abi silentbob A long letters long words poetic prose sexy dialog. Your eyes make me want to invite you onto my face the day with a warm smile and a hug and a kisses and kisses and kisses wake up next to you. Trying not to cast you as a character in my head because_the_internet makes it so hard to meet people actually. To love you honestly. Would that I could keep you a penpal in my head forever and never let you disappoint me and never let the ugliest part of me disappoint you. Keep me as a humble unreliable narrator telling you the things you want to hear. I would tell you to pretend we already know each other and but to prepare yourself for the reality of how it will be different in person. I want to read aloud to you, I said. I love your long shadows and your gunpowder eyes. I worry I couldn't love you in real life. Is it real cuz it's online? 140125 ... silentbob "I write to you in my head sometimes. Emails I want to send you. I don't write them down, but I do think them out. I never send them. I'm unsure if you'd like them. That's what kills me about all this. Trying to make a connection. Just putting yourself out there to this void of a screen, and then you meet in person and it's all judgement. Can we not do that? Why is this like a job interview when I don't even know what the job entails. I don't know how to you feel; how do you feel about all this? I'd like to just be straightforward. And if you take it, you take it, and if you leave it, we move on. This whole not-tangible thing though makes me nervous, I'm never sure where I stand." 140203 ... silentbob I texted you beforehand to tell you "Just a reminder, we are both normal people and not fictional characters the other wrote" you said "We will baseline be patient with each other." We sat across from one another at a diner on Belmont. I saw you come in and sit down and I texted you to come to the back, not sure it was you. You told you weren't nervous anymore and I wondered if I should be worried about that. Our conversation was flowing, the chemistry pretty good, polite laughter, nervous laughter, disarming charm. I did not see fireworks but I never see fireworks except in those rare exceptions and usually when I've loved someone for a long time already. Meeting a stranger is never ideal. You told me about grad_school, about growing up on Clark. About your intense occular migraines and how you need to go into a dark room and shutup for 5 hours. I expressed concern that this might be a worse problem as you age, but what do I know. I kissed you goodnight outside your lakeview apartment. You invited me to a party on Saturday and I think I will go. Because maybe I can stay after. 140206 ... silentbob the_party A warmth, a roomful of drying boots on a wet floor. A bed of coats. A cat named Beans. A party of couples. I brought Geoff. Geoff was witty and clever and sharp and made friends right away. I lingered in a corner and looked at my phone. We played catchphrase at one point, the people in the living room, not the people in the kitchen (you). There was much food; Cupcakes, cookies, chips and guacamole, chips and salsa, navy bean pie, hot mulled cider served out of a slow-cooker, and drinks to mix it with. The only thing missing was you. You were very good at playing host, taking our coats, making sure everyone had water, attending to each guest. but it seemed the more I tried to walk into rooms you were in, the more you would try to walk out of them. If this was a game where you wanted to leave me wanting, you won. And at a certain point (after we left your apartment, and after I tried to walk side by side with you and you ran ahead to the front of the caravan, and after we got to the sports bar) when we got to the table and there wasn't enough room for me, and when I tried to talk to you about it and you, again, left the room, I wondered if I was supposed to be pursuing you, or if you were supposed to be pursuing me, (what I realized was that we should be pursuing each other and we should be talking to each other, otherwise it is games and why are we playing games the second time we meet). It was at this point that I decided to leave. And I caught you going out and you did not try to stop me. But you did make a face, that looked like a disappointed face and then you turned and walked away. And in that moment I decided to ask you if you wanted me to stay, to have the conversation, to communicate, should_i_stay_or_should_i_go , and if the answer had been stay I would have asked you to sit next to me and talk to me so I could get more of you. But by the time I turned around said "Abi" you were gone and you didn't hear me. And you didn't try to stop me. And you didn't text me after. And I think I made the right decision because you should really be hanging out with your friends tonight, and not worrying about this person, this stranger. 140208 what's it to you? who go blather from