i_feel_cheated_by_everyone_i_know
kuffsleeve its a bit scary not knowing whether you are insane or not, and i am still wondering if this is all in my head, can you imagine what that feels like? i can't go to work with people that treat me like a fool because i will become one. 071112
...
unhinged everything swirling in my head
my heart trying to go outwards
when i see, feel
the sadness in others
a strange defect in me
always have wanted to help others first
instead of working on what
i should be



i used to send letters
voicemails
postings on messageboards
always sending outwards
love for others
'hey i miss you today'
'hey that show last night rocked my balls off'
'hey where are you?'
and eventually
when all i got in return was silence
i stopped
and not only did i keep the bad bottled up inside
but all my love too




and some that know me
might say that that's good
that i kept some for myself
but not really
doesn't work that way
the intention doesn't change
just because the intended don't give a fuck







do you ever think about me?
write poems about me?
think of dialing my number?
do you see something you have associated with me that reminds you of me?









i forgot how to follow through
when the anger
at what i felt like i let everyone else reduce me to
was nothing more than silence


(and a real hug takes both arms
wrapped around
hearts touching
for a couple more seconds than comfortable
because we both are alive
even when we would like to forget that fact
that those around us
also have hearts that bleed)

i remember when i used to make myself bleed for you
but_still
i_am_alone
petulant
self_indulgent
constricted
everything in me screaming
for just one curious investor
071112
...
:P make sure you sell your shares before they start printing money like it has no value! now, do you want a boomerang or a yo yo? 071112
...
yoink i read that about 5 times, unhinged

i think i can feel it right now
071112
...
unhinged when i crystallize my anger into words it feels good getting out of me

(hey yoink....what is up?)
071112
...
yoink not much, just enjoying the fact that i can wax poetic without being poetic

just saying weird shit instead of doing work

...and still in awe about this whole site and how i've been putting shit here for more than 6 years
071112
...
? Would you rather feel_known_by_everyone_you've_cheated? 071112
...
axis of weasel at some point, whether or not it is true now, it may come to pass that you will have, to some degree, in some way or another, been cheated by everyone you know.

but...

it will not happen all at once, and you will only truly realize it in hindsight.

by that point, whatever angst the realization causes you will be short-lived and then you will either merely shrug your shoulders, or even laugh your arse off.

in the meantime, having been there once or twice, i can relate.
071113
...
unhinged i think the only way to stop this is to keep sending out my love, unrecognized or not. to stop making choices that hurt people, especially myself.

i can think of a few people i've cheated. and i feel sorry for that. but the only thing to do now is keep going without the bad.

right intention
right speech
right action
right life
071113
...
minnesota_chris right turns, no need to stop 071211
...
unhinged .

tonglen


( oh the beautiful idealism of my pre_buddha days)
100601
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