billy_mckinney nemo McKINNEY, WILLIAM ALLEN 'BILLY', age 19, Monday, December 1st, 2003; he is survived by his mother, Debra McKinney & three brothers, Tom, Paul & Nick McKinney. Bill had a great love and appreciation for music. Funeral service at the SCHRADER Funeral Home, 14960 Manchester Road at Holloway, Ballwin, Thursday, 1:00 p.m. Interment Bethel Cemetery. If desired, contributions may be made to Adopt-a-Stray, 14430 Manchester Rd. Manchester, MO 63011. Visitation Wednesday, 4-8 p.m. 031225 ... nemo I went to the cemetery, all that was there was dirt I went to his house, there was only his car I went to the clock shop -- it was just his ashtray I looked in his room... his closet was emptu I couldn’t find Billy today Billy, where’d you go? 031225 ... nemo Its hard to remember that we’re alive for the first time Its hard to remember that we’re alive for the last time Its hard to remember to live before you die Its hard to remember that our lives are such a short time Its hard to remember what it takes such a short time Its hard to remember to live before you die Its hard to remember --- ‘Lives’ by Modest Mouse 031225 ... nemo And then its like he was never even here. Its December 23rd, and… that’s almost a month. Its like Billy didn’t even exist. But it seems as if every room I stand in that he should be there, and there’s not even a shadow to help us remember. Remembering some one who was never there. I don’t want it to stop hurting. I don’t want to move on. I want Billy to be with me forever. I feel like without his pain I will forget just how much he meant to me. His mom even got a tattoo. On his headstone she is going to write… “The world was never meant for one as beautiful as you.” Yeah… I feel like I want to write a book. Billy made a heart shaped box clock with a paper that said ‘everything will fall right into place…’ and I cant decide if I should get that tattooed on my back, or ‘its hard to remember.’ I’m not sure… but I’m loosing the little memories he gave me and I’m learning just how hard it is to remember. 031225 ... nemo why 031225 ... nemo i wish i would have been warned, i wish i could have gone with you... why did you leave me behind? 040104 ... nemo Month two… and a few days. Two months without Billy, who could even imagine? I broke down. I think I have to drop my trig class because I’m not going. I cant handle this stuff, I use to believe that everything happened for a reason, but I’m not sure I want to believe that anymore because the reason for this is undoubtedly not good enough. I cry because he’s not here. I cry because he never will be again. I cry because I will never see him, touch him, smell him, be in his presence. And then sometimes wonder if I was even close enough with Billy to be feeling or saying any of this. What if he didn’t even like me? What if I wasn’t actually all I thought I was to him, what if in life he wasn’t all he is to me now in death? What if I am fabricating our friendship now that he is gone? Rachel wouldn’t let Brian John or Lizz get tattoo’s of a heart Billy drew on a love letter to Ashley. They said it was okay for me to. Do they really get to decide what Billy meant to other people in his life? Do they really get to determine what those other people meant to Billy while he was alive. Okay, so we know that he didn’t talk fondly of Lizz and that Brian kind of sexually used him, however, who are we to judge some one else’s friendship. I believe although the heart was drawn for Ashley, no one can speak his feelings besides him, and since he cant anymore we are only left with the blurred and echoed memories that are slowly becoming transparent. I find myself wondering if he even liked me as a person. Gary said he always treated me so nicely, so innocently. But he was nice to everyone, how do I even really know what he thought of me. Maybe he hated me and I am sitting here crying over some one who didn’t care at all. Maybe I should be crying about the fact I forgot to tell him what he meant to me. Maybe I should sit here and hate myself I wasn’t good enough for him to take me with him, or for him to not want to leave any of us. Maybe I should hate myself because I wasn’t a reason to stay. I want to go through life and do everything he couldn’t -- here Billy Mckinney you will never see this band, you will never hold her hand, you will never see her nervous lips form swallowed words. I want to be everything he cant be to anyone ever again.. I want to love some one and be rejected, I want to be the drunk person on the couch, I want to be the clock shop employee with spiked black hair and sheepish grin standing in the corner waiting for tomorrow to end. I want to live the way he didn’t, and feel the way he didn’t. I want to find out that life does have a point and he missed his. I want to find out he is in a better place. William Penn said that for death is no more than a turning of us over from time to eternity. I want to know his cold hands and pale face are somewhere else… may a place where its not so painful for him to smile. I want to never stop feeling the pain. I always want to be slowly living, wishing to be painlessly dying, I want to be dissatisfied, my dreams ignored and unachieved. I want to be empty and forgotten and alone for the rest of my life. I never want to die. Billy Mckinney. Billy Mckinney. Where did you go? Has anyone ever killed themselves just to see what would happen? Or just to be with some one else? Or to be alone? 040204 ... nemo i cried next to your grave today, there were dog prints in the dirt. i cried on the way home too. 040224 ... nemo billy you have worms... how gross, they're comming up through the dirt. im sure they're not invading your box quite yet, but you better watch out - they're taking over. 040308 ... nemo i cried at home today, and then i smoked a cigarette. i cried some more when i went to see you, some old man stared at me kneeling next to you. i couldnt help myself, my head was flooded with misunderstanding and disbelief. man.. im so lost without you sometimes. 040308 ... nemo sometimes i sit and wonder what i was to you. i didnt really know you that long at all, even your brother said it always seemed like we were old friends... when i met you not too long ago, i felt an immediate comfort - you made me feel wanted. is wrong of me to feel this much because of you? did you even consider me a real friends...? i hope you knew i was never interested in sex and drugs, just some one to waste time with -- time is now something that i now consider somewhat more valuable than before. however, in someways it has lost all meaning for me. i finally got "its hard to remember" tattoo'd in your handwriting under my mouse the other night. people always ask me how is a mouse with wings my "billy tattoo" and i dont know maybe i should have picked something else, maybe i dont even deserve to have a tattoo in your memeory. maybe you dont deserve to be on my shoulder. a mouse.. for some reason that is how i wanted to remember you. i cant really explain it but i wouldnt have it any other way to tell you the truth. ashley says the handwriting looks exactly like yours, which means alot to me. i hope where ever you are you've found what you were looking for. i hope that you have found a place that you can rest, billy, you were never meant for this world. but who am i to say that? no one... no one at all. sometimes i like to think everything in life has a reason, a purpose, sometimes i believe it all to be random. maybe you were being a hero like in donnie darko, taking out all the bad things in life and replacing them with something better - something beautiful. but if anyone would have consulted me on the matter, i would have said you were more than enough to satisfy me. why did you let your brother find you like that? i cant get the image out of my head and i didnt even see you hanging there, i cant imagine what your brother is going through. why did you do it when you were on drugs? something that final should have been done sober, but i guess there are no real rules for suicide. dinosaur jr. rocks, thanks for the recomendation. 040308 ... nemo i painted my nails orange today. 040308 ... nemo because_its_so_hard_to_breathe 040325 ... nemo i slit my wrist today for you, i hope you appreciate all of it. 040325 ... nemo some one else died last night... i was closing my area of the store last night, and then tasha got a call that her grandmother had passed away. tasha left, and i got to close her area too... i didnt mind. i started thinking about you hardcore. i wanted to tell tasha that her grandmother went to a better place... that it was all meant to be in someway. did you know what you were doing? i just remembered something that was said at your funeral... well i wasn't there, sorry it was just too much, but some one had told me that it was said that god wouldnt have made you stay here any longer that you wanted (or something to that effect)... lately when im not high i can understand why you left. sometimes i want to go too... i dont understand why you left me behind, i took you everywhere with me and wouldnt have gone anywhere without you... im sure you noticed. i catch myself thinking about the time you spent hanging there. your mom told me because of your height you had to hold your own feet up in that closet, your brother found youru eyes wide open. what were you thinking.. what were you looking at. is sufficating painful? 040326 ... nemo if there is nothing after death, why am i alive right now? 040327 ... nemo i want to crawl into a hole and die. i wish i had some one to hold me while i cried, some one to tell me tomorrow will be okay. but... i dont want people feeling sorry for me or thinking i just want attention... so its better i just write it all down in here and hide my feelings from everyone around me. they all know billy died, and they have to deal with it too.. i dont need to share any of this pain with anyone i know, only here can i really express myself anyways... i dont know, i always feel like that if i tell anyone they will automatically assume that i just want attention or that i think im special in some way with any of this. my emotions are better kept in a tiny bottle inside of me. plus im always saying the same thing in different ways about all of this. no one wants to hear me repeat the thoughts that seem to echo in my head for weeks on end. i dont need to spread this insanity. thats another thing, people, im sure, allready think im crazy because i do have somewhat very dramatic mood swings, whether it be because of dope sickness (which does get pretty bad sometimes) or because of billy, or because i work 55 hours a week, or because im running my life into the groud... the list doesnt end and i dont want to take any of it out on anyone, but it hurts so much to go through this all by myself. especially when people tell me that they care and want to be there for me, and that they want to help... its hard rejecting that because i want it all so badly. i dont want to put anyone through "dealing" with me right now, im just not worth it (and i dont want to be told that i am). i do want to be told it will be alright because alot of the times i feel like i'll never