Bespeckled Hey blather and blatherskites.

The year is 2014 and I am blathering for the first time ever on a smart phone. How time flies.

I have apparently been summoned back to these blue (and red) depths again today. And I'm wondering how you're all doing.

So how goes it, blather? What's new? I've missed you.
flowerock I'm relatively new here, happy to see people return to this place. I really like it here. so hello and welcome back! 140825
epitome of incomprehensibility I got a master's degree in English, which apparently qualifies me for tutoring high school math a few hours a week.

I got hired and fired somewhere else, got slightly published, indirectly dumped, directly defriended, round-about-ly friended, adverbly invented, and here I am.
leif I got a Diploma in Technical Theatre after abandoning my Psychology BA a year away from completion.

I married a sweet man I wasn't meant to be with. I am now divorced.

I work in a nonstop theatrical blizzard of awesome. And I am one signature away from marrying a clever woman from the United States.

We always come back. Welcome.

Bespeckled Ah I could tell you didn't come here as "leif" by your writing, but didn't know who you (previously) were.

I graduated college in 2007, got married in 2012 and am working for a startup in the Boston area. I live with my wonderful husband and adorable puppy.

I have settled down a lot emotionally since my angsty, obsessed-with-love-and-sex days (poured out in various places on blather and blather red, but am still (more often than not) prone to outbursts of emotionally-charged singing, swooning, shouting, crying and dancing.
z life continues apace. i am older now. i know this because the subjective rate in which time passes is faster than it used to be. blur, a week, blurr blurr, a month. blurrr blurrr blurrr, a year. and i am still a little boy. how to slow down the headlong lunge toward nothing? i ask, because i don't know. 140828
e_o_i Well, now you're getting me all existential... is it possible or even desirable to slow down our perception of time? I know I feel that time goes by faster than it used to simply because I've lived longer; that makes sense and seems common.

When it bothers me is when I feel I haven't done anything, that I've been stuck in one place too long. What helps me is talking to people and finding multiple perspectives. One of my long-standing complaints with the universe is that people are only their own selves and can't share minds. I get tired of myself sometimes. Another thing that makes life seem fuller - wider rather than longer or shorter - is immersing myself in creative activity.

The problem is, right now I'm (too?) worried about making enough money, and that isn't connecting very well to my writing. I've been writing a couple of anonymous travel articles, and declined to write essays that students could pass off as their own (apparently_I_have_standards).

Topic change. Recirculation. On the blathe linked above Daf made an interesting point: why be afraid to die? I suppose I'm less afraid of dying now (age 26) than at 17. Maybe when I'm 76 I'll feel differently. But it is sort of a relief to know that there's no (so to speak) deadline to meet. You don't have to accomplish anything specific in order to die. That I find comforting.

What I was afraid of at 17, a fear that had (re?)surfaced at about 12 when

a) a friend's older sister killed herself
b) I was going to a very strange, though interesting, small Christian school

was that I'd die and live forever. I was terrified of living forever. It seemed so brutally never-ending. After that, when doubts started to snuggle in to my sense of self I was afraid of my consciousness being cut off completely at the moment of death, which would also be a sort of forever. I questioned how forever could exist, and whether it was just a space outside of time.

I still wake up at night from time to time scared of uncertainty, but most of the time I'm comforted that I don't know everything and that so many other beings exist. I realize that those existential fears were selfish - also funny, sometimes - but don't think I've come to a grand spiritual understanding because I'm not very spiritual. Nor rational. And I'm still absurdly selfish about things.

I worry about how to spend my time, short-term and long-term. Some of that worry does things, some is itself a waste of time.
e_o_i These two lines express one of the things I was saying better than I said it:

"I am a prisoner of consciousness
my own"

(Czandra/Sandra Stephenson)

Also, hello leif! I didn't know you were ethereal/puredream. I admire your way with words.
Doar life is what you give
it travels with you
it surprises

and gives

it traveles and


Such is travel.

what's it to you?
who go