disappointing_recipes andru235 ======================== ---TARRAGON SQUARES--- ======================== for this recipe you will need... 4 cups dried Tarragon 1 tbs salt 1 tbs pepper 2 tbs butter 1 cup soy milk ~ empty ice cube tray put all ingredients in large bowl. beat until whipped. pour - if you can - mixture into ice cube tray. bake at 350 degrees for thirty minutes. ---------------------- what's disappointing ---------------------- 1) the ice cube tray usually melts, wrecking the dish. 2) even if the ice cube tray doesn't melt (i.e. its made of metal), the resultant cubes are neither "cubic" nor are they "square." talk about rectangles! 3) the tarragon is overwhelming. only those with an acute addiction to tarragon will derive any pleasure at all from this strange meal. disappointment_score: 643 out of 701 051023 ... andru235 =================== ---SALTED SALT--- =================== for this recipe you will need... 2 cups de-iodized salt 1 cup sea salt 1 cup garlic salt mix all the salt together in a large bowl. serves 5. ------------------ what's disappointing ------------------ it's way too salty. maybe if your dinner guests are elk, this will be well received. otherwise, skip it. disappointment_score: 501/701 051023 ... andru235 ====================== ---WIGS IN A BLANKET--- ====================== for this recipe you will need... 1 full-length wig 11 eggs 1 onion, diced 1 cup celery, minced 2 cups cheddar cheese mix eggs, onion and celery in a large bowl. grease large pan, add mixture. when frying begins add wig and cheese. fold the "lip" of egg over the wig. serves you right. ------------------ what's disappointing ------------------ basically, it's just plain nasty. the wig makes it too difficult to portion out, and if one manages to do so, one should be charged with a felony. disappointment_score: 684/701 051023 ... andru235 ============ ---DIRT--- ============ for this recipe you will need... 5 cups dirt put 1 cup dirt on five different plates. serves five. ------------------ what's disappointing ------------------ actually, this recipe is not too disappointing. at the outset, you know what you are getting into, so the taste of dirt does not come as a shock. disappointment_score: 125/701 051023 ... misstree "this... is how i win pillow fights..." and this... is how i get friuends t pass out due to drunketn antertaingnment. i lurve you twiece as hard, andru. right up da buttt. por wherever j00 want. i lurve j00 however j00 please. for yuou rock harder than american_idle pop tarts. *nuzzle* 051023 ... mt and now i know why misstree_lurver_three_words was warning me fron bsc the other day. and i lurve you harder. 051023 ... oren Point of clarification... In your DIRT recipe, do you recommend any particular type of dirt? I was thinking of a nice loamy potting soil. Am I heading in the wrong direction here? 051023 ... andru235 thanks, MT! and oren, that's a great question. i should've clarified up front that one can use any type of dirt one likes! why, some even use clay (not recommended, though)! personally, i suggest brown dirt, black dirt (loam optional), or any other dirt you can dig up on someone. no one said the dirt has to be soil! 051023 ... andru235 ==================== ---BARBAQUED PIKACHU--- ==================== for this recipe you will need... a pikachu or two 1/2 cup olive oil 5 2/3 cup barbeque sauce 1 tbs. salt 1 tbs. vinegar 2 tsp. vanilla extract 1 tsp. yellow food dye first, make sure the pikachu is dead(for the cruel and twisted, this step is optional). place pikachu in frying pan, add olive oil, begin frying. mix salt, vinegar, vanilla extract and vanilla food dye in a small bowl. throw bowl out the window - you won't need it or the mixture. add barbeque sauce to frying pikachu, being sure to wait for pikachu to absorb sauce before adding more. serves four. ------------------ what's disappointing ------------------ first, there is no such thing as a pikachu, so you may or may not be disappointed by your visit to the grocery store beforehand - i suppose it really depends on your rational faculties. second, given the lack of pikachu, you really just end up with a bunch of barbeque sauce. some choose to substitute a cardboard pikachu cutout (or any other cheap, plastic pikachu crap) for the real thing, in which case, it will become smothered in barbeque sauce. bizarre. third, although you were really attached to that bowl you threw out the window - don't cry about it -, henceforth, you'll just have to use the ol' three-footer. disappointment_score: 567/701 051023 ... andru235 ======================== ---SCRAMBLED CHILDREN--- ======================== for this recipe you will need... several small children 4 c. turmeric 3 c. basil 4 c. paprika 4 c. salt 5 c. dill weed 6 c. dried habenero pepper 1 eye of newt 5 leg of snake (rare and expensive) 4 c. fresh parsley 1 bubbling cauldron a witch or warlock hat (brimmed, pointy) first, don the hat. "don" means put it on. no, not like "the ritz". there is no need to be a show off. simply take the hat, and place it on your head. if the children have been behaving well, see to it that they are dead dead DEAD before you put them in the cauldron - it's only polite. however, if they have been naughty, feel free to boil them alive. see if you can trick the little devils into jumping into the cauldron by tempting them with cookies, just for fun. once the children are in the cauldron, add turmeric, basil, paprika, salt, dill weed and habenero peppers. when children begin to get soggy, add the snake's legs. note that if you cannot find snake legs, it is perfectly acceptable to substite a batwing or two. once children have been cooked to taste, remove from cauldron. save contents of cauldron (makes a great base for "dirty-mother-fucker soup"). put children in food processer; puree on "high" until blended. place scrambled children in frying pan. add eye of newt. fry until slightly crispy, taking care not to burn. burnt little children are disgusting, not to mention stinky. serve on plates. garnish liberally with parsley. serves verves. ---------------------- what's disappointing ---------------------- 1) the most frequently reported disappointment is that people mistakenly use their own children! it's usually better to use those troublemakers down the street. that way, you can teach your own children about a priori cannibalism, and not have to resort to mere theory. 2) this is not a vegetarian recipe. vegetarian guests will be VERY disappointed. 3) unless you are an evil witch or warlock, this meal could cause severe indigestion. please do not serve this to wiccans - they won't appreciate it. learn the difference, bucko. disappointment_score: 311 out of 701 051024 ... andru235 ======================== ---NOT-SO-WILD RICE--- ======================== for this recipe you will need... 2 c. water 2 c. white rice 1 tie (or two ascots) 1 c. decaf coffee 1 pint non-alcoholic beer 1/2 cup hemp (no THC - even "brown frown" is too potent for this recipe) 2 pieces of nicorette gum 1 can cream-of-celery soup 1 tbsp. butter add rice, butter and hemp to water; bring to boil. reduce heat to "low", let simmer 25-30 minutes. in a separate pot, heat cream-of-celery soup. once hot, add decaf coffee, n/a beer, and gum. DO NOT BOIL! that would be far too exciting for this dish. add finished rice to pot. cook for five more minutes, stirring occasionally. remove from heat, let sit four minutes and thirty-three seconds, while listening to the piece of "music" of the same name by john cage. use the tie to strangle yourself. you will enjoy death more than this horrid meal you have just prepared.* *alternatively, choke on the ascot. serves up a new life, if directions followed correctly. ---------------------- what's disappointing ---------------------- mainly the title. when one has completed this recipe, the only logical response is a quick foray into suicide - and death is very, VERY exciting, as is the incumbent rebirth in a new form. so a better name for this recipe would've been, "seemingly-not-so-wild-rice-that-is-actually-quite-exhilerating", but try telling that to the idiot who invented the dish. disappointment_score: 292 out of 701 051024 ... andru235 ========================= ---ALMOND-PECAN THINGS--- ========================= for this recipe you will need... (x(4y/3))^2 cups almonds 1.2(xy/2)+45 cups pecans 1 vat mysterious sludge 5 gallons bizarre goo x and y are unknown quanitities, which is fitting, since the sludge and the goo have unknown qualities. they say "quality, not quantity," but they are smoking crack. ignore them. mix almonds and pecans into sludge while stirring with shovel. add goo. stir more. stir like you've never stirred before, except of course in your sleep. we need you to be awake right now. stop thinking about sleep...sleep...sleep...sleepy sleepy. serves (x^4y)^72.4 ---------------------- what's disappointing ---------------------- 1) the strange, radiant chartreuse color of this dish seems alluring until your tongue dissolves. 2) the delicious pecans seem nice until they lodge in your throat and you have to perform the heimlich maneuver on yourself using a chair. 3) ooops, i forgot to mention that the sludge is highly acid and the goo is a powerful base. ignore 1 and 2 because when you made this dish, there was a huge explosion and you were killed. disappointment_score: you're dead. everyone has different feelings about being dead. few are disappointed, however, other than that the recipe didn't turn out so good. 051027 ... iNsEcUrE_GoTh_GiRl *has stomach cramps from the laughter*, (although that could just be from the dirt.) i think you're missing a garnish of dog hairs in that dirt. I found that in mine, most exciting. more, more! 051027 ... just to clarify recipes, that is, not dog hairs. 051027 ... not tonya baby_satan's_snack_tips 051027 ... satan satan satan try those ↑ ↑ i promise, you won't be disappointed at all 051027 ... andru235 do excuse me, i hadn't realized ... i'm not usually one to encroach upon another's turf. i shall leave the gourmet-ification of blather to you. ☺ 051028 ... andru235 sardonic afterthought (not targetted at not-tonya or b.s. but rather at society) : after all, where would we be without intellectual_property rights? sleeping in ditches, surely. 051028 ... Death of a Rose they probably just wanted to you read their contributions and didn't mean for you to stop your most disgusting and highly dissapointing recipies.....but i could be wrong. 051028 ... not tonyama just adding to the fun, Andru, keep up the effort 051028 ... andru235 oh i know. ☺ my first response was cuz i didn't want to seem like a copy cat. my second response was mainly because i couldn't resist an opportunity to highlight an inanity of "intellectual_property". read them i did! i was quite pleased to finally find a use for all that lint i have been saving. 051028 ... SamU-El ----------------- DEAD DOG ----------------- what you need: ~1 dog* ~1 bulb of garlic, with cloves separated and peeled ~1 large onion, cut into small bits ~1 can peeled tomatoes ~some curry (how much do you want to mask the flavor?) ~2 cups of water ~Do you decide upon rice or breading for stuffing? *can be killed fresh and cured, does not necessarily have to be dog, any rotten meat will do- make sure you gut it before the curing process preparation: `how obvious do you want to make this? `De-fur the dead dog (its fur easily sets on fire in the oven. this creates a bad smell, some smoke, and makes cleaning the often tiresome.) `Remove the limbs(set aside on a covered tray), leave the head (for added effect or possibly, using a Cantonese cuisine recipe for monkey's brains...an added dish!) `Use meat from limbs and pus from curing, for sauce...bit of butter in a pan melted, heat on low...slowly cook the meat, until it is only half raw/pink in middle (you want to leave the possibility for worms, this also goes for the roasting torso) `Have a roasting pan near `Set your oven to 350 degrees `Stuff the torso with rice or breading mixed with curry & add part of the pre-cooked meat. `With a knife, make evenly spaced holes in the meat which are deep enough to envelop the cloves of garlic. Added message from Capt. Obvious: Stuff newly formed holes in dog with cloves of garlic. `Place torso (w/wo the head) in roasting pan. `Add water, onions, more curry, partially cooked meat and pus (use a bit of water to take as much out of the pot used before-hand to get the as much pus/meat for roasting as possible,) water, and the peeled tomatoes to the roasting pan. `Roast the damn thing. `Make sure: ~you keep on basting it once in a while, ~to add water to keep enough for broth (about 1 angry inch) ~to roast it enough for taste but not enough to cook all those nasty parasites out. ~The amount of time depends on the size of the meat. I recommend referring roasting recipies, from cornish hens, turkey, or perhaps even roast lamb to get the correct timing. Just make sure that you consider that these recipes cook the meat fully. And, Dear Diary- JACKPOT!! Your roast is done. Enjoy watching the effects. --------------------- what's dissapointing? --------------------- You can't fucking eat it yourself. Do you tell them what they're eating? Do you move to another location, unknown to them as soon as possible? Should you just have poisoned them in the first place? Was this really worth the effort? That's for you to decide. Also, a fantastic after-dinner drink to tag on: ----------------- WINE INTO WATER ----------------- This also depends on your resources and preference. Does one keep slaves in the house, immediate vacinity, or perhaps they would be readily available? If you answered "Yes," then it would be spelled correctly WHINE INTO WATER. In whatever way you please, make them whine and drink some water** **loosely put. Could be any beverage you enjoy. If the answer is "No," there are some options to be had. 1. Have both water and wine available for this trick. The wine hidden but close to you. Get them drunk. Distract them. Descreetly spill the water out of said beverage container and add wine. DONE. 2. Can you hypnotize a person/crowd? (Yes?) Then here's another chance. Start with the glass of water. Hypnotize the person/people, convince them they are drinking wine. (While you're at it, you should have already thought about what sort of excuse or explanation you should give them, in case of later sickness or any other unpleasantness.) 051030 ... SamU-El the first didn't catch. ----------------- DEAD DOG ----------------- what you need: ~1 dog* ~1 bulb of garlic, with cloves separated and peeled ~1 large onion, cut into small bits ~1 can peeled tomatoes ~some curry (how much do you want to mask the flavor?) ~2 cups of water ~Do you decide upon rice or breading for stuffing? *can be killed fresh and cured, does not necessarily have to be dog, any rotten meat will do- make sure you gut it before the curing process preparation: `how obvious do you want to make this? `De-fur the dead dog (its fur easily sets on fire in the oven. this creates a bad smell, some smoke, and makes cleaning the often tiresome.) `Remove the limbs(set aside on a covered tray), leave the head (for added effect or possibly, using a Cantonese cuisine recipe for monkey's brains...an added dish!) `Use meat from limbs and pus from curing, for sauce...bit of butter in a pan melted, heat on low...slowly cook the meat, until it is only half raw/pink in middle (you want to leave the possibility for worms, this also goes for the roasting torso) `Have a roasting pan near `Set your oven to 350 degrees `Stuff the torso with rice or breading mixed with curry & add part of the pre-cooked meat. `With a knife, make evenly spaced holes in the meat which are deep enough to envelop the cloves of garlic. Added message from Capt. Obvious: Stuff newly formed holes in dog with cloves of garlic. `Place torso (w/wo the head) in roasting pan. `Add water, onions, more curry, partially cooked meat and pus (use a bit of water to take as much out of the pot used before-hand to get the as much pus/meat for roasting as possible,) water, and the peeled tomatoes to the roasting pan. `Roast the damn thing. `Make sure: ~you keep on basting it once in a while, ~to add water to keep enough for broth (about 1 angry inch) ~to roast it enough for taste but not enough to cook all those nasty parasites out. ~The amount of time depends on the size of the meat. I recommend referring roasting recipies, from cornish hens, turkey, or perhaps even roast lamb to get the correct timing. Just make sure that you consider that these recipes cook the meat fully. And, Dear Diary- JACKPOT!! Your roast is done. Enjoy watching the effects. --------------------- what's dissapointing? --------------------- You can't fucking eat it yourself. Do you tell them what they're eating? Do you move to another location, unknown to them as soon as possible? Should you just have poisoned them in the first place? Was this really worth the effort? That's for you to decide. Also, a fantastic after-dinner drink to tag on: ----------------- WINE INTO WATER ----------------- This also depends on your resources and preference. Does one keep slaves in the house, immediate vacinity, or perhaps they would be readily available? If you answered "Yes," then it would be spelled correctly WHINE INTO WATER. In whatever way you please, make them whine and drink some water** **loosely put. Could be any beverage you enjoy. If the answer is "No," there are some options to be had. 1. Have both water and wine available for this trick. The wine hidden but close to you. Get them drunk. Distract them. Descreetly spill the water out of said beverage container and add wine. DONE. 2. Can you hypnotize a person/crowd? (Yes?) Then here's another chance. Start with the glass of water. Hypnotize the person/people, convince them they are drinking wine. (While you're at it, you should have already thought about what sort of excuse or explanation you should give them, in case of later sickness or any other unpleasantness.) 051030 ... phil ==================== ---HONEY CELERY--- ==================== for this recipe you will need... 1 stalk clean Celery 1 tbs Natural Honey Cut celery ends until uniform. Halve the resulting celery sticks and place on empty plate. Dribble honey onto celery. No baking required. Consume. ---------------------- what's disappointing ---------------------- It is very deceptive; the resulting taste is displeasing. disappointment_score: 499 out of 701 051030 ... oren ======================== -----LICORICE PIZZA----- ======================== What you'll need: 1 frozen cheese_pizza 10 strings of black_Twizzlers 1 bottle carraway_seed Preheat oven to 350ºF. Remove frozen pizza from box and place directly on middle oven rack. Place all 10 Twizzlers on top of pizza, keeping them away from the crust as best you can. Sprinkle entire bottle of carraway seed over pizza. Bake until crust is golden_brown. Serves 2 to 3. --------------------- What's disappointing --------------------- My_god! This tastes awful! 051030 what's it to you? who go blather from