breakups
kerry they suck. they totally suck. definitely

[they suck dontcha get it???]

man i am so pissed.
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distorted tendencies Hurt. 011224
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Half_Jack hahahaha, ye sbreakups suck larghe, but you know what you need to judt get the fuck over them because if yeh broek up itaint worth your time... is it? no matter how much it hurts. 050527
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n o m break you up inside 121114
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no reason i actually don't know how people deal with these anymore. i mean, i forget. i guess that scares me. 140423
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unhinged i drink too_much_gin
i blathe
i cry

then

i meditate
i do asana
i formulate a plan of who and what to do better next time
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TK I'm still desperately trying to figure out this whole breakup thing. Why don't these things come with highly detailed and easily understandable manuals of some sort?

The last time I ever had to deal with any kind of break up I was a teenager.

Usually a break up would just happen to coincide with moving soon (no more then a month later at most) afterwords bc my family was rather nomadic. Or if I couldn't leave town then I'd change schools (but that only happened once(thank you mom for making that happen))

I definitely have the moving part down as I'm now 2 hours away from where I was and transportation and health problems prevent him from from seeing me. There is absolutely no way I could deal if I actually had to physically see him.

More then anything thing what I Fear most is somehow ending back up with him.

He called
and we talked awkwardly on the phone for nearly 10 mins then he sent me a recent pic of himself (as he said he would) in a field of blue bonnets. I never said anything in reply back.Yea I'm cruel, didn't want to be mean like that but I couldn't think of anything appropriate to say so I said nothing(my brain seems to cease working when I need it to the most.). Still feeling incredibly guilty over not saying anything I sent him a pic that had been taken of me this Easter on Monday (nothing risque, just a shot from the collar bone up) while I was at work and wished him a happy Easter. Later that night he txt back his thanks and that I should call if I want.

Fuck.

Why am I such an idiot? Why did I have to say/do anything. This radio silence thing has seriously been working out for me quite well(hey its not my fault I'm not in contact with you, this is what ~you~ wanted so I'm simply respecting you wishes and doing as you asked)And then I (as is usual for me) go and fuk things up, whoot go me *rolls eyes at herself*

Dident realize until recently how his hatred of me was actually a good thing. As someone who is use to other ppls hatred, dislike or at least simply being ignored, easily shrugging that off comes as naturally to me as blinking. Being numb is usually so easy that it's not even something I think about, it simply is.So why did ~his~ hatred Suddenly effect me? Why was I Miss Sensitivity? Why the hell did I Suddenly start caring? I broke up with him, so why should his feelings even matter, let alone effect me? Fuck that. And yet stupidly it did/does matter to me for some reason.

And so I try to fix it. And now it looks (but I could be wrong) as though it worked, and in doing so has back fired on me. (Hey look everyone! I shot myself in the foot!) It's not that I don't want to talk to him, I do, but I'm afraid of hurting him anymore then I already have. Despite the fact he's hurt me so often over the years (even admitting to going out of his way to do so (but never physically)) I find myself completely unwilling/unable/unwanting to inflict pain upon him in any way, if anything I want to know that I've made him smile and laugh and feel better (and yes I'd feel that way even if he wasent going though cancer and chemo right now). However the best way to prevent from hurting him as far as I can see is to avoid contact with him as much as possible. And then I went and fucked that up, yep I'm just so freakin awesome.

Hurting him is my kryptonite, I know the best way to cure his pain is to "simply" go back, but I cant and I WONT. At least I say that but I'm so incredibly afraid I will (Look! I fixed it! He's not hurting any more! I made things alllll better now!(well for him anyway... *sigh*))

I haven't called him yet (yea don't be so shocked,like you dident see that coming from a mile away)and I havent the faintest clue what I'm suppose to say to him, or how to avoid any painful questions he might have. Oops sorry going through a tunnel SHSHHHHHHSHHH - oh shit forgot to charge my phone it's about to die, gotta go bye now! -- Yea uh-huh suuuure, totally believable right? And I can't ~NOT~ call, can't have him lying on his death bed thinking I don't care, I can't allow him believe that lie.

Gawd I miss high school breakups.

It also doesnt help that nearly every time I think about him I feel like Pavlov's bitch in heat. What the hell is wrong with me!?! I mean that's seriously pretty damn fuk'd up!! Yea that helps the situation about Negative 200 percent. I willingly went out of my way to go without for a whole 18 years before I met him, and now only 4 months later I feel like I can't go without? Really?? Ugh that's beyond pathetic. Way beyond. I truly wish I could just turn that off like a light switch it would make this at least somewhat less complicated and noisy in my head.

~~

So yea not really looking for or wanting any kind of reply/response to what I've written, just needed to purge myself of this. So by all means please feel free to observe the experimental bio-engineered creature just don't try to feed or pet it as it has sharp teeth and is known to be a rather unstable entity... And now on to our next exhibit, the last of it's kind an exotic 12 eyed cannibalistic Hydrozarrnaxian!!
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