unhinged love_is_pain

i don't know why i keep expecting something different
no reason sometimes it seems like that would make things so easy but i wonder if it would make it impossible to appreciate things 100216
unhinged he has told me several times during the course of our relationship:

'the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results'
& what is it with guys and that saying? i can't tell you how many guys i've dated who have told me that when they're unsatisfied with their lives... 100217
unhinged (and yet for the_past_six_months i still expected something different, more out of you. silly me) 100907
sunsetblue what if the expectatation was suddenly, unexpectedly snatched away? every time i read what you wrote, i cry in a new unit of time.


i feel like the unsmiling, lonely nine year old on the bustling playground filled with other kids' explosive laughter.... expecting her best friend to arrive any minute and dream up a game to play...

but here i sit on the swing set, not moving....wondering what might have been.

unhinged i was the unsmiling lonely nine year old kid on the playground waiting for playmates that never came. mostly still am.

the beautiful thing about abandoning expectation is i can appreciate the reality of any moment, hopefully free of the past or the future.

i let reality get away from me at work recently and now am very worried for my job. chances are things will blow over and the whole situation is motivating me to for surely get the hell out of here six months from now. ( unhinged_in_san_francisco permanently...hell fucking yes).

but i am trying not to get caught up in the worry. the sun is shining in a cloudless blue sky today; there is an icicle hanging on the inside of my window, in between the screen and the pane.

since i'm alone, i can take all the time i want to stop and look at the beauty.

expecting reason out of unreasonable people is something i surely need to abandon. and now i see a light at the end of the tunnel....
a clever disguise i am learning that what i ever thought i wanted in life does not matter.

i am happy now with the total opposite of the life i thought would make me happy.

part of the happiness is that i did not plan or expect any of this. it just happened. and if i follow my heart and appreciate this new compass i will continue to find a smile every day.
unhinged expecting things to change is like watching paint dry. i will not be a passive observer in my own life.

Ouroboros i will continue to project all over the place and make massive mistakes during this "learning process" aka realizing how ridiculous it is to trust my mind aka realizing that i am always coming from my ego 120530
Ouroboros but i will not barf on my first client- keeping that expectation firm. 120615
unhinged you will be great s. all bullshit aside, I do remember thinking that after our thai and tequila. that you will be a great therapist cause you are a good listener and are so patient and kind.

but i felt the same way when i started teaching. eventually with practice the fear and anxiety fade_away and the repetition and training relax into skill.
unhinged once again i expected some return on my investment

once again i was disappointed
unhinged except for the expectation of
being treated kindly

by people who throw the word

i abandon bullshit a whole hell of a lot faster now. working a fulltime and a parttime job will do that. if you want to be a dick, go be a dick somewhere else.
unhinged .

(with_you they are quite the opposite of my usual expectations; im expecting an asshole and i keep getting a sweetheart. you have no idea how much i appreciate that.

i am fool enough to think that i possess my own projections

i choose to focus on my_smile_so_wide

thank_you honey)
unhinged i abandon the expectation that people will follow through

i abandon the expectation that people will act right
unhinged (maybe stolen moments and random bus encounters are all i deserve) 190504
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