idle_threats flexible didn't i purposely refrain from making you 'designated ambulance caller'? didn't i say that i didn't expect you to look after me? wasn't i emphatic enough that i was doing this under my own motivation and in no way shape or form did i feel it necessary for anyone else to ... care? i know that it could have put pressure on you, but i don't think it did. i don't think any one of us is the kind of person to apply or succumb to that type of pressure anyway. hell, it's like being fucking kate_moss, having to take others into account when making my own decisions. at the end of the day, you weren't the designated ambulance caller. i barely saw you the entire night, and while i don't completely understand your reasons for that and the rest, i accept it. but please don't go making idle threats, empty threats, like that you'll leave us alone entirely. it becomes tiresome. while i refuse to believe that your attitude is as pious as it seems, it does seem that you are burning your bridges. it just draws attention to the way that sometimes it comes across as holier_than_thou, and it doesn't go unnoticed. as for leaving us to it, would you like to see my ufo? i'm either slow on the uptake or i don't comprehend such double standards. whatever. nothing is ever permanent. everything_is_temporary. and most people don't make promises they can't, won't, keep. take care. 051002 ... flexible i don't know what your problem is. (hate me) you remember once, in more innocent times, when you worried that i knew everything about you, everything of you, that you were an open book to me? you remember that you fretted that i woulds no longer associate with you, no longer feel it necessary to feign interest, because i truly knew you? (no-one can ever really know anybody else.) i guess that just consolidates the fact that people change we've changed, dude! we keep running up that hill, and becoming stronger for it. i believe in crappy film quotes, fuckabees being a case in point. i believe in choice, free choice, freedom from pressure to choose. i believe in myself, i trust myself, though i don't know myself. i don't know your mind, but does that really matter? when minds are such fragile, fickle things anyway, does it matter if it's empathy, sympathy or even just ambivalence that i feel? holding onto nothing is impossible. holding out for something? now that takes faith, of a kind, trust, of a sort. requires a chance to be seized. bist du nicht risikofreudig?bist du nur risikobereit? i believe in the relevance of recent past (continuous past). ich fuehle mich so risikofreudig. because they pay off. have paid off. will continue to pay off. is this hope or belief? everyone i know goes away in the end. (but life's cyclic, right?) and you could have it all, my empire of dirt (dirty drugs, they say, not worth it for the damage they do. direct or indirect, either way you end up dead) i will let you down, i will make you hurt. (but ther's no such thing as guarantee, so it could go either way. i will keep myself, i would find a way. (this i can promise.) i feel for you. it's possible that in time i'll feel like you do, but at the moment, i can only feel toward you. what i'd give for one moment's clarity i can trust not to disappear. i love you, but this_is_where_i_stand. where i can't be articulate for myself, i'll let the lyrics do the talking. i look forward to a wake-up call, on one or both of our parts. soon. 051002 what's it to you? who go blather from