are_you_happy p2 now? were you ever? i doubt it 050603 ... anne-girl today i am 050603 ... hsg yes, even when im not, forever_and_ever. 080620 ... z seeking happiness inherently defines me as unhappy. i find happiness along the way, in surprising and frequent places. it comes, i observe, it passes. 080620 ... clara yes 080620 ... hsg will your calm ability to observe also pass? will you again become a leaf_blowing_in_the_wind? are_you_okay_with_that? 080620 ... Lemon_Soda I disagree, z. You can have money and still pursue more. You can be happy and still pursue more happy things. 080620 ... z for me, seeking crowds out experience along the way. i am content with what i find. it is sufficient. i am convinced that not seeking leads to more discovery. 080620 ... z hsg: i don't understand your question. can you rephrase it? 080620 ... Syrope i bought myself flowers today. i can't tell why i'm so happy when it's so bright and hot outside. this morning i danced in the kitchen while i unloaded the dishwasher. maybe it's because now that it's the first day of summer, the countdown to fall can officially begin. i fingered my favorite sweaters this morning while i cleaned, and smiled, because they will probably be too big for me when fall comes. maybe it's because the latin lover i've taken has infused an appreciation for warm weather in me. the things he did to me last night put me into a lusciously deep sleep. or maybe it's because this weekend it might be stormy. officially-summer storms really are the best ones. but yea, i think i am. 080620 ... nom definitely 080620 ... nom by the way my captcha was from 080620 ... unhinged in the process of trying to heal myself, a lot of tears are coming up, but the weather has also made my smile uncontrollable today. it is like the sun is giving me a hug. i perfected my recipe for curry fried rice today. i used my face mask from lush. my violin is also loving the weather, soaking up the humidity and i've taken to referring to my violin as a her for the first time in almost 18 years cause she just feels and sounds so pretty. i finally have confidence in my abilities. gotta get that resume out. i cried today, but there is happiness too. i have learned to look for it. i have learned to see it. 080620 ... birdmad now_more_than_ever even in spite of the_terror_of_knowing_what_the_world_is_about (but never so naive as to say that i am completely so) 080620 ... LEMON SODA RESPONDING CHECK 081110 ... hsg z, simply this: do you, will you remember where you're at in all places/times? can you keep an_ever_present_satellite_perspective? 081204 ... z hsg "do you, will you remember where you're at in all places/times?" i read the above as "do i remain connected to my feelings in different situations and environments?". if that is what you are asking, then yes, i do. some people speak of a disconnection from their emotions, a lack or difficulty with integration. i can understand that, intellectually, but have never experienced it. i am one mind. i do not believe in a subconscious, so, for me, i am always integrated. "can you keep an ever present satellite perspective?" If you mean by this, am i able to sustain my level of objectivity, then yes. it is how i am wired. the connotation of the word satellite would seem to imply remoteness or disconnection. i would not describe myself that way at all. i am present in my life. relative objectivity does not equal a lack of groundedness. your questions implies judgment. then again, that is what we do, we make distinctions. 081204 ... that should be imply 081204 ... LoverOfLight Neither of us will ask it The best we do is to ask, "are you well?" The best answer is, of course, "I am not un well" 081204 ... () (i am happy now) 081205 ... unhinged it depends what you mean by happy. it depends what you're talking about. i'm ecstatic about my job these days. but that's about the only thing. i really can't figure out what i should do, whether i should just give_up and try to surrender at last to being alone. because most of the time, human interaction is just too painful. but then again, the few perfect moments can seem to make up for that. 081205 ... Lemon_Soda unhinged: If you would be so kind as to indulge me, what are you on gaurd against, and what have you come to expect, from relationships? In exchange i will answer truthfully and fully any two questions you may ask. 081205 ... unhinged i am on guard against giving everything away without getting anything in return, on people taking what they want from me even when i say no. i have come to expect that in relationships; people not listening when i say no and then walking away when something better, more interesting crosses their path. even most of my friends do that to me eventually. take from my dangerously open heart and leave when the hot bitch, better band....whatever lures them away. that was the odd thing about youngstown . probably because it was such a hard living shit hole, people took care of each other there. the only significant relationship i've ever had happened there, almost six years ago now. since i moved here, people only give a shit about their image on the scene and trash whatever is necessary to get ahead. so i've been a physical distraction for a few boys in the intervening years but recently i have discovered that i am not a casual dater. i need head over heels love at first sight heart and tummy flops. i need someone that i can talk to, that i can feel comfortable being myself around. and i need that person to not think of me as a sister or a stepping_stone . i need what everyone needs. i just seem to suck at finding it or letting it find me. how many significant relationships have you had? how long did they last? (oh and by the way friends are not good enough. i have plenty of friends. i am happy to love them and help them and whatnot, but i need someone beyond that. i'm pretty sure i know what a friend is and how to be one. i kinda need some practice at more intimate relationships.) 081205 ... Ouroboros alive and somewhat awake in this dreamscape 081205 ... no reason people seem to think it's intensely worrisome if the answer isn't immediately yes 100210 ... hsg I_AM when_i_remember 100210 ... hsg about_the_satellite i look(ed) at it as satellites still having communication wiTH Earth. therefore, i did not mean anything evenly remotely remote about it :-) i'm all about that, consciousness_in_two_places_at_once thingy. two_or_more... like lovers, you_know. 100312 ... no reason i wonder how it's possible to be happy in the midst of so much sadness 100312 ... flowerock. Yes, I_am_happy 160524 ... unhinged no 160525 ... hfse curse 160525 ... flowerock. Happiness fluctuates, but it doesn't go away. Right now I feel unhappy because my body doesn't feel good and has pain and I don't know if it will ever be well or healed... But I'm still happy really... 160526 ... birdmad Yes and no Caught in the weird Venn diagram overlap of vague, disillusioned boredom, being kinda okay with stuff and plummeting through a dog of outright existential terror that is arguably as close as I'm ever gonna get Yee motherfuckin haw 160526 ... birdmad vs the demons of modern technology FOG, I say goddamn autocorrect 160526 ... () (i do not seek happiness, because doing so defines me as unhappy. instead i seek situations and people that often go with experiencing happiness. like love, happiness is a verb) 160526 what's it to you? who go blather from