_an_anonymous_journal_for_all_to_see Dreamer Ladies and gentleman! Step right up! Witness the trials and tribulations of a typical (or, as i would like to think, not so typical) 16 year old male...(soon to be 17 on June 23.) -------------------------------------- It's nice putting my life on display (or parts of it at least) I can pretend to be noticed...YAY! 050414 ... Moon Ladies and gentleman! Step right up! Witness the trials and tribulations of a typical (or, as i would like to think, not so typical) 16 year old male...(soon to be 17 on June 23.) -------------------------------------- It's nice putting my life on display (or parts of it at least) I can pretend to be noticed...YAY! damn....i should put this under a different name...dreamer 's been done... 050414 ... Twitch Fuck...i have underestimated peoples choices in names.... hmmmmmmmmmm this ones too cool,,,someone most have thought of it... Twitch 050414 ... delial heh, do what I do! click on someone's blather name, then erase their name from the url and substitute a name you think up, and keep doing that unti you find one that doesn't exist(yet). =P 050414 ... Twitch today was a day................ Ok...Gym makeups are given by a short (somewhat angry sounding) old guy name Mr. ROss...so (since i forgot my gym clothes one day, and i wanted to try and get a good grade) i came. 12 laps around the gym..... then Ross wanted me to wait...for a pretty girl so that we could do the next exercizes together 1 rite after another......... 100 jumping jacks:....I managed... 25 pushups: it was tough...but i did it) 25 sit ups: bad...but not too bad. 25 more push ups:ARRRRRDGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!! KILL MEEE!!!!!!!1 (i finally came to a point where i couldn't even think about the girl.. my arms wouldn't move..i tried as hard as a good and barely moved... Now as if god still wasn't being entertained enough...I let out a small.....well....... errrrrrr....i ripped one. I don't know if anyone noticed....(i hope not)..it could have been confused with a number of other noises. I finally finished the pushups...only to have........................ Another 25 situps: THIS Was Killer (though maybe not as bad as the push-ups) Finally! 25 alternate toe touches: These werent too bad... Me being REALLY thirsty and worn out when i did'em made them way harder...but still doable. DAMN...when i got home, I just CRASHED/......... P.S. I'm not a Really fat kid either...these were just really hard for me... P.P.S. here's some pix from myspace... http://profiles.myspace.com/users/14818845 (i like to pretend someone'll look :-) http://profiles.myspace.com/users/14818845 050414 ... Twitch work....shit........4 eyes cascading down,,,,,,,,mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm perpetual bliss ..................engulf.................... ctrllllllll alt delelleledl;safcasfapodsakdopsdsfjef maybe i wasnt meant to be here.... but then....was anything meant to be... please...i wanna be something....i really do........zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz --------------------------------------- translation: nite all 050414 ... Twitch Fuck.................. a D+ in Sci- fi.... The class seemed like a total joke.. techinically...grades arent due until Wednsday..there's still time... College?...I'm gonna have to do it.... just dont know how.................. I dont do any extracurecular activities....A's and B's seemed good enough...but the potential for this and a C in mathe isnt too promising....... I'll keep that suger-coated dream of "making it" in the back of my head...(with music) ooooo................someone said i sing good today.... but than i made a comment about how i wasnt singing good to someone else that day and they didnt stop me......I'm so paranoid.................................. weave weave SMASH ! ------------------------------- 050415 ... Twitch the 4th eye doesn't move//...not with me looking............................................................ But its ok I'll wait sometime yet again when GOd has time. ------------------------------------------Stitched my mout to an open car................................Got drunk at a 2 cent bar.................................... ------------------------------------------------------im tired but idk....i like doing this.........................................so remember its not what you do in life that makes you, it's what you taste.....................mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm 050416 ... iNsEcUrE_GoTh_GiRl hi twitch. i went on the link you posted. at least you know that one person is reading this. *smiles and waves* 050417 ... Twitch Awesome...someone read this. Thanks goth girl----------------------- --------------------------------------- 050417 ... Twitch errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr......................................went to a party yesterday........................................errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggg.......................it was (PG)................(Parents were upstairs)..........................ergggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg..............................I had my moment, played my guitar, and harmonica, and sang about fucking, Christopher Reeves.......Jewish people.........funny stuff....(My close friends know me as a "five minute God"),,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,..................................errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...................................cute girl(s)...............................................i flirted a bit..................................................................but in the end. i felt a bit like a loner 050417 ... Twitch drink from the cup..... their eyes are.... beautiful "Child knows what he's talkin' about" If they could only imagine.... Through omnicient vapors of water...and jazz......blazing with streetlights, and the warm smell of nocturnal departure from......shit....what is it.... That thing that bumps in the night.....you know......ya must......hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm/?? well maybe we're all puppets anyway///// --------------------------------------- errrrrrrrrrrrrGGG gots a report to conquer..... 050417 ... Twitch there's this prett girl i met at a weekend camp in upstate newyork... yea ill try not to get my hopes up... i mean i havent seen her since it (like almost a week ago) and probably won't for a while... Not that she's that far from me...it jus probably won't happen. i can pretend though... damn...right now there are children dieing, murderers killing, lovers fucking (not the most poetic word but it gets the job done ;-) ) and all i'm thinking about is some girl who i'll probably not even talk to in a year.... --------------- but hey............... thats life. -4/28/05 12:20am----- on a school night 050428 ... TWITCh Jamican men rummage through his belongings......4 and a half years... and this is where it's all gone... the poor bastard can't even walk straight..."i'm not drunk,,,,,,i dsofdfddj;fidsjf;dfg" he can't talk...he can hardly function...a third eye emerges from a vast sea of.. black COFFEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! mmmmm,,,,,,,,, Colombian.......... not that i car it just so.....so caffenated..... yea yea YeaYEA yEYAYEYAYEYA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ill drink to that! and to another child of GOd 11! -end- 050428 ... Twitch God loves us...---Remember the third eye.... Osiris is watching love loves lover loving lovingly lovely drink a cup stitch a tag in your arm so that all my know... Prophesize to the mountains (the don't listen anyway.) Dream DreamDREAMDREAM ill dream it to an end....and end it in a dream... Free to flip their halos from underneith the sun.......... --------------------------------------- SO i workk at SHoprite,,,this girl who doesn't even know me for ME asked that i not charge her for some Milkshakes... She doesn't like me (in fact I think she thinks I'm a bit of a joke) I didn't charge her...Peer Pressure I guess... 050429 ... Twitch 5/1/05 Essays and shit to do..... god smiled at me the other day...he had nice teeth...and a nice toupe.....thoroughly enticing. anyone wanna be my muse...? wake up, coffee, eat, get sad,get a little happy, sleep...DREAMING all the way through... i barely have anyone... I'm offff adderall... 050501 ... that dude i've been sick for about 4 days now, i feel especially shitty today though it seems it's just a cold - it sure doesn't feel like it. i have decided to change my life drastically - decided this two days ago: i am going back to school and this time i will become an anthropologist. right. well, that's the plan but as it turns out, i am not rich and so i can't pay for tuition (which is sooo absurdly expensive), therefore i have to get a loan from the government, the problem is that i already have a loan with them and the chances of getting another one are ...unlikely. i've decided to do whatever i can to get the dollars, so we'll see. ...what lese, oh yeah, still single and my cat took another shit on the kitchen floor, better go clean it up. 050501 ... Twitch wow...the journal has been expanded by someone elses stories..thank you sir... (I have an essay to do on the Patriot Act, about 7 pages...due tommorrow of course......) --damn 050501 ... twitch i hope im good at singing. im pretty sure im decent on guitar...and im good enough on harmonica...singing's different though... Even when i listen to myself...i just don't know if im really good or not... 050502 ... tWiTcH BLAH BLAND TASTLESS GONE ...........i loveu) emotions are fading fast.................................................................... 5/2/05 .... 050502 ... TwitcH 5/8/05 GOd teisted his head in a most familiar fashion....yes the stars are made of ivory but thats no excuse for the pastel colored heart leaking at your lips. She and I will fall...I doubt it can work..... WHy? Because i'm a lonsome fuck...thats why....YES I can Be the life of THE PArty and I have been....just yesterday I had a crowd around me in town...i can look back on those moments, and brag about them like the insecure fuck I am. But when it comes down to it I don't have many friends... 050508 ... Twitch Sunlight rises..... then sets.... its funny but...its still hard to brliev that... Sometimes it just feels like the day will never end...so far however, its ended everytime... but who knows- 050509 ... mp3 Sunrise, Sunset Tevye's exquisitely poignant song from Fiddler on the Roof, was written by Sheldon Harnick (words) & Jerry Bock (music) http://www.heavenlyharpist.com/mp3/sunrise-sunset.htm 050509 ... AND Webshots - Images of SUNRISE, SUNSET........ ... SUNRISE, SUNSET........ THE BEGINING Fireboat sprays water at sunrise. Crane in the sunset. Sunrising ... community.webshots.com/album/85766568ZdCCJZ - 48k - Cached - Similar pages THE END OF A GORGEOUS DAY ... 050509 ... Twitch I met a girl.....online ...please dont dismiss me as a loser... i've only done it once before... It's nice to have someone ....anyone... yea.. it's late... ishould probably get some sleep...... I love you 9remember9 5my5 3words3 1I1 9LOVE9 9YOU9 ! 050517 ... twitCH i missed this prom. Not because im a huge loner...which isn't to say that i'm not lonely, but because they didnt have a lot of tickets (only 400 for a class of like....well a lot. Wouldnt it be awesome if i actually "make it" next year...and the last song that they'd play would be mine....Dreams are fun...Reality is too limiting. 050518 ... unhinged i guess my journal that is blather is not exactly anonymous, but it's definitely here for all to see if they know how to find it 050518 ... awhitewalrus i didn't go to prom and my mom was sad i don't know why i had plenty of fun that night and everyone i know who went, said it wasn't great so either they're lying and it was awesome or i am missing some reason as to why it's so great and on another note i have been thinking recently about my personality as it appears to others i have never really cared that much before because i like who i am but sometimes i think about things i have just said or done and i realize that sometimes i am such a bitch i don't like being mean so why am i acting like a bitch towards these people that are my friends? do i think that it will make them like me more? i seem to have a great fear of friends deserting me. one day i'll wake up and there will be no one here for me. i don't know why this fear would cause me to be mean, maybe i am bitter towards life in general, maybe i am bitter that two of my best friends are dating and the only guy who likes me has a girlfriend. maybe i'm bitter that all my friends seem to be secure with their current life situations and i am not. maybe i'm bitter, or maybe i am just a bitch. except when i ask, of course they say i'm not, they say i'm subtle. what the hell does that mean? i am a subtle bitch and that's okay because people don't notice? i notice and they notice because they know my basic demeanor, and i tell them more than i tell people who aren't my friends obviously, but other people don't notice? for some reason that is hard for me to believe. i am trying to end this reign of hate, but sometimes i can't control it. it just comes out because that's what i'm feeling. i've always had a problem with keeping some of my feelings to myself, that is when i know what i am feeling. 050518 ... Twitch i dont drink much...at all...yesterday was an attemot... 2 and a half puny glasses of 12 percent wine than the bottle emptied...(i didnt get drunk.) Strangelyenough when i told my mom that i was just doing it to see what it felt like she wasnt angry. 050518 ... twitch ok ithink i got drunk today....no prom tickets sold out parents want me to hang out with kids from our church and wont let me hang out with my friend (cause they think he's not,,,,,well.......goood for me........................eeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr --------------------------------------- more news as we get it. 050520 ... twitch i got out and had a decent time that day................ except for when we were in a diner batthroom and my friend said to some hispanic guy that i wanted to take a pic of his balls...(i was taken a pic of myself with my phone at the time.) After the guy came out, he walked to our table and started with "you think i dont know english?" (he thought i said something instead of my friend.) but other than that it was fun... 050522 ... jane i'll be your muse 050522 ... twITch that would be great!!! (amazing how strangers can influence people...the internets cool like that (and a tad unusual)) 050522 ... jane what do you need me to do? 050524 ... iNsEcUrE_GoTh_GiRl aww damn, i always fancied being a muse anyone else need a muse? 050524 ... twitcH no MY MUSE! (hehehe) i dont know...inspire me....through out a seen...an image...so i can write a song or something 050524 ... Twitch lifes all about stayin on top.... here's to life....... 050524 ... jane imagine the white cliffs of dover, made of chalk, with the waves slowly wearing out their sides, and my body laying across the top, in white linen spread over the green grass 050525 ... smells like christmas tarts 6 days ago i nearly died 5 days ago i was thanking god i was alive 4 days ago i was in a state of numbness 3 days ago i was in pain 2 days ago i started worrying about my parents finding out yesterday i stopped worrying, accepting the inevitable today i was bored tomorrow i am going to go out and go crazy with my last few moments of freedom before they do find out and the dreamers' birthday is the day after mine- funny that :) i wanted to have a party, but now im going to be in so much trouble i wont be able to solution: go mental this weekend 050526 ... twitch No///..don't make me go/////////////// (i was supposed to go to a party tonite..........vin all the sudden said no.......in an odd way...its kind of relieving........... three isnt two unless u take me with you.......... tu habla GOD he's a wonder...a true american politician....... the Donald trump of promiswswswswswwwwwqw enufff izz enuff yo fo real!!!!!!!!dsaopjfdskgfghfd;lgmfd;lg lovelvelovelovelovelovelvovevleovleovloelvlovelvoevlev 050527 ... twitch Jesus Brok through the chasm... its all downhill.......from me and you and usssssssssss............ ......................................................... Holyy shit!. monster energy drinks are wicked good.................... (don't i sound like your typical teenager?).... wicked-who cane up with that..................? the new way to call something good is to call it relic...( Man that movie was way relic!) 050528 ... Twitch This thread is one of my big contributions to the blather_blanket. I gotta keep it here 050530 ... TwitcH drip drop 1 aclock time to run...take the gun... How come..........laffed Jesus's brother..................? because(said the irishmen) 84290489328392038290384204839084139084938493028429308 (ver.2493408394/3.353) tried to reply but couldn't.... --------------------------------------- More news as we get it... 050530 ... TWITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 6 11 am...This should get me up for the day...Now to type some energizing words....... w00t!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!YEA YEA YEA!!!!!!.... LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!HAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!DAMNSTRAIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!lolzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!1!1!111@w00t.w00t.comYESAYESA yesa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 050601 ... Twitch Live, die, get by....All to stay at the TOP~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~ 050602 ... Twitch stringeddream: hello aardvarkanne: hey ey stringeddream: i want to put u on my blather stringeddream: u r my blather buddy stringeddream: yesa, aardvarkanne: it's funny... you're in my "blather buddies" category aardvarkanne: in aim aardvarkanne: sure stringeddream: j0y aardvarkanne: *shrug* same name, is all stringeddream: there were four in four out stringeddream: not like before stringeddream: i love you stringeddream: break stringeddream: it stringeddream: off stringeddream: ....but not like yesterday stringeddream: that was grossssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! stringeddream: lolzlolzLOLZLOZLaaalala aardvarkanne: flying cows, eh? stringeddream: cuz me and the vibrant ladies of trifiltania were all dealing in the war stringeddream: Breatrh in stringeddream: Breath ou stringeddream: t stringeddream: _)TKF3:@ aardvarkanne: catch a purple polka dot on your tongue stringeddream: (@@@@@@@@@$(@)1-2204-40 stringeddream: thats it stringeddream: the sum of all Parts aardvarkanne: breathe copper lightning, y'know aardvarkanne: yes, yes aardvarkanne: ignite the liver stringeddream: god wasted it on me! stringeddream: but i changed the tide stringeddream: WHOS IN CONTROL NOW stringeddream: HUH? stringeddream: I SAID WHOSSS stringeddream: IN stringeddream: CONTROL! stringeddream: NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????? aardvarkanne: *blink* aardvarkanne: same person who always is aardvarkanne: She is. stringeddream: dreeam on back slash vertically to the core dream in a bubble die in the rubble... stringeddream: slatuate all thehat in tateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer tots aardvarkanne: dynamite aardvarkanne: donnie darko aardvarkanne: rabbt stringeddream: yers stringeddream: YES stringeddream: LOVE IT stringeddream: dream stringeddream: flfiod stringeddream: fods stringeddream: fk stringeddream: ds aardvarkanne: yesyesyes stringeddream: not now caosjk dovpfjpfkdodpsfkdfopfpodsfkdspofkOPKPOKFIPJFUCKJ DFUOFHSFJLJKLJCK:XJ"V"LKDSNMKLFFFUFUFUFUFUCKFUCVKLFGUCKGFUFKCUFGKCUFGKCUGFKCUFKCUFKCUFKCUFKCUFCFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFU stringeddream: ck stringeddream: lolzzzzzzzzzzzzZaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaA ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------why did i post this ///? idk..... why not? ???? (oMG DEEP QUESTION!!!!) 050603 ... anne-girl laughs merrily why not, indeed? 050603 ... Twitch My necks alittle stiff... Work at 3 to 10....arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg............ Who knows what the day will hold. 050604 ... Twitch reflect deflct tickle 050609 ... Twitch I'm tryin to live without thinking now...bezause when I think i get depressed. ....i took a fall on my bike 050617 ... Twitch I'm still alive to all who....well none of you know me anyway... I'm trying to finnish songs now...trying to live for something... but It's hard to enjoy life. 050629 ... Twitch damn...that last post was written so long ago.... and I've only written like one real song since then... I've gotta get on top of things. In other news... I met a girl yesterday...I think I love her... Me, my sis, her BF, and another girl from our church whom I brought (I'm not a church kid...she's just cool) went to the mall... As always, being the attention whoring son of a bitch that I am, I brought ny guitar and harmonicas. We were gonna see dukes of hazzard (idk how great it is....it's just something to do) and I saw an old friend. The other girl that I brought (from church knew another guy who was there...so it was cool. Anyway they were goin to the pool hall...(Except for the guy that that the girl i brought knew...hew had work.) Make a long story short... I invited her to come and she didnt... I went to the pool hall... fell in love with a girl (who has a bf...but the relationships bad) and got my dad to pick me up at like 12 00. (Both my parents were pissed that i didnt stay with everyone (specifically the girl) to see the movie...and i had to pay like 25$ for gas money...) YAY! 050816 ... Twitch I don't know about the girl... she makes me feel so second rate. (alrite...so we only met 3 times in the past 3 days) still, and this is hard for me to say...even online, she makes me jealous. I hate to say it...whatever. 050818 ... twitch the girl doesnt like me....i called her up yesterday night...she was drunk... and just kinda blurted it out. she told me she likes her old bf (whom she broke up with like 2 days ago and that she doesn't like me "like that." 050819 ... Twitch ok... im pretty sure her BF called me on the phone. It was some guy who obviously didnt like me...I played it cool though. I hope to god he IM's me so I can give out his SN and have tons of people fuck with him. 050820 ... Twitch I was down at the shore where,I had the pleasure of being a Five_minute_god as i have been so many times before. yay! ( Lets see if the people I gave My Screen Name to IM me.) and i also got a new Harmonica.! 050823 ... Twitch I tried weed last Wdnsday... NEVER AGAIN SHALL I TRY THIS... O man..I just turned into this lonely guy... The only thing I had was Jesus (Though I'm Not a real Christian) I didnt even pay attention to this world... I though i might die... errr.. In other news... I'm takin a pretty lady to the movies tonite... shes fickle ... but...i just cant help liking her. 050828 ... Twitch SO I took her out yesterday. I think she has my problem reversed...I almost never go out...(though when I do .. I try to make it a big thing and make a bunch of new friends) She seems tired of going out...and has the same friends almost every time. 050829 ... Twitch Well... It's hard...we love pretty far. (and I can't drive yet) She's such a bad-ass compared to me. I'm a virgin to just about everything...but in a weird way, I think thats part of why she likes me. FUCK...School starts tommorrow... I'm hoping that this year will kick ass...I guess we'll find out. 050831 ... Twitch Today was the_first_day_of_school and (needless to say, it sucked. I'd say more but its kind of late (it is a school night after all:-( 050901 ... Twitch Blah blah blah. School is bad. I love my Ruthie. All I need is Cigarettes_Coffee_People_and_Music . 050906 ... Twitch ok...I need a backbone. I depend on peoples opinions way too much...and the fact that I have no REAL friends only makes this more painful. I have two basic options here... Break down...become depressed (as I've been so many times before) or Be my own best friend and grow a backbone. The latter is what I want to strive for. People who really like themselves tend to make friends easily anyway (the very ones who don't need them) 050907 ... Twitch I Smoked in the Boys Room today! YAY for me.. Blah 050909 ... kelc Calre McWatt lives in a nice house, with a mean dog, a noisy bird and a fish she pokes just to make sure it's alive. and thats how far i got today. 050909 ... Twitch I've gotten nowhere. I've almost written no new songs since the first time I psted. I still dont hav a steady band. I did kind of have a girl...(but thats all too often the case.) ok...blatherskytes. How_do_I_improve_my_live 050915 ... Twitch damnit! it tried to be slick....but NOOO!!! I had to misspell my blathe. the real question I'm asking here is... How_do_I_Improve_my_life 050915 ... Twitch Sleep... Driver's Test Oct4. Life isnt that Bad. 050920 ... Twitch I love blathering from school... It's nice to know someone from the "Outside World" can still hear my voice. 050929 ... Twitch Blathering from school again! (same class too) Today should be OK...(If I type postively, maybe I'll feel better) In fact, today WILL be GREAT... It will be an awesome day.! I mean, come on, I'm Ben Kurtzer, How can i not love this life..? (this is really starting to help) I like to Type_positvely 050930 ... Twitch She's so much more bad_ass then I am. SHe does drugs... A LOT I don't...the last time I tried weed I freaked the fuck out and told my friend that I "wanted Jesus to have his way with me" (i thought i might die I guess) the effexor I was on could have caused the problem...or maybe it's just the way I am... I just don't wanna go through another tim like that again...and I'd hate for her to see me like that. ANyway...she's the bad-ass who has slept with many people and does drugs, and I'm the virgin guitar player who only smokes four fuckin cigarettes a day. She says she loves me... but how could it possibly work.? 051002 ... Twitch she_says_she'll_stop_doing_drugs_for_me .. If she would really do that for me I really think that we could make it. It bothers me to see her in a different world...one that is strictly in her mind... One where I am not. 051005 ... Twitch You ever feel like life is a movie... or maybe a dream... I dont really like that feeling...I want to Plug_back_in 051010 ... fal i feel that way all the time and wonder whether there's ever an audience watching me. 051010 ... Twitch Yes... Today...I'll try to stop that feeling... (i've never really set goals like that...) fun 051011 ... f this place is like painting a picture - there's no history palette 051012 ... Twitch I was reading something I wrote before ---------------------------------------- there's this prett girl i met at a weekend camp in upstate newyork... yea ill try not to get my hopes up... i mean i havent seen her since it (like almost a week ago) and probably won't for a while... Not that she's that far from me...it jus probably won't happen. i can pretend though... damn...right now there are children dieing, murderers killing, lovers fucking (not the most poetic word but it gets the job done ;-) ) and all i'm thinking about is some girl who i'll probably not even talk to in a year.... --------------- but hey............... thats life. -4/28/05 --------------------------------------- Funny... I havent talked to this girl in a while... Maybe I'll see how she's doin 051012 ... Twitch Alright... so yesterday I see some of my lady friends in the hall near the stairs... and i bust out my harmonica. Next thing I know this football player says "you do no that no one likes you because you play the harmonica, right?" Now... at the end of last year (during class elections)...I had gone up in front of the whole Junior class, said I am running for " Class_God " and played a song about my friend Billy's Mom (billy happens to be one of the " Cool_Kids " in school. Well the whole class applauded. Maybe, I am still a loser...but I can always look back on that... Man, What an asshole. 051013 ... twitch Damnit...I'm hungry. But...overall..I'm feeling pretty happy. 051017 ... IGG *waves* hope you're feeling ok. 051018 ... Twitch Got my license! Unfortunately, I dont know where anything is... (New Jersey's small enough...it shouldn't take that long anyway.) 051018 ... Twitch blah blah ... lets learn where things are today... lets be something today... If I'm goin to pick up my girl for homecoming, I have to learn where she lives. 051019 ... Twitch I'll learn... It'll be fine. (confidence is the word of the day ladies and gentleman!) 051020 ... Twitch Got lost on the way to work yesterday. Missed some turn and BAM! all the sudden I didn't know where the fuck I was. I called to say I'd be late and Ben (a guy who works with me...and shares my name) guided me through it. Damn...how the hell am I gonna get to Ruthie's house? 051021 ... Twitch My parents picked up my sister's boyfriend at a church...and they decided that I would follow them and pick up Ruthie there...so it worked... it was a decent evening... --------------------------------------- Alright... I went to homecoming, which basically consisted of walking around, finding the people that I know, and "dancing" (more of a mixture between making out, and moving my legs rythmically.) It was ok... left early...Drove to a dunkin donuts and a diner...(she had to help me get there) She's got way too many ex-boyfriends... and drug problems. I love her...but It's hard to not get down when she talks about all that stuff... I figure I'll stick with being her "boyfriend when her boyfriend's not there" and leave it at that. 051024 ... Twitch Wow... I'm noticing that all my balthes are...well kind of Emo. It's misleading...If you were to see me in my element you'd never think of me like that. Maybe deep down I'm just messed_up. 051025 ... Twitch and I thought I had problems before... Now I just got back from a car_accident... yea...the car's done... my mom's in the room helping me through it right now... she's too good for someone like me... nevermind...she saw me type that...and now she's giving me the ol' "Don't say that, your fine the way you are"...or something like that... but the truth is...I'm not fine...I barely care about anything...and it's a real problem...even this car accident was a bit too mild on me... what am I talking about.,.... It's gonna be like a month before I can drive... this does suck 051025 ... Twitch Alright... It's come to this. A Self-Analysis. I constanly feel like shit... Not all the time...but ..I don't know maybe it's getting better.. I need to bit the bullet of depression and stop letting it hit me... like a... a pussy. I never say that... but I think that's the correct term for how I've been acting. So what if I have a "Chemical-Imbalance" I need to break through.. --------------------------------------- I skipped school today. I was tired and I'm not used to getting up so early for the bus anymore (I used to have a car) I'll say it again... What a pussy thing to do. WHat I need to do is unpussify my self. Fight Depression, and this constant feeling of apathy. I Need to at least TRY and like something. Play a song and TRY and really get into it... --------------------------------------- For now...I think I'll finish pulp_fiction (iI just rented it...and so far it's been awesome. THen maybe I'll call up my friend and try and go out. Or organize my book-bag (It's a mess.) SOMETHING to Unpussify myself. 051027 ... Twitch So I snuch out of the house at 1 am on Saturday night... My sister followed me... Long story short...I no longer have internet at my house and have to blathe from school. 051031 ... Twitch damnit....*snuck 051031 ... Twitch Well, it's been a while since I've blathed. And amazingly enough, life still goes on. 051103 ... Twitch Well I'm slightly more free now. I can kind of go on the internet now. I just have to leave an assignment undone, and then ask to go onto the computer to finish it. The internet's back on! YAY! 051105 ... Twitch i just realized that going "YAY!" sounds rather... well, queer... it was a mood thing anyway. 051106 ... oren Yippee! 051106 ... Twitch Eating Ramen noodles and listening to five_for_fighting ... can't say I've ever done this before...kinda nice 051110 ... Twitch i think eating ramen noodles and listening to five_for_fighting is right up there with having a cigarrette and coffee. 051116 ... Twitch I need to fix my connection... starting here... Get_Into_Life 051117 ... Switch heres where it ends...and something else begins... I'll be someone...it's that simple. 051121 ... 123 how_do_you_prove_your_existence 051121 ... Twitch I don't know if I exist... Some things just hae to be assumed. 051122 ... Twitch This thanksgiving I'm probably going to be handing out stress balls in New York for some organization that wants to help messed up families... It's not out of my own free will...but my famiy's doing it...and my Grandma wants me to. I suppose I should be greatful that I have a family... but I'll probably just smoke a cigar and try to make some friends in the city. ^_^ 051123 ... Twitch Man, I want to move back near my old town. I went there yesterday for a coffee house concert and I realized how much I miss it. 051126 ... Twitch I was the one giving the orders at work yesterday.(for a change) It was just me and Delores (a new worker) so all the pressure was on me (as much pressure as shoprite can put on you.) I can't believe I finished everything. I've always been the young lazy one, but last night I had to, as Mario would say, "Kick It In." 051130 ... Twithc Words_of wisdom... Relax...Don't_think_too_much. Enjoy.. and Free yourself up! 051201 ... Twitch It's been a while since I've taken adderall, so I took it today. I feel like I'm finally free...Like I don't have to harp on what people think. I'm diagnosed with ADD...but the depression is what kills me. It's helping it a lot 051202 ... witch well..it did...and then I realized that it made my heart beat too fast... but now My Love affair with adderall has come into bloom again... 051212 ... Twitch well..it did...and then I realized that it made my heart beat too fast... but now My Love affair with adderall has come into bloom again... 051212 ... Twitch Man...Double_blathing isn't cool. 051212 ... Twitch Andn now...for my fellow blatherskites... a poem I worte a while back. "Coffee" Coffee, Hot, sweet cup of love Kinda like my girl, Only it isn’t addicted to drugs. --------------------------------------- I don't see the girl much anymore... but man...I love this poem that she helped inspire... 051216 ... andru235 very interesting poem, twitch. it made me smile, then gasp, frown, gasp, and smile once more. it triggered an emotional palindrome within me. 051216 ... Twitch Here....have another...courtesy of poetry class... Shallow My dreams were knitted in the parking lot of bowling alley. I could have said so much more, but I’m just not that confident. She was the stranger I kissed, And the audience I sang to. She liked me, and I know I could have had an impact on her. But no, I ignored the codeine she snorted and just made out. “Way to be shallow Ben!” “Way to be shallow…” I could have said anything…any goddamn thing. “Chill on the drugs” could have done. “Don’t snort that shit!” would have broken the ice also… But no…Instead I inhaled my words. She snorts her drugs and I inhale my words. 051220 ... Twitch So i went to this poetry reading at school yesterday (It was a chance to get extra credit.) I hate to say it...I really do....but man was it lame... about 40 kids showed up in the begining (not alot for this school) and near the end they slowly trickled out... I read 2 poems...tried to sing some songs... but, it was stale...way too stale 051221 ... Twitch I have to say...I've kept this thread up for a long time. It's rare that I stick to anything (except maybe smoking, and coffee) It must be beacause of it's simplicity... I don't really have to do anything other then type... who cares if what I say is good... Most of the people that make up blather are not very judgemental... and the others... I don't know... their fucking asses... (I never say things like that...... (feels kinda good...) Yea....but then of course...in saying that, I am being a judgemental ass-hole... I suppose the correct point of action here is to ignore my contradictions and say Fuck_it! and so... "Fuck_it!" 051224 ... Twitch Tony Danza cuts in line Standing in the sun I'm wasting my time Old school Hollywood baseball Jack Gilardi's ten feet tall Old school Hollywood baseball Me and Frankie Avalon why do i dig that song so much... It's funny...My other half doesnt really have any disputes about any music I like by other people... For a while I was a Bit of a Beatles_Purist. There was some other stuff I'd listen to...but the beatles were what I would measure everything by... Anyway...System of a down was on the radio...and I was really enjoying the song... so finally... I Let_go and now I really like them... --------------------------------------- anyway...on with "the_situation" I was invited to a new years eve party... (through my Five_Minute_God status I suppose) It's far...and I don't have a car...not that I'd know how to get there anyway. The plan is that I'll take off work early and take the train with my sister... (she wants to see her boyfriend...) I'll be picked up through someone, and she'll have time with Mike (her "Man") The problem is that My Dear, sweet parents insist I take the last train back at about 1 30 am... I'm afraid my instincts will not allow me to comply... I have an decent chance of getting laid, and a 100% chance of getting intoxicated. if I get there at about 7:50 pm (which is probably what would happen) I wouldn't have enough time to really enjoy myself. I can probably get a ride home later the next day...but mumsy violently opposes this idea. (Probably in fear of the reasons I want to go in the first place...) I mean...she knows I'll be drunk...but what would really bother her is any sex (though she'd never come out and say it) We're christians here...and sex before marriage= evil. It's rare that I go to a party...I'm not about to pass this up. --------------------------------------- ...ahhhh the problems of a 17 year old. 051229 ... camille I found this anonymous journal on the net... Ode to the Pile of Journals in the box beside my bed.. i pluck them out of order like teeth from a skull reading at random from life pressed between Brocade Chinatown covers and school notebooks spirally bound see this pile of paper? Here lies proof of all I have been witness this trail of thought eroding the hard mantle of my psyche leaving fractal canyons carved in these bones, my life each page a path a creak bed now dry through which my soul once ran as liquid streaming towards this future as mist streaming the past through some journals i have fled while others were each page savored despite an odd fear running counterpoint to the happiness a reluctant knowing that I must let go of happiness as eagerly as I let go of pain but why keep a diary i can only make excuses if not for one reason then surely another and when i gather these selves together we have a lot in common but we are not the same how many of us realize all the selves we have been? so many worlds are diverging on the planet now there is the hardcore urban new york where we live in concrete canyons i'm cold the gay community left this area and moved to the twenties actually many of them died in the aids wave and the survivors got the creeps renting apartments where the previous tenant had just finished wasting to death, it's so urban uh oh somehow i managed to spend 3 wks in new york without making money now i'm broke again and have to make an effort to not freak out & freeze up as I have a tendency to do back from cruz to the frozen desert saw some animal spirit dances at wayotola pueblo yesterday pretty trippy reminded me of tibet so high, cold, sharpside sun, womp womp drums rattles and bell dancers with antlers and feathers etc. sometimes this view is so depressing there is often one lone guy who goes around out there on that thing they sometimes call a river a kayak and it's like seeing a nightmare version of man and nature. they say he works on wall street though that might be urban myth *** found notations in notebook possibly found on snarg.net was interesting reading 051230 ... Twitch The party was great, and I came upon a bit of a realization...I need to get the fuck outta here... I can't stand it, I live in the sticks. It's just wat too rare that I get to do anything out here. Having fun with friends about 40 minutes away was refreshing. No wonder that I finally lost it yesterday at home. I totally just flipped a shit in front of my parents. Throwin shit, screaming "we gotta move"... I mean....it might seem a wee bit drastic, but to have so much fun with friends and then just come_back_to_nowhere... I don't know, this is killing me. 060102 ... Twitch It's funny... Blather has always been a place where I casually ramble in front of strangers But now, I'm afraid I know some of you (I'm talkin 'bout you anne-girl) Hopefully this won't change my blathing_style...endlessly rambling about my insecurities, Crying over stupid shit, And just blathing_about_nothing. ...but then again, that's what I'm known for anyway... I have no one to live up to but myself. And if I want to change suddenly...well, thats ok too. 060103 ... Twitch wrote a new song... maybe i should be excited but I_just_don't_care. "why?" you ask (GO ON ASK IT) I hate where I live... and the_girl hasn't spoken to me since I said good-bye in a sophisticated manner. Now that whole "blah_feeling" , that I'm sure you're all far too familier with, is coming back... 060103 ... Twitch Right now, I don't feel Blah at all. I'm afraid emotions are all to superficial. But then, what else do we have? 060105 ... Twitch no school tommorrow. Parents watned me to go to some teen counseling thing (Hey as long as it's during school why not?) i don't want to get that blah_feeling again...but I can feel it starting to creep up on me again. 060105 ... SHIT * The_No_Evil_Rule * No Evil... 060105 ... Twitch It makes sense, but I don't want to live in a box. I'd prefer to start by being more stable on the inside. But How do I get that? 060106 ... Twitch Yesterday... quite a day, in the life a_young_man_name_ben. Went to Westfield in my car. Of course, I had to drive my dad to pick up his car...and I followed him just to be sure I knew the way. Told the girl I'd meet her at about 3:30 Met some enticing people, and had my moment as a five_minute_god. We went and saw the producers...and did some edgy things...(Not a usual case) I can tell she wants to be like that...maybe she just never had the chance. Now because I don't want to keep on typing... We'll fast forward to the car. ... which i feel a bit guilty talking about... so I won't say much...except that there was no lovemakin...but it was definately in that ball park... and what made this so awkward was the lack of room...and the people passing by occasionally. and so...it really wasn't that fulfilling. 060108 ... Twitch mon_ami... I fucking love the way that sounds. It reminds of my X-men days... y'know...with Gambit. I'll try to use it a bit more... of course...if I use it now...it'll stick out a bit... anyway...I have a car again... accidently parked in a teacher's spot (I didn't know any better at the time) I figure I'll tell them it was an accidednt at lunch....so they don't get all pissy. Lets see... I had my Three_day's_grace so's I can get my tolerance down, and start taking adderall again. And now, I'm feeling pretty fuckin' good...(despit the fact that my grades are an abomination) Ahh well...I've been slackin' off so long, it's only fair that I start to fail. Of course, I won't fail...(this is just God's way of scaring me.) 060109 ... 16000 What's_reality... 060109 ... Twitch ah man, don't even get me started with a deep question like that. I'm afraid if I really took a long look at whether or not anything was real, I wouldn't be able to function. 060110 ... Twitch woke up at about 8 15 today... just in time to completely miss my first period. ALthough it's study hall...I already have the maximum number of absences for it...so I was freakin out a bit. Yes, I did still find time to have a ciggy... and no...I can't recall taking my nexium or my adderall. I suppose I should be greatful though... I talked to the attendance people and I doubt that this will have any real repricussions. but for now...my first goal is to get adderall...and maybe some heartburn medicine along the way. 060111 ... Twitch So...about an hour after I though that I didn't take my adderall it kicked in...so I must have taken it. Before this, however, I managed to get a pass allowing me to drive home (which I did during lunch) and get it. Not wanting to waste this oppurtunity I did go home... smoked a ciggy, heated up some wantan soup, let the dogs out, and took my nexium (which I had also forgot.) It'd be nice if we were allowed to go somewhere for lunch (I know a lot of schools do it)... but no... for some reason we have to stay locked up inside this building until that bell_of_freedom. 060111 ... Twitch Today was dull... a bit of a waste. Now yesterday was more interesting. Party. Well, first it was ice-skating... but the party was what stood out in my mind. Of course...the only reason I went is because of Adam, whom I know through work. it was fun... Drank a bit...played Beer_Pong for the first time. And later I smoked a little pot. It was only my third time...and it was ok. I wasn't like "Wow This is Great" but it wasn't anywhere near as horrible as my first time. and I slept well after. -- I need a steady crowd. I don't hang out with anyone in particular... 060114 ... Twitch I came across this John Lennon Songwriting Contest. They say they don't make any judgements on recording quality, but rather originality, melody, composition, and lyrics (when applicable) Maybe I'll have a shot... I should definately give this a try. 060117 ... Twitch Performance went spectacular...I accidently stopped after the first chorus, but then just explained "the songs way too long" haha...it was great. And now I'm off to play with a band in Easton...This should be fun. 060121 ... Twitch a blathe that I made before needs to be put in this journal...simply because it expressed what I wanted to say so well =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Twitch I was reading one of my past blathes entitled how_do_you_think_i_sing, and I re-read a response from Andru235. --------------------------------------- do you like how you sing? more importantly, do you like singing? what is more important to you, the joy music brings you, or impressing other people? are you a fan of the number 5,632.6341? if you had to pick your nose, right this moment, would you pick a crooked one, or perhaps one that was bulbous? --------------------------------------- I'm afraid that gaining appreciation from other's is more important to me right now than the music itself. I hate admitting that ...it makes me out to be a selfish bastard who uses an art in an effort to to boost his self-esteem. It makes me a pawn. And even if I had all the talent in the world...it would not erase that horrible title. I want to erase what I have just written but it would further prove how much I care about my image, even if only to myself. Don't get me wrong...I don't do a whole lot to fit in...I don't feel a need. I don't want to be like that. I wanna be the main event. And for some reason I want to be known as a good songwriter and singer. maybe pawn was a bad word-choice (though I still refuse to erase it.) I'm more of an entertainer who depends too much on his crowd. 060122 ... Twitch how can someone be happy? I can't quite trace it... I'm afraid that if I actually achieve my dream, it will only satisfy me for a little while. Maybe if I'm to be happy at all it needs to start now. Ultimately, accomplishing things might not really make me any more happy. But for now...I need to pass my classes. 060123 ... Twitch went out to the pool hall about two hours ago. It was a nice break sitting around sulking in lonliness. Kids from my school were there, and, as is usually the case, I entertained them and had the pleasure of playing with'em. 060124 ... Twitch Today is a nothing to do day... rather then feeling blah, I need to use this gift. I have to return a DVD...so I might as well stop bye a krauzers and get coffee or something. That'll probably lead to going into town a bit...and maybe seeing people I know. I need to finish my Spanish Mid-Term tommorrow (I have a 504 so I can take an extra day to do it) Of course, I take full advantage of this...and don't really do anything I don't know on the first day (which consisted of at least half of my Spanish Test) I'll just bring in some notes or something...and act like its another page to the test. I know it's not my most honest moment...but I'm not really lieing about anything. 060126 ... Twitch went to a party for my store yesterday. It was pretty fun...but then again it's rare that I'm around that many people outside of a school setting, so no matter what it was bound to be an alright time for me. Any uncomfortable moments of silence were cured by going out for a ciggy. 060129 ... Twitch where will I go...what shall i do? 060131 ... dipperwell Don't take this the wrong way, but you strike me as a social mangrove; someone whose foundation is at the passing whim of the ocean - the water being, of course, everyone else on the planet. You need the ocean to define you as a mangrove; to send you off in new directions, to lap approvingly at your shores, but never do you anchor your roots on your own terms; never do you ignore the ocean, never do you figure out who you are outside of the ocean's pull. So what I want to know - and I mean this with all respect and tact - is: Was there a defining moment when you lost faith in yourself and invested it entirely in others, or was it a gradual thing? And why does it matter if anyone knows you exist? 060131 ... Twitch a defining moment? I don't know... I suppose it was gradual. I used to be the cocky kid who thought highly of himself...(I'm talkin when I was like 10) I thought I was smart...and in a way I think I was right to think that. I had a gift with words... but even then...I entertained everyone else in class...I was "the crazy kid." I'll compare it to Sophmore Year in Highschool. This is when I started literally carrying my guitar around in the hallways, writing funny songs about the kids. They all loved it...and I suppose the more attention I got, the more I craved. Now it's my senior year and I've moved. It took a little while, but I've established myself as a bit of an entertainer here too. I don't know why it has to be this way. Nothing makes me feel better then a ton of people cheering me on. --------------------------------------- now for what i did today.------------------------------------ Went to an extremely cute girl's house after school to play guitar. To my surprise, soon after entering her house she wanted to smoke up. I had been there once before, and I didn't remember her like that (though she probably was...as she told me that she started smoking weed at 14. I didn't take a hit or anything. I explained that I had to drive and just lit up a ciggy. about an hour and a half later, as I'm driving to work...I suddenly realize that I'm high. She had smoked with mr in a smaller room and my tolerance is probably way down there. Still...why would it hit me then? 060201 ... Twitch ska? Well-Dressed hipsters "skanking" to a modern day punk version of swing? I went to one of these shows with some friends. And I loved it. Well...kind of...I mean...I couldn't really do the dance...but I'll learn. I also realized how much I can enjoy so many different types of music. Whatever song I here in a given moment takes up my mind so that any other song can't sound as good. (This is pretty much true for everyone though) ahh and the day before this I got drunk with some of my "far-away" friends nearsome train tracks. And I looked up this thing called Depersonalization... according to some wonderful website... "Depersonalization can include feelings of being: unreal disembodied unattached dead puppet-like robot-like like a lifeless, two dimensional, 'cardboard' figure' made of cotton-wool having mechanical actions a spectator " then there's derealiztion which the website "as: spaciness like in a dream like looking through a veil a sensory fog, spaced-out in a goldfish bowl behind glass withdrawn flat dream-like " of course...Everytime you here something like this...you feel like you have it... Though sometimes I really do get into this problem where ...Someone's talking...and all the sudden...I realize that we are restricted to a language...and that somehow I can understand this bizzarre form of communication. Of course after I think about this I really can't listen to people...I mean...I understand what they say but...I really don't hold on to it... I'm afraid it's rather difficult to explain. ...... whatever...it's dumb anyway...and I probably don't have it. 060205 ... Twitch How did I confuse "Hear" for "Here"? I hate embarrassing corrections like this. 060205 ... Twitch Lots of Snow... Didn't have to show up for work...and I probably won't have school tommorrow. 060212 ... Twitch Jammed with this guy, named Guy. We played at some cafe and had fun. He's pretty good...and despite his shy nature he has a lot of confidence that he'll make it. His tastes are a bit too restricted...a little too light, but he's cool himself. And he speaks Hebrew. Neato. 060218 ... Twitch Terry...the guy who makes donuts at night in the store that I work at died today... He was a genuinely nice person. I can't say that I knew him too well...but he always said "Hey Ben" In the jollest, kindest way. Thats enough to gain my appreciation. 060220 ... Twitch I'm starting to have more confidence in my RockStar dream. Played some open mics recent;y and had a great time. Oh and I lightly hit the back of this kids car in the school parking lot. I talked to this kid about it at my work...told'm it was red... He asked if it was an old jeep and told me that it was his friends car (a cool kid in my justice class) Turns out he goes offroading and hits dear anyway...so there was no real problem... 060301 ... Twitch Christian camp on the weekend...last weekend to for my highschool life. Got the ciggys taken away I haven't smoke this whole day and I'm ok...(they were legal to smoke there, the leader just told us not to do it.)I haven't smoked for the whole day and I'm fine. Snuck out a little bit and met two beautiful ladies, and tried to get hot water for a cup of noodles that some wonderful asians gave me, but ultimately failed (the guy just told me to walk the other way...no biggie. I realized that people are praying to air, and that I'm powerless to convince them otherwise. I went up to jam with the band on my harmonica and the female leader cried and talked about a prophecy that someone wrote about me ministiring through music (I remember the prophecy...but it really doesn't mean anything...I regularly try to jam with bands while their on stage. She was so touched, however, that I felt a need to show her some sign of me starting to believe. So I said something like "Y'know maybe God is real." gave her a hug and walked out. 060402 ... Twitch I found some happpiness in some chatroom thing. I've portrayed myself as a cocky, funny, incredibly charming guy that people worship. The cutest girl on the chat took a real liking to me and we had our own little private cam thing. But what does it matter? That's not reality. I'm just refusing to admit that I'm truely lonely. Of course admitting it wouldn't do me much good anyway. The guy who entertains the whole class can now go home to entertain some more. But what about after highschool? I can't rely on some people I barely know on the internet to give me real happiness, and to end this lonliness. Why is it so easy for me to entertain people but so hard for me to actually hang out with them? 060418 ... Twitch Haven't wrote here in a while. My free time is spent with friends and Mary-Jane, or with my lady friend. She hates my friends and Mary Jane...so it's tough... I mean yesterday when my friends were going to come with us to Applebee's she actually asked me to park on the side of the street and then ran away to her ex-boyfriend's house (I'm hesitant to call him an ex because SHE broke up with him like 3 days ago....and I think he's perfect for her.) My friend does drive very dangerously... and she saw him ahead... but still why run out of the car? I ran after her and mad sure she had somewhere safe to go...then go back to my car. 20 Minutes later (after my friends had to go) she comes back...in love with me again. The night ended with sex...and me dropping her off at her ex's house at a party. I told her I could never be her boy friend because I can't keep up with her emotions. I think that's why she wants me...because she can't have me. I always refer back to her ex as the better man...someone who can take the constant emotional changes she goes through. 060526 ... Twitch I swear he's insane... The only time he wasn't screaming at random people was after he did coke (to my disbelief). It's going to bloom into an addiction, how can it not? He's at his craziest when he's driving. Maybe it's because his dad is rich...and he can and has gotten away with a lot. But still... honking at everyone, driving on the wrong side of the road, and parking in the middle of a street to hump my car is just insane. The "mission" of the day is usually to obtain pot. I haven't written here in a while...i forgot how good it feels to put my life's events on display. 060705 ... Twitch And so tommorrow begins my college legacy. Hard to believe that I've managed to write in here this long. 060905 ... Twitch So I saw this girl in my English class for the first time since I was like 11. She was cute then, and she's cute now. The difference? Two kids and an apartment down in North Carolina with some guy. Bummer. Not just because she's taken, but because it made me realize that I haven't changed much. I mean there's know way in hell I want a kid right now, but I'd like some change in my life (preferably for the better.)She asked me about what was new in my life and I couldn't really mention anything. (except maybe a slight addiction to cigarettes.) Maybe I'll get a tattoo or something... or maybe not. At any rate I have a deep admiration for her. I mean going to college with two kids when other people your age are going out "partying" must hurt. She must have grown up quite a bit since I've seen her last. 060910 ... Twitch My mom wants to divorce my dad, I want to have someone who loves me, I've stopped using pot because I want to do well in school and I feel it impares my memory, so now I just drink. I have it good...I really do enjoy life to a large extent. It's just that I've been looking for substance, and all I've found is substances. 060921 ... Twitch That last line in that blathe that was part of a Mark Mallman song...just felt I should give credit. I fall in love too easy... Constantly fixating on her, getting so worked up about little things...and then getting even more worked up when I stop to think that she probably isn't worked up at all. Today was a good day for a bit of public_drunkeness. Talked to a few random girls made sure to get their screen names (our society treats screen names and phone numbers like trophies)...I guess I'm just trying to find someone to love me. No...not like that! I know it's easy to interpret that as though I'm trying to gain pitty...but I really do have love. I mean...my family loves me, as well as a friend or two (though we wouldn't call it "love") It's so funny how we always say we "want to find love" when we really want a companion whom we happen to find cute. Eh...the sleeping pills are kicking in now (I hardly ever get to sleep without something.) . 060928 ... marked . 060929 ... Twitch I'd hate to let something that I've kept up for so long die...y'know? Forgetting about this blathe would be like throwing out a journal, and I simply can't do that. For me to keep any written record for more than a year is incredibly rare. (With the exception of certain essential documents such as insurance that keep me under the watchful eyes of the "higher-uppers.") Organization is not one of my strong points, nor is having strong points. The point is...this blathe is an essential part of my history. In fact, now that I think of it, it may literally be the longest written record I have ever mustered up. Now I realize that some of the random words I blurt out in my early blathing may not serve as the most enlightening bits of thought that I have to offer. Nevertheless, they are bits of thought...and I'll take what I can get. 070316 ... Twitch I've kept this up for 2 years...might as well keep it going. So let's sum up my life thus far: 1. Got a killer scholorship. 2. Don't know what I want to do. 3. I've almost managed to accept the fact that my dreams will never be fulfilled. I suppose this make me more average than I care to be. 070515 ... L. Black Church Confidential: From a Flea's Diary by Dorothy J. Patrick 070516 ... L. uhhhh, whoops, not so anonymous. 070516 ... my name it means nothin isn't it a bummer when, after dwelling for a while on how odd and out of place you are, you discover that you're normal and then want to go back to that old feeling? maybe that's not what you meant, but I it reminded me of that. btw...from reading blather I think there's a lot more people out there who consider themselves loners than one would guess walking around the "real world." 070516 ... Twitch Hello again. 080908 ... formerly iNsEcUrE_GoTh_GiRl hey...... i just found this page for the first time in 3 years by randonly flicking through blather...... how's life? 081014 ... I I'm happy that I kept this journal. I can see how insecure and broken I was...and how that person that I call "I" has evolved. I'm not sure anymore, but I'm not unsure either. 090606 ... TheArtistFormerlyKnownAsTwitch I can't believe that I started this when I was 16. I was lacking a social life and wanted to have a place to hear myself talk. I'm 21 now - and I feel like I'm someone that I'm not used to being. In high school I lacked self-esteem, was husky, and aimed to please people. Now I'm on the rowing team at college, witty, and flirtatious as all hell. I've_become_the_kid_who_I_envied_in_high_school - but only outwardly. The truth is, the, majority of the people who made fun of me in high school were playing a game of social dominance. I did not understand the game at all and thought that they really were making fun of me. But there is no way that they were making fun of the actual "me." They were just making fun of how I presented myself. All this time that I was worrying how others thought of me could have been skipped had I just said a more creative insult while acting unphased. I've_Become_Attractive because I'm charming, witty, and good-looking. It's not a bad thing - I just never had these experiences before. 091016 ... TheArtistFormerlyKnownAsTheArtistFormerlyKnownAsTw Can't believe this is still here. My Magnum_Opus 111215 ... TheArtistFormerlyKnownAsTheArtistFormerlyKnownAsTw Can't believe this is still here. My Magnum_Opus 111215 ... TheArtistFormerlyKnownAsTheArtistFormerlyKnownAsTw I can't believe that this is still here. My Magnum_Opus. 111215 ... Benjamin Figure I'll keep this going. Quick Updates: 1. I went to school in Tampa and graduated with a degree in liberal arts aka pizza delivery management. 2. After a long spree of drinking among other things I have decided to stop (this includes my prescription to adderall) I now live in a sober home. I have not drank for 4 months and have stopped smoking for 3. 3. I work at a gym and habitually work out. Overall I'm in very good shape. 4. I still play guitar and sing on and off. I've gotten good and I really enjoy it. Sometimes I even sing when I work out. I've decided to go by Benjamin as opposed to Twitch. It may be common but I identify with it. 111221 ... Benjamin Holy shit - this things been going on for nearly 10 years. Can't believe I kept it going that long. I have grown into quite the young man. Still sober (after some screw ups) and fornicating somewhat frequently with different girls. I like doing pick_up PUA stuff 130512 ... Benjamin (Formerly Twitch) Can't believe it's been this long - it must be at least 10 years. I've gotten a job that has the potential to pay very well. I have moments of laziness that I want to get past. I'm damn close to living a life that I want. I've come a long way. I've gone from being lonely teen - to being an alcoholic teen, to being an alcoholic, lonely young adult, who still lives with his mom, To being a sober, somewhat lonely, young adult who lives on his own. To being a sober man, who's got an awesome job, has fucked pornstars - has some awesome friends, still living with his mom.... idk I've come along way. I suppose in one years time I want to move out and have money saved up. Also I'd like to have some knowledge of investment - maybe even have a relationship. 131027 ... Benjamin I want to keep this alive again. I did the math and it's been a little over 7 years. I've written some things here that I would have little recollection of otherwise. Today I'd like to kick ass - and work with a passion for what I want. I find that I'm usually in a good mood but I lack anger. Generally, this wouldn't be considered a problem by most - but I'm starting to believe that true passion is Love + Anger. So I'd like more of that. 131028 ... Benjamin Really Kicked Ass and worked hard yest. I'd like to make today the same. I have a vision of how I'd like to be in 5 years, . It's kind of like Don Draper from Mad Men, mixed with my uncle, with a bit more humor. It's not going to happen on it's own. 131029 ... Benjamin Really good day - and I'm clicking with a girl who I just talked with over the phone named ana. Cool 131030 ... Ben Life is really good and ok too. 131108 ... Once known as twitch It appears I've hit a wall. I feel some kind of chaos trying to consume me. I've been wanting to find God, meanwhile I'm just trying to get a bunch of girls to want to fuck me and seek my validation 140209 ... Twitch My how things change. God has been good. Can't believe I've had this journal for 10 years. I'm making decent money now, and have a girlfriend who's moving to live near me. I no longer live at home and I attend AA meetings everyday. I just want to be close to God (whatever ultimate Higher Power there is) and give my gift to the world. Also I don't think I want to post on here as twitch as I strive towards fluidity and consistency, but at the moment I can't think of another name. Ideas? 140804 ... Bear ( formally known as twitch ) I can't believe I've had this for as long as I have. This is easily the longest, semi consistent, online record that I have. A lot happened since my last update. Broke up with the girl, making more money, new city, new friends. My life is a balance of finding God, staying sober, making money, staying in shape, and finding women. Some of these things feel mutually exclusive. My heart still hurts and loves the girl that I was with tenderly. But this is part of growing up . All in all I'm grateful to have had the experiences I had brought me to this point. Life is good, and everything is as it should be 151104 ... Bear Back again - just finished my workout 160112 ... Bear It's been a while - been in a relationship with another girl - I love her. Having a hard time letting myself love. Somewhere along the line - I took being in love as a weakness. I'm all kinds of fucked up in certain ways - was just trying to go through this journal to figure out why - but I was in such a crazy, amphetamine-induced euphoric state all the time that it's difficult to make sense of anything. I'm just looking for reasons why I should end my own happiness - when life could be laughter, love, many children, 3somes, dancing, roadtrips...everything I enjoy. Come on Ben - love yourself, make peace, and enjoy this awesome life that God has willed for you. You're young, attractive, not struggling for money and, as much as you hate to admit it, you'rre in live. Stay with it. Stop limiting yourself. Stop telling yourself you aren't good enough in so many ways. You are. 170109 ... Twitch Through all of the nonsense and misspellings this has chronicled over 10 years of my life. I'm happy to have this and I'm happy to have had this site over all this time 170809 ... () () 170810 ... () () 170810 ... Twitch A friend of mine relapsed. I look up to him in so many ways. Really unexpected. Time for me to value my sobriety and let the I AMness that is GOD run through the illusion that is me. 170814 ... Twitch A friend of mine relapsed. I look up to him in so many ways. Really unexpected. Time for me to value my sobriety and let the I AMness that is GOD run through the illusion that is me. 170814 ... Twitch God - thank you for the life I live. Give me the discipline, strength, and integrity to boldly stand in love and truth, and to go after what I want out of life. 170821 ... Twitch A friend of mine relapsed again. He hasn't told me but I can tell. I forgot how cathartic this journal can be, how great it is to get the internal outside of me where it can live and breathe as opposed to taking up space inside of my head. My earning potential is at an all time high. I get excited at even the possibility of earning a quarter of a million dollars over the next 12 months. From a more realistic standpoint, that number will probably be somewhere between 100 and 200 thousand dollars which is still ridiculous to me. Right now however I need to stay prudent as my income isn't coming in as quickly as it was before (Hurricane's do that in this business I guess.) 170925 ... Twitch It's a fantastic life. Every moment like watercolor, slowly drying. And what a scene I am painting. 170925 ... Twitch The most meaningful thing in all of this is that life is infinitely meaningless. And it's so fantastic. Nothing I do and everything I do matter. And this journal has turned into my shrine - my attempt at taking some sort of purpose out of that. 171024 ... Twitch The most meaningful thing in all of this is that life is infinitely meaningless. And it's so fantastic. Nothing I do and everything I do matter. And this journal has turned into my shrine - my attempt at taking some sort of purpose out of that. 171024 ... Twitch Behold! Enter the greatest experiences of your life. Enter the fruition of work and sheer determination. This upcoming year will be my will molding this material and spiritual plan into bliss. Before it takes me back I will give my deepest gift to this Universe. 171219 ... Twitch Behold! Enter the greatest experiences of your life. Enter the fruition of work and sheer determination. This upcoming year will be my will molding this material and spiritual plan into bliss. Before it takes me back I will give my deepest gift to this Universe. 171219 ... Twitch I've been sitting at the mechanic for roughly an hour going through this journal. I can honestly say that I'm proud of where I've taken my life. Adderall coupled with low delf-esteem fueled a lot of frantic and wasteful thoughts. Nearly 15 years later, despite life's normal ups and downs, I've become happy, confident, and strong. I'm the man that I wanted to be. I spent a lot of my time in this journal talking about how I wanted to "unpussify" myself and stand on my own two feet. I've certainly accomplished that. I want to type in this more regularly. I've already put so much of my life here. 171219 ... Twitch I was watching some show about this 600+ pound drug addict. I kept hoping he would change but he'd have a good month or so and then go right back to his old behaviour. It made me look in the mirror. I may not be a 600 pound drug addict, but do I have any maladaptive behaviours that regularly hold me back? Do I keep going back to past vices/behaviours/emotions? Is there some karmic implications to mine and/or this inidviduals behaviours? Thoughts_to_ponder 171228 ... Twitch I had the oddest dream. Almost completely forgot it, but an ad on Facebook about how to save someone from a stroke reminded me. Funny how Facebook seems to seep into our consciousness, or at least mine. My grandma, whom I love and regard highly, was having a stroke. I purposely fell, and laid my body down, so that I would break her fall. It was at night, and I think we were in a parking lot. Somehow she wound up dying anyway. Not exactly the most pleasant dream, I wonder what it represents. Maybe I hold my grandma to such high regard, and love her so much, that I would sacrifice my own well-being for hers to such an extent that I dream about it. Or maybe I just need to lay off Facebook, who knows. 171229 ... Twitch New Year’s Eve - I just want a huge family. 171231 ... Twitch I can feel a cold coming on. With this new year comes a strength. I am a person who is strong, straight-to-the-point, Godly, and a fucking person. All I want to do is sleep but I can't right now. 180105 ... Twitch Sick - slowly getting better but it sucks. My goals are being actualized. I love my girlfriend, I love my family, I love myself. I know what I want out of life. I want blood relatives who I have a relationship with. I want an awesome place to share with those people. I want my girlfriend by my side while my goals are actualized. I'm in a good place. Definately have the potential to live an upper_class life. Now I just want to help bring others there and have many children to enjoy it with me. 180108 ... Twitch Sick - slowly getting better but it sucks. My goals are being actualized. I love my girlfriend, I love my family, I love myself. I know what I want out of life. I want blood relatives who I have a relationship with. I want an awesome place to share with those people. I want my girlfriend by my side while my goals are actualized. I'm in a good place. Definately have the potential to live an upper_class life. Now I just want to help bring others there and have many children to enjoy it with me. 180108 ... Twitch All is well - Really biting into my personal goals and life. 180110 ... Twitch All is well - Really biting into my personal goals and life 180110 ... Twitch All is well - Really biting into my personal goals and life 180110 ... Twitch Lot of triple and double blathing - mistakes. Life is good - tpday I was so brimming with enthusiasm that I could barely stay still. I see what's in front of me - the potential to fulfill my self-actualized purpose. 180114 ... Twitch Taking steps to make my dreams a reality. The only problem with this type of living is...what would happen if I reach a point where Iknow for sure that my dreams will never come to fruition. I'm certainly not there now, I feel that it's possible but - what if...? I really don't know. 180115 ... Twitch Life is beautiful. Somewhere along the way I find myself wondering What_is_God I try to stay rational, as this headspace/realm is susceptible to all sorts of superstition. If I simply define God as a power greater than myself - well then there surely is a God. I can think of plenty of things larger, more powerful, and much longer lasting than myself and my life. If I define God as an entity with thoughts independent from my own - who is interested in having a relationship with me - that's where things get odd and kind of "airy-fairy." I just don't know. I don't question the purpose of life. That's pretty evident from looking at nature. Survive and reproduce. I don't know the why behind that - but it's not really important. Is there anything else? Or are those our marching orders from God? 180117 ... Twitch Life is good. Business is great. People are terrific. The depths of dispair are where my roots did grow. I'm thankful for every moment that has lead up to this one. Yes this very moment: Watching Doctor Phil naked while writing in the journal that I've kept since I was 17. Nearing the end of all my paperwork, making money and deeply in love. Damn, I've got a great life. Self-employed, self- determined, and in love. 180214 ... Twitch Been on a real Christianity kick. My entire family is so wrapped up in this idea. I wish there was something that really stuck out. So far I'm not really seeing anything. You would think if one religion had a true monopoly on GOD, he would make himself really obvious. But that's not quite the case. 180220 ... Twitch Here I am. Another fork in the road. Seems like life is a big circle, the same questions going around past questions, coalescing, becoming stranded ropes, weaving in and out of me - forcing me into indecision. But we all have choices no matter what the circumstance. I broke up with the girl I was with previous. I didn't know such a union, such a partnership was even possible. But I have a mind that gets obsessive - and all I wanted was children - my own family - and that was the one thing that she couldn't provide. It's been 6-7 months and I've barely seen color. I make more money than I thought I ever could, have other women who find me attractive, but still feel like there is no wind underneath my wings. I'm looking for purpose but nothing is doing it for me. While we were together we talked to some lesbian couples that I could donate sperm to in an attempt to fulfill my desire to have children while still being together. One of these couples still wants to use me and I don't know what to do. On the one hand, as much as I can given how much I know them - I really think that they're a great couple. Loving, self-sustaining, responsible - all that stuff. On the other hand... The laws are vague with regards to child support. I've gotten different answers from different lawyers and it makes me nervous. In the midst of everything, I get the sense that the best advice I'll get from those closest to me is to ask for God's will. It's the such an ambiguous answer. They may as well tell me to stare into a Turkey's eyes and do what I feel the turkey would want. 190402 ... Twitch Waiting on the phone with health insurance providers. Fucking hell these people are so incompetent. I swear between this, mortgage companies, and insurance companies, I'm going to just start emailing invoices for my time. Such a pain. Breathe deep, love long, have a good Wednesday fuckers :-) 190403 ... Twitch Chad is a machine. It has occurred to me that most people don't have the experience of seeing what it is like to be around a millionaire - or a person who easily has the potential to make millions. I'm not as money driven as some - 6 figures is more than enough for me - even 60k could be fine. It gets to a point where it's pointless (to me). Maybe I'll change my mind sometime - maybe not. Anyway - this dude is a machine. I get up at 745am and work until about 7-8pm. Maybe I'll take 2-3 hours cumulatively. So maybe an average of 8-10 hours of work a day. Sometimes up to 12-13. This dude wakes at like 5 and he is STILL working (it's 12:11am). Something in that is admireable. That a human could so dedicate him or her self to a cause so fully is incredible. It lends credence to the possibility for mankind to accomplish all kinds of incredible feats. What is it that drives us. What is it that drives me? Survival? Sex? Reproduction? Money? God? Maybe a little bit of all of them. Pick a card, any card. Bet your life on it and enjoy the shit out of the game. 190405 ... dafremen If you can do anything, why pick a card? Why not play them all..and enjoy the shit out of the game? 190407 ... Twitch - Dafremen Why not? I think you bring up a really good point. Sometimes I feel or worry that some "cards" may be counterproductive. Survival and sex sometimes go in opposition of each other and an even stronger case can be made for reproduction and money. But maybe I should just play each card to the best of my ability and see where things wind up in the end. I worry about a lot of things that will never and have never happened. I was made acutely aware of this yesterday when I sold a car without going to the DMV. As soon as he left, my paranoia grew. "How is this guy going to fuck me over? What kind of liability am I taking on?" On and on and on. Absolutely nuts, I haven't felt that much stress in a long time. Towards the end they felt straight up like they were wasting their time and borderline disrespected I'm sure. The odd thing is that I had a that connected to this the day before. I was on my way somewhere on a bike (a nice neighborhood) and I/we (I feel like there were more people with me) got lost. We were close but in a bad neighborhood. A lot of black/ghetto looking people. I listened in and I heard one of the men talk about recovery. Suddenly I knew we had something in common - and that I could talk (can't remember if I actually did wind up talking) The person who bought my car had that same ghetto/black look (I don't mean this to be racist but there are black people who look ghetto in this world.) I talked about recovery briefly. 190409 ... Twitch I can feel a drop of sweat blooming into stress, blooming into bliss, love, god and all of creation. Behold! I am Shiva, arbiter of run on sentences, deliverer of exclamation marks, the one who deletes words, and paragraphs. Here I am alone with my thoughts - the motor inside of my head turns, grinds and excavates ruins of old permeable thought made into physical form as text. I'm not sure how to or why to keep up. Life moves so fast. I'm somewhere - and I'll probably stay somewhere. 190411 ... Twitch God (I_AM), Give me the strength to be powerful. To will and create a legacy which touches the heavens. To write songs which encompass everything in this heart. To make decisions with the precision and the power of a diamond cutter. Help me to awaken the you in others, and to better help others understand who they are. -Amen 190415 ... Twitch I would have woke you up but I love watching you sleep into me. Goodbye - this part of me may never wake up again. I miss the ocean - I miss the vastness and the expanse. My sunrise is slowly turning into another day. My heartbreak is blending right back into the part of me that forgets about death because I have to find my keys. 190417 ... Twitch God (I AM), I'm not sure about quite a few things right now. I'll trust in you like a child trusts a parent. The I AM has always been there as long as "I" can remember. And I've gotten through everything that "I" can remember. I AM is here for me. The tiredness, the longing, the problems, they all cannot touch I AM - only that vessel which can be and is purified time and time again. 190427 ... Twitch This moment - slowly evolving - extending its capillaries into the void - hoping to pull out something, anything that can help sustain itself so that it can grow. Why do you grow God, what is the point to the survival and reproduction of your children? Is there a point? Is having a "point" a human attempt to anthropomorphize God. I will trust "I AM" through all - it cannot leave me anymore than light can leave the sun. It is me experiencing myself. I AM THAT I AM. 190429 ... Twitch I can feel parts of me firing off that will help me create the life I want. I'm touching beauty, I AM bettering my vessel an the opportunities and options of my vessel. 190501 ... Twitch My sentiment, is lacking. My morals are flexible. My obsessions are limitless. Whatever it is I don't know if I want it. Why would the only thing that I care about in life apart from mind-altering substances be taken from me. What the fuck do I do now. I don't care - there's nothing - I'm a fucking twig falling down from a tree. 190511 ... twitch Another soul to plug everything. Eat until your full. Trying to be what I want. Trying to be. Lost in translation. Lost in the science of it all. 190512 ... Twitch When I decided to break it off I could feel it all rushing through me. The simultaneous weight of my words and the knowledge that I had the strength to tear my own heart out to pursue what I want out of life. And you can live that way. Without a heart that's fully connected to yourself or to another person. I'm finger- painting life with water color but I've got gloves on. I still feel, but it's altered. Everything about her still feels like home. Nowhere I go, nothing I do, no one that I talk to can make me feel that way. So I guess I'll wait here. I'm wealthy, smart, handsome, and kind of broken. It's almost summer and I'm still in love with her. 190513 ... Twitch There is an emptiness to this. There is an emptiness that didn't exist. And all that I can see, is the torn edges of my dreams. There is an emptiness to this. 190514 ... Bizzat There is an emptiness that is perpetual truth. I see your emptiness. Therefore it does exist. You are not alone in it. Even though it can feel as so. I am there too. 190515 ... Bizzar That was supposed to be written as Bizzar, not Bizzat. Sigh. 190515 ... Twitch What am I doing anyway. I just can't tell anymore. What am I after. GOD - I'm offering myself to you. The wavelength that is transmitted to my antenna. Where are we going here, what are we doing? 190523 ... ego hum Your emptiness is ours fully 190524 ... Twitch Gratitude_and_Goals 190530 ... Twitch Things are looking up. I'm looking up :-) 190531 ... Twitch Here I go. I've already thought of the text that I want to send to my ex girlfriend on my sobriety date. Somehow that gives me relief. My best memories are still together. But it's funny. I know in my bones that all people are simply reincarnations of the same "I AM" that inhabits and exists inside and outside of all things. It's all that same "entity" (for lack of a better word.) But man - in this world they appear so separate sometimes. It can be so easy to miss one particular "I AM." "I AM" thank you for being with me through all things. You are mine and I AM yours. 190606 ... Twitch Life comes and cums at me hard. "Don't let us get sick. Don't let us get old. Don't let us get stupid." 190609 ... hctiwt I miss her. I probably always will. In other news I am slowly starting that predictable cycle where I drown in pointless pussy. Here we go, searching for a family at 31. Fucking Hell, when I type that number it really sinks in. 190610 ... Twitch My dearest person who I'm currently inhabiting: Here you are - asking for what you want - what you should do. You've got to answer that shit on your own. I've given you this shot - you're here and you've got the worst case scenario...death. It's inevitable but that's really the ultimate consequence here. Outside of that you can do WHATEVER you want. So make some plans here. "ok cool - i can do that. let'se see. i want kids, going through this i can see that ive had a real desire to make music. that definitely excites me. Why? idk - it energizes me and makes me feel like im giving something back to the world So then really you're striving for a feeling. Why not just feel that now? i want the accomplishment. i want the change in the outside world. Who is the "I" behind that. "I AM" 190708 ... Twitch Every now and then my brain goes into an OCD mode with regards to morals. Should I tell this person that technically I allocated a portion of the time that I had invoiced for working that I spent 15 minutes talking to that girl from tinder now that I'm remembering it 2 months later as I talk to them? Should I let them know that I didn't wash my hands for a full "Happy Birthday" after I accidentally caught a drip of pee on my hands? Thoughts? 190710 ... Twitch God's_Will Is there such a thing? Is this our attempt to make sense of a being that we would otherwise not be able to? 190711 ... unhinged god's will is just unexplained/unmeasured science 190711 ... Twitch Could it be that we're just playing semantics? We're both looking for the "language" of the absolute, the true reality. You just call it science. 190712 ... unhinged i hate arguing semantics...people that argue little details while missing the greater point frustrate me to no end. i believe in truth unexplained by science. just because it hasn't been measured yet doesn't mean it isn't true. i have my own experience with the six_psychic_faculties , my horoscopes can be downright creepy at times with their accuracy and a friend gave me a deck of tarot cards recently that have been useful to say the least. but i also believe that much of the abrahamic religions are literally just more primitive peoples way, before the age of science, using superstition and myth to explain things (the creation of the world) and the fact that people to this day believe these things as absolute truth when it is clearly not and force children to learn their mythology as part of science just irks the shit out of me. there is no proof of the existence of god. a hurricane isn't created by some magical being in the sky. a child doesn't die from cancer because some sky wizard tapped them on the shoulder with their magic wand. 'just because you feel it doesn't mean it's there' the reason i am buddhist above all others is because shakyamuni buddha said to his disciples, i believe in his first set of teachings as a buddha, that we should not believe anything just because he said so but that we should go out into the world and prove it to be true for ourselves. my religion doesn't talk about shakyamuni buddha's will as the cause of my suffering. my religion says the fact that i am human and the choices i make as a human are the cause of my suffering...and my salvation. no sky wizard needed. 190712 ... Twitch I like that - I will see that the feeling that I got when I went to Buddhist temples versus Churches was different (and not always in a good way.) Less loving but also less divisive. It could just be the places that I went. I'm trying to keep it together - working towards goals. A girl that I've been casually seeing and being friends with is developing feelings for more. I hope we can still be friends without me pair-bonding. We can't have a future - I will not be with someone who has already had children. I want children and a family that my partner and I have raised together and literally left the love of my life to have them. This girl is older and already has had children. I like her but it will not work. 190714 ... Twitch Working out more and more consistently. Attempting to make my inner world and outer world filled with happiness and clear intent. 190717 ... Twitch Working out more and more consistently. Attempting to make my inner world and outer world filled with happiness and clear intent. 190717 ... Twitch Trying to pack what I can into the stream of life. 190721 ... Twitch The great illusion of mankind is that there is more than one of us here. 190723 ... Twitch Back here. I miss being there. Goddamn there's so many loose ends here. Land of Trump and leveled houses. Incompetent subcontractors and warring egos. GOD, all encompassing I AM, give me strength here. You have birthed all forms of human life (which are ultimately a reflection of you). (I AM) can most certainly prepare my brain for the workday ahead. 190801 ... Twitch There's some poignant stuff in here. I'm here. God - Grant me the deep joy that can flow into the days of others. That uncompromising joy that most people can't help but love and feel blessed by. 190802 ... Twitch I love my life. I want to live. 190805 ... Call this number and tell her to shut the fuck up ‭(443) 465-9392‬ 190805 ... Twitch Who's that - some backstory please. This blathe has largely been me talking about my life. Interested to see the backstory behind someone posting this. 190806 ... Twitch If you want to have a lot of the things that you want in this world you, by definition, will ALWAYS have a lot to lose. So while you should certainly focus on building a foundation for the work ethic required to bring your dreams into fruition, there is also a part that needs to become comfortable with loss. Abraham's sacrifice of Issac. Or, to quote the late and great Uncle Ben, "with great power comes great responsibility." I'm getting that more and more to some extent. Enjoy the work that you put in, because there's always the chance that that work will be all you have if it should fall apart, or if your life should be demanded of you. Ultimately I'm just inhabiting this machine for a brief moment. Why not enjoy the labor and the fruits. 190806 ... Fuck u America was never great and never will be. It should blow up 190806 ... unhinged if the rage and helplessness in my own heart is any indication, things are about to get really ugly around here 190807 ... Twitch I miss having a woman that I'm close with to open my heart to. God grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. 190810 ... Twitch Was down earlier. Sometimes in the mornings when I wake up before I can think I still feel that hole. Part of being human. 190813 ... Twitch Been sleeping in until 8 am more with the exception of Monday Wednesday and Friday where I get up super early and then take a power nap. I think it's healthy, I'm productive enough during the day and generally work 8-12 hours. 190815 ... Twitch I'll go to Church today - it's generally not my go to but a client goes so I'll check it out again. It's always so interesting for me to watch these people ranting and raving over a reality that they have never seen. It's crazy how something with no actual basis causes them to do so much 190818 ... Twitch Happy to have had this journal all this time. 190903 ... Twitch Another day, another opportunity. As my old friend Neal would say (not sure why but it makes me laugh) "Make it a good one guys." 190904 ... Twitch Here I am Lord. When I stand in the silence of the I AM, there's never the momentary satisfaction of a specific set of next steps. There's never a clear "next step." Nothing is right or wrong, everything simply is and my existence is the acceptance of what is. But maybe that silence is the answer I've been looking for my whole life. Maybe there is no "perfect action" and any action at all is perfection by it's sheer existence. I'm here Lord do with me what you will. This Universe up until this point has lead up to itself experiencing whatever I choose. When I'm really in that spot of uncertainty, when I really don't know if I've made the right decision, that's when I lean into you - into "I AM." 190920 ... Twitch The greatest aspect for life is that there is no meaning to it and it does not require a meaning. It is the pettiness of a person's mind that causes them to seek a meaning, because they will psychologically feel disconnected with life without one. The purpose of my life is to live and to live fully. 190922 ... Twitch The necrosis of 1000 suns. I'm leveled. Completely dissonant. There's no place outside of this. No place is the only place that I can be sometimes and no-times. 200123 ... TWITCH Soft and steady, lukewarm and altogether terrific. I love you more and more each day. There's nothing to be afraid of. You're just me, clothed in different light. 200125 ... Twitch It's getting harder and harder to find this page. I've been molding my life more and more into this. This eternal moment. Calling Billy seeing what's going on. Hooking up with that chick last night. Working on my body - trying to make sure everything is ok and doing what I can to make this vessel a temple. אֶהְיֶה אֲשֶׁר אֶהְיֶה - has given this form - I'll try to maintain it like a garden. And in the meantime Maya is playing my heart strings. God she has such a way about her. When she takes the form of my memories about my ex the melodies could make me cry. 200202 ... twitch I think I'm going to start writing poems here every now and then. 200203 ... Twitch Maya: (Beth) That whole relationship was a sun setting on itself. Maya, in all of your incarnations this one did me in the most. The meaning that I have given this relationship has defined what I'm aspiring to. You are what I want in a partner, in a mother, lover, and friend. It's too bad you could not give me the most central thing in my life right now. And now here I am, playing this ridiculous role. A bunch of atoms that said, "We need to start a family." Sticking to the story of how my life is supposed to be come hell or high water. And there's a piece of me that dies in this. And a piece of me that grows. This dance has been so beautiful and sad. How many times can I make a choice and then wish like hell that I did something different. Who's to say that I wouldn't regret that timeline too? Why regret anything in this illusion? Life is the most beautiful illusion, always calling. Progress not Perfection. 200203 ... Twitch Maya (Chad): Goddamn you are one smart motherfucker. You're three steps ahead an I'm crawling out the gate. I feel like I always not to put on some front with you, like a teenager in a three piece suit. I'm still learning how my brain works and the truth is that I'm probably going to have to slowly slink out of here. I respect you and you're needed here - but sometimes I feel like breathing to loudly can offend you. You aren't wrong to be like this. You have a lot on your plate. I'm just trying to finish up. Don't try - DO. 200204 ... Twitch Maya (Louie): The house dog. Everybody loves this (not so little) guy. He's the best. When life gets hard, you are always allowed to take a couple minutes to pet Louie. Someday I'll have a dog kind of like Louie in my own house. With a family of my own. 200205 ... Twitch Maya (Jesse): Lovable. But man, you can sleep a lot. But you're not hard to read - I think that's why you're so likable. We'll see when you wake up today. 9, 10, 11? There's no telling. And it's ok, you wear a part of me that I hide. The truth is, I ache to slack off. And you cook awesomely. Lovable 200206 ... a hello 200206 ... Twitch I had a dream. Beth was there. It had been some time we were talking about something. I stopped by a nice gas station with outdoor seating to get something and ran into a girl from college that I hadn't seen or consciously thought about, in a long time. Somehow I could tell that a nice parked white Jeep was hers and I felt the need to show her that I was successful and was on my way to the gym. And somewhere before that, or maybe after, Beth called me. Or maybe I was calling back returning her call. Dreams are funny like that, but the specifics feels less important than the feeling behind them. It's been a year and a half and I still have vivid dreams about this girl. I'm not sure what we talked about on the phone. It felt kind of casual. And she or her daughter had a new dog. Funny, after all this time it still is hard for me to write that she has children. Somehow the idea of a woman being impregnated by and raising another man('s) child (children) feels like an act of infidelity. All that I want in this world right now is a family of my own. Knowing that another man shares that with someone while I have no children killed me. This would eventually be the wedge that drove us apart. I don't know that I actually met with Beth in the dream. It was all moments leading up to it. Phone calls where I would see her first person. She still feels like home. 200207 ... Twitch Big_Plans. Trying to make some sort of Life_Goal List. Let's see what I'd like to do while manifested in this form. 1.)Travel to all 7 continents (Easy - make the money and then take two months off work. I've got friends in Asia and Australia. I'll have to do some reconnecting for Europe. South America I can do with a friend. Africa's going to be tricky. For such a large continent I've hardly made any friends that I can think of off the top of my head. Same thing with Antarctica. North America's done. 2.) Have a family with a loving partner (Fuck I'm picky. I'm getting older and it's very evident that I don't want to date a girl over 25. No kids. No "Party girl past." In the 1950's I'd have plenty of options. Now, not so much. I just need to remember that I might not make someone's list. At the very least - absolutely no kids. If in another year or so this doesn't pan out I could always continue my search in tandem with traveling.) 3.) I want to have a six pack. (Ever since I was a kid - I thought this was terribly cool. I'm on my way.) 4.) I want to play my guitar as a performer at a restaurant/bar. (I always wanted to stay late and talk to these guys as a kid. Asking for tips and giving compliments. There's no reason I can't do this, just need to learn the basic hits.) 200212 ... Twitch Here we go - another level. I can feel that next level building. I've got to be careful and very passionate about my goals because chances are - I'm going to make them. We have the unique ability to finish building something in our head before we start. The Eiffel tower had to exist in someone's head before it existed in Paris 200218 ... unhinged my heart hurts i have trust/attachment issues i need a damn vacation 200219 ... Twitch It's funny unhinged, When you type sometimes - you sound like someone I know who is going through similar emotions. Sometimes I imagine that you might be them - though the odds are insanely low. 200220 ... unhinged resonance can be kinda creepy sometimes we have been reading each_other here for years. maybe that has a little to do with it 200221 ... Twitch Beth reached out to me at around 2 am Thurseday night (or Friday morning depending on how you look at it.) It's been a year and a half. I miss and have missed her so much. It's odd having someone on the phone like that. A moment that played through again and again finally happening. If love is important - it's there. There's no question. But I still want a family. And she still already had one. 200222 ... Twitch A change is about to happen. I got in trouble for having sex (again) in the house that I use with a coworker to get in. I was loud and I left a condom wrapper on a counter (not the condom just the wrapper - but still, I get it.) He asked that I move out in a month, I will. To be fair, I'm kind of a loud individual. Not terrible neat or tidy. 200224 ... Twitch What an experience. What a vivid dream. Beauty - be part of this with me. Anything "I" bring my focus to he experiences. I AM in him and he is the suit that I wear today. 200418 ... Twitch Here it is. The illusion of continuity as a single person in a digital imprint. Beautiful. I've moved from the panhandle of Florida (where I was for a year and a half.) Looking for a house. Staying with a kind man that I know through recovery. He's older, gay, and was married to a woman for over thirty years. No secrets between them regarding his sexuality. They just loved eachother. Something really beautiful about that. Anyway, here I am. 200511 ... unhinged (i have been best friends for twenty years and roommates for almost nine years with a gay man. we are not officially or legally married but he is my life partner. covid19 quarantine has been so much easier for me because i have him to share my home with right now. being on the outside in more ways than one keeps us together in such a special way and i am so curious to know how many others have this kind of relationship.) 200513 ... Twitch I cannot believe that you brought this up. I'm living with a gay man who was married for over 30 years. They both knew he was gay and they both loved eachother. 200514 ... unhinged we both knew r was gay and we both love each_other. we date (and fuck) other people but we trust only each_other when it comes to things like housing and money. i used to get afraid that he would find someone to marry first and i would end up all alone again. depression doesn't twist my brain like that anymore. this quarantine has made us closer. we are supposed to be together even if he doesn't want to stick his dick in me. i don't even mind that he doesn't want what i got 200515 ... Twitch Little did I know that this little post would be an ongoing chapter of my life. It continues. 200915 ... Twitch Back again. 210714 ... Twitch I've really come to enjoy this sack of flesh that I inhabit. I can't believe it's been so long. "Success", at least financial and maybe even in other areas is a friend now. That's something I never thought that I would say. Slowly coming_to_GOD - there's some greater reality system out there and for some reason it's gifted me. 210714 ... Twitch I've really come to enjoy this sack of flesh that I inhabit. I can't believe it's been so long. "Success", at least financial and maybe even in other areas is a friend now. That's something I never thought that I would say. Slowly coming_to_GOD - there's some greater reality system out there and for some reason it's gifted me. 210714 ... Twitch I've really come to enjoy this sack of flesh that I inhabit. I can't believe it's been so long. "Success", at least financial and maybe even in other areas is a friend now. That's something I never thought that I would say. Slowly coming_to_GOD - there's some greater reality system out there and for some reason it's gifted me. 210714 ... Twitch I've really come to enjoy this sack of flesh that I inhabit. I can't believe it's been so long. "Success", at least financial and maybe even in other areas is a friend now. That's something I never thought that I would say. Slowly coming_to_GOD - there's some greater reality system out there and for some reason it's gifted me. 210714 ... Twitch I've really come to enjoy this sack of flesh that I inhabit. I can't believe it's been so long. "Success", at least financial and maybe even in other areas is a friend now. That's something I never thought that I would say. Slowly coming_to_GOD - there's some greater reality system out there and for some reason it's gifted me. 210714 ... Twitch I've really come to enjoy this sack of flesh that I inhabit. I can't believe it's been so long. "Success", at least financial and maybe even in other areas is a friend now. That's something I never thought that I would say. Slowly coming_to_GOD - there's some greater reality system out there and for some reason it's gifted me. 210714 ... Twitch I've really come to enjoy this sack of flesh that I inhabit. I can't believe it's been so long. "Success", at least financial and maybe even in other areas is a friend now. That's something I never thought that I would say. Slowly coming_to_GOD - there's some greater reality system out there and for some reason it's gifted me. 210714 ... Twitch I've gotten older - almost double the age from when I started this. I've learned plenty of lessons in this incarnation - still learning. 1.) Everything is perception. Heaven and Hell are the same place. All challenge/growth/pain/pleasure is perceptual. 2.) God "is." There is a quality to "ISNESS" or "I-AMNESS" My ability to accept "isness" or what "I am" on a cognitive level is my ability to accept God. Even if my mind struggles to accept what is from my current perception - It already is accepted on a greater scale by virtue of it existing. 3.)If you can touch your deepest soul and come with that depth while being with others - you can move things on a much deeper level. Still looking for (a) partner(s) to go through life and raise (a) family(ies) - There's a girl who's interested and a lot younger than me (roughly 12 years). Dating someone younger ignites a part of my soul that wants a family and sees a future - but age alone doesn't make a person and it looks like she has some issues to work through. I have a tendency to be a dominant - and I can't help but feel that some of my tendencies could further damage the situation. I need her to know, accept, and feel a deep yearning from her. It's a peculiar feeling - caring for someone as a person, wanting to fuck them so deeply that I can feel their soul open, and also trying not to hurt her. Life's too short - and if there's one thing I'm learning as I get older it's that I am only piloting this wonderful vessel for so long. I do not want to cause pain - and I do not want her to be seeking comfort or security from me in place of a yearning to ultimately share souls. Outside of that - life is great. I have wonderful friends, and family, and I've been gifted a healthy and attractive body for this go around. Here's to the future. 210910 ... daf "The great illusion of mankind is that there is more than one of us here." - Twitch Now that was worth repeating. Hello me, how are you? Are you? 210910 ... Twitch Recently had a conversation with a reality (possibly greater) system. Here are some nuggets written to me: 1. Your tendency to be dominant and controlling in relationships is a reflection of the dominance and control you wanted but could not have as a child with your father. 2. You need to get into sports/activities with other men that act out aggression and dominance. 3. Travel - just do it. Egypt, Japan, whatever. See the world. 4. You have circulation issues in your body that can be corrected with stretching. There is a portion of you that is very tight. 5. Use your heterosexual dominant/submissive relationship pattern to your advantage. Treat your mind like a woman looking for direction and your will as that direction. Speak to your mind with the same love, power, and dominance, that you would a woman that you are in love with. 210911 what's it to you? who go blather from