gutwrenching rollins As miserable as life may be I hold it pretty precious... 010822 ... shorlove desire to... 030422 ... b i thought gutwrenching as he said it. this was today, when i ausitioned. i didn't even get to go. man was i nervous. tomorrow will be better. i can do it. 030512 ... unhinged trying to wipe the tears from my face as my hands shake getting out of your car for the last time loading up a cart walking up the steps handing in my keys all for the last time driving down mahoning past the cemetery the tears well to my eyes as i try not to cry holding my cigarette out the window keeping my poison to myself so many last times caught up in only a few days it was all so gutwrenching that reality hasn't quite caught up with me yet i wake up at night searching for you beside me finding only sad sad songs on the radio i've come out a different person a better person dirt can be a good thing when you scrape it away to reveal what's underneath i will remember the look of so many eyes that i stared into for the last time eyes that created pillars in my heart pillars of need pillars of want pillars of love pillars that will support me when the future starts to crumble the defenses of my heart the pillars of their eyes will still be standing this is what you all have made me i am no longer a lonely monument to self_disgust but a many splendored testament to the power of love what i could have only become from leaving my stomach tied in nots an especially poignant memory welling tears to the top someday the gutwrenching eased into a sweet sardonic smile 030512 ... Syrope Like a freeze-dried rose, you will never be, What you were, what you were to me in memory... My silence solidifies, Until that hollow void erases you, Erases you so I can't feel at all. But if I never feel again, At least that nothingness will end The painful dream, of you and me. -- Missy Higgins, The Sound of White 080516 ... unhinged and all i have left of that sweet sardonic 080516 ... unhinged my heart aches so bad it twists my stomach in knots cuddle_bug could make my stomach ache go away cuddle_bug cuddle_bug where are you? think you could stay? 080903 ... In_Bloom unhinged- you just made me cry seriously 080903 ... unhinged i've been doing a lot of that lately myself. today the weather agrees with me. grey, soaking drizzle. i just want need arms around me. is it really that much to ask? i held her hand walking to the busstop, clasped not entwined. i squeezed while her hand was limp in it's heartbroken drunkenness. her hand is someone else's, but that's the story of my life. stolen affection from someone that belongs to another. but i'll take hugs, hands where i can get them. i'm desperate. 080904 ... In_Bloom I have stolen and I've been the stolen And each time I have been happilily striding beside one I believe, there is still that small wounded part of me that counts the time, counts the steps and just knows it won't last forever. 080908 ... arwyn Holidays are so hard now. I could call you. Say "mom?" And maybe fix everything, but it won't work. There's too much to forgive. There's too much to sweep under the rug. I need that apology. That heartbreaking apology that admits you didn't care. I want that apology. I watch Sara's family. Her mom is a dream. Her sister hates me, but that's okay. I'm not fond of her. But the unfeigned love and closeness the three of them share hurts. My heart aches for that kind of love. I know I'll never get it. I watch the whole spectacle. Jealous. But relieved she never had to deal with the abuse I suffered. 181118 ... unhinged (fifteen years later, those people are nothing but memories. in an era of reconnection, i refuse to use social search engines. but, sometimes i still wonder what became of you. you were pivotal to my late blooming adolescence.) grit making beauty like a_pearl 181120 what's it to you? who go blather from