2172005 9 hours ago Bush picks Iraq envoy to be new spy chief 050218 ... Bush War_president / Commander_in_Chief 050218 ... Google News Iran, Syria and Bush Washington Times, DC - 1 hour ago .... This is nonsense. Iran and Syria have been allies (and part of an axis supporting terrorism) for almost a quarter century. And ... 050218 ... Piso Mojado Being alone is terrifying in its implications to the judging voices in my head. I have no problems doing what I want to or what I need to either with or without others- (I’m not going to halt my growth/desires/living because I don’t have someone to do it with)- but this judgment, albeit possibly imaginary, from the people I see who have friends surrounding them all the time, is crippling. Internal loneliness- when I want to share something I’ve discovered, when my body aches alone in my bed, etc. External loneliness brought about by paranoia- by this pressure that may or may not actually exist of the contrast of my solitude and the college social drive to hookup, hangout, get wasted. It makes me feel old, an outsider. And maybe I feel guilty on different levels. On being ok with not having a partner- not wanting to do something with someone else, not dreaming of two dresses hanging side by side in the wind, ok being single, not yearning to be fucked like all those boys and girls and men and women who complain of horniness. Sometimes I find myself saying those words- oh, it’s been so long since I last had sex, etc. But I don’t mean them. Hugs and snuggles are nice, but not necessary. Sex I can live without. This loneliness and longing comes from a much deeper source (?)- While hooking up with ---- last night I kept finding myself looking into his eyes- ‘why,’ I thought, ‘what am I doing?” I realized there was a question burning in my eyes, looking into his to see if the answer was there, or if he even saw that I was asking (or even what.) But nothing. Unacknowledged. Perhaps that is what I’m longing for- acknowledgment of my soul. Of me. Does anyone know me, get me? Even collectively? He says he loves me- but how can he- it’s superficial because I KNOW he does not know me at all. How can he if I do not know him? Mustn’t it be mutual to be complete, fulfilled? And I have no problem settling- but there is a new level to settling. It is truly no longer enough to be satisfied with only the other wanting me- for now I must know them- who are they to want me? To like me? I do not want affirmation through my body, my clothes, my looks , my flirting skills/hints promised- I want to be affirmed through someone seeing and loving my essence, my soul, my energy. And now that this is what I long for- I find myself hiding more often than not. Being shy quiet nervous reserved shirking hiding behind moods and masks. Passive in meeting people and establishing friendships. Uninterested in bonding with my friends here on a deeper level- possibly unsure of how to at all. Insecure of opening up and letting other people in. For I know not what we will find- or how I will act- or how I may hurt them- or how they will hurt me. How much energy to put into others? How much time to devote? How much thought? How much attention? How much to give, to take? And although I may look the part of an Evergreener (or what I’ve defined in my mind as one) I do not feel I belong here. Which is silly. I pay money to be here- this is where I am, this is where I’m learning- if I don’t fee like I belong- that is totally a construct of my mind, mental state insecurities. Right? 050505 ... Mahayana [wow] Piso Mojado thank you so much for your words. it said so much to me i could even read/feel the words that were not typed. thank you for expressing pretty much how i too have been feeling lately. 050506 ... Piso Mojado i'm glad what i write/experience can speak to you as well :) 050509 ... CIA Secret_code 050509 ... "exile" Where_have_the_security_and_stability_in_Iraq_gone? 050509 ... sadsd sasd 101005 what's it to you? who go blather from