unhinged photographic_memory

you taught me how to
nod off
when things get tough
unhinged 'you
you got what i need
but you say he's just a friend
you say he's just a friend
oh baby
you got what i need'
POOF biz_markie ? 100329
unhinged valium
klonopin ( collanapin )
short dog benzes roll
beamers jet
and caddies keep on dippin
you keep talkin all that crap
i ain't trippin
unhinged he called me a week ago
and i shoulda_known
he had benzos in his voice
put me on hold

i hung up

but he's still the one m heart
beats for
when i hear his voice
i'm more excited

he put me on hold

i could hear the benzos
in his voice

and it reminded me
that it had been months
since my throat contracted
in the gulping motion of a swallow
around a benzo

til he made my heart beat
angry and alone

he was the last nigga
that made me want to swallow

(i'm allowed to say 'nigga'
cause i got it
according to more than one)

has a line
about couches and benzos

i hop on the bus
and have a danceparty
when i get home
smoking res
cause i don't have benzos
unhinged everything is heavy and slow
the bullshit doesn't matter
fuck those hos

'sorry; i'm a little bit ghetto'
no need to apologize
i'm half ghetto myself

been cultivating it with my sudden
deep interest in hip_hop
unhinged allow the reality_check
to become just another
motion in the dance

when my heart flutters like that
my body is trying to tell me something

something i shouldn't ignore
unhinged i tell you i don't think you should take any benzos
you stop talking to me

correlation ?
squishyfish squishyfish 101111
unhinged half my mom's family is on them

it's nothing a little deep_breathing and mindful_hugging couldn't cure
unhinged oh for_fuck's_sake 110122
unhinged it was bound to happen eventually 110215
lostgirl music
martial arts

alternatives to pushing the easy_button
unhinged (but even after all these years, and all this work, it can be so easy to surrender to that button

my throat contracts
in the gulping motion of a swallow

and there is blissful peace)
a clever disguise I remember lying on a bed in a hotel room in OK City begging myself over and over again, "Don't throw yourself out that window, don't throw yourself out that window."

It was like a bad trip more than anything else. There were some physical effects but the psychological and hallucinogenic ones were what were killing me.

I took one of these pills my doctor gave me. I had gone to her before the trip and told her that I wasn't handling work travel well and some issues in my personal life were triggering panic and anxiety symptoms ever since my daughter's birth. I didn't feel safe flying to OK City alone and thought I needed something in case I flipped out. She gave me the lowest possible dose for Ativan and told me to take one if I ever needed to, and I could take two if one didn't do the trick.

I took just one because I was afraid of what the pill might do to me, never having used it. I went back and lay in bed and for a good hour I could slowly feel myself coming back to earth, still angry at the stimulation of lights and the tv. Eventually, I was able to fall asleep.

I had to work the next morning in OK City with complete strangers, then get on a flight back to CLE and I had no idea what having this attack yesterday would do to me today, so I took two pills. I got in the shower and walked over to the office building. (OK City is fucking gorgeous, if you've never been there.)

I was loose and calm and happy and just saying "howdy" to everybody and thought to myself, this is how people get hooked on this shit. At points, the pills could make me feel depressed, but not an anxious bone in my body.

I made it home and through other dumb work ideas (like living in PGH for a year alone with my daughter) I had some other episodes. I think I took maybe 10 of the total 30 pills I was prescribed over that year. I was seeing a counselor and going through Cognitive_Behavioral_Therapy, which really helped me. I also started going to a U_U church which gave me a community and an hour of quiet reflection each week. Now, when I feel anxious, I know how to turn that shit off by just telling my brain to shut up.

But that takes time, of course. If it weren't for the assurance of knowing that no matter what, those pills would keep me from going over the edge, I don't know if I would have made it.

Post Script - Just before I hit the blather button, I thought to myself, you would have made it anyway, because you never would have left your daughter. And that's true, she is really what got me through most of it. Being a mother is a responsibility and a blessing, and I could never turn my back on that, no matter how hard it got. But, it could have gotten pretty ugly without therapy, work and those little white pills.
unhinged i don't think i woulda graduated college without them. one or maybe two; ive been there myself and understand.

a handful on top of any other residual shit in his system and he was a walking blackout that rang my bell at 4am or tackled me to the ground and pulled off my pants. some of the straight nastiest things he ever said to me weren't when he was shot up on heroin_ ; it was the benzos. and he didn't remember the abuse when he came out of it.

just dangerous
unhinged ruined us

it was the benzos
it wasnt the heroin_

heroin_ made you stupid
it made you comatose
it made you dangerous with a lit cigarette

the benzos

the benzos
you were such a fucking prick
you went right for the jugular every time

(ive since learned that people who have clinical depression have physically neurologically different brains. my brain is wired to notice every last twitch inflection and nostril flare. i hear and remember everything. you on benzos was like a bomb going off in the middle of my selfhate )

i shouldnt be talking to you
i shouldnt be blathing about it

but recently
we've actually been having real adult conversations about how we feel

you made some comment about how you use benzos responsibly now
after decades of heroin_ use your brain cant forgo heroin_ AND benzos
i get it
i know a little myself about brain chemistry and neuroscience
(at least you are trying)

'im not taking them by the hand full anymore. just one or two'

i lost it
i went off
im more likely to actually speak up after all these years
'do you know what an asshole you are when you take too many benzos? you say the nastiest shit possible. dont do that anymore'
there was a split second before you talked, a split second where you actually listened to me
then you just apologized
instead of backsliding

and i feel like it is momentous that we are finally interacting in a healthy way. not sure if this pathetic or victorious
unhinged i have such a taste for them right now

klonopin and gin
a slippery slope
of erasing
or maybe just

that for just a moment
the big weight pressing down on my heart
is lifted

(but then i drink too much gin
and it returns
almost crushing the life right out of me)

i have such a taste for them right now
what's it to you?
who go