ask_schleiffen_man The Schleiffen Man this is where you can ask me anything, and i'll answer tot he best of my ability. MollyGoLightly has turned me into a blathering idiot so I check the "who" page at least 20 times a night. All comments made are my own (unless someone posts under my name) and I take no responsiblity for the damage the answer may do to you or other. Do not bend, fold, staple, mutilate or otherwise desecrate these answers without my verbal permission or the advice of a squirrel, whichever is easiest to get. 000525 ... Brad Dear Schlieffen man: where might i find a giant skating rink? --Melting in Memphis 000525 ... MollyGoLightly Dear schleiffen man, How do I know if I'm anemic? --passing out in you know where 000525 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear Brad: The giant rink which you searchf or is to be found where there is a demand for skating. I don't know any specifics, except for that during hockey season you can skate at the Coast Coliseum in Biloxi. Signed, Me 000525 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear Molly: After searching and researching (ha!), I've found lots of information here (http://my.webmd.com/content/dmk/dmk_article_40002) concerning anemia. Good luck and eat more red meat. ;) Signed, Me 000525 ... the insanity of grendel Dear Schleiffen Man I didn't feed them or pay them any attention, but the fist_kittens won't go away and they keep pounding on my door "mew-BAANG!, mew-BaNG!" whatever shall i do? signed Dust Devil 000525 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear Dust Devil: The first course of action you must take is to NOT PANIC! Fist_kittens can sense fear. Once they smell it in you they will attack relentlessly. As for making them go away, you must confront them and be stern. You must tell them in a clear, loud voice to "Stop it!" and explain to them that they "Mustn't dood it" or else they will never develop a sense of morality. If you want them to saty, then hug them and squeeze them and pet them but don't name them George. They hate that. Signed, Me 000526 ... grasshopper Dear Schleiffen Man, Why does the Mayan calendar end in 2012? Why do mystics think the world as we know it is going to end? Are we really going to free ourselves and let our spirits soar or is there going to be some kind of event that wipes us off the map so we can start anew? Also, what kind of car should I buy? I'm thinking about a station wagon, hatchback, or suv but it has to be used, reliable, and under $2000. Thanks, grasshopper 000526 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear grasshopper: After thinking long and hard about your first question, I have come to the conclusion that the Mayan calendar ends at 2012 because they figured by the time we got there, someone else would have made a new hyper accurate calendar system to replace theirs. How wrong they were.... As for your second question, I would suggest a Chevy Astrovan, Ford Explorer, or Jeep Cherokee. I own a 1989 Chevy Astrovan that has run like a dream since my parents bought it new. For the four years I've had it, I've gone through 2 accidents and it still looks nice. And it's great for hauling things. I have a few friends who drive older Explorers that they bought used, and they've run well to my knowledge with one exception. We think the one exception is possessed. Jeep Cherokees, on the other hand, are quite nice. The older ones are a bit boxy, but newer ones have a sleek look. I'm probably going to go with a Jeep Cherokee when the Schleiffenmobile dies. Hope this is any sort of help. Signed, Me 000526 ... The Schleiffen Man I'd like to thanks those of you who have participated. Keep them questions rolling. 000526 ... The Schleiffen Man I'd also like to note that in that last post, I sounded like a three-year-old. 000526 ... Brad Dear Schlieffen Man: Why did my 1994 Ford Explorer catch on fire and melt with me in it? Was I the one example to which you were referring in your earlier post? If not, then you must take it into consideration. --Blue Blazes Brad 000526 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear Brad: I did not know of your experience. It will fall into the "Bad Explorer" category to keep Mitch company. Thanks for the info. Signed, Me 000526 ... yolanda Dear Schleiffen Man what were the skies like when you were young? who is going to be the next President of the United States of America? What's with three_words? You may answer two out of the three questions. From, AnotherOne 000528 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear yolanda: The skies, when I was young, were a place filled with wonder. Now they are where my future resides. Only the skies know where I'll go and what I'll be. And someday they'll share that with me. The next President of the United States of America will be a natural born citizen over the age of 35. That was easy. As for your last question, my three_words post was a product of braingstorming and brainfarting at the same time. The neurolightening sparked in the neuromethane and created a small fire that burned until I doused it with stupidity. As for the rest of the three_words posts, I have no clue. Until next time..... Signed, Me 000528 ... queenmab Dear Schleiffen Man How Come no one has heard of the movie "Forbidden Zone" by Richard Elfman? --Queen Mab 000529 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear Queen Mab: It seems that in this day and age, not too many people are fans of sci-fi musicals. No matter how many Elfmans are in them. For those of you who don't know, Forbidden zone is, and I take this from the IMDB [www.imdb.com], the story of "[a] French midget king of the sixth dimension, complete with his two battling wives and a slew of topless concubines, capture unwitting commoners, including Squeezit Henderson the Chicken Boy." It also features Danny Elfman (my favourite Hollywood composer) as Satan. All I can say is "WOW." I salute you Queen Mab. My eyes have been opened to another treasure of the human film world. Signed, Me 000530 ... The Schleiffen Man Also, since I forgot to mention it in the first part, I'll mention it now. The movie starts Hervé Villechaize. THat's right. It's Tattoo from Fantasy Island. Except this time he's kicking ass and taking prisoners. He also has memorable lines like "I loved to feel your nipples harden when I caress them with my fingertips." Until then, sleep sweetly children. Signed, Me 000530 ... The Schleiffen Man Another day, another dollar.... This marks the 18th day of my new summer job working for the government. I'm called a computer technician, but in real life I just do what they need. "Sweep out the newly evacuated offices? Sure." "Help move the office across the hall to a new room in the building? Whatever." So long as my paycheck hits my account Thursday night like it's supposed to, I don't care what I do. I am not defined by my labors. At least my paid ones. Sometimes I actually get to work on computers. I love working on them, but I guess their computers don't break enough for me to fix them all the time. Sounds like a sweet job to me. I like it alot. So I ask you, the tax payers (or people who should be), do you approve of me watching over the technological safety of your United States Air Force? 000615 ... Shar Dear Schleiffen Man, Eh? Sincerely, Shar 000615 ... The Schleiffen Man Judging from your reply, I assume you are Canadian and are therefore not a threat to me. =P 000615 ... klarchen Dear Schleiffen Man: 1. Did you know that today (July 1st) was Canada Day? 2. Tell me how old Canada is now! 3. What should I do about all the "simplistic wannabe rebels"? 4. Has my course of action thus far been effective in regards to that? 5. Why must everyone refer to me as "cute"? Signed, little kanadian girl 000702 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear klarchen, I did not know that July 1st was Canada Day because it's not one of MY federal holidays. =P I don't know it's age either, but don't feel bad cause I don't know the age of most sovreign countries on the globe either, America included. As for your simplistic wannabe rebels, try to teacht ehm the ways of your kindness and if they won't follow suit then, smite them. That's what i always do. Nothing works better to set an example than a smiting. Your actions are excellent so far, just don't take no shit offa no body. You're referred to as cute because you are, send me more pictures and i'll find more exotic words to describe you. Signed, Me 000702 ... klarchen Dear Dr. Schleiffen, Why is it that baby ducks are so damn "cute"? Signed, little kanadian girl 000702 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear klarchen, baby ducks are more of a nuisance than they are cute. They hold up traffic, add to noise pollution, and are a threat to our capitalist environment. Period. Signed, Me p.s. haha 000702 ... klarchen Dear Schleiffen Man: What should a student do if his/her professor thinks that one of his students is "cute"? signed, traumatized pupil 000702 ... klarchen ps: uber-traumatized pupil. 000703 ... The Schleiffen Man dear klarchen, if you're the traumatized pupil, just let the person know what's going down. be on the level with them and all will go smoothly. Signed, Me 000703 ... klarchen Dear Schleiffen Man, Do people in Mississippi have "accents"? Like do Mississippian people say such things like "y'all" and stuff like that? Since I am Kanadian I have really no clue when it comes to things like "accents". After all Kanadians do not have any "accents". (i think) Signed, little Kanadian girl 000704 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear klarchen, Unfortunately, accents strike apporximately 4 of every 5 people in Mississippi. Whether it's the Slow Southern Drawl or the fast hick speak, it afflicts 80% of the population. I have escaped this mostly unharmed, although i must use words like "y'all" in order to communitcate better with the indigenous peoples of the land. Some Kanadians have accents, i promise... if you say no then i don't know what you're talking aboot ya hoser. Signed, Me 000704 ... bownan note to schleiffen man; how about a 'Hall of accents' on the plan page... just a little sound file to accompany the bio... then we'll really see who sounds funny... 000704 ... The Schleiffen Man dear bownan, interesting theory, but flawed in general. we here in the shcleiffen plan are masters of disguise, hence our time travel missions always succeed. we can disguise our voices and be from virtually anywhere. Signed, Me p.s. remind me later to tell you about our adventures with guns'n'roses 000704 ... The Schleiffen Man pps. we also can't spell when we get tired 000704 ... klarchen Dear Schleiffen Man, Did you know that your plan is multplying like cute bunnies? Yes, your plan was the first to appear after a search engine search for "Schleiffen Plan" on MSN. Yes, it even was listed before the "actual" schleiffen plan itself. One more question. If I am supposed to be an evil villian, then what in the heck am I supposed to do about that? Signed, Konfused Villaness 000704 ... noone dear schleiffen man, why do birds suddenly appear everytime you are near? me 000704 ... The Schleiffen Man dear klarchen, i find it highly amusing that my page ranks first in MSN's search. many a history report will be tainted by my webpage, and that makes me smile. as a villain, what the heck are you supposed to do about what? just sit there and look pretty until i've pondered my next move. 000704 ... The Schleiffen Man dear noone, It's a side affect from my days as a biology experimenter. One day i was doused in highly ornithoptic chemicals that make me smell like fresh bird seed. To this day, i can't go to Central Park. 000704 ... The Schleiffen Man both of those.... Signed, Me 000704 ... silentbob Dear Schleiffen Man How can i pass the time, waiting for 11 months to end so i can finally be with my girlfriend in an unauthoritative manner? so we can be free, in other words. feel free to email me at bobbyevers@hotmail.com and/or visit my website @ http://www.angelfire.com/ia/silentbob/index.html 000704 ... The Schleiffen Man Dear silentbob, Your question is a doozy. Passing time is something I am coping with as well. I'm looking at a 4 year wait at minimum before I can possibly marry the lady I adore at the moment (should we last that long). What