kerry "heaven is hell in reverse"
-Elvis Costello

and you make me sick to my stomach with "i luv lindsey" on your profile since i've been replaced...
it's not fair. it's not fair that i have to care and say i don't love you anymore, i have to hate you and still think about you.

i dreamed about you last night. i was in the most beautiful room, like the swan house, with white wood around the windowpanes everywhere and the most gorgeous flowers in bouquets surrounding me and you called. and i knew it was you immediately and you said "i want us to be a we instead of a you and me" and i knew you didn't want to be more than friends but it was okay with me. "i just called to talk about... stuff," you said, and i smiled and told you everything.
then i woke up beneath the thick plaid blankets and saw the starry turquoise walls and remembered i wasn't even in my own bed. and i thought of you and a flicker of happiness lit up in my head and then... and then it was gone.
kelli crane stephen lopez 020113
unhinged i immortalized him in the blue pages
he was the only one
i would ever say
i was with long enough
to call an
and jamie found the pages
and didn't like them
not one bit
and i had somehow ruined his life
because i had feelings for him a long time ago
feelings that still surface
now and again
it's better not to talk about it
now that the place has been invaded
hey now! most of them suck, especially the most recent ex 020114
jestification there's THE ex-boyfriend....six years invested...that no man on earth could ever replace. he's still my best friend and my safety net. i would die protecting him from the world...but i could never protect him from myself. it's been unoffical three years...how much longer will it take for me to love myself enough to allow him to love me forever. 020114
Syrope after a while i stop thinking of them as an "ex boyfriend" and refer to them as "mistakes" or even "trash" :) only the most previous gets the formal title... 020622
Eowithien I suppose it would help to blather here if I'd ever had an ex_boyfriend...

let alone a boyfriend...
shivers he never did nething wrong... at least not when we were going out. three months, my first bf, and we never held hands. i was shy and so was he... i ended it so i guess im the evil one 030805
heart why is it that its so hard to stay friends with them? 030805
misstree because there will always be a vigil light in the emotional graveyard for the one that you face.

i have remained friends to some degree with every boi i've ever dated. hurts like hell sometimes, but we know we've been through hell together, seen eachother's best and worst, and we're always gonna care. i've been very very lucky that way.

let's hope i can find that place in my heart with this one before he flies to the edges of the world with the coming of winter.
delial let's sum them up, shall we?

first: Best friend I had a hefty crush on for a year or so, who wanted to have some fun with me. He was suicidal for awhile...we're friends still though. I recognize he has some problems... he was just so immature. [as was I, though.]

second: Shy, paranoid, fell hard, I broke up with him, he took it hard, and spread rumors about me. We never spoke after that.

third: We were friends for a long time. He said he was in love with me. We lived together for awhile, but he was stubborn, and when I wouldn't dedicate my entire life to him, he shut me out. We're still friends, per_se, but I feel loss over how things disintegrated. I never fell in love with him like he wanted...

fourth: crazy. biggest mistake I've ever made involving a person. we sort of went together for awhile...he became obsessed, then the stalking started..threatened to kidnap me when I broke things off...he did some bad shit to me physically... luckily he lives very far away, and I have since moved. rrrgh.

fifth: we were friends for awhile, and he kept pushing for it to be more. He liked me, he was sweet to me, he took me out quite often, we spent time together, then he cheated with me with an ex over new years. When he got back he told me "It's ok, you'll find someone else," and talked down to me, like I had been the one insisting on being with him. That whole situation pissed me off because it in fact had been him pushing me the entire time, and I had stupidly given in because he had seemed so sweet at the time.

It's wonderful how, the same person you let them cry on your shoulder about and comfort them over, is the same one they fuck during their week away from you. I guess all that stuff about being heartbroken over her were lies and I was too stupid to realize it.

The sixth? Well, I honestly don't feel like there will be a sixth.

At this point, I'd rather have friends and no one to call an ex later on down the road. I hate having things blow up in my face.
no reason i just feel so...weird.
i don't really understand.
who i am doesnt matter anymore one of them stopped by today, with his new girlfriend.
im glad theres no hurt feelings, he gave me the hug of a life time, like the goodness never stopped. and for that i give him respect.
mysticspiral I hated when my name was replaced by her's on your tongue, and how her skin felt the roughness of you findertips, while my body lay cold and unstroked. I drove myself out of my head with thoughts of you two.

Why did you still tell me you loved me? Why were our names interchangable? I am not a brick which can be substituted by any other in the building that is your life. I'd like to think that I am more, wasn't I more to you?

But I guess it's only fair. I guess that I deserved this- that you should slowly rip my heart out from my chest. It wasn't very long ago that I told you we could only be friends. Now I wallow in regret, while you dance gracefully from her bed to mine singing the same song of love.

What do I want from you? I just want you to validate the last year of my life. Let me believe that I meant something to you. Hold me and tell me that it was real, that though we go our separate ways you'll never forget, that i'm not this easy to get over.
unhinged called on saturday but didn't leave a voicemail, didn't pick up when i called him back. i get sick when i think of talking to him now. it makes my stomach turn over and my hands shake. what the hell do you want?

i still think about you everyday but i can barely remember when i was happy with you. it takes a little more than a monthly phone call to repair the rift between us; i don't know if i want to repair the rift between us. but i still think about you everyday.
cat :o( the person i love more than life itself, but the love is poision
that i give him and turned his heart
to black and i wish i could take it back,i only wanted him to be free,but he must like drowning with me i wish he would find another, a lover who gives him the world and loves him
more than i ever could.
misstree how do you tell someone that
you can't call them, can't speak to them
because you are busy undoing
all that they did,
unbecoming the
half they had, that
if they smear the paint on your
revamped retrofitted badazz soul_machine,
the marks will last much longer than you'd like?
how do you tell someone that their pawprints
are unwelcome until you have
marked the boundaries of your
brand new chunk of dreamhome?
how do you tell someone that
being friends is far less important
than simply properly Being?
if it was ugly it would be simple,
there would be a head on a spear
to rattle and howl and display its
penetrating point, but instead the remains are
soft grey fur, innocent blood, and
the scent of mothballs as memories
shuffle off to see if they survive the camps.
how do you explain your absence?
you batton down the hatches and
tell them in person, is how, you
allow the past its priveliges and you
step_right_up to the podium and
you share a little of what used to be theirs.
lc It's so easy when you want nothing to do with them anymore. It's so hard when you want nothing more than to be with them again.

But for every one there is a story to be told, a truth about myself they helped me discover.
unhinged what_am_i_now

besides a bitch, hole

time_warp i just want to step into a corner and say
that he fucked up any chance of being friends
he started dating someone else
right after we broke up.
he didn't bother telling me,
he let it filter through the grapevine.
he didn't call for a month,
then his no-answering maching having ass
left nasty messages on my voicemail
because i hadn't called,
and then
he starts acting like a dick
demanding back the laptop
that should be dead five times over
and very often
is my only sanctuary.
let him try to collect.
it's currently on loan
to a friend just diagnosed with cancer.
he can go to the hospital
and ask for it back himself
because it'll be a while
before i can see him
without breaking his nose.
x collect 'em all 040113
nisus Your continued existence annoys me. 040117
god i saw yr ex boyfriend two nights ago. he still hates me. i thought he hated you. he didn't talk to me. thankfully. 041010
unhinged should never stay friend again


once intimate relations have been gained
friendship is not a valid option
Ouroboros you are not my 110221
unhinged battered_woman_syndrome

i feel like even though
we don't have a title
i'm trapped
no reason "he can still think you're great but know you're not right for each other"

how long do you have to date someone before they're legitimately a boyfriend?
if they never were a boyfriend, does that mean they're not an ex_boyfriend, and you can still hang out with them, at least sooner rather than later?

oh, questions.
what's it to you?
who go