i_am_crying
whisper_to_the_moon I am crying.
For what I can't do
For what can never happen
For what did happen
For what will happen
For what I said
For what I did
For how I am
For who I never was
For what I never did
For what you did
For what she did
For how I feel
For what I'm scared of
For how stupid I am
For my life

I need to cry sometimes
But I don't know what I need anymore
Cuz everytime I cry
I only feel worse.

I am crying. 		040627
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puredream God, sometimes I start reading something and remember writing it. Is this because I wish I had written it, or I actually have some memory of writing it?

These words aren't mine. But they're so close to being me... 		040707
...
love & hate I am crying,
for you
for me
for us
for the love we shared
for the love we have lost
for the me you forgot
for what could still be
for who you are
for the way i love you
for what i have lost
for the love i feel inside
for the distance we are apart
for the love which could be
for you not speaking to me
for you forgetting me
for us
for our love which still could be...
I love you Katie,
with all of my heart,
and its not just me that is crying
it is inside of me that yearns for you,
my heart is constantly bleeding,
constantly weeping for you and the love which we shared that still, which STILL could be... 		040708
...
pete i woke up with tears in my eyes, from my dreams_to_wake_to 040708
...
hatedbymom Because I_hate_my_mother and she hates me. 040708
...
spiffy and i can't stop. i need to stop so my dad doesn't see me. it's so hard. how can i force myself to stop crying. oh but he can't see me. stupid tears. stupid people. stupid uncaring, inconsiderate, not understanding, impatient, judgemental people. 040804
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kookaburra i am crying for myself
poor me
a failure already

i think that feeling sorry for yourself can be seen as compassion when you are viewing your life critically

i am looking at that girl sitting there having already set forth the ruin of her life and i feel sorry for her
i want to help her, she looks so lost 		040804
...
kx21 The_No_evil_Rule

Cry NO Evil... 		040804
...
globalfruitbat adn that's all i seem to do.

except, I dn't really cry any more. I well up and over flow, when i try to talk about something important (to me) something that is just hard to talk about, but it's not crying. just my body's reaction to intensity. and i can stop the welling usually pretty quickly.

But actual crying? the last time I did that was in february, after James broke up with me. The problem with fallin in lvoe for real is that your heart breaks for real when it goes away.

And I used to really cry all the time. I just don't any more. 		040804
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:) Talk NO Evil... 040804
...
Borealis nope...
no crying...

not for something I refused to allow myself to believe.

never for a dream. 		040805
...
pete as i biked home from work last night it hit me. trish peters is dead.

i didn't know her past from the few classes we shared when the bundled the last of the OACs with the first of the graduating grade 12s, as the AU president, and as my (though i didn't vote for her) valdictorian (or however it is properly spelt) at the graduation/commencement ceremonies in september.

she had cancer, a few times. somewhere inside of me i didn't think she would live. i knew she couldn't fight it. on the outside i sincerly, well as sincer as i could with my hidden knowledge, hoped that in the thirteen or so years since i lost my brother and grandfather to cancer that some advancements had been made.

well i guess some had. she was 19 or 20 (most likely 20), and he was 12. she had those eight extra years. those countless more experiences.

she almost didn't make it to grad, because of the chemo she was going through.

and as i said, i really didnt know her that well. we weren't hostile to one another, and were friendly. i went to her after party when grad was over. i knew her boyfriend (that is, her boyfriend of my last year of highschool) since grade 7.

but trish peters is dead. she died sometime in the past week and was buried tuesday.

i found out tuesday.

and it didn't sink in until last night, as i biked home with that bundle of grief in my throat and the tears that were kept from falling only by the wind in my eyes as i flew through the city, striving to arrive at my house beyond the experimental farm.

there i could talk.

or so i told my self, but really, there was, is, no one to talk to.

trish peters is dead. 		040806
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eklektic my boyfriend told me he didn't love me anymore last night and said that we needed a break.

he said that he felt distant and felt like i didn't care.

hmm... 		040807
what's it to you?
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