endless desire no trust
no hope
no sweetness in my life
no smiles
no words
no beauty in my eyes.
only tears and forgetten words and bloodstained shirts.
thinking of horrible things
ways to end everything.
mind so dark that i don't even recognize it.
i want to scream so bad.

there are reoccurring dreams of strange things. i am in another sort of world where everything is black. there's no up or down. you're just there. and i am sucked into a large metal ball. it reminds me of those plastic hamster balls my sister has for her pet. it begins to shake and i hit the walls and i watch the bruises and blood begin. and i laugh and say, this is my universe. and then i wake up. i've had it twice now.

other times i dream of taking my keys and starting the white van into action. i drive down bastanchury until i hit parks. then i go up parks, make a U turn and hit the gas. 50, 60, 70, 80. into the red numbers. i've never gone this fast. here comes the white wall at the end of street. cars are coming? no good. are you going to do this? this is forever. closer. oh my god. closer. shaking hands. here it comes. i scream.

and then it's over. just like that. i wake up screaming and crying and strangely disappointed.

and then i dreamed of new york last night. fairy tale romance. irony.

i walk all day. around my house in circles, mental breakdowns. i just collaspe and cry. in my room. in the kitchen. couches beds shoulders. i scream and they don't notice. so much anger. so much desperation. i have no where to go anymore. don't you see? i have no where to go. i'm so empty. oh god oh god oh god. i'm not holding on anymore. because i've got nothing left to grip. i can't even pretend anything will save me. what the hell am i living for?
endless desire let me ruin you. 031101
Road endless, i don't know if this helps you or not.

tada........see....a rabbit.... about a card trick?
endless desire oh so you're a magician too? 031102
pipedream *leaves a silvery frosted jar of hope sparkles with a liberal shot of misstree's laughter mix, pobody's nerfect's hint of spring sparkles, and a pinch of r.o's kangaroo sparkles for a little zing*

dose twice daily, or whenever required.

*puts a very big bear hug next to the jar*
growls comfortingly when squeezed.

i wish i could help...but you have to pull yourself together after a while and carry on, because nobody/nothing is worth prolonged breakdown. you'll only erode yourself with the salt water.
be strong. it's blimmin' hard, but you have to be because you're the only one who can put yourself back together.
im sorry you're sad.
Road on blather I'm anything you need me to be. magician, comfort, encouragement, lets get ready kinda person, besides you've helped me out although you may not have known it.

you have some hidden pd sparkles in you Endless, they won't go away unless you let them and that is a solution none of your friends here want to see happen.
smile its beautiful ever wake up and think - this is not my home - then realize you don't know where that home is. It' slike that talking head song - this is not my beautiful house this is not.. etc etc. sometimes, you think that you remember that feeling of home - especially this time of year - with memories saturating the air we breathe. This feeling - when your heart and head don't agree and your other organs aren' tbreaking the tie at all, all you can do is cry - and talk about it -and pray about it, because an answer will be forthcoming, patience is vital - for we have little control to exert, and what we have, if used wontonly can and will make things worse.
Even in the face of adversity you shine - especially in the face of adversity, remember to smile, because you are surrounded by beauty
pipedream endless has her *own* special sparkles in her, not mine...and you do shine, so much and so bright...i don't want to go on and on for fear of sounding trite, so i'll just leave another hug here, and a ready shoulder.
i hope you're feeling better.
pipedream after all, you *are* a revolution...and what a revolution at that! 031103
celestias shadow *sends wispy shimmering waves of blatherlove wafting over to endless.* *hopes it helps* 031110
endless desire i feel a warmth here that im not sure exists anywhere else. 031111
pipedream if we all met up i'm sure you'd feel it there too... *smiles*
blurple has a special kind of cosy, doesn't it..
what's it to you?
who go