gun; his badge was s symbol of the law that represented all of the folks in Mayberry- and that was enough. 010730 ... Sol riiiiight.......... being non american I dont think i get that at all, sorry, I have no idea where/what/when mayberry was/is, either, sorry. 010730 ... Dafremen Mayberry was a small fictional town somewhere in the state of (North?)Carolina. It was the setting for a black and white TV serial called The Andy Griffith Show. If you've heard of Ron Howard(Happy Days, Director of Splash and other films) he played a character(The Sheriff's son Opie) on that show. The thing that was so appealing about Andy Taylor as sheriff was that he didn't treat the law like it was one size fits all. He applied the laws fairly and he RARELY resorted to his authority as sheriff. His way was to convince people, talk to them, understand them and help them to understand each other. Andy used his badge like most parents would use corporal punishment, only when all else failed. Andy Griffith was not just a decent sheriff, and a decent American...he was a decent human being and a good leader. Guess truth ISN'T better than fiction after all. 010730 ... Teenage Jesus Yes- Andy knew that "you do a whole lot better if you go, not so much by the book, but by the heart." AND- Mayberry was based on Andy Griffith's actual home town of Mt Airy North Carolina. 010730 ... ButtHole Surfer You wouldn't be related to Tom Lykis? Would you? 010805 ... Dafremen No I would not. Are you related to dolphin-safe tuna by any stroke of fate? Oh and by the way...I haven't been impressed in a long while. Anyone care to step up to the plate? 010901 ... Gollum i collect high school girls, yes precious, high school girls, sealed in large vats of lime jello. 010901 ... Dafremen Now that's impressive. Dead munkee? Or fish? (stop eyballing my daughter. Put down the lime green color swatches dammit..right this instant.) So munkee or fish? 010902 ... Gollum we wanted a sheep, yes my precious, but we will take the fishie. Nice dead fishie. Nice, nice dafremen give smeagol tasty fishie. nice dafremen. we will not collect the nice hobbits daugher, no. nice fishie. 010902 ... Phil Ok this is it, I am hitting the low road, that's right. I am leaving this slum baby, bouncing outa town, shaking a leg by the door. So I am offering, as compensation for all the months...? of listening to my babble, my earthly body. I would like the judgment to be rash but fair. I want something with a little zing in it, maybe something sexy, but no S&M hardcore stuff. Not a lot of babble either, it has to be edited, and have a clear point behind it. I want it to be like the Star Spangled Banner, something that rests on the lips of babes, and I mean hot mommas, it has to be seen in the eyes of all who read it, a blather that gives a certain something to us, for what I am about to give to you. And oh yeah, it has to be about a billionzillion times better than this crock_o'_shit. So this is Phil signing off. 020207 ... phil everything I said, fits together like a puzzle. Goodnight. 020510 ... Dafremen Coming your way fat boy, but I´ve more than given my fair share of such zing-poppin´ fare as you describe. Surely what you offer is merely just compensation for a year spent trying to entertain the masses but instead spent wading through the accusatory rape of the vain, egotistical and close-minded. No indeed, Phil goodnight if you must, but a show I´ve earned and by gawd a show I will receive, one for one...even barter. If not from you, then by my own hand...hell we´re all the same sh*t anyhow...I´m as good to entertain me as you would probably be anyhow. Well Phil, I was almost impressed...but not sheep or munkEe impressed. Not by a long shot. see also: DAF_INDEX MEET_ROGER DAFREMEN 020510 ... phil It has no meaning Clouds like a dream So now I sit And missfire Like a burnt wire Bent on an ankle Hung from a tree All things free And nothing said Reality issues dread In my head my mind I see you see like me But we don't see Neither do for I fear In my years You will never hear The crystal tone I have rehearsed That will not negotiate Take a shortcut Or hit reverse. I fear for me Instead for you When dead I know what I'll do when Living no choice But to sell out. Convinced the tone Will always be There that it Cannot be sold Or dropped Or rip. And that I can Be telling Truth Without ringing through My words That is illusion. Just a mental mystery. But do not believe I believe that Things can be changed In this way. By saying goodnight And writing without a fight And letting go Of all I live In spite I say Goodnight For the pain The world Has brought For everyone Has sold out For not And rittled my brain With bullets instead. What excuse Will I use today I lose And hit the hay. Can I awake Now in my sleep To dream of dragons in smoke To bring a thing Which I can't explain That which must Be spoke It's clear To me These dribblings Represent Time unspent Best to my Abilities Which can only Regurgitate Directly. To be beyond Wish to see a Choice not given to me All my time spent Came and went As it chose to go For follow it Or fall And I followed it Straight into the fall So fall to dust Pheonix I trust No wait or debate No love or trump No high or speak No world I tried No child saved No issue resolved Not overcome Compare and contrast My life evolved Without lies Unseen. (if any truth can be found, a truth, that cannot be seen another way, a truth that will forever stay, a truth that does not bleed into other dimensions in reality, a truth that uses every part of your being) Shakespeare Changed the plays Everyone knew Using pantameter Making his version Stick like super glue Cheap trick End of an age. Daffy, what edge is all this? 020510 ... possessed angel impress_dafremen Dafremen Successful entries will be judged by me and OPTIONALLY by unhinged who is just as unlikely to be impressed by anything remotely blase'. One blather sheep to each successful entrant. Sheep are assigned on a first come first serve basis. No substitutions will be made, offer while supplies last. Now go ahead... impress me 010717 ... whoremaster fuck you 010717 ... Dafremen Nice......go pick yer sheep. Next! 010717 ... his sexcellence i can turn your penis into an artificial oven mitt. observe: ::: spontaneously turns dafremen's penis into an artificial oven mitt ::: don't expect it back to the way it was anytime soon, though. 010717 ... flippo i can dance on my own teeth it makes a tap dance sorta sound 010717 ... Dafremen Oven mitts and my penis are both EXTREMELY blase'...NEXT! 010717 ... Dafremen Tap dancing is extremely cool. No matter what the other kids told you when you were growing up flippo. However putting your shoes in your mouth is, well, gross do0d. No blather_sheep for you either I'm afraid. Next! 010717 ... unhinged how did i get dragged into this giving out of sheep? 010717 ... Dafremen Oh...I'll give out the sheep do0d..you just catch any entries that I miss and decide whether or not you're particularly impressed.(I trust you to be perfectly unimpressed by all but the most impressive of impressers.) I sure appreciate the help! : ) 010717 ... Aimee Daffy!!! what about my monkeys??? is that impressive? 010717 ... Dafremen Indeed it was Aimee.....TAKE A SHEEP!! 010718 ... Aimee kick ass *picks a cute and fluffy sheep* 010718 ... Dafremen Another satisfied contestant. Anyone else? Cmon...impress me...I dare ya! 010718 ... Weed Eater A snake crawled up my ass while I was shitting in the woods. That was twelve years ago, and it is still in me, man. It eats all my food. The doctor says I have malnutrition. The only food my body gets must be shat out by the snake. They can't kill or remove Rose-Petal, that's his name, or else I'll die! Our symbiotic relationship is beautiful. 010718 ... grendel i have prepared and eaten each of the recipes devised on baby_satan's_snack_tips and come through it without being any more damaged than i was to start with (and trust me, that was pretty damaged) 010718 ... silentbob ive had my heart broken in the same situation and i'll always come back for more 010718 ... dB Bob, that's kinda a given isn't it. I move that Bobs last comment be removed from the slate of history. 010718 ... baby satan i second that. 010718 ... phil Sort of, tilts his head slightly. An hour later it tilts foreward. Time drags the head slowly over the decaying body. It reaches the floor and becomes seperated, bouncing violently down the stairs. 010719 ... phil The mouth falls open with the final impact, a moo sound can be heard inside. 010719 ... phil Wallpaper sheds slowly, from sun and moisture, falling slowly like petals on the moo skull. 010719 ... Dafremen Weedeater - Letting a snake crawl up your ass does NOT impress me. It causes me to pity you and want very much for you not to procreate. However living up such a moron's ass for 12 years is QUITE impressive. Rose-Petal...TAKE A SHEEP!(Might I suggest number 666? 4 and 1 are taken.) - - Gendel - I looked at baby_satan's_snack_tips and a shudder ran through my entire body. Normally I would find the performance of an act which I am unable to perform myself to be very impressive. However in this case I find it revolting. Fortunately his Sockroda Popper has baking soda which should calm the inevitable heartburn. No sheep...NEXT! - - S'Bob - I am suprised. I expected more from you. Perhaps that is MY failing and not yours. Returning for more heartache is akin to hitting yourself repeatedly in the head with a hammer. It may be fun to watch you do it, but it's NOT impressive. No sheep Bob, sorry...NEXT! - - Phil - NOW THAT'S MORE LIKE IT! TAKE A SHEEP!! 010719 ... | ) [: // ( ) /| Phack and Phil were up a hill to find a sheep with character Phack fell down on concrete ground and one sheep hollered in laughter Phil maced the sheep's 8} funny face and clubbed his head with a splatter The sheep fell down so Phack went to town on the poor synical bastard 010720 ... Dafremen If only you HADN'T resorted to someone ELSE'S Nursery rhyme as the basis of your BRILLIANT piece. Impressed? No not really. You've ALWAYS impressed me as a Nursery Thyme kind of person. No sheep...NEXT!!!! 010720 ... gas powered grendel au contraire, the baking soda from the sockroda poppers in combination with some of the other chemicals acted more like the effect that alka_seltzer has on pigeons on an interesting side note, however the resulting flatulence has melted my upholstery, killed the termites in my walls and if i stand on my roof, drop my pants and grab my ankles, i can power_launch myself across distances of up to seven miles now come, on, if that's not sufficiently impressive, i don't know what is 010720 ... Sol Is the sheep real due to a belief in said animal? can it exist only on the premise that it is described as doing so? If i describe to you, as a real item, something i know to be untrue, does it have any form of existance? if you believe it to be true can it be true existing in your perception? 010720 ... Sol also i am capable of creating, out of a combination of the wool and milk from said sheep a composite human with a startling likeness to any world leader you care to mention, this creature is fully capable of acting as and appearing as a human being, whilst under my control, therefore with your sheep i could rule the world, HAHAHA, My Manifesto: I propose to: Legalise weed (appealing to the punters) indoctrinate all children into a frame of mind where modern societeties obsession with race/colour and creed are not present in their mind. provide free health care to anyone who is not earning so much money that they can go out and loose 1000000's and not notice (except in such countries as spain and italy, where a unit currency is worth absolutely nothing, where a higher figure, equivalent to that number in sterling, is exchanged for it) have compulsory comunity service, whereby people go out and paint grannies houses and plant public flowerbeds, etc. cancel military spending and sink vast sums of otherwise military funds into scientific research, primary subjects for said research are; alternative energy sources, alternative (and spontaneous/instant travel methods, destruction of congenetive diseases and cancers, destruction of AIDS, particularly focusing on third world countries, eg Africa, alternative housing. prevent extensive building onto green field sites, and instead utilise innercity brown site land for housing construction. prevent artificial pesticides, etc, being used on farm land, particularly focusing on oestrogenic compounds. Give every person in the world a small area of the moon promote third world (and first world) family planning investigate where the second world went increase public transport services make the sending of spam illegal um, suggestions anyone? im too tired to think about more. 010720 ... baby satan i bow before grendel! 010720 ... *Ziima* This is an original prose that i wrote to an ex boyfriend. I will substitue words to fit this occasion. --I'm not a mood for people today, and all i want is "a sheep"(you) and all i need is "a sheep"(you) so why do i sit here hungry and deprived of my "sheep"(life)? I'll tell you why cause your moms a bitch and is joining everyone else in the endeavor to drive me insane I'm not a nymph but damn I need to quench my desires. -- Um...ok...that sounded bad...yeah...it sucks..ohwell... Just give me my god damned sheep, ok? 010720 ... Dafremen Gendel - The power launching has been done before...try it with a hang glider and roller blades. However the TERMITE thing could be lucrative and THAT is impressive....TAKE A SHEEP!! (...as long as you agree to my being managing partner in this pest control venture..) 010721 ... Dafremen Sol, excellent if not somewhat overworked point. I believe that the OBJECTIVE reality of NOTHING can change through pure belief alone, but certainly belief in change is the first step toward enacting it. (Thanks for the casual break from the contest... : ) Now back to the heated competition!) 010721 ... Dafremen lil' demonic highness do0d, You almost had me impressed with your strong stand on ganji, but then the rest of that malarky started to sound like Gore saying "Education, Health Care and the Environment" over and over like a hypnotising machine while making that chopping motion into his palm with the mechanical elbow looking like he was in a breakin' movie in the 80's or something. It made me shudder. Very IMPRESSIVE take your f-in sheep and go replace Jeb Bush with it, oh and keep Gore out of office PLEASE! Find some nice middle of the road guy who doesn't always look like his suit doesn't fit (Bush) or like his body doesn't fit (Gore). Cmon do0d...I'm giving you a free f*cking SHEEP after all...what's one REAL leader instead of a boz0 and more bullsh*t?! Huh?! HUH?!! HUUUHH!?!!??!!!?@@!! (Ahhh...I feel much better, I've been holding that inside since those STo0PID elections. Thanks you for your kind indulgence your micro-satanic majesty) 010721 ... Dafremen Ok, I'm so bl0an that I misread that blather's author. (snatches sheep back from baby satan) Here you go Sol...sorry do0d...yea Get Jeb Bush out of Florida cuz Floridians got enough problems without that b.s. and keep that guy who invented the Internet out of office too. Those TWO things and I'll be indebted to you, maybe I can swing a second sheep.As opposed to swing WITH one...(hoots a udgmental, disapproving look at baby satan who has come riding in strapped to the BACK of his sheep) 010721 ... Dafremen Zima that was the most beautiful thing I have ever read, except for a bunch of other stuff that was more beautiful. I'm EXTREMELY impressed!!! Take YOU..uh oh...hold on a minute...we're out of sheep...there were only six. Sigh...guess the contest is over folx...enjoy the sheep...don't forget Grendel...think dead termites! "Po0terators: We get the job done in the end." (It's still rough I'm working on it do0d...sheesh!) THIS CONTEST IS CLOSED. FEEL FREE TO CONTINUE OR NOT AS YOU PLEASE. AFTER ALL BLATHER_IS_BLATHER. 010721 ... florescent light damn it, late again 010721 ... Aimee daffy... Should we start giving away dead monkeys? I've got plenty... 010721 ... *Ziima* Got any camels instead? If not, I have plenty of deer, donkey, and camels. Best part is that they're alive. We could give them out too. The stench is gettin to me...Summer is the worst. 010721 ... Dafremen The contest continues thanks to the kind benevloence of our sponsor: Aimee and her 200 dead monkeys. (1 wet, 1 frozen and 198 charred.) Plenty of prizes so keep those clever cards and letters comin folx. That's right, GET yer dead monkee now! Impress me. 010723 ... 020510 ... possessed angel Dafremen Crappy spelling does NOT impress me, dafremen...it only annoys me ....better luck in the future...NEXT!!! 010723 ... yoink you'd be surprised how much a sheep is like a woman. so soft and supple, who can resist entering a contest like this? in addition to that wonderful trait, a sheep is easy to store, you can broil it if you're hungry, it makes nice noises, it craps in little neat piles. i think i deserve a sheep just because i would make such good use of it. i also deserve a sheep because i once ate 650 pornography videos in one sitting. 010723 ... nocturnal at work I'd like to add my vote for yoink. if what he just said's not enough, he should get credit for complimenting me. thanks again, buddy. 010723 ... yoink no problem, buddy! thanks for the vote! 010723 ... Aimee daffy, that's 1 dead wet one and 2 dead frozen ones, and 197 dead charred monkeys... enjoy! 010723 ... Casey What about my ability to watch scrambled porn like it is normal? I can also take a stool and make people believe it is a dead deer. It worked in speech 010723 ... Gollum I think about sex in church 010723 ... burden Dafremen, I am your love child. 010724 ... TalviFatin I was working lastnight. Actually, it was this morning. around 2:30. When John, another overnight-graveyard-pantry relay-stocker-freight-person like me, started babbling about Vikings and viking bread, and gravy, and how the castles they had back then had "poop pits" and if he lived back then his Viking name would have been "John, the shit shoveler" cause he would be the loser who would have to shovel it out. It was sooo funny. He was overtired and talking about funny shit, my stomach hurt so bad. He also was acting kinda..femmy. His layout was for Fancy Feast the Cat food, and he was just makin stupid comments about it...gawd... ok i'm tired. 010724 ... Dafremen Yoink - You're right..I AM impressed. You win. Here. (Hands yoink a wet Aimee-pee soaked dead monkey.) Enjoy. Noc - Must you encourage them dear? Yoink again - You got yer dead monkey do0d...now am-scray before I sic DB on ya. Aimee - No maam..it WAS 1 dead wet one, 2 dead frozen ones, and 197 dead charred monkeys. Now it's just 2 dead frozen ones, and 197 dead charred monkeys. By the way...ANOTHER clever idea for getting rid of them Aimee...bra-vo. I'm impressed...TAKE A DEAD MONKEY! Casey - Although your talents certainly BORDER on the impressive, I would like to suggest that you: A) Get smarter friends and classmates(in particular your speech class associates) B) Figure out a way to record what your mind sees when you watch the scrambled porn. This would allow OTHER people to enjoy it as well and THAT would be impressive. You could call it...hmm...how aboooouutt......a DE-scrambler? (Because it would take the scramble out of the picture for everyone.)Good idea huh? No dead monkey for you...NEXT Gollum - Even the priest/minister/pastor thinks about sex in church. You're not alone. If you were a statue of a saint or something I might think differently, but you're not.........are you? burden - Which one? In any event, that's really a shame. I guess I've given you everything you need in life already so....no dead monkey for you...NEXT! TaliFavin - Nice blather...was that an entry? If it was I'm not impressed, although the image of some huge fat guy shoveling Fancy Feast into a pit full of crapping Vikings did force a strained smile to my face. (You'll have to excuse the fuzzy recollection of your blather..see I'm tired as sh*t too..) Hope you enjoyed the laugh with your co-worker, cuz that's all you'll be enjoying here. No dead monkey for you...NEXT! 010724 ... Teenage Jesus How about the Lord Gawd All-Mighty shooting five under to tie Satan- Lord of the Underworld on Sunday! 102, the temperature was; remember we are amatures- five under! A five under 67! That my friend is the score of a lifetime. (Dave shot a 116. He took one-hits all damn day long.) How about a frozen monkey- I want to put it in Dave's giant bong and see if he notices it. 010724 ... Aimee daffy.. i've already won a sheep in the initial prize round... I won't take a monkey, because someone else might like it more... *returns the dead monkey* 010724 ... Dafremen You...are GOOOOOOOOD. 010724 ... yummychuckle i don't have any reason to attempt to impress dafremen. Don't care too much what he thinks anymore. 010724 ... Teenage Jesus HELLO- Five under!! 010724 ... TalviFatin No, it wasnt an entry, Dafremen. 'Cause I dont want a dead monkey. I'd rather have a case of fleas. Wait, no. Mites. 010724 ... Dafremen Yummy - Nice try. I was almost impressed by your cool demeanor and equally well thought out delivery intended for maximum impact with minimal investment. Unfortunately I saw through it in about 14.752 seconds give or take a millisecond. NO DEAD MONKEY...NEXT!!! Teen Jesus - Pardon my absence, but then again you were kinda busy for ME during my brief Presbyterian stint so I figure we're even. It wasn't that I didn't find the story impressive T.J. indeed I did. A bit TOO impressive if you ask me. I mean we ARE talking the Lord Gawd Almighy and all, but....well you see my point. Now if you can VERIFY this with photographic evidence or somebody other than you, Satan or any of your relatives employees or subjects then I might be willing to reconsider. But you don't actually expect me to take YOUR word for it do you? Sorry man...NO DEAD MONKEY..NEXT!! TalviFatin - You copied my impress_me blathe blatantly and in full view of the entire blathering public. I AM MIGHTILY IMPRESSED WITH YOU...TAKE 2 MONKEYS. (They are all thoroughly infested with both lice AND mites) NEXT! 010724 ... yummychuckle DAMN YOU DAFREMEN!!!! i wanted that dead monkey. Hell, two would have been heaven. 010724 ... black-dyed gel product Neme R. Fad is quite a guy. He's the Blath Magazine "What, me blather?" guy. 010724 ... Teenage Jesus ok, ok...you're right. Why should you believe that score (five under is pretty freaking unbelievable.) So I'll give it another go from another angle (and plus next time I'll get some acceptable verification; yeah right, like I'll ever shoot five under again.) I love unconditionally until I'm screwed over at least five times. I figure folks deserve the benefit of the doubt. I let lots of people in during heavy traffic. I rescue spiders and other bugs from inside the house and turn them loose outside (my wifes idea.) I think Howard Stern is a moron, but ironically, Bob Edwards is a jerk to. I believe in good for goodness sake while recognizing *James Earl Jones Voice Here* "the power of the dark side." Uh-oh here I go from five a-clock in the mornin' til ten o'clock at nite- chris-ti-anity is stupid! Uh- click click player; chief say you have choice, death or Chi Chi. Let's see, gimme death chief. Ah, you choose death; OK- but first a little Chi Chi. These two Creetens `er playin' 3-D chess, and they play five games and they win the same number of games; how'd they do it? That's easy- they weren't playing each other. Hmm, that works; but it ain't right. Give me Cancer, I'll cough up the tumor and butter my bread with it! Ooops- 4:30 -Tah 010725 ... Dafremen Give the man his monkey good lord! I had no idea it was so bad T.J... honestly I didn't. (Thanks for dropping the whole 5 under line of crap, I'm glad you understand.) TAKE A DEAD MONKEY.(Only charred ones left...sorry. If you want variety, go Impress_TalviFatin he's got emus and wolf sh*t.) 010725 ... Dafremen P.S. Chi Chi is slang for Bazoinkas in Spanish. : ) P.P.S. Bazoinkas is slang for bo0bz. P.P.P.S. Bo0bz is slang for breasts. P.P.P.P.S. I think. I generally call them titties, so I'm not really sure. 010725 ... Aimee I am impressed with that last one daffy... take a dead monkey.... how many are we down to now? 010726 ... Dafremen Oh good lord girl I can hardly look at the damned things, let alone count them. You're kidding right? Let's just give em away til the pile's gone. I'm sure if you'd take all of the ones you earned we'd be out of them right now. (Hey if someone actually comes back and counts them we can say I left a few in my trunk from when you didn't accept yours. That should cover our asses at some unlikely date in the future should one of these hormonally doped(and dopally doped) freaks actually get MOTIVATED and count how many we gave away. If we give away too many, we'll say they were imports from some jungle fire in Sumatra or something. We didn't wanna disappoint our beloved blatherers. See how Daffy makes it easy do0d? Got the angles covered, cept the ones I don't and I'll cover those when and if I get to them. : ) ) 010726 ... TalviFatin *hands back the two flea/mite infested monkeys* Here I dont really need them. You can give them away if you run out. Oh, Daffy, btw, I'm a she. :) 010726 ... Aimee Daffy... I gave them to you so that I wouldn't have to deal with the smell anymore... I'm not taking them back... just hold a hankie to your face and go count them.. :) 010726 ... Anonymity The day's rolled on and unforgiving but my hope withstood the torment of constant failure. The next town approached on the horizon and I was sure that this would be the one that wouldn't dissapoint me and give me back my pride in humanity. In the evening I got a ticket while speeding away from that hell-hole. My search continued on despite the heavy toll that ticket had taken on my wallet. I wondered yet again how could I have been so nieve to start such a search in the first place. I truly wished that I had stayed where I belonged at that moment. But still, I made my way down the gravel roads toward the interstate and the next town. Throughout the last four weeks my trek had led me zig-zagging across three fourths of the United States with no luck. I lost faith in finding a place that wasn't the same as the last. I had searched in every direction in the country but still I found the same old shit but with a different name. I supposed only fools dream of what they can't have as I slipped ahead of the old Ford pick-up ahead of me. O'screw it all, im sick of writing, I can't remember why I even wanted your praise in the first place. *sighs* 010726 ... lost well daf, this is an impossible feet by the likes of me, as you know. well as of right now, a spot of bright sunlight has hit the shadow of my life. im moving in with the person i can say i truely love. i dont think i have ever been this happy(well you have to have been happy first to be the happiest you've ever been so never mind) this is the most i have ever consequativly(i know i didnt spell that right but i dont care) smiled. I dont think much can bring me down. im floatin on cloud 9. so you know what i have to say to you daf. thanks. i think. you've given me alot of advice and stuff. i also say screw you but only cuz thats what i say to everyone who gives me advice. peace, lost 010726 ... Dafremen TalviFatin - No RETURNS. That policy is final. P.S. I call unhinged do0d and he's a she...go figure. The ladies asked for non-gender based interaction. I aimed to please. Who woulda figured they were kidding? Anonymous - Your search is over. I'm not sure why you started out after this prize either, but HERE'S YOUR DEAD MONKEY! Enjoy. lost - I'm glad you're happy. Don't let her f*ck you in the eyehole kiddo, that's all I gotta say about that. Cept be safe and have a blast. Oh that and QUIT yer blind lashing out you vacuous dipsh*t. (Which is what I say to all of the teens who tell me to f*ck off after giving them advice.) Oh and take a dead monkey. It was apparently easier to earn than you thought. 010727 ... lost thanks daf. i take my dead monkey with pride. 010729 ... Sol hey, sorry i have not been around much. thnkyou for the sheep, it arrived by crossatlantic post today, the bax was a little small though, good thing it was a collapsable sheep, eh? I have set to work removing bush from power, shouildnt be too hard, in fact i could use a dead monkey, and simply switch them, i dont think anyone would notice until at least next election. so tell you what, if i get a monkey you can have bush, and various murder/torture implements, (take your pick) 010730 ... Dafremen 020510 ... possessed angel Ok well my $600 tax refund gets here in the mail in a couple of more weeks. Till then lay off the Dubya. By the way, PLEASE tell me yer gunna replace him with someone that isn't remeniscent of neither W. OR Gore OR Clinton OR Bush OR Reagan? I'd sure appreciate it and WHATEVER you do do0d(Heheh I just said doo-doo'ed)if it's a choice between Gore and W. just put the lil' shrimp back in the oval office. Gawd forbid we should have Albert the neo-socialist animatronic puppet running the place. (~shudders~) LEsser of two evils think LESSER of two evils...that's the one that wants to take the least amount AWAY from you. 010730 ... peyton One time, I met an angel. He saved me from a car accident, and carried me up a ravine. True story. Ask the three other people in the car that were saved the same way. 010730 ... Sol I was just saying, Daff, my job would be a lot easier if I had one of those mankey monkey corpses, i think it'd do a better job than ol' bush anyway. 010730 ... Aimee Daffy, I found something I find to be a source of hilarity... quite impressive.. see: Why_I_Hate_Aimee I personally was impressed mainly because this posting was partially written as an opinion, and also to try and hurt my ego... LMAO 010730 ... Dafremen I think we agree Sol. Let's just put Andy Taylor from Mayberry RFD in the White House. (Not Mattlock though...heavens no...not that...) I think he should do a pretty good job of keeping the Libs from getting stupidly liberal and the Conservatives from being too up tight. He should also be able to keep the Dems from going apesh*t increasing the size of the government while keeping the GOP from selling us out to the large corporate interests. Yep Andy Taylor for president...Floyd the Barber for Vice President. Should be the best administration in decades if not centuries. peyton - I'm glad that angel dipped down to scoop you out of the heap of sh*t you were in. Sounds like you've already received YOUR prize. Good story, NO DEAD MONKEY... Aimee - I am reading that after I type this. If it sucks I'll laugh. If it doesn't..I'll STILL probably laugh. 010730 ... Sol um, who? (is andy taylor) 010730 ... Teenage Jesus Andy Taylor was only the best Sherrif Mayberry ever had. Andy led by example...and he didn't need a gun; his badge was s symbol of the law that represented all of the folks in Mayberry- and that was enough. 010730 ... Sol riiiiight.......... being non american I dont think i get that at all, sorry, I have no idea where/what/when mayberry was/is, either, sorry. 010730 ... Dafremen Mayberry was a small fictional town somewhere in the state of (North?)Carolina. It was the setting for a black and white TV serial called The Andy Griffith Show. If you've heard of Ron Howard(Happy Days, Director of Splash and other films) he played a character(The Sheriff's son Opie) on that show. The thing that was so appealing about Andy Taylor as sheriff was that he didn't treat the law like it was one size fits all. He applied the laws fairly and he RARELY resorted to his authority as sheriff. His way was to convince people, talk to them, understand them and help them to understand each other. Andy used his badge like most parents would use corporal punishment, only when all else failed. Andy Griffith was not just a decent sheriff, and a decent American...he was a decent human being and a good leader. Guess truth ISN'T better than fiction after all. 010730 ... Teenage Jesus Yes- Andy knew that "you do a whole lot better if you go, not so much by the book, but by the heart." AND- Mayberry was based on Andy Griffith's actual home town of Mt Airy North Carolina. 010730 ... ButtHole Surfer You wouldn't be related to Tom Lykis? Would you? 010805 ... Dafremen No I would not. Are you related to dolphin-safe tuna by any stroke of fate? Oh and by the way...I haven't been impressed in a long while. Anyone care to step up to the plate? 010901 ... Gollum i collect high school girls, yes precious, high school girls, sealed in large vats of lime jello. 010901 ... Dafremen Now that's impressive. Dead munkee? Or fish? (stop eyballing my daughter. Put down the lime green color swatches dammit..right this instant.) So munkee or fish? 010902 ... Gollum we wanted a sheep, yes my precious, but we will take the fishie. Nice dead fishie. Nice, nice dafremen give smeagol tasty fishie. nice dafremen. we will not collect the nice hobbits daugher, no. nice fishie. 010902 ... Phil Ok this is it, I am hitting the low road, that's right. I am leaving this slum baby, bouncing outa town, shaking a leg by the door. So I am offering, as compensation for all the months...? of listening to my babble, my earthly body. I would like the judgment to be rash but fair. I want something with a little zing in it, maybe something sexy, but no S&M hardcore stuff. Not a lot of babble either, it has to be edited, and have a clear point behind it. I want it to be like the Star Spangled Banner, something that rests on the lips of babes, and I mean hot mommas, it has to be seen in the eyes of all who read it, a blather that gives a certain something to us, for what I am about to give to you. And oh yeah, it has to be about a billionzillion times better than this crock_o'_shit. So this is Phil signing off. 020207 ... phil everything I said, fits together like a puzzle. Goodnight. 020510 ... Dafremen Coming your way fat boy, but I´ve more than given my fair share of such zing-poppin´ fare as you describe. Surely what you offer is merely just compensation for a year spent trying to entertain the masses but instead spent wading through the accusatory rape of the vain, egotistical and close-minded. No indeed, Phil goodnight if you must, but a show I´ve earned and by gawd a show I will receive, one for one...even barter. If not from you, then by my own hand...hell we´re all the same sh*t anyhow...I´m as good to entertain me as you would probably be anyhow. Well Phil, I was almost impressed...but not sheep or munkEe impressed. Not by a long shot. see also: DAF_INDEX MEET_ROGER DAFREMEN 020510 ... phil It has no meaning Clouds like a dream So now I sit And missfire Like a burnt wire Bent on an ankle Hung from a tree All things free And nothing said Reality issues dread In my head my mind I see you see like me But we don't see Neither do for I fear In my years You will never hear The crystal tone I have rehearsed That will not negotiate Take a shortcut Or hit reverse. I fear for me Instead for you When dead I know what I'll do when Living no choice But to sell out. Convinced the tone Will always be There that it Cannot be sold Or dropped Or rip. And that I can Be telling Truth Without ringing through My words That is illusion. Just a mental mystery. But do not believe I believe that Things can be changed In this way. By saying goodnight And writing without a fight And letting go Of all I live In spite I say Goodnight For the pain The world Has brought For everyone Has sold out For not And rittled my brain With bullets instead. What excuse Will I use today I lose And hit the hay. Can I awake Now in my sleep To dream of dragons in smoke To bring a thing Which I can't explain That which must Be spoke It's clear To me These dribblings Represent Time unspent Best to my Abilities Which can only Regurgitate Directly. To be beyond Wish to see a Choice not given to me All my time spent Came and went As it chose to go For follow it Or fall And I followed it Straight into the fall So fall to dust Pheonix I trust No wait or debate No love or trump No high or speak No world I tried No child saved No issue resolved Not overcome Compare and contrast My life evolved Without lies Unseen. (if any truth can be found, a truth, that cannot be seen another way, a truth that will forever stay, a truth that does not bleed into other dimensions in reality, a truth that uses every part of your being) Shakespeare Changed the plays Everyone knew Using pantameter Making his version Stick like super glue Cheap trick End of an age. Daffy, what edge is all this? 020510 020510 ... possessed angel Fuck you Dafremen. Give me a monkey, you owe my dead love. 020510 ... . . 020517 ... Dafremen It was good. A munkee you have coming to you. It wasn't great, but good. What impressed me was it's sheer size. It was long and long I like, long and not overly redundant. That's good too. Now if it had been coherent...I might have been impressed by content...but as it is, like I said, it's certainly worth a munkeE. Unfortunately I'm all out...take a rain-chimp? 020623 ... possessed angel Ah fair Dafremen, I shall accept your Gracious offering, but I must ask that You reward me thrice the prize you say I've Earned. I do not mean to be unthankful And you rain-chimp will sufice my needs quite Well. I simply ask you in the name of Kindness, let me have but three of thine sweet Monkees. I would endevor to earn them, In all ways if thou so choose as to grant Me this small favor, my lord, Dafremen. 020624 ... possessed angel ... A formal request in as near as I can scrawl out iambic pantameter. 020624 ... Dafremen Ok now THAT was impressive...but the title is Grand High Lord Roger_Dafremen or The Daffy of the Lake. Your wish is granted...take not one, not two, not three...but 4 dead munkeEz from my personal stash. I warn you though, they've all been hit with a twist of lime and lightly salted. You may now kiss our ring if you wish, our ample tushy also needs kicking...your choice...surprise me. 020624 ... yoink i don't know where my aimee pee soaked monkey went, but i don't care anymore, i have an old oil filter that has been treating me well 020624 ... Dafremen Crap! THAT'S what that smell is! The oil! I forgot to change the oil! (For a month and a half he's been smelling fresh blacktop odors wherever he went.) 020927 ... phil Your eyes lock onto my soul like a tractor beam. Going on alert I am sent into a state of melting lock down as my heart swirls down and pools on the floor. Watching you stalk through my door with a large smile and wrinkles of joy on your tanny brow. Each hair on your body sizzling. My stomach churns and palms sweat as you approach. Your strong forearms tear me from the ground and I am pressed into your heaving torso and strong biceps. Your rugged lips carressing my sensual skin. Your burning hips pressing me as I stumble and try to remain on all fours. My mind flutters as climaxes span through my naked chasm. And look up at your image, mapping each feature like a bold adventure. 040104 ... padoras luxury skybox phil and daffy as lovers? i guess that would explain much of the pent up hostility. 040104 ... Minerva dafremen... can eternity be wrapped into one single solitary moment? could time possibly be that still? 040104 ... Minerva Dafremen... Can eternity be wrapped into one single solitary moment? Can time possibly be that still???? 040104 ... Minerva Dafremen... Can eternity be wrapped into one single solitary moment? Can time possibly be that still???? 040104 ... Minerva Dafremen... Can eternity be wrapped into one single solitary moment? Can time possibly be that still???? 040104 ... Minerva Dafremen... Can eternity be wrapped into one single solitary moment? Can time possibly be that still???? 040104 ... Minerva Dafremen... Can eternity be wrapped into one single solitary moment? Can time possibly be that still???? 040104 ... pipey hehehe *steals a sheep and rides into the sunset* 040105 ... smurfus rex I named my siamese fighting fish after you. 040105 ... peyton i still think it should be a rite of passage to impress dafremen 050810 ... Samekh 7 is a holy number. Why post it 6 times? 050811 what's it to you? who go blather from