impress_dafremen
Dafremen
Successful entries will be judged by me and OPTIONALLY by unhinged who is just as unlikely to be impressed by anything remotely blase'.

One blather sheep to each successful entrant. Sheep are assigned on a first come first serve basis. No substitutions will be made, offer while supplies last.

Now go ahead...
impress me
010717
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whoremaster fuck you 010717
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Dafremen Nice......go pick yer sheep. Next! 010717
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his sexcellence i can turn your penis into an artificial oven mitt. observe:

::: spontaneously turns dafremen's penis into an artificial oven mitt :::

don't expect it back to the way it was anytime soon, though.
010717
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flippo i can dance on my own teeth
it makes a tap dance sorta sound
010717
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Dafremen Oven mitts and my penis are both EXTREMELY blase'...NEXT! 010717
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Dafremen Tap dancing is extremely cool. No matter what the other kids told you when you were growing up flippo.

However putting your shoes in your mouth is, well, gross do0d. No blather_sheep for you either I'm afraid.

Next!
010717
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unhinged how did i get dragged into this giving out of sheep? 010717
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Dafremen Oh...I'll give out the sheep do0d..you just catch any entries that I miss and decide whether or not you're particularly impressed.(I trust you to be perfectly unimpressed by all but the most impressive of impressers.)

I sure appreciate the help!
: )
010717
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Aimee Daffy!!! what about my monkeys??? is that impressive? 010717
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Dafremen Indeed it was Aimee.....TAKE A SHEEP!! 010718
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Aimee kick ass *picks a cute and fluffy sheep* 010718
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Dafremen Another satisfied contestant.

Anyone else? Cmon...impress me...I dare ya!
010718
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Weed Eater A snake crawled up my ass while I was shitting in the woods. That was twelve years ago, and it is still in me, man. It eats all my food. The doctor says I have malnutrition. The only food my body gets must be shat out by the snake.
They can't kill or remove Rose-Petal, that's his name, or else I'll die!

Our symbiotic relationship is beautiful.
010718
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grendel i have prepared and eaten each of the recipes devised on baby_satan's_snack_tips and come through it without being any more damaged than i was to start with (and trust me, that was pretty damaged) 010718
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silentbob ive had my heart broken in the same situation and i'll always come back for more 010718
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dB Bob, that's kinda a given isn't it. I move that Bobs last comment be removed from the slate of history. 010718
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baby satan i second that. 010718
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phil Sort of, tilts his head slightly. An hour later it tilts foreward. Time drags the head slowly over the decaying body. It reaches the floor and becomes seperated, bouncing violently down the stairs. 010719
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phil The mouth falls open with the final impact, a moo sound can be heard inside. 010719
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phil Wallpaper sheds slowly, from sun and moisture, falling slowly like petals on the moo skull. 010719
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Dafremen Weedeater - Letting a snake crawl up your ass does NOT impress me. It causes me to pity you and want very much for you not to procreate. However living up such a moron's ass for 12 years is QUITE impressive. Rose-Petal...TAKE A SHEEP!(Might I suggest number 666? 4 and 1 are taken.)
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Gendel - I looked at baby_satan's_snack_tips and a shudder ran through my entire body. Normally I would find the performance of an act which I am unable to perform myself to be very impressive. However in this case I find it revolting. Fortunately his Sockroda Popper has baking soda which should calm the inevitable heartburn. No sheep...NEXT!
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S'Bob - I am suprised. I expected more from you. Perhaps that is MY failing and not yours. Returning for more heartache is akin to hitting yourself repeatedly in the head with a hammer. It may be fun to watch you do it, but it's NOT impressive. No sheep Bob, sorry...NEXT!
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Phil - NOW THAT'S MORE LIKE IT! TAKE A SHEEP!!
010719
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| ) [: // ( ) /| Phack and Phil were up a hill to find a sheep with character Phack fell down on concrete ground and one sheep hollered in laughter Phil maced the sheep's 8} funny face and clubbed his head with a splatter The sheep fell down so Phack went to town on the poor synical bastard 010720
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Dafremen If only you HADN'T resorted to someone ELSE'S Nursery rhyme as the basis of your BRILLIANT piece.

Impressed? No not really. You've ALWAYS impressed me as a Nursery Thyme kind of person. No sheep...NEXT!!!!
010720
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gas powered grendel au contraire, the baking soda from the sockroda poppers in combination with some of the other chemicals acted more like the effect that alka_seltzer has on pigeons

on an interesting side note, however the resulting flatulence has melted my upholstery, killed the termites in my walls and if i stand on my roof, drop my pants and grab my ankles, i can power_launch myself across distances of up to seven miles

now come, on, if that's not sufficiently impressive, i don't know what is
010720
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Sol Is the sheep real due to a belief in said animal? can it exist only on the premise that it is described as doing so? If i describe to you, as a real item, something i know to be untrue, does it have any form of existance? if you believe it to be true can it be true existing in your perception? 010720
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Sol also i am capable of creating, out of a combination of the wool and milk from said sheep a composite human with a startling likeness to any world leader you care to mention, this creature is fully capable of acting as and appearing as a human being, whilst under my control, therefore with your sheep i could rule the world, HAHAHA,

My Manifesto:

I propose to:

Legalise weed (appealing to the punters)

indoctrinate all children into a frame of mind where modern societeties obsession with race/colour and creed are not present in their mind.

provide free health care to anyone who is not earning so much money that they can go out and loose 1000000's and not notice (except in such countries as spain and italy, where a unit currency is worth absolutely nothing, where a higher figure, equivalent to that number in sterling, is exchanged for it)

have compulsory comunity service, whereby people go out and paint grannies houses and plant public flowerbeds, etc.

cancel military spending and sink vast sums of otherwise military funds into scientific research, primary subjects for said research are; alternative energy sources, alternative (and spontaneous/instant travel methods, destruction of congenetive diseases and cancers, destruction of AIDS, particularly focusing on third world countries, eg Africa, alternative housing.

prevent extensive building onto green field sites, and instead utilise innercity brown site land for housing construction.

prevent artificial pesticides, etc, being used on farm land, particularly focusing on oestrogenic compounds.

Give every person in the world a small area of the moon

promote third world (and first world) family planning

investigate where the second world went

increase public transport services

make the sending of spam illegal

um, suggestions anyone? im too tired to think about more.
010720
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baby satan i bow before grendel! 010720
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*Ziima* This is an original prose that i wrote to an ex boyfriend. I will substitue words to fit this occasion.

--I'm not a mood for people today, and all i want is "a sheep"(you) and all i need is "a sheep"(you) so why do i sit here hungry and deprived of my "sheep"(life)? I'll tell you why cause your moms a bitch and is joining everyone else in the endeavor to drive me insane I'm not a nymph but damn I need to quench my desires. --

Um...ok...that sounded bad...yeah...it sucks..ohwell...

Just give me my god damned sheep, ok?
010720
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Dafremen Gendel - The power launching has been done before...try it with a hang glider and roller blades. However the TERMITE thing could be lucrative and THAT is impressive....TAKE A SHEEP!!
(...as long as you agree to my being managing partner in this pest control venture..)
010721
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Dafremen Sol, excellent if not somewhat overworked point. I believe that the OBJECTIVE reality of NOTHING can change through pure belief alone, but certainly belief in change is the first step toward enacting it.
(Thanks for the casual break from the contest... : ) Now back to the heated competition!)
010721
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Dafremen lil' demonic highness do0d,

You almost had me impressed with your strong stand on ganji, but then the rest of that malarky started to sound like Gore saying "Education, Health Care and the Environment" over and over like a hypnotising machine while making that chopping motion into his palm with the mechanical elbow looking like he was in a breakin' movie in the 80's or something. It made me shudder. Very IMPRESSIVE take your f-in sheep and go replace Jeb Bush with it, oh and keep Gore out of office PLEASE! Find some nice middle of the road guy who doesn't always look like his suit doesn't fit (Bush) or like his body doesn't fit (Gore). Cmon do0d...I'm giving you a free f*cking SHEEP after all...what's one REAL leader instead of a boz0 and more bullsh*t?! Huh?! HUH?!! HUUUHH!?!!??!!!?@@!!

(Ahhh...I feel much better, I've been holding that inside since those STo0PID elections. Thanks you for your kind indulgence your micro-satanic majesty)
010721
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Dafremen Ok, I'm so bl0an that I misread that blather's author.
(snatches sheep back from baby satan)

Here you go Sol...sorry do0d...yea Get Jeb Bush out of Florida cuz Floridians got enough problems without that b.s. and keep that guy who invented the Internet out of office too. Those TWO things and I'll be indebted to you, maybe I can swing a second sheep.As opposed to swing WITH one...(hoots a udgmental, disapproving look at baby satan who has come riding in strapped to the BACK of his sheep)
010721
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Dafremen Zima that was the most beautiful thing I have ever read, except for a bunch of other stuff that was more beautiful. I'm EXTREMELY impressed!!! Take YOU..uh oh...hold on a minute...we're out of sheep...there were only six. Sigh...guess the contest is over folx...enjoy the sheep...don't forget Grendel...think dead termites! "Po0terators: We get the job done in the end." (It's still rough I'm working on it do0d...sheesh!)

THIS CONTEST IS CLOSED.
FEEL FREE TO CONTINUE OR NOT AS YOU PLEASE.
AFTER ALL BLATHER_IS_BLATHER.
010721
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florescent light damn it, late again 010721
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Aimee daffy...
Should we start giving away dead monkeys? I've got plenty...
010721
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*Ziima* Got any camels instead? If not, I have plenty of deer, donkey, and camels. Best part is that they're alive. We could give them out too. The stench is gettin to me...Summer is the worst. 010721
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Dafremen The contest continues thanks to the kind benevloence of our sponsor: Aimee
and her 200 dead monkeys. (1 wet, 1 frozen and 198 charred.) Plenty of prizes so keep those clever cards and letters comin folx.

That's right, GET yer dead monkee now!

Impress me.
010723
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Dafremen Crappy spelling does NOT impress me, dafremen...it only annoys me ....better luck in the future...NEXT!!! 010723
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yoink you'd be surprised how much a sheep is like a woman. so soft and supple, who can resist entering a contest like this?
in addition to that wonderful trait, a sheep is easy to store, you can broil it if you're hungry, it makes nice noises, it craps in little neat piles.
i think i deserve a sheep just because i would make such good use of it. i also deserve a sheep because i once ate 650 pornography videos in one sitting.
010723
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nocturnal at work I'd like to add my vote for yoink. if what he just said's not enough, he should get credit for complimenting me. thanks again, buddy. 010723
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yoink no problem, buddy!
thanks for the vote!
010723
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Aimee daffy, that's 1 dead wet one and 2 dead frozen ones, and 197 dead charred monkeys... enjoy! 010723
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Casey What about my ability to watch scrambled porn like it is normal?

I can also take a stool and make people believe it is a dead deer. It worked in speech
010723
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Gollum I think about sex in church 010723
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burden Dafremen, I am your love child. 010724
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TalviFatin I was working lastnight. Actually, it was this morning. around 2:30. When John, another overnight-graveyard-pantry relay-stocker-freight-person like me, started babbling about Vikings and viking bread, and gravy, and how the castles they had back then had "poop pits" and if he lived back then his Viking name would have been "John, the shit shoveler" cause he would be the loser who would have to shovel it out. It was sooo funny. He was overtired and talking about funny shit, my stomach hurt so bad. He also was acting kinda..femmy. His layout was for Fancy Feast the Cat food, and he was just makin stupid comments about it...gawd...

ok i'm tired.
010724
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Dafremen Yoink - You're right..I AM impressed. You win. Here. (Hands yoink a wet Aimee-pee soaked dead monkey.) Enjoy.

Noc - Must you encourage them dear?

Yoink again - You got yer dead monkey do0d...now am-scray before I sic DB on ya.


Aimee - No maam..it WAS 1 dead wet one, 2 dead frozen ones, and 197 dead charred monkeys. Now it's just 2 dead frozen ones, and 197 dead charred monkeys. By the way...ANOTHER clever idea for getting rid of them Aimee...bra-vo. I'm impressed...TAKE A DEAD MONKEY!

Casey - Although your talents certainly BORDER on the impressive, I would like to suggest that you:
A) Get smarter friends and classmates(in particular your speech class associates)
B) Figure out a way to record what your mind sees when you watch the scrambled porn. This would allow OTHER people to enjoy it as well and THAT would be impressive. You could call it...hmm...how aboooouutt......a DE-scrambler? (Because it would take the scramble out of the picture for everyone.)Good idea huh?
No dead monkey for you...NEXT

Gollum - Even the priest/minister/pastor thinks about sex in church. You're not alone. If you were a statue of a saint or something I might think differently, but you're not.........are you?

burden - Which one? In any event, that's really a shame. I guess I've given you everything you need in life already so....no dead monkey for you...NEXT!

TaliFavin - Nice blather...was that an entry? If it was I'm not impressed, although the image of some huge fat guy shoveling Fancy Feast into a pit full of crapping Vikings did force a strained smile to my face. (You'll have to excuse the fuzzy recollection of your blather..see I'm tired as sh*t too..) Hope you enjoyed the laugh with your co-worker, cuz that's all you'll be enjoying here. No dead monkey for you...NEXT!
010724
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Teenage Jesus How about the Lord Gawd All-Mighty shooting five under to tie Satan- Lord of the Underworld on Sunday! 102, the temperature was; remember we are amatures- five under! A five under 67! That my friend is the score of a lifetime. (Dave shot a 116. He took one-hits all damn day long.)

How about a frozen monkey- I want to put it in Dave's giant bong and see if he notices it.
010724
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Aimee daffy.. i've already won a sheep in the initial prize round... I won't take a monkey, because someone else might like it more... *returns the dead monkey* 010724
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Dafremen You...are GOOOOOOOOD. 010724
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yummychuckle i don't have any reason to attempt to impress dafremen. Don't care too much what he thinks anymore. 010724
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Teenage Jesus HELLO- Five under!! 010724
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TalviFatin No, it wasnt an entry, Dafremen. 'Cause I dont want a dead monkey. I'd rather have a case of fleas. Wait, no. Mites. 010724
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Dafremen Yummy - Nice try. I was almost impressed by your cool demeanor and equally well thought out delivery intended for maximum impact with minimal investment. Unfortunately I saw through it in about 14.752 seconds give or take a millisecond. NO DEAD MONKEY...NEXT!!!

Teen Jesus - Pardon my absence, but then again you were kinda busy for ME during my brief Presbyterian stint so I figure we're even. It wasn't that I didn't find the story impressive T.J. indeed I did. A bit TOO impressive if you ask me. I mean we ARE talking the Lord Gawd Almighy and all, but....well you see my point. Now if you can VERIFY this with photographic evidence or somebody other than you, Satan or any of your relatives employees or subjects then I might be willing to reconsider. But you don't actually expect me to take YOUR word for it do you? Sorry man...NO DEAD MONKEY..NEXT!!

TalviFatin - You copied my impress_me blathe blatantly and in full view of the entire blathering public. I AM MIGHTILY IMPRESSED WITH YOU...TAKE 2 MONKEYS. (They are all thoroughly infested with both lice AND mites)

NEXT!
010724
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yummychuckle DAMN YOU DAFREMEN!!!!

i wanted that dead monkey. Hell, two would have been heaven.
010724
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black-dyed gel product Neme R. Fad is quite a guy. He's the Blath Magazine "What, me blather?" guy. 010724
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Teenage Jesus ok, ok...you're right. Why should you believe that score (five under is pretty freaking unbelievable.) So I'll give it another go from another angle (and plus next time I'll get some acceptable verification; yeah right, like I'll ever shoot five under again.)

I love unconditionally until I'm screwed over at least five times. I figure folks deserve the benefit of the doubt. I let lots of people in during heavy traffic. I rescue spiders and other bugs from inside the house and turn them loose outside (my wifes idea.) I think Howard Stern is a moron, but ironically, Bob Edwards is a jerk to. I believe in good for goodness sake while recognizing *James Earl Jones Voice Here* "the power of the dark side." Uh-oh here I go

from five a-clock in the mornin' til ten o'clock at nite- chris-ti-anity is stupid! Uh- click click player; chief say you have choice, death or Chi Chi. Let's see, gimme death chief. Ah, you choose death; OK- but first a little Chi Chi.

These two Creetens `er playin' 3-D chess, and they play five games and they win the same number of games; how'd they do it? That's easy- they weren't playing each other. Hmm, that works; but it ain't right.

Give me Cancer, I'll cough up the tumor and butter my bread with it!

Ooops- 4:30 -Tah
010725
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Dafremen Give the man his monkey good lord! I had no idea it was so bad T.J... honestly I didn't. (Thanks for dropping the whole 5 under line of crap, I'm glad you understand.) TAKE A DEAD MONKEY.(Only charred ones left...sorry. If you want variety, go Impress_TalviFatin he's got emus and wolf sh*t.) 010725
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Dafremen P.S. Chi Chi is slang for Bazoinkas in Spanish. : )

P.P.S. Bazoinkas is slang for bo0bz.

P.P.P.S. Bo0bz is slang for breasts.

P.P.P.P.S. I think. I generally call them titties, so I'm not really sure.
010725
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Aimee I am impressed with that last one daffy... take a dead monkey.... how many are we down to now? 010726
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Dafremen Oh good lord girl I can hardly look at the damned things, let alone count them. You're kidding right? Let's just give em away til the pile's gone. I'm sure if you'd take all of the ones you earned we'd be out of them right now.
(Hey if someone actually comes back and counts them we can say I left a few in my trunk from when you didn't accept yours. That should cover our asses at some unlikely date in the future should one of these hormonally doped(and dopally doped) freaks actually get MOTIVATED and count how many we gave away. If we give away too many, we'll say they were imports from some jungle fire in Sumatra or something. We didn't wanna disappoint our beloved blatherers. See how Daffy makes it easy do0d? Got the angles covered, cept the ones I don't and I'll cover those when and if I get to them. : ) )
010726
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TalviFatin *hands back the two flea/mite infested monkeys* Here I dont really need them. You can give them away if you run out.

Oh, Daffy, btw, I'm a she. :)
010726
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Aimee Daffy... I gave them to you so that I wouldn't have to deal with the smell anymore... I'm not taking them back... just hold a hankie to your face and go count them.. :) 010726
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Anonymity The day's rolled on and unforgiving but my hope withstood the torment of constant failure. The next town approached on the horizon and I was sure that this would be the one that wouldn't dissapoint me and give me back my pride in humanity.
In the evening I got a ticket while speeding away from that hell-hole. My search continued on despite the heavy toll that ticket had taken on my wallet. I wondered yet again how could I have been so nieve to start such a search in the first place. I truly wished that I had stayed where I belonged at that moment. But still, I made my way down the gravel roads toward the interstate and the next town.
Throughout the last four weeks my trek had led me zig-zagging across three fourths of the United States with no luck. I lost faith in finding a place that wasn't the same as the last. I had searched in every direction in the country but still I found the same old shit but with a different name. I supposed only fools dream of what they can't have as I slipped ahead of the old Ford pick-up ahead of me. O'screw it all, im sick of writing, I can't remember why I even wanted your praise in the first place. *sighs*
010726
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lost well daf, this is an impossible feet by the likes of me, as you know. well as of right now, a spot of bright sunlight has hit the shadow of my life. im moving in with the person i can say i truely love. i dont think i have ever been this happy(well you have to have been happy first to be the happiest you've ever been so never mind) this is the most i have ever consequativly(i know i didnt spell that right but i dont care) smiled. I dont think much can bring me down. im floatin on cloud 9. so you know what i have to say to you daf. thanks. i think. you've given me alot of advice and stuff. i also say screw you but only cuz thats what i say to everyone who gives me advice.
peace,
lost
010726
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Dafremen TalviFatin - No RETURNS. That policy is final. P.S. I call unhinged do0d and he's a she...go figure. The ladies asked for non-gender based interaction. I aimed to please. Who woulda figured they were kidding?

Anonymous - Your search is over. I'm not sure why you started out after this prize either, but HERE'S YOUR DEAD MONKEY! Enjoy.

lost - I'm glad you're happy. Don't let her f*ck you in the eyehole kiddo, that's all I gotta say about that. Cept be safe and have a blast. Oh that and QUIT yer blind lashing out you vacuous dipsh*t. (Which is what I say to all of the teens who tell me to f*ck off after giving them advice.) Oh and take a dead monkey. It was apparently easier to earn than you thought.
010727
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lost thanks daf. i take my dead monkey with pride. 010729
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Sol hey, sorry i have not been around much. thnkyou for the sheep, it arrived by crossatlantic post today, the bax was a little small though, good thing it was a collapsable sheep, eh? I have set to work removing bush from power, shouildnt be too hard, in fact i could use a dead monkey, and simply switch them, i dont think anyone would notice until at least next election. so tell you what, if i get a monkey you can have bush, and various murder/torture implements, (take your pick) 010730
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Dafremen Ok well my $600 tax refund gets here in the mail in a couple of more weeks. Till then lay off the Dubya. By the way, PLEASE tell me yer gunna replace him with someone that isn't remeniscent of neither W. OR Gore OR Clinton OR Bush OR Reagan? I'd sure appreciate it and WHATEVER you do do0d(Heheh I just said doo-doo'ed)if it's a choice between Gore and W. just put the lil' shrimp back in the oval office. Gawd forbid we should have Albert the neo-socialist animatronic puppet running the place. (~shudders~) LEsser of two evils think LESSER of two evils...that's the one that wants to take the least amount AWAY from you. 010730
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peyton One time, I met an angel.

He saved me from a car accident, and carried me up a ravine.

True story. Ask the three other people in the car that were saved the same way.
010730
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Sol I was just saying, Daff, my job would be a lot easier if I had one of those mankey monkey corpses, i think it'd do a better job than ol' bush anyway. 010730
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Aimee Daffy, I found something I find to be a source of hilarity... quite impressive.. see: Why_I_Hate_Aimee I personally was impressed mainly because this posting was partially written as an opinion, and also to try and hurt my ego... LMAO 010730
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Dafremen I think we agree Sol. Let's just put Andy Taylor from Mayberry RFD in the White House. (Not Mattlock though...heavens no...not that...)
I think he should do a pretty good job of keeping the Libs from getting stupidly liberal and the Conservatives from being too up tight. He should also be able to keep the Dems from going apesh*t increasing the size of the government while keeping the GOP from selling us out to the large corporate interests.

Yep Andy Taylor for president...Floyd the Barber for Vice President. Should be the best administration in decades if not centuries.

peyton - I'm glad that angel dipped down to scoop you out of the heap of sh*t you were in. Sounds like you've already received YOUR prize. Good story, NO DEAD MONKEY...

Aimee - I am reading that after I type this. If it sucks I'll laugh. If it doesn't..I'll STILL probably laugh.
010730
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Sol um, who? (is andy taylor) 010730
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Teenage Jesus Andy Taylor was only the best Sherrif Mayberry ever had. Andy led by example...and he didn't need a gun; his badge was s symbol of the law that represented all of the folks in Mayberry- and that was enough. 010730
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Sol riiiiight.......... being non american I dont think i get that at all, sorry, I have no idea where/what/when mayberry was/is, either, sorry. 010730
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Dafremen Mayberry was a small fictional town somewhere in the state of (North?)Carolina.

It was the setting for a black and white TV serial called The Andy Griffith Show. If you've heard of Ron Howard(Happy Days, Director of Splash and other films) he played a character(The Sheriff's son Opie) on that show. The thing that was so appealing about Andy Taylor as sheriff was that he didn't treat the law like it was one size fits all. He applied the laws fairly and he RARELY resorted to his authority as sheriff. His way was to convince people, talk to them, understand them and help them to understand each other. Andy used his badge like most parents would use corporal punishment, only when all else failed.

Andy Griffith was not just a decent sheriff, and a decent American...he was a decent human being and a good leader. Guess truth ISN'T better than fiction after all.
010730
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Teenage Jesus Yes-
Andy knew that "you do a whole lot better if you go, not so much by the book, but by the heart."

AND- Mayberry was based on Andy Griffith's actual home town of Mt Airy North Carolina.
010730
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ButtHole Surfer You wouldn't be related to Tom Lykis? Would you? 010805
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Dafremen No I would not. Are you related to dolphin-safe tuna by any stroke of fate?

Oh and by the way...I haven't been impressed in a long while. Anyone care to step up to the plate?
010901
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Gollum i collect high school girls, yes precious, high school girls, sealed in large vats of lime jello. 010901
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Dafremen Now that's impressive. Dead munkee? Or fish? (stop eyballing my daughter. Put down the lime green color swatches dammit..right this instant.)

So munkee or fish?
010902
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Gollum we wanted a sheep, yes my precious, but we will take the fishie. Nice dead fishie. Nice, nice dafremen give smeagol tasty fishie. nice dafremen. we will not collect the nice hobbits daugher, no. nice fishie. 010902
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Phil Ok this is it, I am hitting the low road, that's right. I am leaving this slum baby, bouncing outa town, shaking a leg by the door. So I am offering, as compensation for all the months...? of listening to my babble, my earthly body. I would like the judgment to be rash but fair. I want something with a little zing in it, maybe something sexy, but no S&M hardcore stuff. Not a lot of babble either, it has to be edited, and have a clear point behind it. I want it to be like the Star Spangled Banner, something that rests on the lips of babes, and I mean hot mommas, it has to be seen in the eyes of all who read it, a blather that gives a certain something to us, for what I am about to give to you.
And oh yeah, it has to be about a billionzillion times better than this crock_o'_shit. So this is Phil signing off.
020207
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phil everything I said, fits together like a puzzle. Goodnight. 020510
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Dafremen Coming your way fat boy, but Iīve more than given my fair share of such zing-poppinī fare as you describe. Surely what you offer is merely just compensation for a year spent trying to entertain the masses but instead spent wading through the accusatory rape of the vain, egotistical and close-minded. No indeed, Phil goodnight if you must, but a show Iīve earned and by gawd a show I will receive, one for one...even barter. If not from you, then by my own hand...hell weīre all the same sh*t anyhow...Iīm as good to entertain me as you would probably be anyhow. Well Phil, I was almost impressed...but not sheep or munkEe impressed. Not by a long shot.

see also:
DAF_INDEX
MEET_ROGER DAFREMEN
020510
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phil It has no meaning
Clouds like a dream
So now I sit
And missfire
Like a burnt wire
Bent on an ankle
Hung from a tree
All things free
And nothing said
Reality issues dread
In my head my mind
I see you see like me
But we don't see
Neither do for
I fear
In my years
You will never hear
The crystal tone
I have rehearsed
That will not negotiate
Take a shortcut
Or hit reverse.
I fear for me
Instead for you
When dead
I know what
I'll do when
Living no choice
But to sell out.
Convinced the tone
Will always be
There that it
Cannot be sold
Or dropped
Or rip.
And that I can
Be telling
Truth
Without ringing through
My words
That is illusion.
Just a mental mystery.
But do not believe
I believe that
Things can be changed
In this way.
By saying goodnight
And writing without a fight
And letting go
Of all I live
In spite I say
Goodnight
For the pain
The world
Has brought
For everyone
Has sold out
For not
And rittled my brain
With bullets instead.
What excuse
Will I use today
I lose
And hit the hay.
Can I awake
Now in my sleep
To dream of dragons in smoke
To bring a thing
Which I can't explain
That which must
Be spoke
It's clear
To me
These dribblings
Represent
Time unspent
Best to my
Abilities
Which can only
Regurgitate
Directly.
To be beyond
Wish to see a
Choice not given to me
All my time spent
Came and went
As it chose to go
For follow it
Or fall
And I followed it
Straight into the fall
So fall to dust
Pheonix I trust
No wait or debate
No love or trump
No high or speak
No world I tried
No child saved
No issue resolved
Not overcome
Compare and contrast
My life evolved
Without lies
Unseen.
(if any truth can be found, a truth, that cannot be seen another way, a truth that will forever stay, a truth that does not bleed into other dimensions in reality, a truth that uses every part of your being)
Shakespeare
Changed the plays
Everyone knew
Using pantameter
Making his version
Stick like super glue
Cheap trick
End of an age.

Daffy, what edge is all this?
020510
...
possessed angel impress_dafremen
Dafremen

Successful entries will be judged by me and
OPTIONALLY by unhinged who is just as
unlikely to be impressed by anything remotely
blase'.

One blather sheep to each successful entrant.
Sheep are assigned on a first come first serve
basis. No substitutions will be made, offer while
supplies last.

Now go ahead...
impress me
010717
...
whoremaster
fuck you
010717
...
Dafremen
Nice......go pick yer sheep. Next!
010717
...
his sexcellence
i can turn your penis into an artificial oven mitt.
observe:

::: spontaneously turns dafremen's penis into an
artificial oven mitt :::

don't expect it back to the way it was anytime
soon, though.
010717
...
flippo
i can dance on my own teeth
it makes a tap dance sorta sound
010717
...
Dafremen
Oven mitts and my penis are both EXTREMELY
blase'...NEXT!
010717
...
Dafremen
Tap dancing is extremely cool. No matter what
the other kids told you when you were growing
up flippo.

However putting your shoes in your mouth is,
well, gross do0d. No blather_sheep for you either
I'm afraid.

Next!
010717
...
unhinged
how did i get dragged into this giving out of
sheep?
010717
...
Dafremen
Oh...I'll give out the sheep do0d..you just catch
any entries that I miss and decide whether or not
you're particularly impressed.(I trust you to be
perfectly unimpressed by all but the most
impressive of impressers.)

I sure appreciate the help!
: )
010717
...
Aimee
Daffy!!! what about my monkeys??? is that
impressive?
010717
...
Dafremen
Indeed it was Aimee.....TAKE A SHEEP!!
010718
...
Aimee
kick ass *picks a cute and fluffy sheep*
010718
...
Dafremen
Another satisfied contestant.

Anyone else? Cmon...impress me...I dare ya!
010718
...
Weed Eater
A snake crawled up my ass while I was shitting in
the woods. That was twelve years ago, and it is
still in me, man. It eats all my food. The doctor
says I have malnutrition. The only food my body
gets must be shat out by the snake.
They can't kill or remove Rose-Petal, that's his
name, or else I'll die!

Our symbiotic relationship is beautiful.
010718
...
grendel
i have prepared and eaten each of the recipes
devised on baby_satan's_snack_tips and come
through it without being any more damaged than i
was to start with (and trust me, that was pretty
damaged)
010718
...
silentbob
ive had my heart broken in the same situation and
i'll always come back for more
010718
...
dB
Bob, that's kinda a given isn't it. I move that Bobs
last comment be removed from the slate of
history.
010718
...
baby satan
i second that.
010718
...
phil
Sort of, tilts his head slightly. An hour later it tilts
foreward. Time drags the head slowly over the
decaying body. It reaches the floor and becomes
seperated, bouncing violently down the stairs.
010719
...
phil
The mouth falls open with the final impact, a moo
sound can be heard inside.
010719
...
phil
Wallpaper sheds slowly, from sun and moisture,
falling slowly like petals on the moo skull.
010719
...
Dafremen
Weedeater - Letting a snake crawl up your ass
does NOT impress me. It causes me to pity you
and want very much for you not to procreate.
However living up such a moron's ass for 12
years is QUITE impressive. Rose-Petal...TAKE
A SHEEP!(Might I suggest number 666? 4 and 1
are taken.)
-
-
Gendel - I looked at baby_satan's_snack_tips
and a shudder ran through my entire body.
Normally I would find the performance of an act
which I am unable to perform myself to be very
impressive. However in this case I find it
revolting. Fortunately his Sockroda Popper has
baking soda which should calm the inevitable
heartburn. No sheep...NEXT!
-
-
S'Bob - I am suprised. I expected more from
you. Perhaps that is MY failing and not yours.
Returning for more heartache is akin to hitting
yourself repeatedly in the head with a hammer. It
may be fun to watch you do it, but it's NOT
impressive. No sheep Bob, sorry...NEXT!
-
-
Phil - NOW THAT'S MORE LIKE IT! TAKE
A SHEEP!!
010719
...
| ) [: // ( ) /|
Phack and Phil were up a hill to find a sheep with
character Phack fell down on concrete ground
and one sheep hollered in laughter Phil maced the
sheep's 8} funny face and clubbed his head with a
splatter The sheep fell down so Phack went to
town on the poor synical bastard
010720
...
Dafremen
If only you HADN'T resorted to someone
ELSE'S Nursery rhyme as the basis of your
BRILLIANT piece.

Impressed? No not really. You've ALWAYS
impressed me as a Nursery Thyme kind of
person. No sheep...NEXT!!!!
010720
...
gas powered grendel
au contraire, the baking soda from the sockroda
poppers in combination with some of the other
chemicals acted more like the effect that
alka_seltzer has on pigeons

on an interesting side note, however the resulting
flatulence has melted my upholstery, killed the
termites in my walls and if i stand on my roof,
drop my pants and grab my ankles, i can
power_launch myself across distances of up to
seven miles

now come, on, if that's not sufficiently impressive,
i don't know what is
010720
...
Sol
Is the sheep real due to a belief in said animal?
can it exist only on the premise that it is described
as doing so? If i describe to you, as a real item,
something i know to be untrue, does it have any
form of existance? if you believe it to be true can
it be true existing in your perception?
010720
...
Sol
also i am capable of creating, out of a
combination of the wool and milk from said sheep
a composite human with a startling likeness to any
world leader you care to mention, this creature is
fully capable of acting as and appearing as a
human being, whilst under my control, therefore
with your sheep i could rule the world,
HAHAHA,

My Manifesto:

I propose to:

Legalise weed (appealing to the punters)

indoctrinate all children into a frame of mind
where modern societeties obsession with
race/colour and creed are not present in their
mind.

provide free health care to anyone who is not
earning so much money that they can go out and
loose 1000000's and not notice (except in such
countries as spain and italy, where a unit currency
is worth absolutely nothing, where a higher figure,
equivalent to that number in sterling, is exchanged
for it)

have compulsory comunity service, whereby
people go out and paint grannies houses and plant
public flowerbeds, etc.

cancel military spending and sink vast sums of
otherwise military funds into scientific research,
primary subjects for said research are; alternative
energy sources, alternative (and
spontaneous/instant travel methods, destruction of
congenetive diseases and cancers, destruction of
AIDS, particularly focusing on third world
countries, eg Africa, alternative housing.

prevent extensive building onto green field sites,
and instead utilise innercity brown site land for
housing construction.

prevent artificial pesticides, etc, being used on
farm land, particularly focusing on oestrogenic
compounds.

Give every person in the world a small area of the
moon

promote third world (and first world) family
planning

investigate where the second world went

increase public transport services

make the sending of spam illegal

um, suggestions anyone? im too tired to think
about more.
010720
...
baby satan
i bow before grendel!
010720
...
*Ziima*
This is an original prose that i wrote to an ex
boyfriend. I will substitue words to fit this
occasion.

--I'm not a mood for people today, and all i want
is "a sheep"(you) and all i need is "a sheep"(you)
so why do i sit here hungry and deprived of my
"sheep"(life)? I'll tell you why cause your moms a
bitch and is joining everyone else in the endeavor
to drive me insane I'm not a nymph but damn I
need to quench my desires. --

Um...ok...that sounded bad...yeah...it
sucks..ohwell...

Just give me my god damned sheep, ok?
010720
...
Dafremen
Gendel - The power launching has been done
before...try it with a hang glider and roller blades.
However the TERMITE thing could be lucrative
and THAT is impressive....TAKE A SHEEP!!
(...as long as you agree to my being managing
partner in this pest control venture..)
010721
...
Dafremen
Sol, excellent if not somewhat overworked point.
I believe that the OBJECTIVE reality of
NOTHING can change through pure belief alone,
but certainly belief in change is the first step
toward enacting it.
(Thanks for the casual break from the contest... :
) Now back to the heated competition!)
010721
...
Dafremen
lil' demonic highness do0d,

You almost had me impressed with your strong
stand on ganji, but then the rest of that malarky
started to sound like Gore saying "Education,
Health Care and the Environment" over and over
like a hypnotising machine while making that
chopping motion into his palm with the mechanical
elbow looking like he was in a breakin' movie in
the 80's or something. It made me shudder. Very
IMPRESSIVE take your f-in sheep and go
replace Jeb Bush with it, oh and keep Gore out of
office PLEASE! Find some nice middle of the
road guy who doesn't always look like his suit
doesn't fit (Bush) or like his body doesn't fit
(Gore). Cmon do0d...I'm giving you a free
f*cking SHEEP after all...what's one REAL
leader instead of a boz0 and more bullsh*t?!
Huh?! HUH?!! HUUUHH!?!!??!!!?@@!!

(Ahhh...I feel much better, I've been holding that
inside since those STo0PID elections. Thanks
you for your kind indulgence your micro-satanic
majesty)
010721
...
Dafremen
Ok, I'm so bl0an that I misread that blather's
author.
(snatches sheep back from baby satan)

Here you go Sol...sorry do0d...yea Get Jeb Bush
out of Florida cuz Floridians got enough problems
without that b.s. and keep that guy who invented
the Internet out of office too. Those TWO things
and I'll be indebted to you, maybe I can swing a
second sheep.As opposed to swing WITH
one...(hoots a udgmental, disapproving look at
baby satan who has come riding in strapped to
the BACK of his sheep)
010721
...
Dafremen
Zima that was the most beautiful thing I have ever
read, except for a bunch of other stuff that was
more beautiful. I'm EXTREMELY impressed!!!
Take YOU..uh oh...hold on a minute...we're out
of sheep...there were only six. Sigh...guess the
contest is over folx...enjoy the sheep...don't forget
Grendel...think dead termites! "Po0terators: We
get the job done in the end." (It's still rough I'm
working on it do0d...sheesh!)

THIS CONTEST IS CLOSED.
FEEL FREE TO CONTINUE OR NOT AS
YOU PLEASE.
AFTER ALL BLATHER_IS_BLATHER.
010721
...
florescent light
damn it, late again
010721
...
Aimee
daffy...
Should we start giving away dead monkeys? I've
got plenty...
010721
...
*Ziima*
Got any camels instead? If not, I have plenty of
deer, donkey, and camels. Best part is that
they're alive. We could give them out too. The
stench is gettin to me...Summer is the worst.
010721
...
Dafremen
The contest continues thanks to the kind
benevloence of our sponsor: Aimee
and her 200 dead monkeys. (1 wet, 1 frozen and
198 charred.) Plenty of prizes so keep those
clever cards and letters comin folx.

That's right, GET yer dead monkee now!

Impress me.
010723
...
020510
...
possessed angel Dafremen
Crappy spelling does NOT impress me,
dafremen...it only annoys me ....better luck in the
future...NEXT!!!
010723
...
yoink
you'd be surprised how much a sheep is like a
woman. so soft and supple, who can resist
entering a contest like this?
in addition to that wonderful trait, a sheep is easy
to store, you can broil it if you're hungry, it makes
nice noises, it craps in little neat piles.
i think i deserve a sheep just because i would
make such good use of it. i also deserve a sheep
because i once ate 650 pornography videos in
one sitting.
010723
...
nocturnal at work
I'd like to add my vote for yoink. if what he just
said's not enough, he should get credit for
complimenting me. thanks again, buddy.
010723
...
yoink
no problem, buddy!
thanks for the vote!
010723
...
Aimee
daffy, that's 1 dead wet one and 2 dead frozen
ones, and 197 dead charred monkeys... enjoy!
010723
...
Casey
What about my ability to watch scrambled porn
like it is normal?

I can also take a stool and make people believe it
is a dead deer. It worked in speech
010723
...
Gollum
I think about sex in church
010723
...
burden
Dafremen, I am your love child.
010724
...
TalviFatin
I was working lastnight. Actually, it was this
morning. around 2:30. When John, another
overnight-graveyard-pantry
relay-stocker-freight-person like me, started
babbling about Vikings and viking bread, and
gravy, and how the castles they had back then
had "poop pits" and if he lived back then his
Viking name would have been "John, the shit
shoveler" cause he would be the loser who would
have to shovel it out. It was sooo funny. He was
overtired and talking about funny shit, my
stomach hurt so bad. He also was acting
kinda..femmy. His layout was for Fancy Feast the
Cat food, and he was just makin stupid comments
about it...gawd...

ok i'm tired.
010724
...
Dafremen
Yoink - You're right..I AM impressed. You win.
Here. (Hands yoink a wet Aimee-pee soaked
dead monkey.) Enjoy.

Noc - Must you encourage them dear?

Yoink again - You got yer dead monkey
do0d...now am-scray before I sic DB on ya.


Aimee - No maam..it WAS 1 dead wet one, 2
dead frozen ones, and 197 dead charred
monkeys. Now it's just 2 dead frozen ones, and
197 dead charred monkeys. By the
way...ANOTHER clever idea for getting rid of
them Aimee...bra-vo. I'm impressed...TAKE A
DEAD MONKEY!

Casey - Although your talents certainly BORDER
on the impressive, I would like to suggest that
you:
A) Get smarter friends and classmates(in
particular your speech class associates)
B) Figure out a way to record what your mind
sees when you watch the scrambled porn. This
would allow OTHER people to enjoy it as well
and THAT would be impressive. You could call
it...hmm...how aboooouutt......a DE-scrambler?
(Because it would take the scramble out of the
picture for everyone.)Good idea huh?
No dead monkey for you...NEXT

Gollum - Even the priest/minister/pastor thinks
about sex in church. You're not alone. If you
were a statue of a saint or something I might think
differently, but you're not.........are you?

burden - Which one? In any event, that's really a
shame. I guess I've given you everything you need
in life already so....no dead monkey for
you...NEXT!

TaliFavin - Nice blather...was that an entry? If it
was I'm not impressed, although the image of
some huge fat guy shoveling Fancy Feast into a
pit full of crapping Vikings did force a strained
smile to my face. (You'll have to excuse the fuzzy
recollection of your blather..see I'm tired as sh*t
too..) Hope you enjoyed the laugh with your
co-worker, cuz that's all you'll be enjoying here.
No dead monkey for you...NEXT!
010724
...
Teenage Jesus
How about the Lord Gawd All-Mighty shooting
five under to tie Satan- Lord of the Underworld
on Sunday! 102, the temperature was; remember
we are amatures- five under! A five under 67!
That my friend is the score of a lifetime. (Dave
shot a 116. He took one-hits all damn day long.)

How about a frozen monkey- I want to put it in
Dave's giant bong and see if he notices it.
010724
...
Aimee
daffy.. i've already won a sheep in the initial prize
round... I won't take a monkey, because
someone else might like it more... *returns the
dead monkey*
010724
...
Dafremen
You...are GOOOOOOOOD.
010724
...
yummychuckle
i don't have any reason to attempt to impress
dafremen. Don't care too much what he thinks
anymore.
010724
...
Teenage Jesus
HELLO- Five under!!
010724
...
TalviFatin
No, it wasnt an entry, Dafremen. 'Cause I dont
want a dead monkey. I'd rather have a case of
fleas. Wait, no. Mites.
010724
...
Dafremen
Yummy - Nice try. I was almost impressed by
your cool demeanor and equally well thought out
delivery intended for maximum impact with
minimal investment. Unfortunately I saw through it
in about 14.752 seconds give or take a
millisecond. NO DEAD MONKEY...NEXT!!!

Teen Jesus - Pardon my absence, but then again
you were kinda busy for ME during my brief
Presbyterian stint so I figure we're even. It wasn't
that I didn't find the story impressive T.J. indeed I
did. A bit TOO impressive if you ask me. I mean
we ARE talking the Lord Gawd Almighy and all,
but....well you see my point. Now if you can
VERIFY this with photographic evidence or
somebody other than you, Satan or any of your
relatives employees or subjects then I might be
willing to reconsider. But you don't actually
expect me to take YOUR word for it do you?
Sorry man...NO DEAD MONKEY..NEXT!!

TalviFatin - You copied my impress_me blathe
blatantly and in full view of the entire blathering
public. I AM MIGHTILY IMPRESSED WITH
YOU...TAKE 2 MONKEYS. (They are all
thoroughly infested with both lice AND mites)

NEXT!
010724
...
yummychuckle
DAMN YOU DAFREMEN!!!!

i wanted that dead monkey. Hell, two would have
been heaven.
010724
...
black-dyed gel product
Neme R. Fad is quite a guy. He's the Blath
Magazine "What, me blather?" guy.
010724
...
Teenage Jesus
ok, ok...you're right. Why should you believe that
score (five under is pretty freaking unbelievable.)
So I'll give it another go from another angle (and
plus next time I'll get some acceptable verification;
yeah right, like I'll ever shoot five under again.)

I love unconditionally until I'm screwed over at
least five times. I figure folks deserve the benefit
of the doubt. I let lots of people in during heavy
traffic. I rescue spiders and other bugs from inside
the house and turn them loose outside (my wifes
idea.) I think Howard Stern is a moron, but
ironically, Bob Edwards is a jerk to. I believe in
good for goodness sake while recognizing *James
Earl Jones Voice Here* "the power of the dark
side." Uh-oh here I go

from five a-clock in the mornin' til ten o'clock at
nite- chris-ti-anity is stupid! Uh- click click
player; chief say you have choice, death or Chi
Chi. Let's see, gimme death chief. Ah, you
choose death; OK- but first a little Chi Chi.

These two Creetens `er playin' 3-D chess, and
they play five games and they win the same
number of games; how'd they do it? That's easy-
they weren't playing each other. Hmm, that
works; but it ain't right.

Give me Cancer, I'll cough up the tumor and
butter my bread with it!

Ooops- 4:30 -Tah
010725
...
Dafremen
Give the man his monkey good lord! I had no
idea it was so bad T.J... honestly I didn't. (Thanks
for dropping the whole 5 under line of crap, I'm
glad you understand.) TAKE A DEAD
MONKEY.(Only charred ones left...sorry. If you
want variety, go Impress_TalviFatin he's got emus
and wolf sh*t.)
010725
...
Dafremen
P.S. Chi Chi is slang for Bazoinkas in Spanish. : )

P.P.S. Bazoinkas is slang for bo0bz.

P.P.P.S. Bo0bz is slang for breasts.

P.P.P.P.S. I think. I generally call them titties, so
I'm not really sure.
010725
...
Aimee
I am impressed with that last one daffy... take a
dead monkey.... how many are we down to now?
010726
...
Dafremen
Oh good lord girl I can hardly look at the damned
things, let alone count them. You're kidding right?
Let's just give em away til the pile's gone. I'm sure
if you'd take all of the ones you earned we'd be
out of them right now.
(Hey if someone actually comes back and counts
them we can say I left a few in my trunk from
when you didn't accept yours. That should cover
our asses at some unlikely date in the future
should one of these hormonally doped(and
dopally doped) freaks actually get MOTIVATED
and count how many we gave away. If we give
away too many, we'll say they were imports from
some jungle fire in Sumatra or something. We
didn't wanna disappoint our beloved blatherers.
See how Daffy makes it easy do0d? Got the
angles covered, cept the ones I don't and I'll
cover those when and if I get to them. : ) )
010726
...
TalviFatin
*hands back the two flea/mite infested monkeys*
Here I dont really need them. You can give them
away if you run out.

Oh, Daffy, btw, I'm a she. :)
010726
...
Aimee
Daffy... I gave them to you so that I wouldn't
have to deal with the smell anymore... I'm not
taking them back... just hold a hankie to your face
and go count them.. :)
010726
...
Anonymity
The day's rolled on and unforgiving but my hope
withstood the torment of constant failure. The
next town approached on the horizon and I was
sure that this would be the one that wouldn't
dissapoint me and give me back my pride in
humanity.
In the evening I got a ticket while speeding away
from that hell-hole. My search continued on
despite the heavy toll that ticket had taken on my
wallet. I wondered yet again how could I have
been so nieve to start such a search in the first
place. I truly wished that I had stayed where I
belonged at that moment. But still, I made my
way down the gravel roads toward the interstate
and the next town.
Throughout the last four weeks my trek had led
me zig-zagging across three fourths of the United
States with no luck. I lost faith in finding a place
that wasn't the same as the last. I had searched in
every direction in the country but still I found the
same old shit but with a different name. I
supposed only fools dream of what they can't
have as I slipped ahead of the old Ford pick-up
ahead of me. O'screw it all, im sick of writing, I
can't remember why I even wanted your praise in
the first place. *sighs*
010726
...
lost
well daf, this is an impossible feet by the likes of
me, as you know. well as of right now, a spot of
bright sunlight has hit the shadow of my life. im
moving in with the person i can say i truely love. i
dont think i have ever been this happy(well you
have to have been happy first to be the happiest
you've ever been so never mind) this is the most i
have ever consequativly(i know i didnt spell that
right but i dont care) smiled. I dont think much
can bring me down. im floatin on cloud 9. so you
know what i have to say to you daf. thanks. i
think. you've given me alot of advice and stuff. i
also say screw you but only cuz thats what i say
to everyone who gives me advice.
peace,
lost
010726
...
Dafremen
TalviFatin - No RETURNS. That policy is final.
P.S. I call unhinged do0d and he's a she...go
figure. The ladies asked for non-gender based
interaction. I aimed to please. Who woulda
figured they were kidding?

Anonymous - Your search is over. I'm not sure
why you started out after this prize either, but
HERE'S YOUR DEAD MONKEY! Enjoy.

lost - I'm glad you're happy. Don't let her f*ck
you in the eyehole kiddo, that's all I gotta say
about that. Cept be safe and have a blast. Oh that
and QUIT yer blind lashing out you vacuous
dipsh*t. (Which is what I say to all of the teens
who tell me to f*ck off after giving them advice.)
Oh and take a dead monkey. It was apparently
easier to earn than you thought.
010727
...
lost
thanks daf. i take my dead monkey with pride.
010729
...
Sol
hey, sorry i have not been around much. thnkyou
for the sheep, it arrived by crossatlantic post
today, the bax was a little small though, good
thing it was a collapsable sheep, eh? I have set to
work removing bush from power, shouildnt be
too hard, in fact i could use a dead monkey, and
simply switch them, i dont think anyone would
notice until at least next election. so tell you what,
if i get a monkey you can have bush, and various
murder/torture implements, (take your pick)
010730
...
Dafremen
020510
...
possessed angel Ok well my $600 tax refund gets here in the mail
in a couple of more weeks. Till then lay off the
Dubya. By the way, PLEASE tell me yer gunna
replace him with someone that isn't remeniscent of
neither W. OR Gore OR Clinton OR Bush OR
Reagan? I'd sure appreciate it and WHATEVER
you do do0d(Heheh I just said doo-doo'ed)if it's
a choice between Gore and W. just put the lil'
shrimp back in the oval office. Gawd forbid we
should have Albert the neo-socialist animatronic
puppet running the place. (~shudders~) LEsser of
two evils think LESSER of two evils...that's the
one that wants to take the least amount AWAY
from you.
010730
...
peyton
One time, I met an angel.

He saved me from a car accident, and carried me
up a ravine.

True story. Ask the three other people in the car
that were saved the same way.
010730
...
Sol
I was just saying, Daff, my job would be a lot
easier if I had one of those mankey monkey
corpses, i think it'd do a better job than ol' bush
anyway.
010730
...
Aimee
Daffy, I found something I find to be a source of
hilarity... quite impressive.. see:
Why_I_Hate_Aimee I personally was impressed
mainly because this posting was partially written
as an opinion, and also to try and hurt my ego...
LMAO
010730
...
Dafremen
I think we agree Sol. Let's just put Andy Taylor
from Mayberry RFD in the White House. (Not
Mattlock though...heavens no...not that...)
I think he should do a pretty good job of keeping
the Libs from getting stupidly liberal and the
Conservatives from being too up tight. He should
also be able to keep the Dems from going
apesh*t increasing the size of the government
while keeping the GOP from selling us out to the
large corporate interests.

Yep Andy Taylor for president...Floyd the
Barber for Vice President. Should be the best
administration in decades if not centuries.

peyton - I'm glad that angel dipped down to
scoop you out of the heap of sh*t you were in.
Sounds like you've already received YOUR
prize. Good story, NO DEAD MONKEY...

Aimee - I am reading that after I type this. If it
sucks I'll laugh. If it doesn't..I'll STILL probably
laugh.
010730
...
Sol
um, who? (is andy taylor)
010730
...
Teenage Jesus
Andy Taylor was only the best Sherrif Mayberry
ever had. Andy led by example...and he didn't
need a gun; his badge was s symbol of the law
that represented all of the folks in Mayberry- and
that was enough.
010730
...
Sol
riiiiight.......... being non american I dont think i get
that at all, sorry, I have no idea where/what/when
mayberry was/is, either, sorry.
010730
...
Dafremen
Mayberry was a small fictional town somewhere
in the state of (North?)Carolina.

It was the setting for a black and white TV serial
called The Andy Griffith Show. If you've heard of
Ron Howard(Happy Days, Director of Splash
and other films) he played a character(The
Sheriff's son Opie) on that show. The thing that
was so appealing about Andy Taylor as sheriff
was that he didn't treat the law like it was one size
fits all. He applied the laws fairly and he
RARELY resorted to his authority as sheriff. His
way was to convince people, talk to them,
understand them and help them to understand
each other. Andy used his badge like most
parents would use corporal punishment, only
when all else failed.

Andy Griffith was not just a decent sheriff, and a
decent American...he was a decent human being
and a good leader. Guess truth ISN'T better than
fiction after all.
010730
...
Teenage Jesus
Yes-
Andy knew that "you do a whole lot better if you
go, not so much by the book, but by the heart."

AND- Mayberry was based on Andy Griffith's
actual home town of Mt Airy North Carolina.
010730
...
ButtHole Surfer
You wouldn't be related to Tom Lykis? Would
you?
010805
...
Dafremen
No I would not. Are you related to dolphin-safe
tuna by any stroke of fate?

Oh and by the way...I haven't been impressed in
a long while. Anyone care to step up to the plate?
010901
...
Gollum
i collect high school girls, yes precious, high
school girls, sealed in large vats of lime jello.
010901
...
Dafremen
Now that's impressive. Dead munkee? Or fish?
(stop eyballing my daughter. Put down the lime
green color swatches dammit..right this instant.)

So munkee or fish?
010902
...
Gollum
we wanted a sheep, yes my precious, but we will
take the fishie. Nice dead fishie. Nice, nice
dafremen give smeagol tasty fishie. nice dafremen.
we will not collect the nice hobbits daugher, no.
nice fishie.
010902
...
Phil
Ok this is it, I am hitting the low road, that's right.
I am leaving this slum baby, bouncing outa town,
shaking a leg by the door. So I am offering, as
compensation for all the months...? of listening to
my babble, my earthly body. I would like the
judgment to be rash but fair. I want something
with a little zing in it, maybe something sexy, but
no S&M hardcore stuff. Not a lot of babble
either, it has to be edited, and have a clear point
behind it. I want it to be like the Star Spangled
Banner, something that rests on the lips of babes,
and I mean hot mommas, it has to be seen in the
eyes of all who read it, a blather that gives a
certain something to us, for what I am about to
give to you.
And oh yeah, it has to be about a billionzillion
times better than this crock_o'_shit. So this is Phil
signing off.
020207
...
phil
everything I said, fits together like a puzzle.
Goodnight.
020510
...
Dafremen
Coming your way fat boy, but Iīve more than
given my fair share of such zing-poppinī fare as
you describe. Surely what you offer is merely just
compensation for a year spent trying to entertain
the masses but instead spent wading through the
accusatory rape of the vain, egotistical and
close-minded. No indeed, Phil goodnight if you
must, but a show Iīve earned and by gawd a
show I will receive, one for one...even barter. If
not from you, then by my own hand...hell weīre
all the same sh*t anyhow...Iīm as good to
entertain me as you would probably be anyhow.
Well Phil, I was almost impressed...but not sheep
or munkEe impressed. Not by a long shot.

see also:
DAF_INDEX
MEET_ROGER DAFREMEN
020510
...
phil
It has no meaning
Clouds like a dream
So now I sit
And missfire
Like a burnt wire
Bent on an ankle
Hung from a tree
All things free
And nothing said
Reality issues dread
In my head my mind
I see you see like me
But we don't see
Neither do for
I fear
In my years
You will never hear
The crystal tone
I have rehearsed
That will not negotiate
Take a shortcut
Or hit reverse.
I fear for me
Instead for you
When dead
I know what
I'll do when
Living no choice
But to sell out.
Convinced the tone
Will always be
There that it
Cannot be sold
Or dropped
Or rip.
And that I can
Be telling
Truth
Without ringing through
My words
That is illusion.
Just a mental mystery.
But do not believe
I believe that
Things can be changed
In this way.
By saying goodnight
And writing without a fight
And letting go
Of all I live
In spite I say
Goodnight
For the pain
The world
Has brought
For everyone
Has sold out
For not
And rittled my brain
With bullets instead.
What excuse
Will I use today
I lose
And hit the hay.
Can I awake
Now in my sleep
To dream of dragons in smoke
To bring a thing
Which I can't explain
That which must
Be spoke
It's clear
To me
These dribblings
Represent
Time unspent
Best to my
Abilities
Which can only
Regurgitate
Directly.
To be beyond
Wish to see a
Choice not given to me
All my time spent
Came and went
As it chose to go
For follow it
Or fall
And I followed it
Straight into the fall
So fall to dust
Pheonix I trust
No wait or debate
No love or trump
No high or speak
No world I tried
No child saved
No issue resolved
Not overcome
Compare and contrast
My life evolved
Without lies
Unseen.
(if any truth can be found, a truth, that cannot be
seen another way, a truth that will forever stay, a
truth that does not bleed into other dimensions in
reality, a truth that uses every part of your being)
Shakespeare
Changed the plays
Everyone knew
Using pantameter
Making his version
Stick like super glue
Cheap trick
End of an age.

Daffy, what edge is all this?
020510
020510
...
possessed angel Fuck you Dafremen. Give me a monkey, you owe my dead love. 020510
...
. . 020517
...
Dafremen It was good. A munkee you have coming to you. It wasn't great, but good. What impressed me was it's sheer size. It was long and long I like, long and not overly redundant. That's good too. Now if it had been coherent...I might have been impressed by content...but as it is, like I said, it's certainly worth a munkeE. Unfortunately I'm all out...take a rain-chimp? 020623
...
possessed angel Ah fair Dafremen, I shall accept your
Gracious offering, but I must ask that
You reward me thrice the prize you say I've
Earned. I do not mean to be unthankful
And you rain-chimp will sufice my needs quite
Well. I simply ask you in the name of
Kindness, let me have but three of thine sweet
Monkees. I would endevor to earn them,
In all ways if thou so choose as to grant
Me this small favor, my lord, Dafremen.
020624
...
possessed angel ... A formal request in as near as I can scrawl out iambic pantameter. 020624
...
Dafremen Ok now THAT was impressive...but the title is Grand High Lord Roger_Dafremen or The Daffy of the Lake. Your wish is granted...take not one, not two, not three...but 4 dead munkeEz from my personal stash. I warn you though, they've all been hit with a twist of lime and lightly salted.

You may now kiss our ring if you wish, our ample tushy also needs kicking...your choice...surprise me.
020624
...
yoink i don't know where my aimee pee soaked monkey went, but i don't care anymore, i have an old oil filter that has been treating me well 020624
...
Dafremen Crap! THAT'S what that smell is! The oil! I forgot to change the oil!

(For a month and a half he's been smelling fresh blacktop odors wherever he went.)
020927
...
phil Your eyes lock onto my soul like a tractor beam.
Going on alert I am sent into a state of melting lock down as my heart swirls down and pools on the floor.
Watching you stalk through my door with a large smile and wrinkles of joy on your tanny brow.
Each hair on your body sizzling.
My stomach churns and palms sweat as you approach.
Your strong forearms tear me from the ground and I am pressed into your heaving torso and strong biceps.
Your rugged lips carressing my sensual skin.
Your burning hips pressing me as I stumble and try to remain on all fours.
My mind flutters as climaxes span through my naked chasm.
And look up at your image, mapping each feature like a bold adventure.
040104
...
padoras luxury skybox phil and daffy as lovers?

i guess that would explain much of the pent up hostility.
040104
...
Minerva dafremen...
can eternity be wrapped into one
single solitary moment? could time possibly be that still?
040104
...
Minerva Dafremen...
Can eternity be wrapped into one single solitary moment? Can time possibly be that still????
040104
...
Minerva Dafremen...
Can eternity be wrapped into one single solitary moment? Can time possibly be that still????
040104
...
Minerva Dafremen...
Can eternity be wrapped into one single solitary moment? Can time possibly be that still????
040104
...
Minerva Dafremen...
Can eternity be wrapped into one single solitary moment? Can time possibly be that still????
040104
...
Minerva Dafremen...
Can eternity be wrapped into one single solitary moment? Can time possibly be that still????
040104
...
pipey hehehe *steals a sheep and rides into the sunset* 040105
...
smurfus rex I named my siamese fighting fish after you. 040105
...
peyton i still think it should be a rite of passage

to impress dafremen
050810
...
Samekh 7 is a holy number.

Why post it 6 times?
050811
what's it to you?
who go
blather
from