discomforted unhinged there are two separate compartments in my heart for how i feel about you. the somewhat rational part that knows you mostly treated me like shit for your own ends and the somewhat irrational part that clings to happiness and love at all costs no matter how small the happiness or love. the two sides of my perpetual scale. almost always tipped to one side. my scale tips more and more to the rational side with you. but its still weighed down by our happiness even though it gets farther and farther from me every day that passes. i was working on tipping myself to the rational side. for two months i rationalized not talking to you. an eye for an eye; more than that, the scale between us was lopsided and i wanted to make it equal. but i dont like to play games; i have feelings for you and i don't want you to feel bad. but what about the times you made me feel bad? that you just walking_away like that places more weight in my rational than the weight that is left in my emotional. that everytime you didn't answer the fucking phone (when i knew you knew it was me) made me sick. i was trying to walk_away from you. i was trying at letting_go. because one thing i learned in my life while you were gone is that it does absolutely no good to cling to the people that treat you like shit. i had learned that it is okay to temper love with rationality and reality and not to imagine that one day maybe the person won't treat you like shit anymore because time has shown me that that NEVER happens. i spent a lot of time growing_up without_you. i tried to be the pedestal on which you sat. and you crushed me. so what do you want now? that pedestal does not exist anymore. and those two separate parts of my heart create a ball in my stomach and a ball of anger in my heart because i am trying to let_go of you. what do you want from me? maybe the next time, with the next person, you should take the time to get to know them before you walk away. i don't want to be sick anymore. 030926 ... unhinged but sadly, you are still the only glimpse of real_love i've had. and while you are probably still a coked_out loser, i wonder what it would have been if i had never left. what i would be if i would have never left. now that is a discomforting thought. 080726 ... In_Bloom When what you thought was kind turns cruel Trust is tremulous but it's still good to believe that every now and then... It could turn out to be True 081024 ... unhinged i_i_w_i_i 180816 ... unhinged you are performing with your percussionist/composer girlfriend in brazil that pokes about ten different sorespot s 180816 what's it to you? who go blather from