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birdmad The time you spend with Teri turns out to be the best thing that has happened to you in a long time. She can be almost irritatingly flighty at times, but it's a good deal of fun to go out with someone and know that if you stop to ogle a woman who walks by, there's a good chance Teri is checking her out too.

You feel a little twinge of guilt for harboring such a puerile notion, but Teri was actually the first one to say it, but just the other way around. She also likes being around you at work because it makes Jack, the napoleonic little technician across the room leave her alone. The guy is two inches shorter than she is, and has an attitude big enough to fill the shipping section of the factory floor.

You don't begrudge him his shortness, just his nasty tendency to overcompensate for it by being a titanic asshole. Apparently, Jack also fancies himself to be quite the stud, but his success rate for the number of times he puts himself out on the line is appallingly low. You could guess that he's going for the sperm theory, millions of attempts, one of them has to connect. By process of elimination sooner or later somebody's bound to say yes (provided of course he can keep his mouth shut most of the time.)

Jack is the type who would get nasty if not only was he rejected but rejected on the count of his intended prey being a lesbian. The attitudes of a few people in the place make you wonder if it would be safe both from a physical or a job standpoint for that kind of news to get around.

Anyway, Teri decides that after all of the hype she's heard about The Works, including your feedback about it, she wants to go check it out and, of course, she wants you to come. You agree and so this Saturday night you are on your way.

You have managed, through more consistent effort to get back down to around two-hundred and eighty pounds and though you are still a bit soft about the waist, you don't feel as horribly self-conscious about the weight.

The two of you have a hell of an evening, showing up just as the DJ spinning the Alternative Rock-Pop mix on the dancefloor gives up the booth. DJ Markus Schulz comes in and the mix of grooves he lays out from midnight all the way to five in the morning keeps the two of you dancing and flirting with other dancers the whole time.

The evening doesn't go off without something of a hitch however, as Teri tells you that there is a woman who seems to be staring at you from a couch up on the balcony. At first, Teri gets her hopes up that she's the one that the woman is eyeing, but when she leaves the floor to scope things out, she discovers that the woman is watching you.

"I figured if she's got her eye on you then i know she must play both sides, and i don't dig bi girls, they always smell like dick to me."

"And how would you know what that smells like, you?"

"I'm older than i look and i spent a few years in the closet babe, trust me, Alex, i know."

Looking up to the Balcony, you see Zoe, and your stalking theory flares to life once again, though you keep it quiet from Alex.

"In her case, your right. And in her case, Teri, she'll spare me no detail about it either."

"Ooh...Drama!" Teri laughs in her not so vaguely southern accent, and even though there is a subtle shade of mockery in her voice, you can't help but laugh at yourself along with her. Be careful, Alex, like she said, don't go getting any funny ideas like falling in love. She's a charmer alright, but you already know that trying be anything more than just friends with this one is a whole new flavor of futility beyond the scope of any you have yet experienced to this day.

At four in the morning, about an hour before the club calls it a night, Zoe disappears. When you get home just after six in the morning, smelling of sweat and smoke, you find a message waiting on the machine.

Your birthday was yesterday and in the afternoon your sisters are coming over and making dinner for you.

You turn down the volume so as not to wake your mom, who has actually managed to stay asleep beyond five in the morning on a sunday. With the effects of this most recent bout of chemotherapy, she has not been as energetic as she was last time. Neither you nor she are going to church this morning, especially not since you are just getting in less than two hours before mass.

"I'd like to see you again, Alex," Zoe's voice on the tape, "I wanted to wish you a happy birthday and i understand after everything if you don't want to talk to me anymore. Call me, okay?"

Fishing about for a pen and a scrap of paper, you pause the pause the machine and press play again to write down the number she gives you.

When you see Teri at work on Monday, she asks you about Zoe and you warn her that it is a long, weird story and that it might be best if you left out the more screwed-up details. After hearing the part of the story you were willing to tell over lunch and hearing about the phonecall that greeted you when you and she parted company after The Works on Saturday night, Teri says you should call her, just to find out what's going on.

"I can tell you still care about her, and dear god, the woman is insanely hot, I have my own unfinished business to settle up with Marie down in Tucson this weekend anyway and i just got word from a better paying outfit across town by Tempe that they want me to start in three weeks, so hey, take a risk."

That night, after work, you call Zoe, doing your best to remain polite and keep some emotional distance. She is staying at Jimmy K's house and wants to see you this Friday.

You can't help but notice that there is an earnestness in her voice that you haven't heard there since not too long after you first met her, that there is some depth of emotion you had forgotten she could possess in front of you and it chips away at your own attempt at stoicism.

"I still love you," you tell her before hanging up the phone, and fool that you are, you mean it. It's why even though you grouse about it sometimes in your mind why you can't bring yourself to be too angry with her for all the times she's hung you out to dry.

Remember, Alex, that morning when she left you with Henry and Billy, she only left because you told her to. Admittedly she could have done something to help, but it was a dangerous moment that morning, and besides, when she did make it up to you, you were prepared to forget all about it.

Besides, Alex, think about this, think about all the insane, dangerous shit you've had a hand in, even for someone who's part of the game, you can't possibly be the easiest person in the world for anyone to get too attached to...admit it.

As you tick down the days to the end of the week, you wonder how long she'll be around this time and if her departure will be under the usual sketchy circumstances.

When you see her, she has talked Jimmy, who you have not seen in quite some time, into playing chauffeur for the two of you and takes you out in a rebuilt and restored vintage white Rolls that he just got his hands on at auction.

You are surprised that neither Zoe nor Jimmy are discernibly high in any capacity, In fact, Jimmy, who you thought was going to dissolve from all the chemicals in his body, looks healthier than you have ever seen him.

Zoe, however, looks more than just healthy, she looks to be even more beautiful than you can remember. For old time's sake apparently she has dusted off the ersatz Trinity uniform of green plaid skirt and white blouse that she wore when you were first introduced to her, and which she wore during that mind-bendingly pleasant episode in the shadows of Ms. Antonelli's pottery studio on the second floor of the main classroom wing of campus.

Her hair has grown out to shoulder length but other than that it is still the same perfect, natural black that it has always been, just the faintest hint of having lightened to a deep, dark brown at the very edges.

Jimmy takes the two of you around town, taking in the sights of the hills and mountains along Lincoln Drive and up around the Dreamy Draw before bringing you back to his house and walking the two of you back to the dining room where a sumptuous Italian meal has been laid out for the two of you.

These are the kind of moments you always hoped to share with her. The beauty of the desert at night, a great meal, a luxurious environment. All of this.

As perfect as all of this seems, in the back of your mind, you are still wondering: "What gives?"

Jimmy, has apparently made himself scarce, so no one complains when after dinner, Zoe initiates a bout of noisy, passionate sex that you indulge in in the hallway and in the guest bedroom where she has been staying, where she used to stay before. For the first time in a very long time, and for the first time since Cassandra, you can honestly say it feels as if she is not just fucking you. This feels genuine, this feels like something you had almost forgotten you could feel.

You don't stop to notice the packed bags lying on the closet floor, in fact you don't notice them until the next morning as the two of you step from the shower and as you are putting last night's clothes back on, she is taking an outfit out of a small duffel bag and leaving the skirt and blouse where they lay on the floor.

When she asks you if you can drive her to the airport, you realize that this really was too good to be true, but you aren't upset. You realize that even if it was just for one moment, she at least cared enough to lnd you the illusion of a perfect night.

When you get her to Terminal four, you get there just a few minutes ahead of a boarding call for her flight back to Detroit. She gives you a kiss and a smile as she steps through the jetway and she says, "I guess this is the part where we say goodbye, Alex. I wish i could say back to you what you want to hear, but it's just not something i can do."

The feeling that overtakes you defies any sort of description. You spend the rest of the day and nearly a whole tank of gas driving aimlessly around the city, not knowing whether to laugh or cry.
030527
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celestias _shadow turn, pose, and smile
very good
now tilt your head, and smile
nice
you're doing great
*click*
only one more
then you can go
030723
...
birdmad jesus, has it really been seven years since i wrote this? 100524
what's it to you?
who go
blather
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