deemed_depressed
Xero I've been wanting to write to you since you declared me depressed but I haven't found the words to depict what’s in my head. clarity is a fickle thing and rarely enters my world, this time is no different. I keep trying to understand why I feel the way I do about you/us (if there ever was such a thing) or whatever every one else would want to categorize these thoughts under. I keep wondering why it is that I still feel this pull... strange desire to have you thinking about me the same as I do you. I see brief reflections of clarity and forget everything, brushing it off like others have, leaving it by the way while I continue my journey only to find it stuck to me like one of those bristly seeds. A seed yes, but of what? And the circuity of my mind, my thoughts, my being... begins again. A circle, they are, seemingly without beginning and clearly without an end. Depression you say, no. Antisocial... introspective... low self esteem and low self worth... we are as different as night is to day but without their bond. At least that is the way it feels. Maybe I am depressed, but if this is depression then it isn't so bad and you shouldn't worry regardless. You see I've managed to build up a shield to everything and it keeps me safe. A wall more like because unlike a shield I can't raise and lower it at will. A wall holding out or in a monster, THE monster... that infinite sadness that the healthy spirited talk about in hushed tones and control with cleaned white coats and soft containers. Oh, it's clarity again. It says to thank you for being a friend and for caring, and to stop writing this insanity. 020207
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lu_cid we carry paper clip chains attatched to our asses, the more we try to shake them off the more they snag and grab more weight. i get so tired of questioning. it is always the questions that i already know the answer to that cause me the most trouble, simply because i am looking for somebody to tell me that i am wrong.

...i've lost my direction. Which way now?
020207
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dave Thoe who dance and laugh and sing, those who who talk and phone ring ring, those who sound a little strange, we who hand out unspent change, those who give what others dont want, this is what little girls are made of...

light a candle, it all seems nicer in dark light
030405
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Me? there is a knife in my back and each time anyone says anything to me it twists further and deeper in but i can't reach it to pull it out. 040929
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