im_so_angry unhinged it might be the weather. it might be what i've just discovered. maybe he meant it; maybe he means it with a lot of girls. i'm still alone. the more time that passes, the more reasons i feel to deny it was good. the words won't come out right of my brain. that's always a good clue. i can't get it out. it's stuck in there. i can't write it out. it's stuck. i want to break things. things that would tinkle as they broke. expensive things. i want to kick in his face for thinking that that would be okay (even though i let him think that would be okay). just kick the shit out of him. i'm not the only one. i never will be. things have a habit of not working out right for me. i want it out, this poison, this blackness. i want it out of me. i don't know how to get rid of it. it's stuck. even my new_ink still scabbed wasn't enough to get it out. i felt calm right afterwards and then yesterday even more anger had replaced what the ink took out of me. even if i was covered in ink, i'd still be angry. i can't eat. my stomach boils. i'm pissed right now. i want to kick in his face. but i don't want to be alone. did you break her heart too? i can't eat i can't sleep my hands shake it won't come out it's stuck 070415 ... unhinged and i have to do my goddamn taxes fuck_this_noise 070415 ... unhinged maybe i lied a little bit maybe i was a little mad at you too but i feel like i have no right to my anger i feel like i don't want to make things harder for you right now your own life having nothing to do with me is hard enough really hard in fact i just miss you i just want to talk to you and i don't get to which makes me doubt it all why i feel the way i do from all the way over here and he won't talk to me which is what i wanted but it still makes me angry i'm glad i committed to sit i think it's helping already 070417 ... stork daddy you always have a right to your anger. and especially when it's a probable and and socially appropriate reaction. i'm unfair and the situation is unfair. and i'm also bumbling. i'm unfair to myself as well however. this doesn't make me any more or less forgivable to some. and there's good and there's bad to almost everything. mistakes are something we were convinced to do at a time. and even things we can't give designation as mistakes to, often have a lamentable aspect to them. bittersweet. i am truly sorry. 070417 ... elliott smith "I don't think it'll ever pass and I was bad news for you just because I never meant to hurt you" 070417 ... unhinged i could bite a hole in my cheek 070423 ... unhinged men...disgusting vile liars. a vast majority of them. joseph_and_i my standing_sabotage thinks that if he spews meaningless platitudes at my direction with a smile that i'll roll over. i guess that's my fault though for rolling over the first time. even an apology would be meaningless to me now because i'm too angry to hear it. if you are so sorry why do you do this bullshit in the first place? oh_god i'm so tired of boys like him. when relationships are based on economics rather than emotions....well, i always get the short end with boys like that. he tried to sleep with me. he fed me whiskey. he gave me a ride home. too bad he had made mention of his wife the last time i saw him. disgusting...fucking disgusting. 'i've been married for twelve years. it can get boring after awhile if you know what i mean.' no, don't know what you mean. i've never been with someone for longer than three months. DISGUSTING. boys make me angry because i'm afraid i'll end up alone forever with choices like these ones. but i think i would rather be alone than be with someone who i have to nag all the time and/or wonder if he's going to stay faithful to me everytime i let him out of my sight. boys...they are so disgusting they make me want to spit. 070507 ... a nice boy thats not very nice 070507 ... unhinged i seem to be a magnet for not nice boys mostly i think i have a faulty boy magnet; 90% of the time it attracts assholes 070507 ... Lemon_Soda It is because they are arrogant. An arrogant man atleast knows who he is. There is something very attractive about a man who exudes the confidence of knowing who he is. WHAT he is rarely garners the precontemplation it deserves, however, and we fall in love despite how much of a bad idea it is. Then we get upset when they continue to act like the selves their so sure they are. We explode with anger and bewilderment when we find out that their confidence is missplaced, and thus ours. We wonder how they could possibly act that way doing what they do, and because we can't explain it we're still attracted to them. Never mind how they treat themselves or others(especially us) we're sure they know something or have something we don't so we stick around, waiting for the happiness or sense of worth that we've been looking for. But it is arrogance, not confidence. You will know him by the fruit of his labor. Look at what he does, not how he acts. 070508 ... unhinged anger is caused by fear so is arrogance and even though our fear might come from the same place the actions our fear creates are decidely different i'm still caught up in the trap of helping people that don't want to be helped. people that are so caught up in their own suffering that they will do and use anything to relieve it no matter who that hurts in the process. as long as their hurt is somehow mitigated, they are blinded to the fact that their methods are only temporary. that their methods are hurting others. and they don't care because even for some brief seconds they don't hurt so bad anymore. but people don't know unless you tell them. i can't expect people to know how they make me feel if i don't tell them. especially when my anger is easily mistaken for sarcasm, my pain for indifference, my silence for acceptance. i'm so afraid of being insensitive and hurtful that i don't know how to stick up for myself. how do you demand kindness from someone? that sounds...like any oxymoron to me. 070508 ... a nice boy my girl magnet is malfunctional. it attracts crazy and messed up girls. 070508 ... sab fuck this head and all who dwells within 070509 ... jane i forgot my phone at home my clothes are quite uncomfortable (physically and mentally) i feel like everyone can see up my skirt, the sandals are too cold for outside right now i just want to go home and die! 070510 ... Ouroboros I can't manage this viral disease in my body. I am jealous of my friend traveling and free. I live by the beach but haven't seen the water in weeks Everything is stupid 070511 ... jane everything IS stupid! god i just want my life back 070517 ... L. I could kick a puppy! 070517 ... ungreat because she's at your house, because you thought i wouldnt come by. because you act like theres no problem. because you pretend to care so you seem like a good boyfriend. because you betray me only when i start letting my guard down. every fucking time because i don't want to do this any more if i'm the only one getting hurt because if theres more in store for the future i don't see the point in going on. because i let myself really get attached. because i kinda fell in love with you even though i'm the only one doing the work here. because i don't exist when you're on the computer 90 percent of the time. because i don't exist. 080731 ... unhinged . 090216 ... unhinged damn; i don't want to go now that i know she'll be there. i don't have the physical or emotional energy to deal with people i don't like right now. 090217 ... unhinged if it makes you feel better go right ahead and put my nose in the shit me leaving you dredged up you petulant immature piece of shit 091017 ... unhinged . but now after all the shamatha there is a genuine_heart_of_sadness underneath i still love you i still worry that you_arent_ok 140611 what's it to you? who go blather from