deep_ish__thoughts 2 1/2 wise cracks A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks? Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do...write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail? How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there? If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? Clones are people two. If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong? If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. Think "honk" if you're telepathic. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation? If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? So what's the speed of dark? How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow? After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water? Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food? If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in? I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections? Is it true cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse? Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it? Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak? How come abbreviated is such a long word? If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers? Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. I am in shape: Round's a shape. I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But then, when you take him out in a car he sticks his head out the window. Have you ever noticed that anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? You have to stay in shape. Grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Today, she's 97 and we have no idea where she is. She's faster than she looks. I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you. Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library, the James Carter Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, the George H.W. Bush Library, and the William Jefferson Clinton Adult Bookstore. A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too." I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my wife is attractive, but I only have photographs of her. 010208 what's it to you? who go blather from