sabbie i looked and i looked and i looked and i found you lied to me...

'whenever you need a baby demon' indeed. ( how_to_find_me )

i would snort, but its not ladylike, and thats something that we should all try to hang onto. society's dregs may be going to hell in a wicca basket, but it is up to the ladies to try to keep a standard to which other should aspire...

oh dear. now i have forgotten where i was. never mind, i shall sit here and wait for baby_satan to come back. joy? more tea. this cup has gone quite cold.
satan satan satan yeah, where is the little hellspawn anyway?

if he wasn't just my younger self and already damned anyway, i'd ground him

sabbie youre back!

where the hell have you been?
sabbie has anyone seen him recently?

god, tell him that we are pining here without him!
yummychuckle nah, I haven't talked to him in a while either. he hasn't been online... Maybe I should call him. 011222
baby satan i want a piece of your heart
so i can frame it
and set it on fire.
never stop
never stop
don't ever, ever stop.

the whole thing's gonna fucking explode, and nobody's gonna see it, and it's gonna be just like a game of pool with diseased cue ball fuck fuck ha ha ha ha ha ha hahaaaaaaaaaaaa.

all the vacant mooches and lying fucks combine and bring you this:

we're the future. we're IT. we AAAAAARRRRRRRRE. use and be used and using and users and use use use use hollow no feeling nothing deep ever shallow fucking use use use use.

satan satan satan Baby Me!

where in the HELL have ya been?

julia child has been begging for your job handling the snack_tips

i swear to dad, she's getting annoying.
yummyC i love you.

i really need u right now, i'm sorry i ahvent written
baby satan thinks youre lying yeah, right. you're funny.

another case study in what one allows oneself to believe, against one's best instincts, only to be confronted again with the plain truth that it's a whole lot of bullshit.

you don't love me, or need me, or anything me. dpm't lie to me dnoudenouednkasnedhfkusrlfgialtgfyyyyyyyyieeyiryiryiryiryiryiryiryiryiryiryiryiryiryiryiryiryiryiryiryirgrgffrerggyyrgregerrgrrrrrrrrrrrgf

i was gonna say it hurts, but i'm so used to it now that it doesn't hurt so much as it throbs like an all-shrouding goo. with everything else that's been going on, smiles and handjobs all around, she fucks with your heademotionsbecauseit'sfun yeah yeah yeah another one and another one and really it's better that you don't care but won't say it and just show it subversively, through avoidance and lack of words, because that's how they all do and always have and always will and if you were going to write you would but you won't so this'll be my party and we'll all devise a...hmm...that was enjoyable. not for those two, but for me. at least i know what i can do and how to do it and where and all that awe hey awe yeah awe schweize. opportunities abound. dance yourself to sleep.

last night was fun, too. but we won't talk about that. go fish.

"dance yourself to sleep". i like that. ha.

pushpins is my sincere name i dont know how/what to say what/how whatever whoever where.
but i'll say it, jumble it trip over it.

i dont want to be her, i don't want to be your reason for pain or excuse for drugs or excuse not to do drugs. I don't want you to hurt. I DON'T. I don't want to have to be everything to you. Its too much responsibility, i am fifteen! FIFTEEN! its this fucking chant, I'm sorry I'm so dependant upon that. I know my excuses are weak. I don't know what that means.
If I just lost you, just like *that*...I don't know what to do with myself. Just because I havent emailed doesnt mean i stopped caring. I do think about you...
i feel like thats the wrong thing for me to say, that the audience is on your side because I am the bitch who isn't putting anything into the relationship. Maybe I am. but maybe you didn't email me either.

i tried calling you a few times this week.

not that it matters, right?

{[three days and one thousand nights]}

and so I am insincere and i dont know how I feel anymore. what is going to be screamed about me? do I even matter that much?!

I'm not lying to you im not im not im not im not im not i am not. what i know to be the truth, what i know to be real is what i say and what i write.

so do whatever. forward this cry about this do drugs over this. its your life. I tried. i meant it all. i still love you.

whatever i did, whatever i am in your head will not change. once you beleive that i am a bad thing, it will stick. once you are hurt it wont stop with a few paragraphs. I dont know what to say to make things better, but thats all i want to do. and if its either intense love or enemy....I'm sorry. its your call. I don't want you to hate me or hurt because of me. or hurt in general. i don't want you to think I am just a bunch of lies.
i'm not.
god...i care.
SO STOP DOING WHATEVER FUCKING DRUGS YOU'VE ALLOWED YOURSELF TO DO because of my absense of two weeks or however long its been.

i made you a package of stuff. i was going to send it today with some other mail. but whateverwhateverwhatever because you dont hear from me i apparently dont think about you or care. i dont know what to do except self destruct.

ididntHavehalfthethingsyoudidididntknowyourfaceicouldntcrytoyourdontdoanythingbadtoyourselforilldothisididnthavethesecurityididnthaveanythinganythingbecauseyouwouldbruisesoeasilyandicantfeelbadeverandicantfightwithyoubecauseyoullLEAVE!icould never step out of line because it would be permanently over.


(*silently implodes*)
yummyC gives a fuck fuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuck

revenge? revenge???? what what the fuck? iots hurts becausre i didnt do antyhign that you could see!!?!:!{bd,khjask,
ndknjsbm bs
finefinefine you do what youw ant you do what you want I'm finding some heroin.
lunatic jesus Brother, wherefore art thou? 100109
what's it to you?
who go