harrisburg unhinged someday, hopefully soon, i'll be able to talk it out of my system. but it was a little much to digest all at once. and for some reason, the tears won't stop welling to my eyes today. it seems like a beautiful place to live. i'm really looking for a beautiful place to get lost. 050611 ... unhinged i realize now that you were just trying to give me back some of what i've given you over the years. thank you. from the bottom of my heart. i'm going to get to work on my publishing project tomorrow. 050717 ... unhinged it took me almost four months to realize the depth of it and two more months to realize that i had figured it out. i always claimed that every relationship i've formed since i stopped tolerating her bullshit has only gone to superficial depths (in_other_words she made me a bitter bitch), but it took seeing her again to make me realize how much she had affected me. i'm sorry but i can't pretend i like someone that stole the last shreds of my innocence and then spit on them. to see the profound affect life had on him after he had realized the value of his own life, something i was convinced would never happen but that i wanted so badly. the conflicting joy and anger. the intense heat with no air conditioning. hiding in the caverns. it reminded me how far away i am now from those days; when i was in love with her and i was so afraid that he was going to die. the days where i never said a word, silently shaking in the corner. i don't let people make me feel like that anymore. but along with shutting out that kind of pain, i'm also shutting out the possibility of the exact opposite. john_and_i happened the way we did because i couldn't live through another him. i think, even though it took awhile, that i found closure out there too. i miss loving people like that. 051224 ... unhinged i'm glad i hugged her goodbye. 051228 ... a clever disguise the_damage_done 120612 ... unhinged i was sitting right there in the basement in mechanicsburg when he asked you to come out too. i was well aware it was his doing. we had a fight about it in the front yard as he was playing your music on the stereo and that song that stabbed me in the heart came on and i walked away, out into the yard. he followed me trying to write off my reaction as crazy but my look said it all. he sincerely apologized to me. i never shared my side of things because he was friends with you too and i didn't think it was fair to badmouth you. my look in the front yard that day said it all. i was well aware that he enjoyed the manipulation, the power. it made him feel...authoritative? to have the three of us on his arm. i was well aware he lived for the thrill of the chase. most heroin junkies do. all of us were filling the hole his mother left behind. he did evil things. but he was the first one to admit it. somehow or another i avoided the worst of it with him. just hugs and drugs and roadtrips. maybe because i wasn't physically attractive back then. maybe because i have always been an observer, silently watching. maybe because my adoration outweighed any lust. but there were, and im sure still are, good parts in that mans soul. I saw and felt them pretty regularly for four years, along with the nasty shit he thought he was hiding from me. i saved most of it for another heroin_doll years later. if it wasn't for him, i would've run like i should've. if it wasn't for him, all of the junkie drama would not have been an acceptable fixture in my life. if it wasn't for him i would never have learned how to uncover the heart hidden in anyones dirty_mirrors maybe you should forgive him and let_it_all_go 120612 ... a clever disguise Forgiveness and respect are two different things. We've seen him in different lights to be sure. But his daughter played with my daughter. And I saw things that made my skin crawl. And now - she is in Wisconsin. He calls me out to the_ghost_town and can't understand why I wouldn't drop my own daughter like a sack of potatoes to be in a studio with him again. You can only be the victim so long. When you're making another generation of victims, it's time to own up. 120612 ... unhinged (maybe the first one had the right idea when she had an abortion. some men will never grow up enough to be decent fathers. they may try for a year or two, then slide right back down into the hole they made for themselves. some people never grow up) like I said maybe its time to let_it_all_go 120614 ... a clever disguise somehow I doubt she was the first one. anyway, I don't have the heart you have. I soil people's name in my mind and banish them forever. I discard memories like trash. but this place (where_ghosts_flourish) has helped me sort through the trash and though I don't think I've found any treasure, I've at least found things that should have been repurposed instead... He (and a few others) will remain as beacons of what I can admire about a man at arm's length that can be destroyed at finger's touch. 120615 ... zerio he's no one important here. 120616 ... unhinged and you are? 120616 ... unhinged oh but he was important here heroin_doll ivet 141126 what's it to you? who go blather from