ask_ashmanzhou
User24 what's your life story, feel free to tell me to mind my own business 031012
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as above oh, and what's your name mean?, it's intrigued me for some time.. 031012
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oE be wary gentlemen..stand at the very edges of the ring of fire..or let your muscled hearts be rended once you venture into this tale of harrow..I'm just saying..

i have scratched at that door..and been awed and had this obdurate sandpaper soul reduced to tears..i sought out ash's story..the seed of her sorrow, her state..and even those few adumbrative evocations ended all pretension of the intimacy i thought i had with desolations desperate dripping maw..bedlam oh such throttling bedlam taunted me from the edges..maketh my mind a maelstrom and marry me to madness those few guarded whispers seemed to say to me..

go easy ash..or perhaps i am too naked, too tender to be an audience to incarnate obliteration of a soul maybe..and then maybe i know nothing of what i speak..perhaps..the thread of truth lies somewhere in between my raptures of sweet desolation..my execrations and epiphanies hewn and hurled out of and into the dark..paint me a midnight shade..please..so that i might not be so..naked..in this Light..Child of Blight..

geez i get so carried away sometimes..my apologies U-24 and ash for treading into this space..
031012
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oldephebe been listening to Sarah MacLauphlins new song.."Fallen"..my God how she unwinds me..i wonder sometimes why my soul is shaped so funny, so softly...
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031012
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Death of a Rose Don't apologize.....there will be no apologizing....keep it going.....dump here where recycling can turn your words and works into butterflies.

Ooops....ask ashmanzhou....hmmm..are we busting you outta the joint.
031012
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jane did you get my address 031012
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ashmanzhou

mind youre own goddamn business indeed


i was born in northern china
not sure what day
before 18th april 1986
and adopted in july 1990
i dont remember my parents
i never saw them i was in an orphanage

nice childhood good fun and all
my parents always made a fact that
i was adopted like i had to work
harder because of it
i was school captain in my primary school
i went to a different high school
from all of my friends
i resented my parents for that
in the middle of year 9 when i was
15 we moved across town and i went to
another school
because we adopted a sister
she is from vietnam
i had to make friends again
and i met emma
shortly after that i got my stomach pumped
after a party
my dad went absolutely crazy at that
that year i failed four subjects
and got suspended twice
the next year i pulled myself together
enough to pass with reasonable grades
that december was bad though

it started when i got a letter
from the college my parents
wanted me to go to
i got rejected
i then raided my dads liquer
cabinet because i had no money
to buy for the end of year party
he found out and went crazy
and banned me from going out
'ever again'
the next weekend was emma's
eighteenth party
we had been planning it for weeks
i called her up but my dad had
already rung around
and she knew
she hated me for that
i hated myself for that
i had no life left
so three days later i waited
until my parents went out to a luncheon
for a wedding
and my sister was on an excursion
with the church youth group
smashed one of my dads razors apart
and tried to kill myself
i had everything planned
i had done everything right
emma came around
she had a key i gave her
she wanted to make peace with me
she heard me scream
she came in and found me
wrapped me up in towels
called everyone she could think of
ambulence police my dad my mother
her mother who was a doctor
you would have thought id been murdered
all i can remember is my dad saying
he was sorry and wondering why
everyone crying around me
and i couldnt see
emma never saw me again
her mother never let her visit me
i saw her much later
but she didnt look my way
spent christmas in hospital
doped up
had three operations
two on both eyes and another on my left
i regained my sight early this february
i never liked what i saw
for three weeks they never let me
see a mirror
my sister never knew what happened to me
she never really knew me
she was too young
i always wanted to love her
i went to where i am
which is fine
despite what i may say
it is a retreat centre
where rich people send the daughters
they can never understand
most have criminal records
and come straight from hospital
from failed suicides or the like or
from juvinile detention
i go to recession twice a day
and see a psychiatrist whenever
then emma killed herself
from what i know same as me
she waited til her arents went out
had most of a bottle of bourbon
and a bottle of her mothers
sleeping pills
while her parents were out
there had just been a suicide
at another school
it made front page and tv
she made bottom of page twenty four
she wasnt loved by anyone
she had a tiny funeral
her mother told my father i wasnt invited
my father told the mistress here
to keep me away
and keep it a secret from me
she was
cremated stuck below a little brass plaque
in the grass
not worthy of her
i was the only one to leave flowers
last week i went there
i broke my arm riding a horse
and refractured it again
at work
which sucks but i have money now
when i go out at day i keep
a cap low on my face
my collar raised
i never go out much like i used to
i have lost ten kilograms
since i came out of hospital
i am anaemic
i suffer from occasional lapses of scleral blindness
and will get another operation
three days after christmas

my name comes from my name (ashley)
shortened to how everyone
always called me (ash)
please dont call me ash though
and manzhou (or men-zheng if
you want to be traditional)
he is a brave man who spends his life
looking for the gate to heaven
so he could be reunited with his wife
but the bad guy tricks him
and he goes into the gates of hell instead
he sells his spirit for
one last glance at his family
but he is tricked again
and his family are brought
down to suffer in hell as well
but he never sees them
so in the end he realises too late
and suffers for eternity etc

i did get the address
i live a few thousand kilometres away and they dont let us make long distance
phone calls without parental consent
thanks heaps though
i have to go
typing with one hand is really slow
and i have to take my painkiller
031013
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Death of a Rose ashley,where are you, whats the address to this place? Do they let you get letters and packages?
Would you accept anything?
031013
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p2 i second DoaR's inquiry, where_are_you?

from the way you spelled calling_in_a_blather_favour
you're probably in a british influenced country
canada? australia? britain?
well, i won't be going to any of those places any time soon
but if i happen to find myself there
it'd be nice to know i can look you up, eh?
or at least send a card or something
eye dunno
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oldephebe well ash I know you are in a place of pain, if you have read any of my posts to you, you know that i do not mean any ill will yowards you..my riffs in the above post are not a caricature of you or supposed to approximate you those are my responses to reading your remarkable revelations..i hope that you will continue on the road of wholeness and healing..because i realize you are speaking out of a place of wound and pain i will choose not to be offended or take your words personally..everyone here is hoping for your re-integration..

peace...

peace..
031013
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ashmanzhou i dont lack anything
maybe friends i never had them
but not support

i rather keep people i know at a distance
i dont get involved in messy little
details which detract from them
i dont have to think of them
as being anything like me
you-all of you-are not like me
we are not all perfect fallen angels
some things are us and us alone
031013
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blah-ze jesus. that makes all of my problems seem nigh on irrelevent. i understand about working in a supermarket... god, like a way to get you down. i feel your pain. be well. tell everyone to be nice or uncle blah-ze will rock into town and paintball the lot of 'em. allow five to ten months for me to earn enough for a plane ticket to whereever.

hey, that's almost creepy. my birthday is on the 15/4/86.
031014
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User24 I'm not sure what I can say now, I wish I had another question, but, for the moment, I don't.

keep blathing.

feels this is an inadequate response, sorry.
031014
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monadh . 031014
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Toxic_Kisses what are some of your intrests?

Exampuls:
stained glass, ocianography, logophilia or maybe even entomology
031014
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pipedream what can i say...i am stunned beyond comprehension; i feel like such a whiny prat now..and i second 'phebes and also DoaR- can you get us an address? having something tangible other than a blue screen might make you feel better.
and i don't want to sound presumptuous or whatever the words is but i genuinely want to tell you that we are your friends, we won't get into the messy bits but we're there. :)
031015
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ashmanzhou whiny is usually what i get called here
i probably am
got yelled at
why i havent been on for a while
they found out i skipped recession
and snuck into the rec room instead
damn
she was mad
apparantly one of the girls announced
that she was pregnant
and the matron has to tell her parents
so she took it out on me
this is why i hate people
took a leave pass after work today
went to an internet cafe
and got a half hour
i ran out of sleeping pills
about halfway through my time
i was meant to have one not two
because i weigh so little
my new roommate smokes out the window
it makes me want one like before
except if i get caught ill
get yelled at even worse
and things are bad enough here
031019
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pipedream nasty people yellin' at ashley...*shoots them an evil look*
can we PLEASE have some kind of address? we'll all write to the evil yellers and tell them off and report them to AI :P
031020
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ashmanzhou my day went from good to better
i got my rights back to the rec room
i went through recession
without getting laughed at
my psych appointment was cancelled
my work was cancelled
because of a store closure for a new floor
my parents actually called me
and i can come home on weekends
and i got around to saying
thankyou to everyone
life is good
031021
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nom ;) 031021
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User24 is strangely pleased at this news. 031021
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Death of a Rose :-) 031021
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pipedream *has a big stupid smile on her face* 031021
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ashmanzhou i was crying at work today
and i dont know why
people were walking past and looking at me
and i just wanted to fade away

i seest thou as if shaded
staring somewhere at me
i cannot meet your eyes
thou should love me or hate me
no inbetweens
i want to know where i stand
031022
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pipedream crying is good...lets out the ickies (i wish i could cry). yetserday a girl in my econ tutorial was crying, head buried in her arms, i wonder why- i hope she's all right. 031022
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celestias shadow you're here
and we love you
031026
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pipedream *puts a little jar of misstree's potent joyous laughter puff-sparkles on ashley's bedside*

just in case.
031026
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ashmanzhou crying is bad worse than that
horrible
standing in the middle
of a growing circle of people
staring at me but not caring for me
wondering why i cry and if
they can leave without looking
selfish and uncaring
but they all are inside
one of them even asked me
if everything was ok
then someone came and took me away
not because they cared either
but because i was making a scene
sat me out the back for three minutes
and then i was back to it
lesson learned that day-
noone cares unless they have to
so crying nothing to the world

great weekend
went to my house-my house mind
not where i live but my own proper house
for the entire weekend
my sister was out
on an excursion for school
its her birthday in two weeks
and i got to sign her birthday card
i stayed in my old room
now its a guestroom
and they took down all my posters
but they left my clay sculpture
i made in art way back when
they remodelled the bathroom
in clean white tile
and extended it so it has a really
big spa bath
apart from that everything is the same
the conversation was forced
and i spent most of the time in my room
today i even gave my dad a hug
031027
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pipedream boy, these sparkles must be good stuff :D 031027
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ashmanzhou we had a big thing going on here
someone slashed her wrist while
she was peeling potatoes
and then pointed it at people
and yelled at everyone to stay back
and there was ambulences and police cars
everywhere and then she dropped
the knife and started crying
i felt sick
dinner was chinese takeaway or pizza
and people were even joking
someone should do it every day
so now instead of rec room time
we now go to counselling instead
my councillor is my supervisor
she expects me to talk to her for
half an hour a day and i can barely
manage five
she thinks i should paint
she asked me what i want for christmas
i didnt know what to say
031031
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pipedream ask for freedom.
ask for hugs.
ask for more rec room (read: blather) time.

give us an address and we'll send you something for christmas!
031031
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pipedream in fact, you can have *us* for christmas hehehe 031031
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celestias shadow *wraps self and pipedream in a BIG box with a prettiful red bow* 031102
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pipedream *tosses some special-edition christmas sparkles in a stick-EE stay (TM) cloud* around the box to complement the bow*

very nice, celestias, gimme five! this'll be a christmas to remember!
*celestias and pd slap palms as best as they can inside the box*

*(cloud of sparkles that lingers cloudlike around the box in a misty sparkly halo, very pretty)
031102
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ashmanzhou my arm hurts more today
then it has ever before
i slapped it on my lamp this morning
i got my painkiller bottle here

this sucks
saw a show on tv tonight
a man about to jump off a bridge
some guy stops
yells dont jump
the other guy smiles
the guy in the car asks if he is so and so
he says yes he is
the guy in the car says definitely not
to jump until he gets friends and beer
how is that funny
the girl who cut her wrist is back
all bandaged up
and making jokes about it
how is that funny

this is crap im taking some more painkillers
031104
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ashmanzhou two four six 031104
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ashmnzou eleven fifteen sixteen
thats the bottle gine
031104
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ashmanzhou all funny now heh
all so funny now
031104
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concerned ... 031104
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notme ?are you okay? (whatever okay is) 031115
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oE yes..are you? okay? 040212
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pipers i is worried for this one :/ 040212
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nom moi aussi 040212
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delial i've been wondering where you are for awhile now..and seeing this page, i'm really concerned... 040811
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u24 over a year since you last appeared.
i miss you.
041121
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. my_life_in_15_years_time 050204
what's it to you?
who go
blather
from