unhinged i finally started living my life for myself rather than to make other people happy. the past six months seem like years. i discovered some things that are slowly making my life easier.

most people can only operate with ultimatums. when given choices, most people would rather go for the black and white, the ultimatum, yes or no. i don't like to tell people what to do because i don't like being told what to do. i can't tell someone not to do something that i do. i can tell you what i think you should do, but i'll probably also give you some options. that's just how i am. men, and chicks too, generally don't like options. they want the yes or no black or white choice. i'm not going to be the mother or babysitter in a relationship. i think that's part of the reason why my relationships don't last very long and more often than not i'm just the friend. freud was a quack but i think he had something with the oedipus complex thing. men want someone like their mother. i'm not much of a mother figure.

i've got a few other things to contend later on.
unhinged no matter how we are now, when we met each other john_and_i were incapable of being any closer than friends. when you live with someone for a year and leave them unexpectedly it takes longer than three months to start all over with someone else. when you spent five months having a meaningless physical relationship with someone to enforce your inferiority complex when you find someone that you could care about you are less than willing to admit your feelings. as an afterthought it was easy for him to say that i shouldn't have limited our relationship; everything he said to me said otherwise. it still makes me crazy. the way he pushed me away but after the fact tried to deny it. people can't help the way they feel but they can help the way they make other people feel. he made me feel used up until he got a girlfriend. but i contend, he tells me things he won't tell her. i can't decide how that makes me feel. 051226
unhinged buddhism_vs_nihilism

i contend that compassion CAN fix the world's ills.
unhinged i still limit myself too much by staying silent. i still am not very good at sticking up for myself. i still fall for the absolute wrong people; the unavailable, the oblivious, the self_absorbed.

but, i'm learning to let the happiness i give others be enough happiness for myself. i'm learning to keep a little for myself. this growing_up shit never stops. i wish i could just wake up one day and be done growing_up. perfectly adult and capable with every breath.

people don't know unless you tell them and most people are afraid to ask.


there is more than one way to tell someone something. it's just that wordless_conversations are easier for people to deny.

what's the fucking purpose of daylight_savings_time ? no matter what you call it, there's still the same amount of fucking hours in the day. i'm so jet_lagged this year, it doesn't really matter though.
unhinged i'm feeling rather fatalistic as of late. the hole feels deeper than it has in awhile.

where'd all my hope go?
what's it to you?
who go