capacity_to_love
silentbob Ages 9-12: I would find one person and unrequited_love them with the whole of my heart, to be unloved_tenderly in my own private prison
Ages 14-23: I would have crushes on lots of different people, with occasional actual_makeouts and occasional people I would fixate solely, to write every poem about. I also started asking people out during this time and it was usually a fail.
Ages 23-27: I would lust for everyone, occasionally unrequited_love a few, occassionally hook up with strangers and friends.
Ages 27-30: Trying to be in long term relationships with people I am attracted to, to generate feelings of lasting love with an actual person who is my partner, trying to do the thing I wanted to do when I was younger with women who will have me.

The disconnect is what_i_want with what_i_have. I find it increasingly difficult to love the people I am with. To fall for people who will have me. And I do not know if it's an issue of finding the right person or the scary thing which is I do not have the capacity to love someone the way I wanted to from when I was younger, to love and be equal to a partner. I think I just want to obsess over a person and eventually accomplish being with them, which seems unlikely.
But I never like people I date, and people I like never date me. And it is a problem of the pedastal, and how I act nervous around someone when I'm vulnerable
But I also think there's an element of... if they like me, or don't like me, it's more about them. I can only be myself, and have little control over whether they like me or not.

So the goal is just to find someone I can be crazy about who will also have me.

But for everyone else, my_heart's_an_autoclave
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unhinged bodhichitta

the_waitress - atmosphere
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unhinged (that is a lofty goal dear. i have to say mine is similar and most dating has left that goal unsatisfied. but, BUT, the small percentage of people i have actually attained that goal with, i have found completely by accident.

and maybe, it is something in us that wants us to believe we will always be unloved failures. reaching a goal is not an all or nothing instantaneous thing. it is a gradual thing that takes a lot of effort like climbing a mountain. true partnership far outreaches any cost_benefit_analysis ; it is a conscious choice to lay aside ego for a greater we. it is scary, risky, difficult. it will end just like all things end. but as much as the heart_pang screams at me to crawl in a hole and die every time i get burned from cliff_diving the greater part of me always takes the chance whenever it is offered.

abandon_expectation )
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Risen I think that my capacity to love is inversely proportional to my capacity to be loved - and that applies to everyone I've ever loved or who has loved me. If I care about someone, chances are they either don't know I exist, or don't really care. But if someone really loves me? I tend to be indifferent in the extreme.

I think you're right. It's probably a reflection on my feeling like I don't deserve to be loved or happy. I swear, I seek out the most impossible people to love. There is no chance of happiness, no hope whatsoever, so I never need to risk losing anything, or even more scary, risk being happy.
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silentbob Wow, samesies. We should probably start group therapy 140323
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silentbob it is difficult
to meet you
and to know
there is room
in my heart for you
and to know
you could not reciprocate
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what's it to you?
who go
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