i_have_every_right_to_be_angry
kyree I do, you know?

Every damn right to be angry.


YOU led me on. And then never waited for me. Just upped and left. That really wasn't fair..

You words still exist. If you hadn't written them.. I wouldn't be able to come back to them.. and wonder what would have happened if I'd been ready for you the first time.


I'm really mad at you right now. For still existing long after you're gone.
050617
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a chaotic gift to idealism please continue 050617
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kyree There are way too many things to say. Even more things to scream.

There are a billion 'you's'. And I've gotten over the abondonment of each one. Being left behind is somewhat of a ritual, and I get it now. And it's okay. I move passed it. But for fucks sake. When will the blame cease?


I did not leave you! You left. me. okay?


And the damn staple gun stopped working.
050617
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kyree This day could not possibly become any longer. [Spoken just as it becomes longer.]

I'm going to wretch.
050617
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a chaotic gift to idealism so what if I left you, or he, or she, or it....? what then? 050617
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kyree Well haven't you already? 050617
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a chaotic gift to idealism personally, i have left no one. i have left my drive to avoid all emotional contact with another person and in this I have been left waiting. I will always wait.
Some have argued with me that, if you can not go on without someone then you are in some form of "love". well, i am more persistent than this. I prefer to wait. be it with true or false hopes.. I wait. I wait for she who is no longer in my presence and just may possibly never return to it. I still wait though. I find myself lacking.. incomplete if you will without this presence.. as i have for so many years I could easily slit my neck in the despair of not being with this presence but, ending it now leaves no chance what-so-ever of it returning to me.

I have not left. I have done the opposite. I have set myself in this chair to wait.
050617
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a chaotic gift to idealism sometimes, for some of us, we find it easier to wait elsewhere. to go on with life as one probably should, all in ones own good will towards their own life but, in a different place. this does not mean that they do not still wait. Even if one were to leave the company of a "had -been" loved one, [and "moved on", even to the point of finding a new loved one, seperating and being alone again, and once contact was made once more with the first loved one] still desired him/her and wanted them back, as well as got back with this person... all of that time would still be considered waiting. the heart was still there or it would have never gone back in the end.
.....for instance....

that was very hard to explain for some reason.....and i probably left alot out that i wanted to say.

mind aches... extreme mental exhaustion...

to be continued if needed
050617
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kyree well I'm not waiting. 050617
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a chaotic gift to idealism what exactly are you waiting for kyree? 050617
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kyree For it to all go away. So I don't have to sit here in this muddle. 050617
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a chaotic gift to idealism elaborate if you would be so kind. 050617
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jane it_will_haunt_me
it should haunt you
050618
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a chaotic gift to idealism nice note as, everything that has occured in my life haunts me in at least one way. 050618
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oldephebe That's my stale refrain, but my outrage and incendiary moral indignation gives the narcisstic/sadistic/control freak and her sheep just what they need. They will be undone by the absence of thier own reflection. They go looking for it in the misery they cause others. What will they do when all the noise stops and all they hear is the sound of thier rotted hearts lonely wail of misery?
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050619
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a chaotic gift to idealism i_have_every_right_to_be_angry. you left me here. you want me to go with you? so that i may watch upon you loving onto another man? so that i may drop what chances i have at a life, just to watch you fuck someone else? just to watch you drug yourself into a stupor? you doubted me. you thought i could be so heartless as to question you, judge you, doubt your words. you were wrong.
i am coming around to realizing this and i am VERY pissed off and i have every right to be.
what are you trying to do to me? why are you hurting me like this? why are you torturing me? why can you just be good to me, stop doing this to me?
i_have_every_right_to_be_angry because i love you and i accept this... i even beg for it.

i have to stop writting
stop writting
stop writting
stop writting
stop writting
stop writting
this is going to be the end of my sanity. i can feel it.
stop writting.
050619
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a chaotic gift to idealism ...and I am because I didn't follow. Where do I need to go? What is the address? 050619
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delial it's true...I do, yet instead of being angry, i feel sad, disappointed, left behind. again.

is there something missing in myself?
why can't I just be angry about things?

it'd be easier.
050619
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a chaotic gift to idealism you ruined that moment delial. i was so content lying to myself about being angry....too bad i didn't even come close to believing 050619
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a chaotic gift to idealism angsty teenager
it rings in my head
050621
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oldephebe hey there's nothing wrong with idealism

we begin to die when we lose it

uh...you have a heart and it is deeply clefted. You tied a ribbon bow around it and presented it it wassn't seen for the beautiful sound it made.

I was going to p[ost something all pragmatic here today. To rebut or chide myself for the wanton sentimentality of my more recent posts, but can you really BE human and be heartless? Sure you can be successful and prductive and strong and all of that but what the hell am I w/o my heart?

I need it.

I'd become a monster without it.

Nothing wrong with being idealistic, at least no to me
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050701
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andru235 right on, OE 050701
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oldephebe besides the fact that i am weakest when i am angry 050702
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andru235 anger is a false strength, indeed, substituting physically for what it steals mentally 050702
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reue when i drop all my other plans to come see you.
when a handfull of your friends randomly show up.
when you leave me sitting in the living room for over an hour while out back getting fucked up.
when you come in and say "I've seen that face before, you have no reason to be mad."

Damn....
050702
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reue 3 1/2 hours before you seem to care. wow... and now they're spending the night. lovely how you wanted me to come over this time, didn't you say that'd it could be just you and me for once?
bleh.
050703
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auburn I regret letting this conversation die on my end. 080819
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In_Bloom I do, I know and you probably want me to be
Still...
It's a pathetic gasp and then
080820
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minnesota_chris you don't have a right to be angry, there is no such right. 080821
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unhinged anger is poison. shoulder your responsibility and move on.




i didn't realize i was still waiting for him until i heard he'd moved on, had a kid, went back to school and such. i'd be really curious to talk to him now. wonder if he realized that our abrupt ending was better because we could still hold some good memories of each other that way. even weirder yet, that i'd been thinking about him lately anyways. not angry anymore, just lonely and sad. that i haven't had love like that since, even in it's fuckedupedness.
080821
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Syrope and so do you. you said you'd try. 080821
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dosquatch ... but I find, in the long run, it's usually better not to exercise that right. 080821
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