bijou it's funny how everytime you feel something like this it feels new. but it's the same feeling you have always had. in different circumstances. today it is that "i love you and i can not live without you." that is what my silly heart says. it has said it so many times that it has lost it's meaning and i try not to pay attention anymore. i am easily attatched to an unhealthy_obsession.

still, i cannot imagine anyone more beautiful than you. i have never been even slightly attracted to anyone with red hair, i don't know why, i suppose i am shallow about hair color? but your face reminds me of a movie, of a strong man with a thick accent and a huge heart. the way you let the smoke roll out of your mouth into the sweet air felt surreal, like we were definitely not in this place, in your house, on your girlfriend's couch.

you always think she doesn't like you anymore. but while you are up there on the stage with the lights shining in your eyes, i am the one that can see her, see her watching you. she wouldn't look that way at you if she did not love you. judgemental, marking every move in her head, yes. but she is still in awe of you, after all these years (three, four? five?). you still blow her away. her and everyone else.

"these arm bands are too tight."
"yeah, they're cutting off the blood to my fingers."
bijou tonight is more armbands, but this time we will all be together, on the same level, on the floor and not the stage. i can't help but think that i arrange my life around you. i don't think i would have quit my job. my credit card bill wouldn't be so high this month. but, hell. every show is worth it. and i can't belive you don't think any less of me after the things i tell you. if you do, at least you still call me and tell me when to meet at your house. this will be a good show. 011025
what's it to you?
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