Souless Wanderer Where i used to go with out knowing why. Where i want to be right now.

I'm in the same house right now, quite a few years older, no more emotionally mature. I think i've regressed in fact. No emotions at all. But i want to walk up the two flights of wooden stairs, worn from years of 4 children, countless pets, and adults running/walking/skipping up and down. Go up the stairs into my old room, which they converted into a junkroom slowly, with out my knowledge... removing my belongings, erasing me. The first thing to go was the closet. Just the right size for me to bring in a blanket, a couple of pillows, my book and a flashlight. Shutting the world out when i close the door, the magnetic latching finishing the job, blocking out everyone, and everything. Dad saw me once, asked why i was in there. Because i loved it. The first thing to go. I want to go in there now. Step up the 10 inches or drawer underneath, and wrap the space around me. Close the door so its only me and the darkness. See nothing, hear only my breath, inhaling and exhaling in the small space. Maybe find peace for a few minutes. Escape the uncertianity, and pain of the real world, and be the little girl i was for too short of a time. But, the closets still full, and the doors blocked by boxes of girl guide Paraphernalia .

Theres got to be a metaphor in there somewhere.
bensimon you and your dark rooms. i told you i'd get you your closet back. just wait and i will. in the meanwhile, that's me in the corner. 040106
grendel i used to know an old man, a colleague of sorts from work, who joked about the poverty of his childhood... i haven't seen or heard from him in quite some time

but here is something he said. It was funnier in the hearing than it may seem either in my retelling or in the reading of it here, but in it's own subtle way it was funny enough upon first hearing.

"when i was a boy we lived in a very small house in the midwest just after World War II, it was a small house....a shack, pretty much... with just a couple of separate rooms. I didn't have a closet. Shit, i didn't even have that many clothes, really... all i had was a nail to hang my clothes on. I swore when i grew up i would live in a house with a closet. I'm an old man now, i finally got my closet...... and i haven't come out of it ever since."
oldephebe i can so relate SW - 040106
oldephebe i mean the whole reading a book in a closet part..shutting out everything..lying in the shallow belly of shadow and despair and yet taking comfort in it and the treasure of words and old second hand books..and shutting everything out..taking pleasure in them..NOT knowing where i was..your words brout it back..i'd really almost forgotten that phase..yeah there was definately a metaphore in there..

Piso Mojado part of me didnt come out to play today. 041020
autumn I shouldn't be drawn. But am. 041020
snow The night held in the palmshells. The heartribbons.


Dark blankets that chill. But a warmth that satisfies enough grows there in the shadow.

there in the shadow...
in the shadow..
the shadow...

Can you feel me breathing?
mourninglight yes 050322
Soma Tightly, and almost fetally wrapped
Shutting out the words she said,
and rocking back and forth
legs and my arms tangled together
I didn't care to be comfortable
I just didn't want
I don't want her to find me
I don't want her words to find me

Curled up in a closet
I could almost feel safe
and it seemed like only minutes
before she pulled open the door
and pulled me out
yelling at me
asking me what the hell I was in the closet for
because people weren't supposed to be in closets
and I couldn't stay there

my last safe haven
and she tore it from me
she took the doors off
and I had no where left to run to...

I hope this helps you understand.
nom baby mice 060710
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